Why do they seek a replacement rather than repair what they got?

[cherryblossom]

Hi Cherryblossom



In terms of protecting themselves from the negative emotions (shame) that would come from admitting their role in relationship problems they take the easy way out, devalue us and walk away. In most cases a replacement is soon secured who serves a contingent function in validating the 'fact' that there's nothing wrong with them... .


Fanny

Thanks this helps my understandingh

[cherryblossom]

Personally I also find it hard to not be able to say to her, "I know they guy you are with now and know that you know he is a loser. You are degrading yourself and just feeding on the attention which will not last, again, as with all the other relationships. I am the one who was compassionate and honest with you and I am the best chance you will ever have to feel any sort of peace and happiness" but that would be a nightmare :-) We get no closure, no discussion and have to watch them just move on. My GP said they are so shallow that they don't realise that other peoples emotions can be so much more and hence feel there is nothing to worry about. Ugh... .I guess the other way to see it is if they were like rational people and we did discuss what was happening, it would quite believable that we could fix it. Some simple compromise would have been earth shattering really. Hard to swallow that we waited and waited and did everything we were conditioned to do and more, and kept hoping for that one rational moment for some fair play, justice, reason, but it NEVER comes.

This new person he is with -I think he is using her to self sooth -I just cannot believe he would be thinking the same way he felt about me about anyone else, fair enough he might have some pleasure/highs right now but it wont be to the quality or level we had, are they shallow though? They feel things very deep I thought which causes the majority of probs--- -maybe its the defense mechanisms that give off the effect of being shallow in certain instances.

I did text bomb some angry texts at weekend -but last one I just said look I know you wont be able to take on board what I'm saying -but I sincerely hope you seek help one day -I'm focusing on me now -I deleted his number and blocked facebook so theres no way I can in a angry moment send more texts as what good will it do?

He could have met a worse person than me -I never called "him" awful or bad ever just the behaviour he did---when he called himself "evil" I always said that was not the whole picture we all have good and bad sides etc... .but unless he gets treatment he is not going to learn that properly is he? I was very careful to step off the cartman triangle when I could see it happening

He knows I will never take on rescuing role --I was supportive and did the whole caretaker role thing -I would not call myself co dependant but id say i displayed some traits----he pushed and pushed the boundaries until no choice but to split up -I always put ball back in his court however-he just got too tired of seeking help and support--and there was no way I'd stay in relationship with him unless he did.

god knows what this new one tolerates? When I saw him back in Jan he looked a state. She may make him feel good for a bit -but he's still going to have the same problems

[cherryblossom]

My understanding (from people much smarter than me) is that a BPD mind is black/white all/nothing.

Therefore to admit fault (TRULY admit fault, not some surface apology) they think of themselves as all bad (rotten) they struggle grasp they are NOT all bad, just bad in this instance (lying/cheating)

Facing admitting this unlocks their core shame, sort of peeking under the bed when you KNOW there is actually a monster under there.

Without the tools a regular adult has to deal with these factors, the quick easy and safe method to process things is simply to move on and be told by someone else there is nothing wrong with you.

I'm so angry, hurt and gutted my wife chose the easy way out and moved on. But from what I read, that is 99% of cases. We are NOT the 1% #occupyBPD[/quote]
True dat!

[cherryblossom]

Thank you WoundedBibi

I'm still in the "I think" at times, doughting my judgement and question my sanity. It is coming back and I'm thankful for all of you for helping me get there. It's kind of like the first few weeks/months of AA I had this sneaky suspicion AA was a cult. Then later hearing almost everyone has this silly idea.

I was indoctrinated into a life that was a cult, my relationship with my exBPDgf. She did her best to convince me what I seen, felt, thought, heard and tasted was indeed not reality.

I told my sponser I don't trust anyone anymore, I've been lied to on a daily basis for years, his response was "has anyone in AA lied to you?" I haven't been lied to yet in 2 years and if I was it was not significant enough to scratch my skin.

I have indeed dodged a bullet by getting away from my pwBPD.

I was spared suffering any longer, I am now safe, I have peace, I can begin to think clearly, I can now enjoy doing things I used to do, her voice of condemnation is fading, I feel hopeful, I have friends and family that love me, I have my life back.

Life with my exgf = chaos, drama, lies, manipulation, hopelessness

Life without my exgf = peace

I won't soon give my peace to anyone for any reason ever again. I have found a precious gift, and it was given to me to be mine.

We can only help those who want help, I want help, I am willing to face my demons, I can love and do respect myself.

