Hi All,
Ive read with great interest all the stories and thoughts of all of us in the same boat. It really is a tough time. Ive been angry, in denial, accepted and then back in to one of the other emotions again. I ended it two weeks ago, and it hurt to do so, but lately its got me thinking to when me and my ex wife separated (2 years ago)... .(along with obsessing about this situation!). I visited forums and went to see a counsellor and eventually let go as I knew learned that it was never right. I got over that period by trying new things - did salsa, went to a new pub, joined a social online group that would meet for drinks... .They were great and sad times. I basically got on with life in the hope that she would come back one day... .and it got me through it. 6 months after the separation, my life had changed dramatically and I was at the pinnacle of life ... .then I met my exBPDgf. Da Da Daaarrrrr!
I think that because I was so dismissive, and not close with my ex wife and ignorant and not helpful (I really wasn't... .cave man like)... .I thought I would go the other way if I ever met anyone else... .And I did with my exBPD. I wanted to be the romantic person that I really am. I took me 40 years to stop being an idiot and just be a gentleman. So I did. And it was lapped up and reciprocated. Even after all the things Ive read about this, I still genuinely believe that she was in love with me... .or to the best of her ability. That's not in question, and its not about denial. I truly believe she was and very desperately still is. You maybe all shaking your heads saying "no"... .but I don't want to think that way. I know I touched her like no one else, coz I know the people shes dated... .and she is probably seeing someone now, but in all honesty, I don't mind, coz I know that I touched her. I read a lot of recovering BPD's and how they felt... .its interesting to read. Its good to get their perspective. They certainly aint monsters, they just act the way they are, coz its all they know and never had anyone to trust and learn from. I wouldnt have trusted anyone if it wasnt for my uncle!
Maybe I too, am so oversensitive... .Well I know I totally am. ANd Ive realise that Ive got self esteem issues too. Im actually not a bad looking lad, popular and well, the 'funny one' at work... .people like me and I strive to make them feel good about themselves - yet I still fail to see it. I never believe that about myself. I work in a £52k a year job and yet I still feel Im not good enough to do it... .crazy really! I guess its derived from an overly critical mother who has made terrible life choices that damaged me, and a lot of people, particularly my Dad, and a Dad who I haven't seen since I was 12 (im 42 now)... .well saw him twice since... .and he really doesn't give a crap!
So I have to look at this crazy relationship positively and learn that Im not that bad, and certainly should not be treated like a doormat (like I have my whole life!).
So what am I trying to say? Ive realised the only way to get over this (for me) is to think of it like a win - win situation (like I did, my marriage break down) - incidentally, my ex wife and I have a fantastic relationship and our 3 gorgeous kids are happy and healthy... .which is one massive thing that angered my exBPDgf... .But anyway Im going to live on that hope that she gets treatment (ive planted the seed many a time - but I guess shes never respected me... .she will now, because I will never speak to her for the absolutle forseeable. I always told her, if you push me too far, you will never see me again - and she did)... .and if Im available she can fight for me... .another seed I planted many a time... . And in the meanwhile, I will get on with my life. And which ever is the outcome is a win - win. It would seem like climbing a mountain to get me back - and I would only ever go back to her if she reached the summit. I can absouletly asure you of that.
Im going on holiday to Tenerife with a friend next week - I literally cannot wait... .Ive got into good shape since my ex wife and I separated and am feeling positive... .
I dont know if what Im saying is screwed up thinking, but its all Ive got for now - it may change when I get back from holiday, but for today - it works... .
Thanks for reading
