Should I listen to her?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have some limited contact with my ex partner through Facebook messages. I didn't let her add me as a Facebook friend again but she can send me messages and I do respond sometimes but I decided to just be brief and polite in my responses and nothing else. Not to take the bait if provoked etc. And I kept it that way.

She goes back and forth in her splitting and even if I don't take the bait and respond it still affects me.

Yesterday she was in a bad mood and she claimed that she and her psychiatrist agrees I have some kind of explosive anger disorder. I didn't give any response to that. Still it hurt and I wonder if they (she?) is right. Before I met her I was a very balanced person who rarely got angry. The last year of our relationship though I could get very angry with her and yell at her to go to the bedroom (where she spent most of her days anyway ) because I didn't want to talk to her when she was in her ranting anger mood. I once broke a jar of mayo (haha) in anger after she walked after me in the kitchen giving me hell over some thing I don't even remember what it was. The breaking of the mayo jar is now her biggest proof that I have an anger disorder. And that because of that she had to leave because she feared for her safety. (the mayo jar incident was a couple of months before she left one morning without a warning ). I am not proud of myself for yelling at her at times or for breaking a jar of mayo. But I never hit her (even though she claims I "got physical with her but she claimed that about three of her other exes too). And my anger stopped the day she left (I never get that anger towards my kids and I never had it during 15 years with my late wife). Should I listen to her? Do I have a disorder? Did anyone else get angry with BPD partners in a way that wasn't the "normal" you? Was it my fault she left? Did I cause this?

She sees a psychiatrist for bipolar disorder and the BPD is undiagnosed.

Today was the opposite. She wrote me a message telling me to "channel the real her" that wants me to feel love now and forever. I don't know what she wants with this if I at the same time is this person she thinks has this anger disorder that caused her to leave. But those words made me miss her terribly.

Should I listen to her in any of these two examples? I feel so bad. Don't know what to do.

[Fogclearing]

I have some limited contact with my ex partner through Facebook messages. I didn't let her add me as a Facebook friend again but she can send me messages and I do respond sometimes but I decided to just be brief and polite in my responses and nothing else. Not to take the bait if provoked etc. And I kept it that way.

She goes back and forth in her splitting and even if I don't take the bait and respond it still affects me.

Yesterday she was in a bad mood and she claimed that she and her psychiatrist agrees I have some kind of explosive anger disorder. I didn't give any response to that. Still it hurt and I wonder if they (she?) is right. Before I met her I was a very balanced person who rarely got angry. The last year of our relationship though I could get very angry with her and yell at her to go to the bedroom (where she spent most of her days anyway ) because I didn't want to talk to her when she was in her ranting anger mood. I once broke a jar of mayo (haha) in anger after she walked after me in the kitchen giving me hell over some thing I don't even remember what it was. The breaking of the mayo jar is now her biggest proof that I have an anger disorder. And that because of that she had to leave because she feared for her safety. (the mayo jar incident was a couple of months before she left one morning without a warning ). I am not proud of myself for yelling at her at times or for breaking a jar of mayo. But I never hit her (even though she claims I "got physical with her but she claimed that about three of her other exes too). And my anger stopped the day she left (I never get that anger towards my kids and I never had it during 15 years with my late wife). Should I listen to her? Do I have a disorder? Did anyone else get angry with BPD partners in a way that wasn't the "normal" you? Was it my fault she left? Did I cause this?

She sees a psychiatrist for bipolar disorder and the BPD is undiagnosed.

Today was the opposite. She wrote me a message telling me to "channel the real her" that wants me to feel love now and forever. I don't know what she wants with this if I at the same time is this person she thinks has this anger disorder that caused her to leave. But those words made me miss her terribly.

Should I listen to her in any of these two examples? I feel so bad. Don't know what to do.

[vortex of confusion]

I don't think you can judge whether or not you have an explosive anger disorder based on what she says. I was told that I was a demanding b***h. I started to believe it after a while and asked for less and less until my wants/needs almost completely disappeared.

How do you feel about your anger? Do you feel like you are explosive? Can you find examples from other parts of your life where you have gotten angry for no reason?

