My BPD story. How to get that illusive revenge/closure.

[willkennedy]

MY BPD STORY. HOW TO GET THAT ILLUSIVE REVENGE/CLOSURE.     >  

Warning, it takes a lot of time, effort and pain. Much like reading the whole thing. If you have a spare while though, I'd like to share my experience. Hope it helps some people. You can get closure. It;s just not gonna be the verbal kind. But you will grow stronger if you're willing to take it as a lesson. Today I feel free. Good luck.

It is possible to get closure and restore damaged ego, but you need to be very lucky and very disciplined... I did it.   The stories are always so similar, but its interesting to see the varied settings... .Mine was from Hong Kong. I was new to relationships, trusting, saw her as cute and innocent, she played along. Funny thing is, I wasn't even particularly attracted to her physically- without makeup and the way she dresses, there was no real strong attraction. And actually this has been my saving grace, I've grown handsome enough to pull more pretty girls so my ego is stable I guess.

If she was hot as ___ I would have been left in the dirt longer I suppose. She was cute though, and I fell in love with that image and her personality, smarts, even her damage. Dumb part of me thought because she had a darkness to her that it was some kind of rare wild animal, that I convinced myself I could tame and in some ways take advantage of. You know, typical male instinct to dominate and protect the fragile, delicate girl. Silly me.

Problem with that was my initial feelings of masculine ego were torn apart when she started to drop those hints of her past experiences. We were countries apart which made it worse. I could never verify who she really was in person and could never make up for experience lacked. Instead, I was a virgin then and in the most vulnerable position possible I suppose- you know, believed in love and patience and the value of sex etc. Worse, I had no real benchmark to know if the evil nature she had was normal of girls. So I accepted it as 'what girls are like'- emotional and irrational.

So, here was my position: 19 year old guy, new to everything and thousands miles away, excited at this girl who seemed to click perfectly with my personality and looked hot enough in video chats to feel pretty proud of myself. And we spoke daily soon enough, made plans to meet up- I would go to Hong Kong on Christmas, at the end of 12 months. I'd work and save my money, and I would go to uni to get a degree and maybe exchange year in her city. 4 beautiful months of watching films, sharing cool music, talking about intelligent stuff and silly stuff. Falling in love. And then yeah, 4 month mark and suddenly: "My last boyfriend raped me, ___ed me 10 times a day" and she would cry on the phone. And I was in shock. I had never asked her past but I was a virgin, and she was YOUNGER than me, Asian, from China. How could it be this way? How could she look so cute, act so innocent and have that? I didn't know how to handle it.

But the girl I had grown so attached to was crying, and said it was rape. What did I know? And I thus have to blame the nasty guy who used my innocent girl. Tricked her into 'forced sex'. And besides, I couldn't find out more because any critical questions as to her part in this were shot down and guilt tripped, or she would threaten self harm or threaten to leave me despite us being 'in love'. So I learnt to bottle up the pain. Not a good thing to do.

And there was more, of course. Not just the rape, but that actually "I need to tell you something. Actually, I'm still seeing a guy the whole time we were together. I didn't know we were serious and didn't want to hurt him. After all, we were already dating before I met you". Cue my depression. Serious shock mode. Where is my girl? Why? Why? Why? What the ___ do I do with this pain?

Cry down the phone, man up a bit, shake off the shock: "Leave him now or its over and I'm gone". Because I'm glad I did have balls. But I had fallen for what I viewed as someone who was my match and didn't want someone else. Just I wanted her to be the girl I thought she was. The ghost I fell deeply in love with. Where was she gone?  

She did break up with this guy, then 2 months on: I'm really sorry, I'm still with him.

Nail to the heart, to the soul. And whats worse? I had BOOKED the flight to Hong Kong to see her. I was of course already ___ed up. Dominant me no longer existed: no more talk of how i wanted to ___ her when I was a virgin and she was a whore. In fact, when Imy newly develped anxiety got so bad, she would avoid all questions but then give me a temporary dose of endorphins by dirty talking me and using degrading dirty talk which in another circumstance would be playful, but in this form just the drug dealer sadistically pleased you are hooked on their crack. Steady income of ego and power for them, steady decrease of any semblence of self worth for me. Just an anxious, depressed, lonely cuckolded shadow of a man, still believing the girl I love will change back and help me get better again.  (Typing this... feel so bad for old me... .If I had a time machine I'd happily slip some poison onto her fingers so when she took that pleasure in my pain with her fingers inside her, she'd be dead by morning... .Evil b___... )

So yeah, I'd booked the trip to Hong Kong already, and worse, due to anxiety, and sadness and anger and depression, of course I no longer even saw friends anymore. Fell out with family. Fell out of everything. The time zones meant I only had her to talk to. Only had her left, and the hope that I could get my old girl back.

