letting go with dignity instead of anger

[doubleAries]

I have struggled with truly letting go of my 20 year relationship, even though I have been divorced for almost 3 years. It's time to come clean and practice some self respect and dignity. I don't think I'll ever actually let go unless I do.

This may not be the way anyone else would want or need to do this, but it has been helpful for me, and a real relief. I have JADEd and hid for so long that just owning my own crap feels like the weight of the world is lifted. I feel my hand opening, and the letting go happening.

I wrote this email to my ex, but it is for me. I haven't asked any question of this thread, but feel free to comment if you would like.

"Too little, too late…but perhaps can still make a drop or 2 of repair towards years of damage.

No strings attached to this. Just need to do it for myself, to be honest and honorable, like I want to be.

I am sorry for all the years of foisting “help” on you that you didn’t ask for, in so many areas of life. Sure, maybe finding orthomolecular help was a useful thing, but I never stopped there. I “helped” in EVERYTHING. I earned the resentment you felt for me, because I didn’t treat you as equal or autonomous. I treated you as clearly in need of my “help”. I didn’t question my view of your “need” for my help. If I would have, I would have seen that it wasn’t even you I was looking at, it was my own misguided coping method. And that what I secretly hoped was if I “helped” you, “fixed” you, then not only would I have worth and value as a person, but perhaps you would help and fix me. This wasn’t personal about you, or a judgment of you, even though it HAD to appear that way to you. It was about my own internal struggles with self-worth and self-value. I’m sorry for not knowing, and therefore not being able to explain or regulate this. I am sorry for trying to “fix” you as a diversion from fixing myself. It wasn’t malicious—it was ignorance. It wasn’t my property I was lording over you—I really did want to share that—it was my “usefulness”. I didn’t mean to hurt you—I just didn’t know any better.

I am sorry for always criticizing and rarely praising. While also pointing at you for doing it—and not at myself. I was focused on you, because I didn’t matter. I taught you to treat me that way, because it’s how I felt about myself. It was what I was taught, and therefore what I had to offer. Which wasn’t very valuable. And hurtful. I accused you of pushing me away, even as I sometimes forced that to happen. I wasn’t trying to alienate you—I was re-enacting the only thing I knew. Even though the end result was to alienate you. I am sorry that this inevitably led to you thinking I only saw you as a complete screw up, always doing something wrong. That’s understandably how it looked, but not what I felt or actually believed, and was not my motive. But it was still the end result. And I didn’t listen when you tried to tell me, because it wasn’t what I felt or believed, so what you said couldn’t have been true. And only my beliefs and feelings were true, not my actions (in my view). I didn’t see my actions being disconnected from my feelings and beliefs. But they were. I wanted you to see only my motives, and not whether they were coming out the way I wanted them to or not. There were so many things I liked and valued and admired about you—but I kept them under lock and key like treasures that might be stolen or lost or taken if I let it be known that they had value to me. It wasn’t that I didn’t value you—it’s that I still believed what the witch taught me. That anything I valued, I didn’t deserve and it should be taken away. I didn’t want those values to be taken away, so I hid them. I didn’t even realize I was doing it. I’m sorry.

I am sorry for always complaining about what you did, and not letting you talk about what I did. For expecting you to listen to my complaints about you, but being defensive about and unwilling to listen to your complaints about me. As the “helper” I had to be right, and you had to be wrong. Not because I was right and you were wrong—but because I didn’t know how else to act. I didn’t intend to subjugate you—I wanted you to need me and believe I had something of value to offer. Didn’t quite work like I hoped, and I blamed you instead of my method.

I am sorry for wanting you to be sorry for how you treated me without being willing to be vulnerable enough to explain why some things hurt so much worse than others. Just expecting you to know—even though often I didn’t even know myself. I am sorry for believing and wanting you to believe that you were purposefully hurting me. Even as I sometimes hurt you, but made excuses and justifications for myself, without bothering to ask why these things hurt you.  Exactly what I accused you of.