I forget where I read it but one of the hallmarks of passive aggressive behavior is to push buttons until the other person explodes and then blame them for exploding. There are times that I think one would have to be a saint to NOT explode over some of the stuff that is done. I decked my stbx one time. I regret it to this day. The backstory is that I found some messages that he had sent to some chick where he told her a bunch of stuff about me. I found out that he was taking pictures of his junk in the bathroom at work and sending them to her. I went outside yelling and screaming and I was hopping mad. He got up in my face and kept telling me to hit him. So I did. He tried that again another time and I was able to walk away.

The bottom line is that you didn't cause this. You might have anger issues and you might not. If you want to look into it, do it because of you, not her. If somebody chooses to leave you, it may or may not have anything to do with you. I asked my stbx to leave because I couldn't take it any more.

[cm3557]

NO.  In my experience, my exBPD loved to make me feel like I was the problem and I was crazy.  He would twist everything to seem like i him down and he was He told me I needed to work on my anger.  Oh, I'm angry because you're being abusive?  You're right - *I* have a problem. You're answering this yourself -- you don't have anger problems anywhere else in your life and neither did I.  Yes, I would become furious with my ex... .he would purposely push me and push me to my breaking point (either anger or emotional breakdown) and then shame me for it. Don't let her comments get to you.  An opinion from a doctor who has never met you and is getting a one sided story from your personality disordered ex?  :)oesn't hold much weight to me!  Take care of yourself and don't spend your time worrying about her and what she thinks.  

[WoundedBibi]

I have some limited contact with my ex partner through Facebook messages. I didn't let her add me as a Facebook friend again but she can send me messages and I do respond sometimes but I decided to just be brief and polite in my responses and nothing else. Not to take the bait if provoked etc. And I kept it that way.

She goes back and forth in her splitting and even if I don't take the bait and respond it still affects me.

Yesterday she was in a bad mood and she claimed that she and her psychiatrist agrees I have some kind of explosive anger disorder. I didn't give any response to that. Still it hurt and I wonder if they (she?) is right. Before I met her I was a very balanced person who rarely got angry. The last year of our relationship though I could get very angry with her and yell at her to go to the bedroom (where she spent most of her days anyway ) because I didn't want to talk to her when she was in her ranting anger mood. I once broke a jar of mayo (haha) in anger after she walked after me in the kitchen giving me hell over some thing I don't even remember what it was. The breaking of the mayo jar is now her biggest proof that I have an anger disorder. And that because of that she had to leave because she feared for her safety. (the mayo jar incident was a couple of months before she left one morning without a warning ). I am not proud of myself for yelling at her at times or for breaking a jar of mayo. But I never hit her (even though she claims I "got physical with her but she claimed that about three of her other exes too). And my anger stopped the day she left (I never get that anger towards my kids and I never had it during 15 years with my late wife). Should I listen to her? Do I have a disorder?

Could you read what you wrote? You never got angry with your late wife and never get that angry with your kids. You rarely got angry before you met her and you don't order 100 jars of mayo per week because you keep breaking them in anger or throwing them at people.

What disorder do you think you have? The mayo jar disorder?

Did anyone else get angry with BPD partners in a way that wasn't the "normal" you?

I seldom loose my temper. The last time I spoke to my ex I did. I got angry about something annoying he said. He looked at the floor. I apologized for loosing my temper. He said sorry in the most insincere way possible. But as I had never heard him say sorry before I still said thank you.

Was it my fault she left?

No. It got too difficult for her. You got too close. Abandonment, enmeshment, fear. She always runs from relationships, you know that. It's not you.

Did I cause this?

Her BPD? Seriously? You know better than that. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. It began way before you ever met her. Why do you think her family treats her like they do? Because they have had to live with her behaviour for ever and ever and ever...

She sees a psychiatrist for bipolar disorder and the BPD is undiagnosed.

Not uncommon. It happens often the two are mixed up in diagnosis either by accident or on purpose as bipolar has less of a stigma. I suspect my ex thinks he has BD as well.

Today was the opposite. She wrote me a message telling me to "channel the real her" that wants me to feel love now and forever. I don't know what she wants with this if I at the same time is this person she thinks has this anger disorder that caused her to leave. But those words made me miss her terribly.