Then we met in London. And she was perfect, I think. Kind and maternal and seductive. Encouraging. BUT- saving grace again- she was NOT that hot. In her videos and pictures I guess it was lighting. I noted mentally her weight- 5'1 (cute) but chubby. Skin more yellowy than I expected. Hands more lines and same with face under the makeup- I suppose due to her smoking habit and late nights. And while I'm not a stud or some ___, my looks are average I think personally but much more natural. My problem was that I was not aware I looked decent enough, and that she was my first, and so I was still shy and had no idea I had value for decent girls.

But it helped. Seeing her as not that great physically made me fight back after London. Of course the damage was done already. My emotions dead but same with my give a ___ emotions. So I would regularly ask about the past and not give a ___ if she threatened self harm. Found my emotions were so numb and dead from months of crying and fear that I even laughed once when she held a knife to her throat on webcam. She had done it to stop me asking questions and it was so ridiculous and unexpected and I was so ___ed up by now that the sight was almost funny. And by this point I had personally welcomed death for myself so often that the idea of her doing it felt pathetic and normal to me. Hell, at times I felt she was so sadistic and so evil that the newly devil side of me might have felt at peace if she ___ing bled out in front of me. After all, the girl I actually fell in love with had died long before.  :'( I had already mourned the loss of my former cute and kind and beautiful innocent angel. Losing a demon didn't bother me much.

[willkennedy]

So when I did go to Hong Kong, I at last had 3 weeks with her. And it was a strange experience. When you go from a leafy suburb to a metropolitan mega city, it's like a dream. Like a real dream. Working class, I had never seen anything like it. Asian people everywhere, lots of hot girls. Asian people everywhere. Catching airplanes. Tall skyscrapers, lights, cheap ___, sounds. Asians. Talking Chinese. Everywhere. And with the unearthly haze of abuse caused insanity and depression and restlessness, I almost felt blissfully welcoming of death. I was in love. But not with her, with the city.

Anyway, seeing her again in person I slowly moved off her. Saw her as weak, repulsive, slutty, ugly compared to the hot girls cute girls all around. I was western, I was a tourist, I should go do whatever I like etc. So I did. I walked around myself. When I was with her, my pain and hate bubbled to the surface and i couldn't breathe. But I was sad that I had come so far but couldn't love her. So I tried to fix that. Because I felt so unreal and because I felt so numb and because i felt so wronged, I cheated on her. Went to a prostitute for the first time in my life and she blew me. And it was exciting. And I felt so bad, evil. Just like her. My beloved b___. Now we were equal. Is what I thought. But not quite. She cheated for months and months, I needed more and more. I was crazy anyway and if it didn't work out for me I could just jump off a building or something no biggie.

She called while I was being blew for the second time in my life. I ignored her calls. The got the sad face smiley and the hooker handed me my phone after repeated ringing put her off sucking... .The sad face hit me hard. There was my angel, sad and alone and meanwhile I'm the evil ___ cheating on her. But then I remembered that that girl died already. And that actually the girl I fell in love with and died from existence was probably somewhere cheering me on, so happy I was getting revenge on the piece of ___ that stole her body and our love away. So after I stopped the hooker, I sat with her on the bed, in her little hong kong cupboard for a room. We smoke cigarettes together. And I asked her about the photos in her room. Pictures of her family. And tears fell from her eyes. I could no longer cry like that but I felt a deep sadness for this girl. And we laughed and ate and smoked together on the bed. And deep inside I realised something gorgeous was within this prostitute. Something I had never seen in my 'girlfriend', And in that moment I realised this prostitute was them most beautiful human being I had ever met. I remembered what it was to be human.     