I am sorry for not knowing how to experience and allow my emotions, and instead believing I had to DO something about them to alleviate them—making for some rather erratic behavior when I had contradictory emotions. I didn’t mean to throw you into the ocean with me—I just couldn’t forgive or understand myself for not being “error free” or human.

I am sorry for demanding that you trust me unquestionably, while proving that if you did, I would criticize and “fix” whatever you trusted me with. And then I was angry when you hid from me.

I cannot undo what I have done. I don’t expect you to say “oh, well then, all is forgiven!” I don’t expect anything from you. I just hope to address my own shortcomings in a real and honest way, in the hope that I can do things differently in my present and future. I am sorely disappointed in myself for these things, and the knowledge that so many things could have been very different had I known then what I know now, and that it’s too late, it can’t be erased. I am not excusing myself, just offering the reasons, and the understanding perhaps that it wasn’t you, even though it was directed at you. I am sorry. For a person so worried about fairness, this was not fair at all. I hope I can become the fair person I aspire to be by admitting my own flaws to the person I projected them onto. And perhaps I can forgive myself through being honest and owning my own side of the street instead of always pointing at yours. I want to let go with dignity instead of the mask of anger."

[gotbushels]

doubleAries I admire your honesty to yourself. Thank you for sharing. I felt the letting go and it was a pleasing read.

[heartandwhole]

Hi doublAries,

This feels like it came from a deep and wise place inside of you. Like gotbushels, I admire your honesty and willingness to go to those places that are tender and vulnerable. 

Thank you for sharing this.

heartandwhole

[doubleAries]

Thanks.

And I want to note that this is NOT me "taking all the blame". I have a tendency to vacillate between blaming and taking all the blame. Which is what made letting go so hard. Which view is correct? Hmmmm... .maybe both, maybe neither.

This is just me owning my own side of the street. And resisting justifying my actions as reactions to his comparably more egregious actions (not stating that as a "fact" but as a view I have held for too long).  This is me looking at myself, taking my own inventory instead of his. Also known as "moving on".

[doubleAries]

hmmm... .":)ay after" reflections. I feel different. Can't articulate how/what/why yet, but different. More at peace.

Ex did read the email, called me to say thanks and that even if it seemed "weird" he liked it. He then immediately changed the subject to mundane matters of frustration for him, about weather and chores and such.

There was the tiniest stab of disappointment that he didn't/couldn't reciprocate. But that's what I expected anyway, and that wasn't my motivation anyhow.

[Grey Kitty]

Given what I know about your ex and your r/s with him, I wouldn't have expected much to come of sending him this email.

Yes, you did things you now know were harming him and the r/s, and it is very important to recognize and acknowledge them.

The story I recall is that he did far far more to harm you and the r/s... .and has very little capacity to acknowledge that, apologize, or change... .if any.

[gotbushels]

Thanks.

And I want to note that this is NOT me "taking all the blame". I have a tendency to vacillate between blaming and taking all the blame. Which is what made letting go so hard. Which view is correct? Hmmmm... .maybe both, maybe neither.

This is just me owning my own side of the street. And resisting justifying my actions as reactions to his comparably more egregious actions (not stating that as a "fact" but as a view I have held for too long).  This is me looking at myself, taking my own inventory instead of his. Also known as "moving on".

Interesting that you brought that up. I did notice many "sorry" words. But I think you're neither taking all the blame nor approaching holding yourself out as the victim. I propose that a healthier way to look at it is accountability. I think when you face accountability like this, it allows satisfaction of the person. The fact that you didn't require a response showed you placed no value in judgment--by your ex or others--upon what you wrote. You are powerful enough to not allow judgment from this act to affect you. You are powerful enough to not require or need "feedback" or "what's his answer" or "how can he justify this" as is so often the case with people leaving a sh*tty relationship. I think how powerful you are as a result of this is worthwhile to highlight here as it's something many on the Detaching board are deeply wanting. That he "didn't/couldn't reciprocate" is what you "expected anyway, and that wasn't [your] motivation anyhow".

Also, I think you're confronting yourself. You're exposing yourself to possible judgment, blame, and shame in a controlled way. "This above all: to thine ownself be true, And it must follow, as the night the day [... .]" That requires courage and accountability but it creates a lot of personal honesty. Moreover, if honesty is as a "kiss on the lips", it shows that you are affectionate to yourself. All of these seem to be good for recovery.