Life is good

amazing Jerry! Keep it up!

[cherryblossom]

They have to be honest and really want to do the work... .alone- for it to help.

That is the key! Something to come back to when the ruminations etc take over... .they are having a bit of party atm!

And the key for us as well -focusing on ourselves and our own healing ----if our paths crossed years down the line regardless of what I was doing and who I was with(because i' d be self focused anyway) and he told me he had been putting serious effort into himself I'd genuinely think fairplay even with what he's put me through---(because at that point I would be very far down my own healing journey) it would take the sting out of the futile mess of my encounter of BPD... .for me that would be a better scenario to ponder on rather than pondering about recycling etc... .I think that thought might keep me going... .there's got to be some sort of way of putting some sort of positive frame on it -----I'd rather delude myself with that fantasy scenario than a fantasy scenario of recycling the relationship

[JerryRG]

Thank you Cherryblossom

I know what I know, my emotions are still easily influenced by memories and I still relive the traumatic events, PTSD? I have had that diagnosis for years. My exBPDgf was/is and always will remain a total nightmare in size crazy shoes.

I was talking to friends after our noon AA meeting and one looked at me and asked, "did you ever get the WHY THE H*** am I with this person thought?" I laughed and said yeah it took a while but I'm here and I'm alive and I have hope.

I can laugh again and I've got a huge family of caring people who challenge me to see reality and let the garbage take itself out.

[AndrewS]

Notsurewhattothinkofthis, I actually did go to therapy when she convinced me I had problems. It made matters worse in a way because she had me so convinced I had problems that when the therapist didn't agree, it was extremely confusing. I even got as far one night as telling I think my Dad was a bit strict and maybe he didn't hug me enough, because she kept pushing. Then she had crazy sex with me after months of nothing. When I asked why she said "because you admitted some faults" or something like that. Projection or what?

When I actually got her to a counsellor together the counsellor blew it. Told us she could see we cared for each other and that it would be OK but my ex would have a long painful journey to go on. Of course that triggered everything and in the car afterwards it was a procession of reasons it was a waste of time.

To everyone here - how many times do we need to read almost identical stories to be convinced? We are good people with kind hearts who were taken advantage of by very sick people, probably unintentionally. The natural response it to try to care for them. We all did that to the point of breaking. We have to learn to leave, somehow. My ex is very intellectual, multiple degrees etc, professional, and now fawning all over a plasterer, she runs marathons and he is hugely overweight smoker - it will last for a while because he is so unmotivated he will not cause her to feel enough for abandonment or engulfment to kick in. But where does that go? I am lonely and jealous and tired and can't seem to kick it but I will because I know I just want a simple happy future hopefully with someone who loves me. I feel sad for my ex but to some extent her sad lonely world is not quite as bad for her as it would be for because she is "used" to it. Just like a child that doesn't get what it wants, it cries for a bit and then finds something else to do, for a while.They don't yet have a core self to worry about so I pray for the folks with BPD that they don't really know what they are missing.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a rant :-)

So when is the NON PD world conference party?

[sweet tooth]

Why do schizophrenics dance around naked, make obscene gestures in public, and claim to be historical figures? Because they have a severe mental illness.  The BPD will end a good thing to chase someone else for the same reason.

[JerryRG]

Amen sweet tooth

Exercise in futility

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Notsurewhattothinkofthis, I actually did go to therapy when she convinced me I had problems. It made matters worse in a way because she had me so convinced I had problems that when the therapist didn't agree, it was extremely confusing. I even got as far one night as telling I think my Dad was a bit strict and maybe he didn't hug me enough, because she kept pushing. Then she had crazy sex with me after months of nothing. When I asked why she said "because you admitted some faults" or something like that. Projection or what?

When I actually got her to a counsellor together the counsellor blew it. Told us she could see we cared for each other and that it would be OK but my ex would have a long painful journey to go on. Of course that triggered everything and in the car afterwards it was a procession of reasons it was a waste of time.

Same here. She asked me to go with her to see a councilor at first because I had communication problems and I did not understand her. I had never ever been to a councilor in my life. She kept telling me that all the problems that happened between us was all my fault. It's crazy what we do for love. I knew that there wasn't anything wrong with me. I went to appease her really. The thing is she was a total different person in front of the councilor and everyone else. She comes across as the sweetest thing. What lurks under that mask is scary and only a few people will get to see that. She has convinced her family , coworkers, and some friends that she is the most caring sweetest thing. Only her exes and myself know what she is all about. She used to come home and tell me that she was tired of pretending to be someone else? Figure that out.