When I went back to my girlfriend in our hotel that elation faded fast. Back in hell, but who was the devil? Me? But I needed to keep the freedom i had glimpsed, and so I sang loudly in the shower while she waited for me in silence in the dark bedroom. But because i was human again now, I cleaned myself thoroughly, sprayed the jet in my mouth. Didn't want to punish my girl for the evil thing I had done.

And when I went in the room, there she was, with VERY VERY suspicious eyes that i instantly felt sick. But I had felt life again after 1.5 painful destroying years, so what did I care. I felt evil, i hoped she would kill me tonight. I didn't look at her, just got into bed and collapsed face down. Silent, dead again. She got into bed and tried to hug me. I pushed her away. ___ ___ ___. She asked where I had been, I told her Temple Street. "There's prostitutes on temple street" she murmured. "I know" I said. Involuntary grimace from her. ":)id you see a prostitute?"... ."Yes". Boom.

Actually what happened was... .well. Awful to me. I expected her to attack me. Expected her to cry. rage, anything. But what she did was far worse. She opened her legs and started touching herself. Asked more questions. "Were they good? Blowjobs better than me?" And I was disgusted, at myself. Why wasn't she leaving me? Told her i need to leave, told her she can do better. Felt ___. She tried to touch me, turn me on. I felt numb, angry, pushed away, packed my bag. Went to leave. She pulled my arm, till I pulled it away, and then she just collapsed on the bed, face down. Crying. I gave up. I forgot why I had needed to do it. Forgot how many times she had done far far worse than this to me. Forgot how much of my life no longer remained, how much my sanity had been destroyed. I got back into bed wanting to die. Held her so she wouldn't scratch, wouldn't cut, wouldn't scream, then collapsed on the bed. She climbed on top of me and I didn't resist.

I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare where my girl had died. I was devastated. I looked for her for years, even though she was dead. I was panicky and didn't know how to live. Years passed then one day I saw her in a shop window asleep. Went to her and hugged her, then woke up and cried like a baby to the girl in the opposite pillow. What had happened to the time I actually loved her?  :'(

Anyway, woke up, felt that actually I wasn't able to feel happy with her. Impossible to ignore reality. Wanted the dream but the anger and the pain and the hurt drove me away always. I couldn't take it. I wanted it gone. I hated her but wanted to love. I thought going back to temple street would make me able to accept her. Maybe we could have an open relationship? Of course that doesn't work well. And one evening she hit me. Slapped me 5 times, hard in the face. i didn't even flinch. Couldn't even flinch. Haha, I was numb and ___. Didn't she know she had already destroyed my emotions, morals and values. But yeah, I hated that. Fast forward, went home, 6 months of ___. More "actually I ___ed 20 more guys than I told you about"; "I'm gonna kill myself if you ask another question", "I will not help you get better", "hahaha sadistic laughing her again whenever I felt anxious, depressed, in pain" her was back. And blah blah she went to a mental hospital after I called the police on her constant suicide threats (guilt trips I later found she was actually just having fun) and she got locked away for some months.  

When we finally broke away should have been what i wanted right? But the very moment she disappeared (threatened suicide and then never ever responded again, deleted facebook etc.) I realised exactly the extent of my damage. Here I was finally alone. Truly alone. And I realised how much I had lost. How much the dark heavy veil of depression, anxiety and zero self worth was now who I was.

I tried to recover, but I thought the girl I loved was dead. She was actually ___ing other guys but what the ___ did I know? I was crazy though and went to Europe with no money. Just lived on the streets of Paris, Amsterdam and Cologne. Actually, even though I was ___ed up as ___ed up can be mentally, that was the most life affirming thing I could do to show I could survive with nothing left. 

Blah blah, i got into uni ___ed up. So ___ed up. My confidence didnt exist. I couldn't watch porn or date girls because I had developed some kind of sexual dysfunction or something. I literally couldn't think of girls or watch porn without being completely disgusted and sickened by sex. Because the only experiences I had were a demonic freak who used sex to destroy me and a prostitute who I cheated on a (supposedly dead) girlfriend with. I couldn't be happy. My memories pained me, harmed me. I couldn't remember what happiness was. I thought Hong Kong was all a dream. I had no support. I felt so alone. :'(

[willkennedy]

When I got in touch with her again, I was a wreck, over a year on. Messaged her when it became apparent her facebook was back. She of course bull___ted about having missed me. In fact said creepily: "I just woke up. I was dreaming of you".  Like some kind of ghost. Evil b___.