Should I listen to her in any of these two examples? I feel so bad. Don't know what to do.

What you in my opinion should do is go back to NC. Communicating with her is confusing you. You're beginning to wonder if you have a disorder, if you that never gets angry has an anger disorder, you begin missing someone that has stolen all your savings, that has left you and your children out of the blue. Why have you opened up this channel of communication with her? It's opening up wounds that hardly had time to heal even a little. What is your aim with her talking to you and you being just polite back but meanwhile being affected and thinking "am I bad? Did I cause this?"

[AG]

If your asking yourself that question I'd say probably not. Anyone and I do mean anyone can have they're buttons pushed so much that they explode. If you have a history of friends and people around you stating the same exact thing then that would make more logical sense that you have such a disorder. A borderline telling you that you have a disorder seems more to me like gaslighting and projection. My BPD ex told me once that she went to the therapist and that the therapist said I'm a jerk and to be careful because I could be a sociopath. That crap hurt meanwhile the reason she was in therapy in the first place was because I was tired of her constant raging episodes and demanded she seek help. I actually posted on here after that and someone else said same thing happened to him and that in his opinion she was probably lying and didn't even go to therapy. When you do go to therapy they tend to try to take the focus off of the other person and back on to them. They are therapists they are not stupid and if she is diagnosed with BPD I'm pretty sure they have an idea of what to expect. We do control ourselves though and if we lashed back out at our BPD ex's we still are responsible but that still doesn't take away from the fact that they purposefully will tend to push until you budge. I know for mine boundary practice didn't work much it made her more mad and the only stopping factor was me reacting by outright screaming enough is enough. Once that would happen then she would go back into victim mode erasing her actions and placing my reaction in its place. Don't buy that crap/gaslighting routine its an old trick of theirs but apparently very effective at hurting loved ones.

[rfriesen]

If you have not experienced anger like that in other relationships, it's a pretty good sign that you don't have an "explosive anger disorder". I'm about seven weeks out from my relationship with my exBPDgf, which lasted a little over a year, and I've been in limited contact over that time (sometimes several days to a week with no contact, then maybe a couple of emails or texts a day for a few days, then back to a few days of no contact). I'm in my late 30s and have been in many committed relationships of a year or more. I recognise that I have issues with longterm commitment (i.e. after a year or so, I often long to be single again, even if the relationship is otherwise strong), but before my BPD ex I never had issues with anger. I can honestly say that I don't think I've ever even yelled at a gf before, or been yelled at. I was so taken aback the first time my ex yelled at me -- I just haven't experienced that in relationships. After the year with my ex, I now think that I must have been incredibly lucky in life so far. I've had some painful breakups where I just didn't feel I could commit longterm, but they never involved yelling and almost always ended on a positive note after talking things out. I've actually dated so many wonderful women, and after the past year, I'm grateful for all of them, their sanity and compassion. And, to be honest, I think I'm even getting to where I can feel that about my BPD ex -- only it's a lot harder, with many more painful emotions of anger, guilt, regret, frustration, hurt.

Anyway, looking back on things, I feel like my ex provoked and provoked and provoked -- always with the yelling and insults and sarcasm and then the paranoia, when she started going through my pockets and drawers and demanding to see my phone. Craziness when I look back on it now. After months and months of building tension and frustration, I did yell back at her on two or three occasions, and felt myself wanting to hurt her with anger the way she hurt me. And a couple of time I punched walls. Those outbursts of anger were my absolute lowest points, because that's not me at all. I still feel awful thinking about it.

But I know I don't have issues with anger generally. It's just that this relationship pushed me to a breaking point. And, from what you say, it doesn't sound to me like you have any anger "disorder" either. That said, the fact that we stayed with people who could push us to that point does give us something to think about. I was so torn up with guilt and fear at my ex's outbursts, and was so seduced when she poured love and attention and sexual energy on me ... .that it blinded me to how destructive the relationship was, and I really let my life start to fall apart. So even though I don't think I have anger issues, I have to ask myself what made me so vulnerable to that combination of intense seduction/love and toxic shame/guilt.

