Best therapy ever

[confusedbloke]

I have to say that this forum is helping enormously... .just writing it all down seems to release all the stuff Ive got inside I guess. Its fantastic. Im learning so much about myself.  Its comforting to know that there are people in my situation. Thanks for this sounding bored!

Every 24 hours I seem to be changing.  I think I just want to change.  I've seen some of the poor people on here 2 maybe 3 years on, all just still so sad because of what their partners have done to them.  I cannot put any more torture on myself.  Its time to get my head clear.  What I thought last night is not what I think today, and its because Im realising that its a mental illness and not a 'she / he's a selfish b?£$$%%^^'. And I'm growing basically... .I really want to get over this girl.  She is not good for me. I was just thinking earlier that she had a tattoo on her stomach and it happened to have her ex's name.  She said it was of her niece. So here it is - this is the clincher!  A normal person would say "yeah, it was a stupid thing to do... .regret having that tattoo"... .or whatever... .you get my point... .It wouldn't matter. It really wouldn't.  I wouldn't give a crap.  Everyone's got a past. But, I just couldn't believe her as I knew she wasn't right... .Because I now know it really is a mental illness... .And I reckon she just hid everything in case I thought bad of her - I really don't know and am just trying to make sense of it all... .But its a mental illness. There is no logic to this crazy merry go round, and never will be.

I think if there really is a positive to come out of all this is that she has made me take a good look at myself. I need to stop being so unconfident... I come across all confident and the 'ring leader' and Im a good actor - but I never feel that way. Always anxious, sweat a lot... .Im on meds for depression (which I frantically rang the doctors on new years eve after she had disappeared again, and someone telling me she was with her ex - its been hell) and anxiety... .Its just ridiculous.  I really need to snap out of it.

I'm a good man, with loving kids. I have the very best relationship.  I'm a lucky man.  I don't need poisonous people in my life, whether they do it on purpose or not... .My 10 year old daughter said that she really liked exBPDgf, but she 'hurt my Dad'. She doesn't know any details although my exBPD tried to get my daughter involved. What kind of role model would I be to my doting daughter if I ever went near this woman again? It would make her question whether or not she can be treated like a piece of s***. And because I know this, I have to get over this woman quick.

I had my music loud in the car today on the way to work. For the last few months it has been very turned down and solemn. I like loud music.  It cheered me up.  It really does work actually!  As much as I didn't want to turn it up - I did. And had a top sing and it stopped me obsessing for 15 minutes!

Yeah its tough at moment... .but I guess its a challenge in life.  And its one that I'm going to win. I cannot let this person control me anymore... .

So, I have to say - that this is the best therapy ever... .Sorry for rambing

[once removed]

hi confusedbloke 

im really glad to hear youre getting the support you need here. it does really go a long way to know we arent alone.

it sounds like youre starting to turn the focus to you, and in my humble opinion thats a major milestone in our healing, though it doesnt happen overnight, and there may be hurdles in the process; thats to be expected and we are here to help every step of the way.

pretty cool that youre enjoying your music loud - i dont know of a better way to listen (its actually the case that music is sonically designed in a way that its meant to be cranked to get the most out of it ). its no small step to rediscover the things we love and really feel good about doing them again. congratulations 

[confusedbloke]

Thanks a lot Removed.  Appreciate the support. It really is a testing time - but if Im honest, its not as testing as it was when I was with her.  I would literally be going insane if I hadnt come across this forum.  It really does feel like Im healing... .really helps to just blurt it all out... .not holding onto this anymore... so thank you.

Im still finding myself obsessing about the situation (as soon as I wake up until the last thing at night), but my obsessing is not for missing her - its actually realising all the crazy antics that I have put up with. She is a text book 'BPD-er'. No question.  And MORE IMPORTANTLY trying to understand why I put up with it.  I come first now - not her.

Ive also come to learn my part in this ridiculousness.  In all honesty, I dont think it was love that I felt for her (how can you love someone that is cruel to you, when you have their best interests at heart?).  That's just highlighting our own twisted views on love... .all totally wrong.  It was more about obsession / excitement / infatuation / the thrill ... .but never love... .I thought it was, but absolutely not, now that I look back. I needed excitement after a very droll, quiet, sensible, friendly, no-love, sexless marriage. My exBPDgf came along at the right time... .(Again, Im trying to look at this as a positive thing). She woke me up, she excited me, she was 'dangerous' in the excitement sense. Now she is just literally dangerous haha!  - scary!

So now, I do not want this thrill anymore. I don't care if she paints me black anymore (she almost got me severely beaten up).  Im glad she is like that as its aiding in my recovery.  I don't think it will take too long as I'm not going to let it. Every time I find myself thinking about the 'good' times (and tbh - there weren't really that many), I remind myself, that she doesn't process things like I do.  Its a mental illness, caused by the most god awful upbringing.  But that's not my problem anymore.  I cant save her.  I don't want to save her.  I want someone else to take that responsibility on.  You cannot give emotional support to someone who doesn't want to / cannot receive it.

I'm focused on my holiday next week.  I know it will do me the world of good.  7 days in the sun with a friend, talking to different women, gaining composure, just rest & relaxation