She lied about what she had done. Said she loved me. I told her how hurt i was, how damaged I was emotionally, how depressed and ___ed up, how I couldn't enjoy sex, couldn't get hard. Found the more i said things like this the more she ignored, or made it out to be my fault, said as kindly kindly as possible, "oh thats sad, try a professional. Hope you get well soon". In the most patronising evil disregard to that SHE caused it.

Anyway, she was actually with a guy. Found out after i outright said I never want her back. But she had my stuff. I needed stuff sent back. She ignored my asks for stuff back, ignored my ask for closure. Ignored even when my dad had a heart attack, I developed a potentially blinding eye disease, and made very clear that I was willing to waste away completely and beg just for closure and some help from the very demon that did this to me. Meanwhile, she posted on facebook her dates out with some guy in Hong Kong. She ___ed him on the day my dad had a heart attack.

I only wanted my things back. That's all I wanted. She delayed for the remainding 6 months of my first year at uni. Finally, when she had gained her sexual headstart and ensured I was trampled and weak into the ground, my things arrived and she told me never to contact again. She won. And I was even worse.  

BUT.

I worked hard at uni. And I got exchange year. TO HONG KONG>>>  

I didn't tell her. It was my secret weapon. I let her degrade me and let her be as evil as possible. I silently relished when she would shock me, like with the ___ing someone when my dad could have died thing. I embraced the disgusting things she would say, and I even wanted her to ___ more and more guys, so I alternated between the weak and pathetic loser and also told her I had ___ed hotter girls since. Told her she was ugly. Told her she was a slut. Told her friends what she had done to me. Sacrificed my recovery totally all because i knew i was going to go to Hong Kong AND I DID NOT INTEND TO LET HER GO A DAY WITHOUT AN EX CONTACTING HER AND DELAYING HER ABILITY TO MOVE ON.  

I sometimes actually was, and sometimes just acted weak and told her I loved her and forgave her etc. Tried to make sure she wouldn't move on, and ignore me, but then would later tell her how much of an ugly evil slut she is and that other girls were so much better and sex included. Reminded her of when I cheated on her, told her the hooker was so beautiful compared to her. Wanted her to 'get revenge' on me as much as possible. Wanted her to ___ more and more guys to feel better. Wanted her to become the kind of girl with a past that no man will want.

And then I told her about Hong Kong, and she was like "I know we've BOTH made mistakes but I think we can make it work again". Lol. Disgusting.

I came to Hong Kong, and don't get me wrong. I was still very much mentally ___ed up. When we met again, she clearly did her best to look good. And she did. But... .I suppose my saviour was that i knew deep down she was an evil, very very slutty whore and that she was definitely no longer anyone that I would ever ever want to introduce to the parents or raise a kid with. "Hey son, I was one of your mommy's 100th sexual partners, she's a real catch", you know?

But yeah, I wasn't that strong. Still elements of missing her, but not really. Mostly I was already determined to use her. I needed to heal. Crazy to think I left her victorious 2 years ago. I had been blew by a hooker and I had won. But 2 years on I was the ___ing loser... .I needed to fix that. 

Everyone said you can't get closure from a BPD monster. Hmm, you can. And I'll tell you how I did. Of course they won't give it. But you can get it yourself. You just need to be the now bulletproof beast that you learned to be from her. Drop those morals for a while, she does not deserve them. This is the only girl on the planet that you have a free pass to treat like the piece of inhuman trash she is. Use her. She deserves it. She truly does. Trust in that. Do not forget what she did to you without remorse. If you get better you can give the kind you to a girl that needs it. If you can accept this FACT you can use it to get better. 

[willkennedy]

So I pretended to love her again. Hard to do because part of you thinks you still do, and the adapted fight/flight in you pushes you to retaliate against the sight of her at every moment. We'd meet up, and I'd manage to silence the voice of justice in my head and refrain from calling her an evil whore. But after we ___ed in the park I'd go home and release a barrage of insulting texts. And then I'd have to mindgame my way back to getting another chance to see her. But if you've learnt to take pain, masochism becomes a bit of a hobby and so mindgames can be fun.