[once removed]

Did anyone else get angry with BPD partners in a way that wasn't the "normal" you?

yes and no. i bought my ex some cds. she told me it was a waste of money, that she could have downloaded them. that escalated into a fight. one way or another, i ended up taking a hammer to the cds.

we had another fight where i was trying to end it. somehow (i really dont remember the details) i ended up locked outside of her apartment. i started demanding my stuff back (inside her apartment). it seems to me i was threatening to make a lot of noise. at some point she comes out, me following, she gets in her car. she backs out, i stand in front of her car, in broad daylight threatening to "beat the _____ out of" her car.

plenty of fights where i said things i sincerely regret, too.

is that normal for me? no, i think anyone close to me would tell you that. it was 100% me though. she didnt make me do any of that. it was extreme, for me, but i think our extremes are revealing, and lessons we can learn from. we were in a situation that would test, and push anyone to their extreme, but we stayed well beyond that point.

on one hand: i would take what she told you with more than a grain of salt. it would be mighty unprofessional, but not unheard of, for her psychiatrist who has presumably never met you, to diagnose you with an "anger disorder". mental health professionals are trained to validate. what she does with that validation is a different story.

is it worth examining? yeah, absolutely. are you seeing a therapist yourself?

also, im not entirely sure these conversations with her (about you and your anger or your share of the relationship) are worth having, with her. the relationship is over. when a relationship ends, so should the your fault/my fault, power struggle conversation.

[Fogclearing]

Thank you so much guys!

WoundedE: yes it might be the mayo jar disorder   It's because of me Hellman's business is thriving  

I am deeply ashamed that this relationship brought out the anger in me the way it did. It wasn't ME - that's how it felt when that rage and despair kind of bubbled within me. I broke the jar because I didn't want to hit her because in that moment I admit I had it in me. And it kills me that she portrays me as violent to her sweet ageing parents that I loved like they were my own parents.

I guess I keep this window of communication open because I am still not ready to let go for some reason I can't explain. I loved her so much. I  remember one spring day at a beach at a state park early in our relationship. It was perfect. Just perfect. Where did that woman who went with me to that beach go? I think it's her I am still looking for. When she tells me to think of the real her that loves me I think she might be there still. Somewhere. But I guess I will never see that "real her" again if she ever existed. It's painful.

[rfriesen]

Fogclearing, yes it's painful, very very painful. Of course I still remember those intense happy moments with my ex in the most exquisite detail, and she sometimes reaches out just to flash that side of her at me again. But that always comes with a side of "you had it so good", "it's your fault we fell apart", "why can't you just admit you broke us, I'll do anything for you if you come back" ... .and I know there's a lot of pain and madness waiting for me if I take her back. It's incredibly painful remember the intense happiness we shared and having to walk away from it because of the intense pain that comes with it, and that came to dominate more and more.

The hardest part, really, is that there are no absolutes in life. You'll find a lot of people saying things like "it can never work with a pwBPD" or "they can never change" or "they always do x, y, z, and it will never be any different" or "all pwBPD are the same". The truth is there are no absolutes. There are cases of people working through their demons together. And every pwBPD remains an individual with all the quirks and variations that come with being an individual. We didn't just fall in love with BPD. We each fell in love with a very particular, unique person with BPD, and that unique person is who we long for, even if symptoms of BPD distorted and eventually took over the relationship.

But, still, once we've recognised that there are no absolutes and that we shouldn't rely on absolutes for comfort, we still have to look out for ourselves. If a pwBPD has shown no signs of wanting to change, of taking responsibility for their actions, of working through their issues, then we can't ruin ourselves waiting for the day they come a round, a day that may well never come. And waiting around for them and feeding their need for attention is likely only to reinforce the patterns they've established. It's awfully painful, I sure hear you, but we need to focus on bettering ourselves first of all.

[cm3557]

Thank you so much guys!

