18 Month Journey Into the World of falling for a BPD Mistress

[UberCrazyrescuer]

Wow, can't believe I'm really sharing this bizarre, exciting, tragic rollercoaster of falling for what I believed was my BIG love. The reality, the crazy, sometimes volatile and sad events that have been the hallmark traits of falling so hard for someone who completely disregards her condition has been an eye opening journey. I'm at a serious crossroads. Guess I just want to know that I'm not the only man that has ever encountered such a tragic relationship. Any, here I am. If anyone is curious, or would like to hear the painful lessons learned... .I'll be here. I'm at the point where continue to give all I have, or leave completely. Both come with consequences. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Kwamina]

Hi UberCrazyrescuer

Welcome to bpdfamily! Many of our members have described their experiences as a roller-coaster and will will be able to relate to you. You most definitely aren't the only man who has been in this situation.

How did you meet your partner? At what point did you start to suspect she might have certain problems? Has she perhaps been diagnosed with BPD or some other disorder?

Being in a relationship with a BPD partner can be quite challenging and unfortunately sometimes painful indeed. What are the most important lessons you've learned?

[UberCrazyrescuer]

When to walk away... .I guess that's what I need advice on.

[UberCrazyrescuer]

Hi UberCrazyrescuer

Welcome to bpdfamily! Many of our members have described their experiences as a roller-coaster and will will be able to relate to you. You most definitely aren't the only man who has been in this situation.

How did you meet your partner? At what point did you start to suspect she might have certain problems? Has she perhaps been diagnosed with BPD or some other disorder?

Being in a relationship with a BPD partner can be quite challenging and unfortunately sometimes painful indeed. What are the most important lessons you've learned?

I met her online on a dating site, within three months I found myself so involved in her life drama I got her an apartment. She was in a bad living situation, guys, drugs, bad stuff. She really acted like she wanted to get away so I took a chance and helped her get a place. Paid deposit, rent, utilities. Within a month of that I found out she had a drug problem, mysterious condoms, all kinds of suspicious things. I left her and within a week she was begging me for help to get in a rehab program.  all seemed to be going well. She's intelligent, beautiful, just seemed to have made some bad choices.  I had no idea what BPD was at that point. But she fullfilled my emotional and sexual needs coming out of a bad relationship and I felt I was helping her.  Until the lies, cheating, and stealing clues started appearing again, then the cycle would start again and again.  She played waif, she played vixen, and at times was just out of control. but by that time she held a part of my heart I couldn't easily retrieve. 

[Kwamina]

Hi again UberCrazyrescuer

It really helps to know more about your background story so thanks for answering my questions.

When to walk away... .I guess that's what I need advice on.

I think this is a question only you can answer. I do think it helps to educate yourself about BPD and that's why I'm glad you are reaching out for support and advice here. To help you make an informed decision, I encourage you to take a look at the resources in the right-hand side margin of this message board.

You have been through a lot with her. The behaviors you describe definitely sound quite concerning. Do you feel that she in any way has ever acknowledged that she might have certain issues? Has she perhaps ever indicated being willing to seek help for her problems?

[UberCrazyrescuer]

Most important lessons learned from loving a woman with BPD and substance abise issues:

1. Allow for trust but verify, most of the time you will find things that don't add up.

2. Don't allow yourself to become the codependent "controller"... .it only exacerbates the problems. If your serious about staying in the relationship EXPECT you will be lied to.

3. Never, ever, allow your BPD partner to threaten, coerce or bully you into making poor choices that could risk your own safety or compromise your values.

4. Clearly set boundaries for what you will and will not accept in terms of behavior or results of violating the trust boundaries you agree to.

5. Expect that they will push boundaries, establish the "we're done" when you do this and do not compromise it.

6. Understand as much as possible why they developed these coping mechanisms, be realistic in what will change and how long it will take.

7. Be courageous enough to stop all contact if your BPD partner continues the unacceptable behaviors or activities.

8. Accept the reality that you cant change their behaviors, only your boundaries and willingness to keep working towards a healthy relationship... .the hardest part because it's a long road.

just my personal 2 cents... .for what it's worth.

[Kwamina]

Thanks for sharing your personal lessons with us

You mention a lot of important things such as the need for boundaries. Boundaries are primarily for us and help us protect ourselves. When dealing with a person with BPD, setting and enforcing/boundaries is essential.

You also mention acceptance which is indeed hard. Accepting the reality of a BPD partner also means letting go of the loving fantasy partner you might have never had, yet deep inside might still long for very much. When I say letting go of this loving fantasy partner, I don't mean that people with BPD are incapable of loving someone, it is just that as a result of their disorder they might struggle with expressing their love in a loving manner.

We indeed cannot change other people if they do not want to change themselves. What we can change is our own responses and behavior and by doing that we can and will change the dynamics of the relationship, regardless of whether the other person changes or not.

Another important point you make is having realistic expectations. Based on what we know about this disorder and our personal experiences, we can expect certain behaviors and prepare ourselves for them as best we can.