I needed her. I couldn't have sex. My confidence was in pieces. I wanted to fix myself, but how could I try with another girl if I'm literally afraid I can't get it up, can't enjoy sex. And besides, I didn't want to use another sweeter girl. With the monster I got a free pass to manipulate her how I wanted. She's doing it better than you, after all.

We ___ed, she degrades me, we ___ed, she degrades me, we hang out she degrades me, she talks about guys she ___ed, she ditches me whenever i ask for some help talking about the past, she smirks when I show my anxiousness and she makes me want to cry. I thought that actually I was now as good as her at the mindgames. I mean, she was taking meds. I had never went to a doctor or nothing for my mental deterioration. That gave me strength, Didn't stop me ___ing up focus on my studies though and sleeping in parks... .

But yeah, we ___ed and she degraded me. ___ed and degraded. But she didn't know I was using her. I now knew I could get hard. I now knew I was good enough at sex. I started to use tinder and meet with new girls behind her back. Let her think I was helpless, weak and useless. It was crazy fun. She thought she was destroying me, she thought she made me a pawn. But she was actually unwittingly making me strong enough and confident enough to see new girls, to get back to my old self. 

And then the day came (it didn't last that long, mind games are mind games and nobody really escapes the collateral damage completely no matter how well you play them at their game), the day came that I revealed it all and ditched the piece of ___.   

And now, 8 more months have passed. My belt has more notches. My passport has so many entry stamps into China. I ___ed a few girls, then found a sweet girl who I dated for the past 6 months. I went to ___ing China. I'm happy. She's deleted her facebook a couple times in reaction I suppose to my smiley face and pictures with various girls and friends I met on my adventures in Shanghai, Guangzhou, Jiaxing, Wuzhen, Shenzhen... .But I didn't give a ___. I felt at peace. I won.

I got closure. I learnt lessons. ___, I even learnt how to play her mindgames. I have a future. She has a worse sexual past than I bet many prostitutes have. And this, my friends, is the illusive closure/revenge that is very nearly impossible to get from a BPD monster. 

Typing this made me miss the girl I first fell so deeply for, but I think if she was real, she would have been proud of me. The b___ that stole her away from me though can rot the same way her pussy is rotten like a public toilet. Crazy to believe I used to love her.

Thanks for reading the stupidly long story. Hope maybe it helps some people. I feel better now, and am glad I did some crazy stuff to get past it. Life feels much more like a story, and my part with her is firmly in a very distant, clouded past.

[Hadlee]

I found this story difficult to read and actually made me feel sick to my stomach.

Everyone said you can't get closure from a BPD monster. Hmm, you can. And I'll tell you how I did. This is the only girl on the planet that you have a free pass to treat like the piece of inhuman trash she is. Use her. She deserves it. She truly does. Trust in that. Do not forget what she did to you without remorse. If you get better you can give the kind you to a girl that needs it. If you can accept this FACT you can use it to get better. 

I'm sorry you were hurt in the relationship, however the above quote about her being the only girl on the planet that you have a free pass to treat like the piece of inhuman trash she is, is shocking to me.  PwBPD have a serious mental illness.  They should not be exploited or punished.  Yes, we have all been hurt by a pwBPD, but we are the adults here.

I do seriously hope you are in therapy!

[willkennedy]

I found this story difficult to read and actually made me feel sick to my stomach.

I'm sorry you were hurt in the relationship, however the above quote about her being the only girl on the planet that you have a free pass to treat like the piece of inhuman trash she is, is shocking to me.  PwBPD have a serious mental illness.  They should not be exploited or punished.  Yes, we have all been hurt by a pwBPD, but we are the adults here.

I do seriously hope you are in therapy!

I know how it comes across. You need to realise I went through many years thinking exactly that way. I wanted to forgive her every single time she destroyed me. Wanted to be the sacrificial lamb to make her happy. Give her the love that no other guy had. So I let myself fall and fall. Anything to show my love was real, and that I would never be those evil other guys.

But you know what? I was the virgin. I was the one made to have unwilling sex with her. I was mentally and sexually raped by her. I was severely depressed and she slapped me hard for trying to recover. She laughed when I would cry down the phone and almost break down when she told me with glee her sexual stories from the past, all to a guy who was a virgin and was only trying to love her.