WoundedE: yes it might be the mayo jar disorder   It's because of me Hellman's business is thriving  

I am deeply ashamed that this relationship brought out the anger in me the way it did. It wasn't ME - that's how it felt when that rage and despair kind of bubbled within me. I broke the jar because I didn't want to hit her because in that moment I admit I had it in me. And it kills me that she portrays me as violent to her sweet ageing parents that I loved like they were my own parents.

I guess I keep this window of communication open because I am still not ready to let go for some reason I can't explain. I loved her so much. I  remember one spring day at a beach at a state park early in our relationship. It was perfect. Just perfect. Where did that woman who went with me to that beach go? I think it's her I am still looking for. When she tells me to think of the real her that loves me I think she might be there still. Somewhere. But I guess I will never see that "real her" again if she ever existed. It's painful.

I understand.  I'm so in love with my ex.  Its so so painful I can hardly stand it. I remember all these wonderful perfect times.  I really felt we were meant for each other and he would tell me that as well. I ended it when I found out he was cheating on me.  I found disgusting text messages between him and some girl he exchanged numbers with in a coffee shop.  How is that even possible?  I wonder if any part of our relationship was true.  The abuse and the crazy was real - but I look for that kind person who saw so much in me, who I traveled the world with, shared so much with. I wonder if that person exists or is even real. We felt intensely in love and intensely happy. We were working through his BPD together in therapy but his NPD traits will never allow him to be faithful.  He will always cheat and look to every female for validation.  I will never be enough.  It just doesn't matter. when i broke up with him He apologized and told me that he would always love me and always be there.  Told me he would do anything, and to tell him if i ever needed anything.  I am just trying to remain NC and its literally a CONSTANT struggle not to reach out and go back to him even after every hideous thing he did to me and the betrayal.

And in response to your question about responding angrily... .i talked a bit above in my first comment about him pushing me to break --- but when i found out about the cheating - i hit him in the face.  Wrong?  Yes.  Im not sure who would have responded differently if they had been through everything i had with him only to have it end that way.

[WoundedBibi]

Thank you so much guys!

WoundedE: yes it might be the mayo jar disorder   It's because of me Hellman's business is thriving  

Well at least someone is 

I am deeply ashamed that this relationship brought out the anger in me the way it did. It wasn't ME - that's how it felt when that rage and despair kind of bubbled within me. I broke the jar because I didn't want to hit her because in that moment I admit I had it in me. And it kills me that she portrays me as violent to her sweet ageing parents that I loved like they were my own parents.

I guess I keep this window of communication open because I am still not ready to let go for some reason I can't explain. I loved her so much. I  remember one spring day at a beach at a state park early in our relationship. It was perfect. Just perfect. Where did that woman who went with me to that beach go? I think it's her I am still looking for. When she tells me to think of the real her that loves me I think she might be there still. Somewhere. But I guess I will never see that "real her" again if she ever existed. It's painful.

None of us are ready to let go yet. That is why we are on this site.

But I think it is better to 'not be ready to let go yet' on your own. Write to her what you would like to say without sending. Pretend she would understand even though you know she wouldn't. Write here. But 'not be ready to let go yet' with her will turn into a recycle or 'never let go'. There will be no detaching from her if there is still communication with her. I know it is hard. But for your kids and your business there needs to be a future, a forward. Not a backwards or a standstill.

Remember BPD is a personality disorder. It is all over her personality. There is no option to cut it off. It is like a piece of really well marbled meat (sorry, Sunday is the day of cookery shows); there is no way you can cut around it or cut it out. In between the BPD are just fragments. Not a whole person.

[Fogclearing]

Yes I do understand that parable with the meat 

[Fogclearing]

I think one of the reasons my anger was painful to me was because I did love her and no one wants to act that way to someone they truly love. Of course she knows that and she knows bringing it up (and twisting it around ) affects me even if I don't show it. That is more the typical me - more than anger outbursts. She always used to say bringing out negative emotions from me was like pulling teeth. In my case it has both to do with my upbringing in my family of origin and with the culture I was raised in. The culture of my country is kind of conflict avoiding and to display anger is considered loosing face. She is from another culture where people generally express their feelings more even though her destructive way of manifesting anger scares even her family of origin.

