A melt-down moment

[Larmoyant]

I’m in such a low place right now. I just want someone to help me help myself. I’m stuck in the misery of the end of this relationship. I’ve been depressed for almost 2 years because of the constant push/pull, rages, etc. I’m having therapy which is helping, but I still feel terrible. It could be because I’ve finally accepted that it’s over. I ended it 4 months ago, but he never let up and apart from a few days here and there was persistent and in constant contact and I responded. He’s gone away now and has stopped trying. I’m so mixed up right now. Can anyone help me make sense of my feelings please?

[Ahoy]

I'm no help, I'm a real jumble this week. I'm actually typing at work because my concentration is shot today.

I would say a lot of what you feel is similar to me. The silence is deafening isn't it?

Maybe pick up the E-book 'from abandonment to healing' I think it's a fair assessment of the stages of a breakup. They describe the initial stage as 'shattering' and it freaking sucks.


Remember a lot of what we are going through is equated to drug-withdrawal. Your body (like mine today) is probably suffering from intense withdrawal cravings. From what I read, our brain is basically our worst enemy when quitting an addiction, it will whisper in your ear, trick, release chemicals, all sorts of nasty stuff to get that fix (our Ex).

[Larmoyant]

You are a help, thank you so much. Cravings describes this feeling really well, it’s truly horrible. I’m desperately yearning for him to contact me. The end was confusing because he rang me last week expressing undying love which I took to mean he wanted back in and because I was feeling so low I agreed to talk. Only he backed-off at that point leaving me feeling so confused. Also, my tolerance level for his push/pull is zero these days. Just cannot take it anymore so I ended the call. Trouble is I am now wondering if he did/does want to talk with me/try again or playing his usual push/pull game? He’s found someone else too, or in his words ‘tried to move on’. The thought of that is painful as well. Why can’t they ever be upfront? Consistent, stable, normal, straightforward! Why the game playing?

[Ahoy]

You probably already know this but if he is in the process of moving on (lets be honest this is practically ALL cases) his reason for contact may simply be as an emotional 'blow off' valve because he knows he can come to you with his problems. It seems like they will also do exactly what you describe to put the feelers out in case they need to withdraw back to you (recycle) or just as a shoulder to cry on.

It could be is using you until he locks his replacement down. How thoughtful of him... .

His needs will ALWAYS come first. If yours are met too that's an added bonus but remember, it's all about HIM.

Why can’t they ever be upfront? Consistent, stable, normal, straightforward! Why the game playing?

The game exists because we are dealing with emotional children. Trust me on this, logic does not, and will never work. What you just described there is what I want, stuff it EXPECT from my partner in times of conflict. Something we will never have with a BPD.

Seriously good luck with your decisions, I don't envy what we all go through here on my worst enemies... .and we aren't even the disordered ones!

[Larmoyant]

It’s so difficult to accept that some people use others like this! What you wrote makes sense. He wanted to be friends a couple of weeks back as he said he was having trouble mourning the relationship. He wants to lean on me to get over me! I can’t quite get my head around that one. As for ‘feelers’ that also makes sense and I suppose it’s up to me not to be used that way. I won’t be used that way, ever, and that’s an empowering thought. As for him using me until he’s secured his replacement, well that just infuriates me. These people make me feel sick. Now, I’m feeling angry! I actually prefer anger to despair. Wish I could stay angry. Thanks Ahoy. Our conversation has been priceless. I’m back on my feet at least for a while! Keep thinking about consistency, stability and peace. One day we might just get it.

[Ahoy]

It’s so difficult to accept that some people use others like this! What you wrote makes sense. He wanted to be friends a couple of weeks back as he said he was having trouble mourning the relationship. He wants to lean on me to get over me! I can’t quite get my head around that one. As for ‘feelers’ that also makes sense and I suppose it’s up to me not to be used that way. I won’t be used that way, ever, and that’s an empowering thought. As for him using me until he’s secured his replacement, well that just infuriates me. These people make me feel sick. Now, I’m feeling angry! I actually prefer anger to despair. Wish I could stay angry. Thanks Ahoy. Our conversation has been priceless. I’m back on my feet at least for a while! Keep thinking about consistency, stability and peace. One day we might just get it.

That's the spirit! I hate using the term but a lot of people call BPD's parasites. It's such an ugly word but I find I'm thinking of mine more and more that way. Like some ugly little emotional leech, that just happens to be wearing a beautiful mask.

You will go back to feeling sad, it's the nature of this thing. I'm having a terrible day... .this is where you need a support network to help keep away your silly thoughts. My father calls it 'the squirrels running through your head'. I'm calling him after work to have a good old fashioned vent.

Have a few numbers of friends/family you can call when you feel weak. They love you, they won't mind hearing you talk about him again, and again, and again. It might just save you from getting sucked back in too!