I am really hurting...

[Herodias]

I found out my husbands gf was due on May 9th. I am not seeing baby posts on Facebook as of yet. After all of the pregnancy pictures, I would think there would be some kind of pictures of her and the baby or them as a "family" posted after she had or has the baby. I saw his Mother is now "friends" with both of them. After deleted him when they posted the pregnancy pics.  I suppose she doesn't want to look bad by not being friends with them on fb. I just feel so depressed. I have been being so strong and so tough. I am at another low point.  In my brain I know that he is ill and will not change his behavior without help, but  I am picturing him being so much happier now. I feel like such a failure and somehow I am just some drag on his happiness by us still being married. Like I could not give him a child and now look, he is healed and happy. I heard they make you feel like you are never good enough when you are in the r/s... .yet here I am still feeling that way as I am on my way out. I feel like such loser, I have no life... .I have wasted mine. I just feel awful an have no one I can talk to about it right now. I am really hurting... .He is about to have a baby (if he has not already), a really big deal in someones life... .He caused me so much chaos and pain. How could I have felt like we had so much and now he is off with someone else having a family? I heard that nothing is ever enough for them... .I know I wasn't. I never seem to be enough. I know it's my fault for being in bad relationships and sticking with them so long, but it just doesn't seem fair when I have tried to be a really good person and really care about other people... .just to be tossed out like a used toothbrush. I don't know how to feel better any more.  I know you are going to tell me not to look at Facebook, but tell me that none of you would want to see what your spouses baby looks like when you miscarried one with them years ago... .come on. I feel hopeless and I am tired of acting strong and tough... .this is really painful. Even  14 months out of knowing this is not good for me.  : (

[JerryRG]

Hey Blue

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, I cannot imagine how painful it is for you. I believe my ex will get married one day and have children and it will be tough to watch.

The only thing that comforts me is knowing I did my best to love my ex and nothing I did was good enough. She's extremely mentally ill and always will be. Our OGBYN pleaded with my ex to get her tubes tied because he knew her condition.

Remember things look differently from your perspective and you know your ex, he will implode again and when he does he will leave not one but 2 helpless victums. PwBPD never change, they find someone to fill their needs then get bored after the highs wear us out and run away searching for new happiness.

A baby makes great supply until the work begins and the sacrifice of late nights and no sleep then the "it's all about me kicks in" and off they go looking for something or someone to play with.

Hang in there Blue, you can change and be truly happy, pwBPD never do.

[Tobiasfunke]

Aww come on blue. You always respond to others post like this with some real thoughtful insightful useful advice or words encouragement. Now I feel bad because I got nothing. I have 2 boys with my ex. We have been apart for 14 months and she has been seeing them less and less. Currently she is away on a "business trip" but who knows. I highly doubt your ex will be the father or partner you would want to raise and share a family with. I did not set out to be single father but the longer time passes I really feel like she doesn't appreciate what she has or what she had. I hope this comforts you that maybe you dodged a bullet. Please don't waste another moment lamenting. I feel like I've wasted the last year rumenating. We both can control these low points. We both deserve happiness and peace because or exs aren't losing any sleep about us tonight . You are a very good person and very helpful to many of us here.

[Ahoy]

You know what blue I'm in a real rut today too. I'm back to having nightly dreams of mine and I just can't get her beautiful smiling face out of my head! Even reminding myself of all the horrible things done by her only help a little.

Yes FB is not helping one bit but (and this is advice I'm giving to myself too) you know what, I think you are an amazing person and you just need to give yourself some slack!

Remember a week ago someone commented that your posts were much more positive? I agree with them! That's the nature of this beast though, we have periods of happiness and then periods of sadness even without the trigger of an impending birth it happens!

Don't hide from your feelings, just try to let's the pass through you. TRUST in your knowledge of this disorder (which is substantial!) you KNOW that the disorder always wins. No ifs buts or maybes. IT. ALWAYS. WINS.

No life is wasted, we are all becoming wiser and more learned. Your growth through this has been inspiring to someone fresh out of a separation.

So once again, cut yourself some slack, feel better blue!

[Anez]

Sorry you're going through this, blue. It must be extremely hard. But you're no loser. At all.

Read everything ahoy wrote. Read it three times. Let it sink in.

These rutts are tough, I'm going through one right now. But do some good things for yourself, as hard as that may feel to do.

You're not alone, blue!