[WoundedBibi]

And she knows you. She knows how to push your buttons. She knows you won't show it but saying something negative will affect you. When a pwBPD is in a bad mood they WANT to hurt you.

[Fogclearing]

And she knows you. She knows how to push your buttons. She knows you won't show it but saying something negative will affect you. When a pwBPD is in a bad mood they WANT to hurt you.

Yes. I realize that. And I realize she wants to hurt me. Probably for not showing that I "care enough ". But no matter what I did when we lived together I "never cared enough".

[WoundedBibi]

And she knows you. She knows how to push your buttons. She knows you won't show it but saying something negative will affect you. When a pwBPD is in a bad mood they WANT to hurt you.

Yes. I realize that. And I realize she wants to hurt me. Probably for not showing that I "care enough ". But no matter what I did when we lived together I "never cared enough".

Or because there is nobody else available to lash out at. Or because she can't stand the fact she at some level still has feelings for you. Or because she feels guilty she stole your money. Or because the world is a globe and not a flat disc. It could be anything. But it is about her and not you.

The contact is about her and not you. She can lash out when she wants, be all "oh... .remember the real me... .sob... ." when she wants, she is in control of the conversation. You are just trying to be in control of your emotion being brief and polite and not going "listen you witch on a broomstick give me my money back or I will make you remember the real you until you were sorry you were ever born". She still controls you. She still owes you a shed load of money but you can't bring it up because she will shut everything down.

[Fogclearing]

And she knows you. She knows how to push your buttons. She knows you won't show it but saying something negative will affect you. When a pwBPD is in a bad mood they WANT to hurt you.

Yes. I realize that. And I realize she wants to hurt me. Probably for not showing that I "care enough ". But no matter what I did when we lived together I "never cared enough".

Or because there is nobody else available to lash out at. Or because she can't stand the fact she at some level still has feelings for you. Or because she feels guilty she stole your money. Or because the world is a globe and not a flat disc. It could be anything. But it is about her and not you.

The contact is about her and not you. She can lash out when she wants, be all "oh... .remember the real me... .sob... ." when she wants, she is in control of the conversation. You are just trying to be in control of your emotion being brief and polite and not going "listen you witch on a broomstick give me my money back or I will make you remember the real you until you were sorry you were ever born". She still controls you. She still owes you a shed load of money but you can't bring it up because she will shut everything down.

Yes and if she shuts down my last hope that she'll give me at least some of the money back will go away (there's no way I can afford a legal procedure that stretches to another continent). She says she will give me money back. I believe in it when I see it though.

I know she has talked to some people about getting back with an old ex over where she lives now.  Recycle. It would not surprise me and it would not surprise me if she is in contact with the ex now at the same time she is sweet talking me with "remember the real me that still loves you and always will ". Blah!

[HurtinNW]

I think it's helpful to compare past relationships, and also get reality checks from others. I talked to my ex from a long-term rs of 15 years about what my current ex was saying about me. He laughed out loud at the idea I was the stuff ex says I am, like crazy, deranged, difficult, and insane.

That said, I don't believe anyone can really be forced into anything. We all are responsible for our behaviors. I got very anxious and traumatized in my BPD relationship. Do I feel my ex drove me to it? Oh yes! He abused me until I was a wreck. But it was on me I kept going back for more. That's on me.

So perhaps what to look at is why you kept trying with someone who was treating you the way she did until you snapped, what is in your psyche or background, and how you can learn from it.

In comparing this relationship to the past you might find similarities. I know I have a tendency to feel bruised easy, and get triggered. I also will keep reengaging in unhealthy patterns, even as they obviously don't work. I stay in relationships longer than I should. Instead of asserting myself in healthy ways I get hurt and resentful. Perhaps you will find things in you that you can improve too.

The truth is in a place where you can own your failings without putting all the blame on her, and learn from them. We all make mistakes, including anger. It's how you move forward that matters.  

[Fogclearing]

I think it's helpful to compare past relationships, and also get reality checks from others. I talked to my ex from a long-term rs of 15 years about what my current ex was saying about me. He laughed out loud at the idea I was the stuff ex says I am, like crazy, deranged, difficult, and insane.

