definition/explanation/opinion of the concept of 'boundaries' please?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

might you share a definition/explanation/opinion of the concept of :  boundaries?  i am imagining a large white circle of chalk, with me standing in the middle.  i safely and contently roam around the inside of the circle, happily going on with my life.  if someone wants to join me in the circle, and i have a slight feeling of trust for that person, i can erase a little chalk, allowing them to join me in the circle.  of course when they are in, i quickly grab my stick of chalk and fill that "entry" opening back in, completing my circle once more.  when my bp separated husband waves his hands in the air to enter, i ask why/when/where/what is your intention(s) for reentering this circle of safety i have finally created for myself?  depending on the answer, i may allow him in?  at least a few steps?  am i on the right track, my friends? silly, but i am visual person.   i ask you this as he is attempting to contact me via e mail, with short but sweet, nosy, business like questions such as, "what is in the last box that ill be picking up"     "have you filed yet"   "is there a reason you have not filed yet"  (weve been separated 4 months, i found out i was replaced after 3 months. i found out SHE is the one that texted me, on his phone, "i have a girlfriends  i love her very much"   and i had a feeling it was not him typing, as he does not make spelling errors like that)   this boundary and nc stuff is difficult and drives me crazy, as if i wasnt crazy enough... .

[londons]

might you share a definition/explanation/opinion of the concept of :  boundaries?  i am imagining a large white circle of chalk, with me standing in the middle.  i safely and contently roam around the inside of the circle, happily going on with my life.  if someone wants to join me in the circle, and i have a slight feeling of trust for that person, i can erase a little chalk, allowing them to join me in the circle.  of course when they are in, i quickly grab my stick of chalk and fill that "entry" opening back in, completing my circle once more.  when my bp separated husband waves his hands in the air to enter, i ask why/when/where/what is your intention(s) for reentering this circle of safety i have finally created for myself?  depending on the answer, i may allow him in?  at least a few steps?  am i on the right track, my friends? silly, but i am visual person.   i ask you this as he is attempting to contact me via e mail, with short but sweet, nosy, business like questions such as, "what is in the last box that ill be picking up"     "have you filed yet"   "is there a reason you have not filed yet"  (weve been separated 4 months, i found out i was replaced after 3 months. i found out SHE is the one that texted me, on his phone, "i have a girlfriends  i love her very much"   and i had a feeling it was not him typing, as he does not make spelling errors like that)   this boundary and nc stuff is difficult and drives me crazy, as if i wasnt crazy enough... .

[Suspicious1]

Hmm, to try to describe this in a visual way using your analogy, then for me:

A boundary might be a white chalk circle that I draw round myself which represents certain rules, but there is a different sized circle (different shape, maybe?) for different people. No one, NO ONE is allowed in the circle. There are no lines rubbed out to let anyone in, because that would be a breaching of that boundary.

For example, my ex husband did not recognise that I should have boundaries at all. He felt entitled to be in the circle with me, with no real difference between us. For him, this took the form of having no respect for the fact that I had possessions or privacy. He'd go into my bag and take money from my purse without telling me. He'd throw away my clothes if he thought I didn't need them, without telling me. He gave away my books when he thought I'd read them (you guessed it, without telling me). He hacked into my computer to find my passwords and uploaded all my email accounts to his phone so he could monitor all my messages, again without telling me. He stepped into my circle and couldn't see that his place was OUTSIDE the circle. In his case the circle could have been very small, but in time I had to make it bigger and bigger and bigger.

With my current partner I have a small circle, and if he breaches those boundaries (in his case that would involve chronic lateness and speaking to me badly), I tend to make a lot of noise until he steps out of the circle, or I remove myself from him physically thereby taking my circle with me so he can't break into it.

With my friends my circle is bigger. My close friends get a smaller circle than my acquaintances. With them they can turn up at my house unannounced, use all my stuff and help themselves to the contents of my fridge. They can't look through my post though, the way I'm happy for my partner to do. With acquaintances, they get a bigger circle; I'd view them turning up at my house and helping themselves to my things to be a breach of those boundaries.

I suppose it's like a list of what you will and won't tolerate from individuals. No one is allowed to break through those things, but maybe the list gets smaller over time.

[WoundedBibi]

I had been thinking more along the lines of ancient earthworks (a bit sturdier than circles of chalk) but it hadn't occurred to me either that NOBODY was allowed inside the earthworks but me.

[rfriesen]

I'm not an especially visual person to begin with, but the spatial metaphors don't work with me for another reason (and so "boundaries" generally might not be a technically accurate term for me). For me, it's not so much about places I won't allow someone, but what another person's motivation is with respect to my personal life and privacy.