[john83]

I found out my husbands gf was due on May 9th. I am not seeing baby posts on Facebook as of yet. After all of the pregnancy pictures, I would think there would be some kind of pictures of her and the baby or them as a "family" posted after she had or has the baby. I saw his Mother is now "friends" with both of them. After deleted him when they posted the pregnancy pics.  I suppose she doesn't want to look bad by not being friends with them on fb. I just feel so depressed. I have been being so strong and so tough. I am at another low point.  In my brain I know that he is ill and will not change his behavior without help, but  I am picturing him being so much happier now. I feel like such a failure and somehow I am just some drag on his happiness by us still being married. Like I could not give him a child and now look, he is healed and happy. I heard they make you feel like you are never good enough when you are in the r/s... .yet here I am still feeling that way as I am on my way out. I feel like such loser, I have no life... .I have wasted mine. I just feel awful an have no one I can talk to about it right now. I am really hurting... .He is about to have a baby (if he has not already), a really big deal in someones life... .He caused me so much chaos and pain. How could I have felt like we had so much and now he is off with someone else having a family? I heard that nothing is ever enough for them... .I know I wasn't. I never seem to be enough. I know it's my fault for being in bad relationships and sticking with them so long, but it just doesn't seem fair when I have tried to be a really good person and really care about other people... .just to be tossed out like a used toothbrush. I don't know how to feel better any more.  I know you are going to tell me not to look at Facebook, but tell me that none of you would want to see what your spouses baby looks like when you miscarried one with them years ago... .come on. I feel hopeless and I am tired of acting strong and tough... .this is really painful. Even  14 months out of knowing this is not good for me.  : (

Hi Herodias... .firstly, it's NOT "your fault for being in bad relationships and sticking with them so long". You'll be aware, from all the information and shared experiences on here, that aspects of your nature may have facilitated this guy's tyranny to a certain extent but you're not responsible for his condition, only you're own well being. Secondly, you neither asked for, nor deserved, all the pain, chaos and turmoil to which you were subjected while you were in the relationship, nor did you ever suspect it would leave you with so much self-doubt and grief once you made a break... .had you been wearing hindsight glasses when you first met, you'd've run a mile, as I'm sure we all would... .so don't be so hard on yourself

His happiness, such as it is, is not your concern. If he's anything like my ex, all the short-comings and issues in the relationship are down to you... .you're the one with the problems and failings... .you're the one who can't do anything right, who is never good enough... .

Don't believe it BH! How many folk on here have been taken in by the seduction, only to be castigated, pushed and pulled, run down and treated like crap once you're 'hooked'?

You're beating yourself up by going on Facebook... .you know this! Remind yourself of all the drama and turmoil you went through and pity his new partner and the new born, because unless he accepts he has a destructive disorder is undergoing some major therapy, the future fall out will surely come to pass.

He is not 'healed and happy'... .you are not responsible for his happiness. Think what he was/is like with you, then imagine him doing a similar number on a child... .it may help you get back to being strong and tough.

[HurtinNW]

I am so sorry about your miscarriage loss. Our society doesn't take that loss as seriously as we should. It's the same as losing any other child.   

Let yourself feel this anger, this grief, this sorrow. It's part of the journey. Part of the detachment. If you are like me you tend to blame yourself instead of staying in the anger. Let yourself feel the anger. The anger speaks up for yourself and says no and this was wrong and how dare you. This guy treated you like crap. Get mad about it!

You mention not having anyone to talk to... .is there any way to change that? A support group? Counseling? Old or new friends?

You don't have to be tough, you don't have to be strong. You can be yourself in this process, and feel everything authentically. It hurts like heck, but in the end you will come out much healthier and happier.

[Herodias]