And then to fake death and to ___ a guy when my DAD was dying in a hospital bed. In fact, a part i missed out was how, before I came to Hong Kong my granddad got cancer. Was likely going to die. Was in hospital for a whole year. Might have died over Christmas. Yet I chose to come to Hong Kong and see HER instead. All because she threatened to leave me. Said she would put me first.

I'm sorry, deep at heart. I am a kind person. But this not heaven. Besides, she is fine now. I know she is. ___s more people. I saw her tinder account once by accident. Don't assume she is destroyed. Just a passing thing for her. She's too selfish to actually stop and think of these things. She probably still feels victorious, happy about that time she used me.

She is evil. I totally stand by what I said. I would never really condone real revenge. I don't mean what I said about the poison. And I don't think anyone should ever haunt the girl with her mistakes. But I hope you understand I NEEDED to recover. I was in Hong Kong, I didn't have the money for therapy. She is fine now, which proves that using her to what? Avoid doing the same to another girl? I think I did the right thing. She needed to know how it felt. Except she never will. She was never as innocent as the me that got hurt. I don't pursue her. It's not sadism. All I know is it WORKED. i don't need therapy because I got what we need instinctually: justice. I'm happy now.

[willkennedy]

Besides, I am fully aware how dark it is. The darkest moment of my life, with the darkest possible emotions that I never even thought I was capable of. You have no idea how devastated I was and the amount of pure hate i had for myself when I realised i was now a cheat, and my brain was full of the darkest possible thoughts. Closest I ever felt to death while living. Just relishing dreams of somebody murdering me and setting me free.

It is truly crazy to think that that is actually how I once was. I just thought i would post it all honestly to show the truth of the darkest aspects of our humanity. I went from an angel (truly she said so too, and I was just a young naive guy prone to sensitive emotion, ___, wanting to sacrifice for love and waiting to lose my virginity to someone so cruel. So weak when I finally got there and she got a guy who was naive enough to not know that other girls could treat him well. Until the first girl I had spoke to outside of her happened to be a prostitute and she of all people made me see that human beings can be beautiful angels.

I know its dark. I know its truly twisted. But it was very real back then. It's incredible for me to think back from a position of something totally different. Like a dream. Gone Girl has nothing on my story

It had to be dark, as dark can be. Because for all of us, i know we all fall for BPDs because we are very very prone to guilt. We feel guilt as real pain. We can't bear to hurt the ones we love. I remember how i would cry just becasue I once called her 'deluded'. As if that little word had tarnished our love. But after my emotions were destroyed I had sunk to lows I could never imagine. But I learnt to embrace them. We are humans and we have emotions. Anger is totally natural.

When I cheated with the prostitute, I for once put those morals and guilt aside because I knew that it would make me feel better.

When I couldn't move forward, filled with pain and injustice, I followed my need for that justice till I got it.

No one died. Emotions are worth listening to sometimes if they help you heal. Put guilt on hold to heal. Drug-free healing.

I guess I just wanted to share this so that people know that yes, while we start off as kind hearted lovers, if you find yourself sinking lower and lower it is ok to feel angry. It is natural to feel hurt. Do not feel guilty if you need to harness it to heal. Be free. Don't be perfect. You're human. (Just don't actually doggedly hurt anyone or you don't deserve to heal)

[WoundedBibi]

You're not happy; your thread is full of hatred.

You're not healed otherwise you wouldn't be on this board.

If your ego is just built on thinking you are attractive it is far from stable.

You don't get it at all. Healing is not choosing between sacrificing yourself for the BPDs happiness and seeking revenge. The world is not black and white. Unless you have a personality disorder...

You don't get you can be angry for what has been done to you, have compassion for someone's illness at the same time and enough love for yourself to just walk away and let it all go without any form of revenge as it is pointless, and does not bring healing.

You with your mind games and ridiculous plotting are just as bad and dark and ffffd up as your ex. You need some serious help.

[willkennedy]

You're not happy; your thread is full of hatred.

You're not healed otherwise you wouldn't be on this board.

If your ego is just built on thinking you are attractive it is far from stable.

You don't get it at all. Healing is not choosing between sacrificing yourself for the BPDs happiness and seeking revenge. The world is not black and white. Unless you have a personality disorder...

You don't get you can be angry for what has been done to you, have compassion for someone's illness at the same time and enough love for yourself to just walk away and let it all go without any form of revenge as it is pointless, and does not bring healing.