This act of a sort of "conversation with ourself" would give satisfaction and peace to ourself (intentional tautology) especially in the absence of the BPD, them being the worse type of person to reason with. I think it's a good example for people recovering.

[doubleAries]

Grey Kitty--well, IF what I wanted was a reaction from him, then correct--nothing much came of it. Part of the dynamic between us came to be that he treated me like a ghost, a non-existent pseudo entity. No reason for that to change now! But that wasn't what I set out to overcome. Having grown up in an extremely dishonest environment, one of my most deeply held core values became honesty. And one of the things bugging me was my own dishonesty in the form of my own justifications for my own behavior.

Did he do far more to harm me and the relationship than I did? ABSOLUTELY. And I was scrupulous over those 20 years to make sure I kept my side of that street pretty tidy in that regard. I spent a lot of time blaming myself for all kinds of things that weren't mine to take blame for... .that the communication failure was mine; he had trouble with interaction so therefore it fell upon me to adapt. That he couldn't help this or that because of his mental illness, so it was my responsibility to be more tolerant and understanding. Etc, etc, etc.

Which is exactly my point here. In this letter, I have taken responsibility ONLY for the things that really were my responsibilities, failures, mistakes, shortcomings, what-have-you. I'm not taking responsibility for anything on his side of the street, and even though I really like things to be "balanced" (even if I have to fudge things to make them appear so, take on more blame than I am due to share the blame, etc) this was a horribly imbalanced relationship. Mental illness being the "cause" or not--this guy is a real A-HOLE.

But I feel pretty good about owning my own crap--the crap that REALLY was mine--instead of the whole thing, or stuff that wasn't mine in order to avoid mine.

What I actually WOULD expect from HIM over this--if I intended to continue having any contact with him, which I do not--is for him to take advantage of and manipulate this information for any advantage he could find. Power is his drug of choice, after all. But going forward WITHOUT contact, this may actually be to my advantage in some way (beyond personal benefit to myself). In that I don't doubt for a minute that he will read this over and over, and twist it into what he needs it to be for his twisted narrative. He always has done that. And always will. He will read into this that I am taking blame for EVERYTHING, that he was right all along--that he was an innocent victim of my horrible behavior (that's what projection is for, right?) and that I am the scapegoat (just like in my childhood). He will carefully note that there are no accusations against him in this letter (and lord knows I already spent years repeating and enumerating my complaints against him like a parrot--which he dismissed then and will continue to dismiss) and he will take this to mean he has finally "won", that I have admitted I am the bad guy, which must mean he is the good guy. I have no doubt whatsoever that this is exactly what is already happening in his mind. But I no longer want to "set the record straight" (JADE). I will leave him to his delusion, as I think it will help ME to achieve that no-contact golden ring dream with him, whilst he wallows in smug "victory".

Again, that wasn't my primary intention, but I will gratefully accept the side bonus.

But seeing myself without the justifications has freed me. You know--the old saying "the truth will set you free". Removing the JADE has separated me from him--what I've been striving to do all along.

[doubleAries]

gotbushels--thanks. As I said to Grey Kitty, I think what I achieved (and couldn't quite articulate until after I did it) was dropping the JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). I think JADE is not only a way to avoid an honest shame free inventory, but it is a form of addiction that can keep us attached to others. We do the JADEing for their benefit mostly.

WERE some of the things I did in that relationship perhaps legitimate reactions to his often jaw dropping insanity? Sure. But I still have to own them. For my own sake--not his.

And I have to admit, it is easier saying these things knowing I don't have to deal with him anymore. Because if I did have to continue to deal with him, he would use this as ammo.

[purekalm]

I just have to say that I've written this same thing multiple times as I've learned and grown. It was hard for me to admit my own faults when he was already so cruel to me. He did use it as ammo later. But that's the biggest difference between me and him, I worked and still do on my issues, he pretends he doesn't have any. I imagine it was difficult to write and actually send.