Estranged BPD Mom & Selfish Stepmom: Being Respected on Mother's Day

[misssouthernbelle]

I haven't talked to my mom in probably 6-8 months. The last time I text her, it was to tell her (in response to her saying she'd always love me, blah, blah) that I would HOPEFULLY forgive her on my death bed for my sake and that I saw through her lies about "trying to do the right thing," or she would return my belongings. Then, I blocked her number. Since, I've been waiting on news about whether I'll receive funds from my creditor claim in her bankruptcy case (which she strategically filed for after receiving notice from my lawyer inquiring about the stolen funds my dad had put aside from for me when they divorced). She is such a crappy person and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get that money, $13,000 for college, back.

My stepmom lost 5 children to miscarriages and has a really hard time living because of it. She's very fragile, vulnerable, and refuses to seek help, which I think would drastically change all her health problems. I feel like because of her losses, she attaches to me too much and this is counterproductive for someone who already has issues with a missing mother figure who was an absolute tyrant and nightmare growing up.

Even my therapist said that she uses guilt trips, which as a stronger person now, I see through and will stop if I ever get another one. She has tried to guilt trip me several times by saying she "feared me going back to my mom and her losing me." My dad would speak up and say it's my choice, but the fact that she's so selfish that all she can think about is herself, really makes me pull back. It's my choice. Do I ever see myself having anything to do with my mom ever again? No. Is it still my choice though? Yes.

So, I sit here on Mother's Day, after being invited last minute (yesterday morning) to my stepmom's family gathering, really pondering if I made the right choice. I sent her a nice text this morning, telling her it was the last week before finals and I have a lot to get done. I told her that if I had a little more advance notice, I could have probably adjusted my time accordingly. I wished her a wonderful Mother's Day and a good time on the lake.

That's about all I could get to come out, as I just don't think anyone will fill my mom's place and I think that part of me will forever be guarded. I'm not resentful, I'm not filled with hate, I am just simply putting myself first and I'm not going to play along with her vision of our relationship, which is a very close one. I acknowledge that Mother's Day will never be the same for me, likely until I have children of my own.

I'm no longer bitter about it, but it's still a day that a light gets cast on the hole that is in my life. People need to respect that and respect what I've been through.

[Kwamina]

Welcome back misssouthernbelle

Mother's Day is difficult or awkward for many children of BPD parents posting here. I have an uBPD mother myself and Mother's Day has always been a day I struggled with, especially after experiencing some extreme BPD behavior from my uBPD mom & sis on Mother's Day a few years ago.

Healing from all of this can be quite tough, I am glad you are feeling stronger though and have had the support of a therapist.

You are also dealing with your stepmom who has certain issues of her own. Losing so many children through miscarriages is a huge psychological, emotional and physical blow. It is unfortunate that she so far refuses to seek help, hopefully that will change in the future.

So, I sit here on Mother's Day, after being invited last minute (yesterday morning) to my stepmom's family gathering, really pondering if I made the right choice. I sent her a nice text this morning, telling her it was the last week before finals and I have a lot to get done. I told her that if I had a little more advance notice, I could have probably adjusted my time accordingly. I wished her a wonderful Mother's Day and a good time on the lake.

I think you handled this very well Especially considering you only got this invitation at the last minute.

I'm no longer bitter about it, but it's still a day that a light gets cast on the hole that is in my life. People need to respect that and respect what I've been through.

I am glad you are no longer feeling bitter about it. Still, growing up with a BPD parent is very tough and accepting that reality also means letting go of the fantasy parent and life you never had but deep inside might still have longed for very much. Especially on days like this it becomes very clear, sometimes painfully clear, how much we've missed out on and that we never really had a true mother.

Take care