You with your mind games and ridiculous plotting are just as bad and dark and ffffd up as your ex. You need some serious help.

Hey, yeah, I agree. Reading my thing back, it is quite twisted. Hmm, but actually in some ways I was just typing that way for catharsis. I don't walk around anymore with feelings of pain and anger and deep hurt. It's there I suppose, behind the surface, and if I dug deep enough I would remember that this girl I just condemned to nemesis is someone I deeply loved.

I am capable of acknowledging the grey parts, and I never feel I did something 'right' really, just that when I did struggle daily with the self worth, and the anxiety and the like, and when I contacted her for support and she would make it worse and worse, I gave in and decided I needed to, I suppose, CHOOSE to see the black and white. Not deep down believe it, but to do something so dark so as to destroy those remaining feelings and memories that this was a girl I once loved.

As with the way in which I choose to believe there was an old her, and an apparently possessed her. My plotting: it wasn't wholly plotting. Part of me wanted to love her again, but she kept abusing me. And it wasn't wholly plotting, it was more a focus on healing in the absence of any kind of family or therapy support (being in Hong Kong for a year)... .

I don't know how much of my self worth is affected by my appearance, I'm not shallow, but I suppose there is a bit of that, at least while I'm still working on my other aspects inside. I guess I tell myself, at least I got that, at least I got friends and travel and sex and a sweet girl. Those kind of things. You're right.

Perhaps I do still need a cover. But all I know is my approach, and I guess my way of interpreting what I did, in many ways has worked for me. It at the very least proppede me back up to the point where I had the social confidence and reduced anxiety to actually start to enjoy meeting people, and months on, I now feel very different from the anxious angry me at the start of the year here.

I came here to type in the board I think because I never did share the darkest side of my story with people. Perhaps people might be interested to take it at face value, as well as reading between the lines of what it says about how I turned out. At the very least, its hopefully a good shocking warning sign for anyone who thinks its worth trying my approach at recovery. I mean, my opinion: probably not worth it, but it has taught me a lot of lessons and I value them.

On my part I have always tried to maintain the me from before she changed me, I guess thats why I had refused to just drop it and move on. I never wanted that to be my first memory of 'love', so I completely destroyed the memories. Good news is she completely painted me black now so is unlikely to ever ever contact me again. I'm 22 and have a lifetime to go without ever needing to worry she will think she can get back into my life. Don't worry about the black and white; there's the fine line between love and hate. I know what it means between the lines, I just don't want to think about it in my 20s anymore. I learnt her 'skills' and pretended to paint her black too. But really, I am rather happy and positive now. Healing has been very noticeable thinking backwards. And now I've freed up any regrets or chances of it happening again. Roll on life :D

[Ahoy]

Yeah sorry mate, got halfway through this and I had to stop.

I hope typing this releases some of your anger and frustration but I will NEVER treat another human this way, regardless of what they did/may have done to me. There are cases on this forums where a pwBPD has acted with malice to deliberately hurt their loved one. I would hope all of us here would take the high road and not stoop to their level.

Its been recommended you seek therapy, don't be offended. Most of us are in it right now. I would say you have a lot to work through to get back on an even keel.

Good luck in your recovery.

[willkennedy]

Yeah sorry mate, got halfway through this and I had to stop.

I hope typing this releases some of your anger and frustration but I will NEVER treat another human this way, regardless of what they did/may have done to me. There are cases on this forums where a pwBPD has acted with malice to deliberately hurt their loved one. I would hope all of us here would take the high road and not stoop to their level.

Its been recommended you seek therapy, don't be offended. Most of us are in it right now. I would say you have a lot to work through to get back on an even keel.

Good luck in your recovery.

Thank you.

Actually, I know what I was doing, what I was thinking. It was never truly about revenge.

It was just: I was so badly hurt and so badly betrayed that I didn't want her to be allowed to watch me, didn't want her to think she had the right to even apologise to me, to acknowledge that I had once loved her so much.

So I used her splitting against her. I made her hate me. I wanted her to hate me so that she would forget that what we had had ever existed.

Made myself a demon so that she could never ever think back on me with pity, with sadness, with regret. When she's old, I want her real punishment to be that because of splitting and black and whites,

She is forever incapable of ever, ever remembering that once upon a time I loved her so so much.