Generally speaking, in intimate relationships I love to be open and talk about life, feelings, past loves, silly thoughts, quirks, etc etc. That's such a wonderful part of getting close to someone and getting to know each other. And it's part of why I fell so hard for my exBPDgf -- she seemed completely insatiable in wanting to know all my thoughts and feelings, and made me feel so safe and loved, and we laughed together and shared so much. It seemed like a level of intimacy I'd never experienced. But then bit by bit she started to become more possessive and jealous and demanding, and started poking around in my innermost thoughts and feelings with a view to undermining me or hurting me or making me feel guilty and inadequate.

Honestly, I don't regret the initial openness. But I wish I had seen the need to set up "boundaries" sooner when my ex started to attack me. I don't mind sharing my innermost thoughts with someone I love and feel safe with. But I think it's important to "draw the line" when the other person is using that openness to accuse or hurt or attack. What I've learned to do in the limited contact I've had with my ex since the break-up is to establish boundaries as soon as I feel her questioning me in a way that makes me feel defensive or guilty or like I'm being set up for an attack. I'll focus on her motives and ask why she wants to know what she's digging for. I'll point out to her that she often used her lines of questioning to attack me. I'll point out to her how kind I was and how hard I tried while we were together to answer her questions, but that it didn't work out and I certainly am not going to continue answering questions now when it feels like another personal attack.

So, I guess I would say that for me boundaries involve identifying a person's motives for wanting into my private world (whether by asking me to share my thoughts and feelings, or wanting to see an email I received, or whatever) and not letting them in if I think they're being manipulative or hostile or generally mean-spirited.

[exhausted16]

I know in my relationship boundaries where a huge issue bc she didn't have any.  She felt that my email/text/social media was her's to look at,read comment even of my past thru my emails.  I remember her saying well you can look at mine anytime and my xs never had a problem... which I told her I trust you I dont' need or want to look at your email/text, why can't you respect my boundary, which then it became I had something to hide.

[HurtinNW]

I think boundaries are supposed to be for us. As someone was saying on another board, they are not a wall or punishment. They are meant to reflect our self worth.

A classic boundary is about infidelity. It might say, "I can't accept cheating. Therefore, if you cheat I cannot be in relationship with you."

Another one might be about abuse. It might say, "I am worth more than being abused. Therefore, if you abuse me I will leave the room, house or take other action to protect myself."

The difficulty with relationships with BPD/NPD is our boundaries can get pushed aside, ignored, trammeled on, and we can be told we are crazy, demanding, selfish and awful for having them. Or we can give them up because we want to keep the relationship. Often we start "compromising" on our boundaries, which is really just a way of saying we give them up. We can find the relationships whittle down our self-esteem to the point we question if our boundaries were violated or not. That's how crazy-making these relationships are.

I know before my relationship with my ex I would have said my boundaries are against verbal and emotional abuse, mistreatment of my kids, being treated with scorn, and being treated like a booty call. In the course of the last four years I let all of those things happen, over and over again. I would *tell* him a boundary and then let him cross it, repeatedly. Since coming here I found out that boundaries require our own actions. In other words, if you have a boundary against cheating and they cheat, then you take action. Ditto abuse.

In my situation I started implementing loving boundaries. I stopped letting my ex treat me like a booty call. I refused to let him move in, where he would have abused and mistreated us even more. Sadly, his response to those boundaries was to, once again, break up with me.

I think some of us find that when we have good boundaries it becomes clear we cannot be in relationship with our exes, as the condition of the relationship is us not having boundaries.

[londons]

wowww... .thanks to all of you for sharing.  i read your posts again and again.  they reinforced to me the fact that i must have enough pride in myself to not allow the negativity to be a part of my life.  so, a boundary is kind of like a "rule"? or a "standard" to live by?  i am sure i allowed him to break my boundaries because i knew he was mentally ill, and maybe did not have much control over his behaviors.  but when u think about it, the reason or excuse or disorder does not take away from the fact that these behaviors/lies/accusations are occuring, and frankly, i dont want to spend another 50 years of marriage encountering these things.  i was on edge most of the time.   im still on edge tho, cuz i think i may break at anytime!  if he catches me at the right moment, i could easily cave, and allow him back into my life.            ( changing thoughts a bit, i went to a psychologist, first time, after work yesterday.  it went well... .he told me that my homework was to read:  feeling good    by david burns     and the' love' chapter in:   the road less traveled      by m. scott peck      i got them both on e bay for 8 bucks today. )      ok, so i need to keep that boundary up.  i guess it is like a fence... .   problem is... .i keep thinking that maybe, just maybe, there is a beautiful garden on the other side... .when in my heart, i know there is not.

[londons]

i need to pay attention... .just found and read the excellent article by R. Skip on "boundaries".  awesome. now , if i could just keep them... .