Seeking Support: Processing Recent BPD Breakup

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello... .I'd like to express my gratitude for having found this community. I've been in a very painful and bewildered state for the last three days, when my boyfriend of 3 months completely snapped on me.

I had been working to pull us out of a rut that followed his 'depersonalization' episode 3 weeks ago; it came on sudden, and without warning. He wasn't able to effectively communicate what was happening for him and simply put I was terrified of loosing him. There is a notable back story (which includes patterns of addiction, a history of depression, and episodes of self-harm) that I know now lead to the nature my reaction that day. I am willing to share it with the caveat it is rather lengthy.

I think I am here seeking validation of the feelings of anger, intense hurt and betrayal that came in response to the words and sentiments that he spoke to me. I'm searching for a way to find the sense of closure I've come to realize I will likely not get from him knowing now he is suffering a mental illness that he kept so carefully hidden.

The conversation had that night was not with the man I had come to love. Instead it was a man fueled by drink and full of rage directed at me. Speaking of skewed truths and incomplete realities. Unwilling to consider my side of our shared story. Convinced I alone was responsible for the deteriorating state of our relationship.

He told me in his mind I went from being the woman he wanted to marry and have children with to seeing us as ill-fated because I failed him that day. He said would never get over how I treated him and no amount of therapy (I made a request for couples counseling) could change that fact.

He went on to accuse me of being a phony, and a liar, and a failure at what I do; I'm training to work with trauma survivors, so this was a particularly hard blow. All of this, and many more hurtful words were uttered before he passed out on the phone. I haven't heard a single word from him since. And honestly, I'd just assume not. It seems to me I don't have access to a rational person at this point. Any thoughts on useful strategies to move forward on my own would be greatly appreciated.

[msbonaventure]

Hello... .I'd like to express my gratitude for having found this community. I've been in a very painful and bewildered state for the last three days, when my boyfriend of 3 months completely snapped on me.

I had been working to pull us out of a rut that followed his 'depersonalization' episode 3 weeks ago; it came on sudden, and without warning. He wasn't able to effectively communicate what was happening for him and simply put I was terrified of loosing him. There is a notable back story (which includes patterns of addiction, a history of depression, and episodes of self-harm) that I know now lead to the nature my reaction that day. I am willing to share it with the caveat it is rather lengthy.

I think I am here seeking validation of the feelings of anger, intense hurt and betrayal that came in response to the words and sentiments that he spoke to me. I'm searching for a way to find the sense of closure I've come to realize I will likely not get from him knowing now he is suffering a mental illness that he kept so carefully hidden.

The conversation had that night was not with the man I had come to love. Instead it was a man fueled by drink and full of rage directed at me. Speaking of skewed truths and incomplete realities. Unwilling to consider my side of our shared story. Convinced I alone was responsible for the deteriorating state of our relationship.

He told me in his mind I went from being the woman he wanted to marry and have children with to seeing us as ill-fated because I failed him that day. He said would never get over how I treated him and no amount of therapy (I made a request for couples counseling) could change that fact.

He went on to accuse me of being a phony, and a liar, and a failure at what I do; I'm training to work with trauma survivors, so this was a particularly hard blow. All of this, and many more hurtful words were uttered before he passed out on the phone. I haven't heard a single word from him since. And honestly, I'd just assume not. It seems to me I don't have access to a rational person at this point. Any thoughts on useful strategies to move forward on my own would be greatly appreciated.

[LilMe]

  msbonaventure!  I hate that you are going through this, but glad you found us.  These boards are a life saver for many of us.  You will get much support and amazing advice.  There is a wealth of information and articles on the site.  There are 'Lessons' and information on the right side of this page.  I am sure some of the senior members will link you to helpful articles, specific to your experience.

I could feel the hurt when you talked about the mean, hurtful things he said about you.  It sounds like projection - when someone accuses you of doing what they actually do.  He was talking about himself, not you!  It is hard to understand and accept, but true.  The person you fell in love with was not real - he was mirroring what you needed and wanted and could only keep the mask on for so long.  I think the hard part for all of us is accepting that and letting go of the hope that the person we loved will return.  He will likely return and try to get you back, but it will not last.

You are fortunate to get out early.  Many of us were in these relationships long-term and have children with ours.  You will read many discussions about how long healing and closure takes.  It is different for everyone, but takes time.  Maybe years for some.  Be patient, keep posting and reading here, and consider therapy for yourself.

[msbonaventure]

LilMe, thank you for reaching out! For sharing your thoughts. For offering words of affirmation. It is unfortunate that any of us (including our BPD brothers and sisters) have had the experiences that lead to the creation of this forum-- and at the same time, I praise what I see as a demonstration of self-love, and the perseverance of the human spirit, that this community exists.

Yes, the projection aspect of the dynamic has been very difficult for me to get my head (and my heart) around. I believe we all have our own subjective experiences about how we see life and it can be easy to see the world as we see ourselves. But, I'm learning with BPD and specific to my experience with him, he does not appear to be capable of hearing a truth that differs from the version he has convinced himself is the only version. For instance, the idea he cannot accept me as a multi-dimensional being, possessing many wonderful characteristics as well as many flaws can lead him to act in such a destructive way has hurt me in a way I am struggling still to comprehend.

Along with the support I have of close friends and wise loved ones, I also am bringing all of my complex feelings and thoughts to counseling. It is helpful to be reminded of the value of patience right now, especially with myself. I realized today, in therapy, there is a part of me that feels duped. As if I found out my relationship was a sham and I'm finding myself wishing and wanting to erase the last few months spent with him and "get back" to my life before him. I realize of course this is not only unrealistic, but impossible. Insert here the importance of patience. I can't change the past only seek to do things differently now for the hopes of a different future. And a huge part of seeking to do things differently is to understand how it is I found myself (unknowingly?) in a relationship with someone who was suffering profoundly from this illness.