[Hadlee]

So I used her splitting against her. I made her hate me. I wanted her to hate me so that she would forget that what we had had ever existed.

Made myself a demon so that she could never ever think back on me with pity, with sadness, with regret. When she's old, I want her real punishment to be that because of splitting and black and whites,

She is forever incapable of ever, ever remembering that once upon a time I loved her so so much.

Dude, it's time to take a long hard look at yourself.  You have a very, very long way to go.  Good luck with that.

[willkennedy]

So I used her splitting against her. I made her hate me. I wanted her to hate me so that she would forget that what we had had ever existed.

Made myself a demon so that she could never ever think back on me with pity, with sadness, with regret. When she's old, I want her real punishment to be that because of splitting and black and whites,

She is forever incapable of ever, ever remembering that once upon a time I loved her so so much.

Dude, it's time to take a long hard look at yourself.  You have a very, very long way to go.  Good luck with that.

Many more people have it worse than revenge. I need a level of selfishness to value myself. I'm not Buddha. Or Jesus. Wouldn't want to be. Just wanted to get rid of her thinking she still owned a right to know the real me.

I don't hate her, don't truly want revenge. I just don't want her to know that.

You're right though, and I take it on board. Just 22

[confusedbloke]

Ive only been split and NC for 2 weeks (after 20 or so recycles) and I have realised I have closure.  And that closure is that she has without a shadow of a doubt, BPD.  That is closure for me. Im not seeking answers from her, I dont want to see her, I dont want her anywhere near my children etc.  I know I did my best, and thats all I can do. It IS a mental illness, just because they look and act the same doesn't mean she is 'normal'.  If you were with someone who had a physical disability and a mental disability, you would expect that it is going to be a strange relationship - its because they act and look normal to us that confuses our brain into thinking that they are normal, and able to love on an emotional level.  I have had the most horrendous time (like every single person on this forum), but I think its how we deal with this situation now, that will ultimately guide the rest of our future.

Im not really that angry, perturbed is more fitting.  I was when I was with her... .angry, frustrated and confused.  but with the help of these good people here and doing a hell of a lot of research, I know now that she cant help doing what she did.  Like you cant help reacting the way you are.  But a major difference is that we can work on it and heal - they cant.  They will be in a horrible world of perpetual pain, for the rest of their lives unless they get treatment - which I would say they wont... .Its all about self preservation for them.  They have to be alone in order to survive - they trust no one, and rightly so. They've had a bad time.  They will have fleeting moments of 'love', but its not a real love, and tbh, can you really call it real love that you had for her? I cant see how we can love someone that treats us like this.  Im quite a strong person, Ive had to be.  I give people chances but once they have over stepped the mark, its time to say goodbye.  She pushed me to the extreme... .and beyond.  I warned her, that this would happen unless she got some help.  And I will be strong.  Absolutely no way she will be in my life again.  Not bitter, but its about my self preservation now.  In the last few months, I started to realise that I began to detach.  I'm not putting up with anyone treating me like that.  I feel like Im out of the ridiculous bubble I have been in for the last hellish 15 months - and can now see it for what it was.  Even after these 2 weeks I cannot imagine being with her now.  It was awful.

I also want to draw some positives from it all... .Its made me look at myself, and all of a sudden I dont feel insecure anymore.  Ive been insecure my whole life because of my upbringing - and have always been a co-dependent.  I feel free now.  Ive been single for 6 months in the last 15 years - and now I want to experience life as a single man.  Im so much better single... .Im happier, full of life, and good fun... . So what Im trying to say is that, just let her go.  :)on't think about what shes up to when youre not with her - I can guarantee that the whole relationship will have been her doing what she wants and you stressing about that.  Who needs that in life? Jeez.  Just remember its a serious mental illness, you did your best, and try to drop the anger.  Being angry about it, only gives her more credibility in the eyes of others (I learnt the hard way)... .

Just try and think about the negatives of being with her... .the times she let you down, the ignoring, the cups being thrown at your head because you mention your ex wife (me btw!), the complete lack of empathy, the ups and downs, the socially awkward woman who just seemed to stare into space... .I could go on, but we all know the extensive list.  They are ill, there is nothing we can do about it - so let them go... .

And defo get some therapy... .My therapy is no here - and its helped so much!