Daughters behavior

[Chloe66]

My now 41 year old daughter was diagnosed with BPD at age 16 when she had her first OD on drugs. She had 3 ODs in her life and is lucky to be alive. She has an 18 year old daughter by husband number 1 and a son by husband 2 who has been adopted by husband 3. I must say for a while she thrived although it's always a roller coaster ride with the ups and downs. She managed to get a masters degree and is a workaholic trying to prove herself. She sees a psychiatrist that has a very poor reputation as a pill pusher. She's been on suboxen for years and should only be a few months. Anyway she is now distraught because her younger sister is not choosing her as godmother.  I didn't want to get in the middle. Not my decision. Anyway she kept badgering me how she's been there for her sister and this is a slap in the face. She wouldn't listen to reason so we had a giant fight with both of us saying unkind things. Now she has shut me out if her life and won't allow me to see my 9 year old grandson that I adore.  I fear she's badmouthing us to turn him against us. I am devasted. I don't know what to do

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Chloe66:

Welcome to the club.  You are not alone!  I am in my 70's and our daughter is 50 and our 2 grandchildren (now 24 and 26) are from different fathers with one ex that was willing to adopt child from the first.  It has been drama fit for a soap opera.

We were surrogate parents to our grandchildren throughout all their growing up years.  The relationship with our daughter would be great... .then out of the blue... .she would cut us out of her life.  Thankfully she gave us limited access to the girls during those times.  This latest episode with her is now going onto 4 years and at the beginning of this she warned me that she was going to play her trump card... .making sure the girls picked sides.  I never would have thought that could happen... .but it did.

So, my advice to you is, as much as your heart may be breaking, play it as cool as you can.  Do not play the victim.  I did early on... .and she found "the button." 

Hopefully your grandchild has developed a bond with you and will have the strength in his character to keep you in his heart no matter what your daughter says to him.  The advice given to us from a counsellor was to "keep the door open" for the time they may want to come into your life.

I sincerely hope your estrangement with your daughter does not last as long as it has with ours.  Just make sure you do as much homework as you can so that when/if the rift heals, you will be armed with a different set of rules on how to handle situations with her.

[Bpd mother]

Hi Chloe 66.     I 'spoke' to you when you replied to my thread and I have been thinking about you. Huat gives good advice. I am trying to give my daughter space and leave the door open if she ever wants to contact us. The love between grandparents and grandchildren is so special and I feel as if we have suffered a bereavement .

Good luck