I'm smashing through my own boundaries

[Narkiss]

So I went to visit my pwBPD and took my younger child. That was a boundary I had set for myself and voluntarily broke. He is fine. He is acting appropriately. We both are. My child and I are staying in a hotel. I am a mess, though, and feel anxious and terrible. I am guarded and shut down. Not how I wanted to be at all. My (separated) husband would not be happy about it -- I was not completely honest about where we are. It is disrespectful to him. Honesty and respect are two important values. Help me gain insight into why I am doing this. This has nothing really to do with my borderline. It has to do with me.

[Narkiss]

Well, last night I cut the visit short and just went home.

[patientandclear]

That seems quite meaningful. Would it help to explain more what your reasons were?

In answer to your original post: smashing through your own boundaries (good description) is often something that occurs due to addiction. This is where I find the addiction analogy for these r/ships to be useful. Where else do we do things that twist our own values? When there is compulsive behavior driven by a terrible need for something that cannot be obtained in a healthy way.

Eager to hear what your decision making process was. It sounds like you made a tough and important call.

[Narkiss]

I had an overwhelming feeling that I had to leave, that I was using my child to see him and make believe that we had a future together (And it was intolerable to know I did this). I was basically lying to my child why we were there. I took my younger one because he is so innocent and unsuspecting that he would not understand where we were and why I was introducing him to this person. His father assumed we were someplace else, but suspected something because he kept calling and sending texts. I felt like I was in the FOG and doing something really wrong.

In the morning, we met for breakfast, which went fine. Then we took my son swimming, which also went well. My pwBPD then tried to take us sight-seeing, which didn't go as well, because my son wasn't interested. I could tell he was getting irritated, and suppressing it, so I told we'd meet up later for dinner. My son immediately fell asleep. We started talking and it was wonderful. Like you, PC, the connection, the sense of intimacy, the knowledge of another person is so important to me that I am willing to give up almost everything to keep it.

But a strange thing happened. Usually, he is nice to wait staff, and does something to recognize their common humanity. He is also a generous tipper. Anyway, he made a comment to the waitress. She nicely disagreed. (she was 40-ish, blond, very extroverted and overweight). The next time she came by, he started flirting -- and he was good. I could see her responding despite herself. After she left, he basically told me that she was a limited person (he is an intellectual snob) without much to her and he understands what buttons to push -- not his words but that was the sense. I felt like I was watching a play. I was not jealous, because I knew what he was doing. And he was not doing this because he was attracted to her. The next time she came by, he did it even harder and she was drawn in even deeper. He stopped after this.

But as I drove back to the hotel, I realized that my pwBPD basically told me that he can find people's secret keyholes and picks the locks. And I began thinking that maybe does this with me, as well, that the tenderness, the understanding, the connection is what I crave in my heart of hearts. i think in the moment, he genuinely feels it. But there is also the knowledge that it will get him what he wants (love, admiration... .).

At that point, I just wanted to flee and get back on solid ground.

[patientandclear]

That really resonates with me.  There came a time when I started to see the show of interest in my intimate secrets, remembering small pieces of my own history and reminding me that he remembered, all the comments that I and only I understood something about his feelings or his work or his whatever ... .as almost a formula to secure me.  I remember I got an email which had, like, six of those little nuggets in a three paragraph message ... .just a little too much.  And suddenly it looked like a formula that didn't even require much effort on his part -- I am so easy to wind up and secure.  Ever since then, those gestures have pretty much left me cold.

Also know what you mean about watching him with the waitress.  It was eye opening to me to hear from a friend of mine that he met only through me, how it went when they ran into each other on the street.  He walked with her for a while and they talked ... .she said that, if she had not known my story and been super loyal to me, she would have been convinced this guy thought she was the bees' knees and that there could be something unusual between them.  And I've seen it myself with woman behind the counter at coffee shops, women who performed in shows we went to see and that he sought out afterwards ... .yeah. It's not just for me, that's for sure.

Kudos to you for listening to your gut and for noticing that you were doing things not consistent with your own values, especially when you were getting a "hit" (it was going well, was enjoyable).  Someone on another thread referred to people using us for "food" and that metaphor has been with me all day.  The difference between being used and being cared for is sometimes quite subtle, but when your gut is telling you it is the former not the latter, I don't think that is usually a mistake.

[Narkiss]

Yes, the first. I think he does care about me. But I feel -- no, I know -- he is using me. That is why it feels like a transaction. I give him certain things he needs and he gives me certain things I need -- the love, attention, understanding, emotion. And yes I know it is f@$%-ed, but it feels so real that most of the time I think it is. Or maybe I think this is the best I can hope for. My mind keeps going back to the scene in the restaurant. He didn't get what he needed from the waitress the first time -- validation, appreciation -- so he nakedly seduced her. And then when she was trapped, he went back to his usual polite self (but he left a big tip).

He is losing his job. He is under a lot of stress and -- in retrospect -- was disregulated, although he held it together because of my son. Truthfully, I also triggered him in all kinds of ways, because I was upset at myself and anxious.