That said, I don't believe anyone can really be forced into anything. We all are responsible for our behaviors. I got very anxious and traumatized in my BPD relationship. Do I feel my ex drove me to it? Oh yes! He abused me until I was a wreck. But it was on me I kept going back for more. That's on me.

So perhaps what to look at is why you kept trying with someone who was treating you the way she did until you snapped, what is in your psyche or background, and how you can learn from it.

In comparing this relationship to the past you might find similarities. I know I have a tendency to feel bruised easy, and get triggered. I also will keep reengaging in unhealthy patterns, even as they obviously don't work. I stay in relationships longer than I should. Instead of asserting myself in healthy ways I get hurt and resentful. Perhaps you will find things in you that you can improve too.

The truth is in a place where you can own your failings without putting all the blame on her, and learn from them. We all make mistakes, including anger. It's how you move forward that matters.  

Yes, I do see my own patterns in this too- not only hers. I grew up with a narcissistic father so I do Think I have codependence issues. I tend to overstay in bad relationships. My 15 year marriage was just sheer luck I Think. She was good. She was functioning. We had a normal relationship with ups and downs like everyone else. But we did love eachother and we took care of the relationship. A quiet flowing Creek - not Niagara Falls. She died. And the grief made me less vigilant to warning signs when I met my BPD ex. I just wanted to live and love again. And I had hopes of creating a family again for the Children. I have stayed to long in bad workplaces too - once so bad I became the target of workplace bullying. That's why I run my own business now. Never again I want to be in an organization like that. Same thing there. There were warning signs at the job interview already but I didn't listen to my inner voice. It was a good position, good pay and "the right thing to do" (trying to please my father) so I took the position when it was offered to me and suffered a lot from it. I might have seen warning signs with my ex BPD too but ignored them because I wasn't in touch with my inner voice.

That is the problem I have to work with.

[HurtinNW]

I think it's helpful to compare past relationships, and also get reality checks from others. I talked to my ex from a long-term rs of 15 years about what my current ex was saying about me. He laughed out loud at the idea I was the stuff ex says I am, like crazy, deranged, difficult, and insane.

That said, I don't believe anyone can really be forced into anything. We all are responsible for our behaviors. I got very anxious and traumatized in my BPD relationship. Do I feel my ex drove me to it? Oh yes! He abused me until I was a wreck. But it was on me I kept going back for more. That's on me.

So perhaps what to look at is why you kept trying with someone who was treating you the way she did until you snapped, what is in your psyche or background, and how you can learn from it.

In comparing this relationship to the past you might find similarities. I know I have a tendency to feel bruised easy, and get triggered. I also will keep reengaging in unhealthy patterns, even as they obviously don't work. I stay in relationships longer than I should. Instead of asserting myself in healthy ways I get hurt and resentful. Perhaps you will find things in you that you can improve too.

The truth is in a place where you can own your failings without putting all the blame on her, and learn from them. We all make mistakes, including anger. It's how you move forward that matters.  

Yes, I do see my own patterns in this too- not only hers. I grew up with a narcissistic father so I do Think I have codependence issues. I tend to overstay in bad relationships. My 15 year marriage was just sheer luck I Think. She was good. She was functioning. We had a normal relationship with ups and downs like everyone else. But we did love eachother and we took care of the relationship. A quiet flowing Creek - not Niagara Falls. She died. And the grief made me less vigilant to warning signs when I met my BPD ex. I just wanted to live and love again. And I had hopes of creating a family again for the Children. I have stayed to long in bad workplaces too - once so bad I became the target of workplace bullying. That's why I run my own business now. Never again I want to be in an organization like that. Same thing there. There were warning signs at the job interview already but I didn't listen to my inner voice. It was a good position, good pay and "the right thing to do" (trying to please my father) so I took the position when it was offered to me and suffered a lot from it. I might have seen warning signs with my ex BPD too but ignored them because I wasn't in touch with my inner voice.

That is the problem I have to work with.

Excellent! I'm also working on listening to and honoring those red flags, and not getting all swept up in my desire and hope for love. It really does help to examine these issues and our family history. That way we can understand not just why we did what we did, but start to name our reactions in the present.