Thanks for the positive thoughts guys... .I am just having a rough time with this baby thing. It's really awful to be married to someone who is having baby with someone else and flaunting it in your face. Yes, I am the one looking. The only strength I am getting from it is that I didn't have any adultery evidence until they posted it. It's just embarrassing, yet most of his "friends" don't even know he is still married to me. Facebook is so dumb. I think it started out like a good idea... .but has turned into a ridiculous past time. It's not healthy for people. I only have my account for finding this info, I deleted my real account 2 months ago and haven't missed it in the least! As soon as my divorce is over- I am done with it all. My lawyer appreciates the stuff I have gotten off of there to help her in the meantime. I feel like I am finally looking out for me... .I just would like to know that the gf is starting to see the behavior. I know he will go back to allot of it when his pending felony is up in June as well. Usually when he is off probation he goes back to being reckless. Her friends are cops though and she has one long distance friend that is a therapist. Isn't that ironic?  I just want to feel like I have a future that is happy... .I am tired of being sad. I know I have to make it myself, but I am not there yet. Tomorrow a friend of mines daughter is getting married. She met a great guy... .I wish that will happen for me one day. I just know too many women in my town who don't meet anyone. It's sad. I think that's why I stayed so long with my ex- I didn't want to go back to the dating pool. I t's sad to stay in something so destructive and he was the one who said it wasn't healthy to stay together-like i was the problem. He said too much had happened. He didn't trust me because I had him thrown in jail after the domestic violence thing. The police officer said "time for a divorce"... .Why did everyone have to tell me that? Why didn't I just leave ?- I thought for better or worse.  Yes, I remember the good stuff too... that is the problem. Thanks for the support. I meant I don't have anyone to talk to about this tonight... .I am feeling kinda lonely tonight. Tomorrow I am going out to a resort to take pictures... .it's my hobby. It relaxes me.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Thanks for the positive thoughts guys... .I am just having a rough time with this baby thing. It's really awful to be married to someone who is having baby with someone else and flaunting it in your face. Yes, I am the one looking. The only strength I am getting from it is that I didn't have any adultery evidence until they posted it. It's just embarrassing, yet most of his "friends" don't even know he is still married to me. Facebook is so dumb. I think it started out like a good idea... .but has turned into a ridiculous past time. It's not healthy for people. I only have my account for finding this info, I deleted my real account 2 months ago and haven't missed it in the least! As soon as my divorce is over- I am done with it all. My lawyer appreciates the stuff I have gotten off of there to help her in the meantime. I feel like I am finally looking out for me... .I just would like to know that the gf is starting to see the behavior. I know he will go back to allot of it when his pending felony is up in June as well. Usually when he is off probation he goes back to being reckless. Her friends are cops though and she has one long distance friend that is a therapist. Isn't that ironic?  I just want to feel like I have a future that is happy... .I am tired of being sad. I know I have to make it myself, but I am not there yet. Tomorrow a friend of mines daughter is getting married. She met a great guy... .I wish that will happen for me one day. I just know too many women in my town who don't meet anyone. It's sad. I think that's why I stayed so long with my ex- I didn't want to go back to the dating pool. I t's sad to stay in something so destructive and he was the one who said it wasn't healthy to stay together-like i was the problem. He said too much had happened. He didn't trust me because I had him thrown in jail after the domestic violence thing. The police officer said "time for a divorce"... .Why did everyone have to tell me that? Why didn't I just leave ?- I thought for better or worse.  Yes, I remember the good stuff too... that is the problem. Thanks for the support. I meant I don't have anyone to talk to about this tonight... .I am feeling kinda lonely tonight. Tomorrow I am going out to a resort to take pictures... .it's my hobby. It relaxes me.

Stay strong Blue. It is tough i know. I also have taken the taken pictures hobby. I so know what you are feeling.   Lets be strong together 

[JQ]

Hi B.H. 

I'm sorry you're having a bad moment ... .that you've stumbled on your journey. I know that you've read my post for others talking about this very thing ... .WE ALL STUMBLE on our journey ... .at the moment you're having yours. Look up ... .               It's us the group holding out our hand pulling you up!  We're dusting you off and we're all giving you some very much needed hugs       

We can't take away your hurt or pain for you ... .we can try to understand where you're coming from and what you're going through and try to express that through our similar stories to you. As JerryRG points out, his obgyn wanted her to have his s/o tie her tubes because he knew that BPD is a genetic mental illness that is passed down from generation to generation.

My first experience with BPD, "Unknown to me at the time" was when her father told me her mother had been admitted to a local mental ward for nearly 6 weeks among other admissions and doctors. He told me if I was going to marry his daughter that I should know what I was getting into and was VERY forthcoming. I can't express my eternal gratitude for him being so honest with me that his daughter was already exhibiting the same mentally ill traits as her mother at that time. It would of been a train wreck in the making, but he saved me. I could have easily had a baby with her ... .that would have only led to a lifetime of dealing with her flying monkey circus and then trying to manage any children flying monkey circus for what would of been the rest of my life.

I know YOU hurt now ... .as anyone of us have or would if we wore your shoes. I know that you realize that nothing you, me, the group or extremely educated mental health professionals could do to help him with his mental illness. It doesn't make any sense and never will ... .and frankly nothing I or anyone of us telling you anything will help ... .but I and the rest of us know you will get through this pot hole on your journey ... .and YOU know it too ... .you've just need a front end alignment after hitting that bigA$$ pothole ... .that's what the group is here for ... .we're your pit crew         

Oh and not only me but the group wanted to give you some ... .         

J   

[Hadlee]

I just would like to know that the gf is starting to see the behavior.

The thing is... .you may never know.  Or worse... .she may stay with him for 20 years.  That's 20 years of you waiting to "know" she has seen his behavior.  You already know what he is like.  We all know what our exBPD's are like.  As others have said, they don't miraculously change.  I understand how painful all of this is, but you will get through it.  Feel your feelings, acknowledge them, then turn your focus to something positive.

Life is important, get out there and live it.  And the sooner you get off Facebook, the better

[C.Stein]

Tomorrow I am going out to a resort to take pictures... .it's my hobby. It relaxes me.

This is a good plan Blue.  Stop torturing yourself by checking up on him.  Stay off of FB, all it does is bring more pain into you life.