3 years after relationship with ex..still healing..advice please

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was with my ex for 4 years, and our relationship ended 3 years ago. He was my first real relationship, and I was fairly young when we started dating. In the beginning everything seemed to be going well, we had a hobby in common that we met through. After a while things started going downhill. He started getting mad at me for some of the most seemingly small things. When we got in these arguments I would start crying because of his yelling and would constantly be told Im too sensitive. These arguments could go on for entire days where I would just be agreeing with what he said, doing anything to try to make them stop and he would just go on and on yelling at lecturing me. He would have this look in his eye of hatred. I started becoming increasingly nervous about upsetting him. I would filter everything I said so as to make sure I didn't say anything the wrong way and upset him. He would use Gaslighting tactics and make me feel as if I was crazy, he would tell me certain events never happened, he never said certain things, etc. He would devalue my opinions, discredit anything I did, "teach" me how to do things the "right" way... he made me feel worthless, useless, never good enough. I would try to bring up issues in our relationship to communicate with him about them, and by the end of the conversation he would get mad at me and make it seem as if the problem was my fault, and I would end up apologizing to him and promising to work harder to fix my problems. He would put down my interests, my passions, things I loved, my family. Eventually he criticized the way I looked. He told me he found certain things about me unattractive... and he told me this out of nowhere, with no warning signs. I was shocked. He would go through periods of time where he would ignore me, say that he didn't want to talk to me. He would use me for money and often did not have a job. He would make fun of my religion and try to show me videos to "convert" me... after lying to me early on in our relationship and stating that he shared my beliefs. I can only being to describe everything that occurred in our relationship. His friend even accused him of cheating, which I don't know if that was true or not. I did not have any friends and so I never told anyone what was going on in our relationship. Eventually I went online to forums and got some support there... and opened up to a couple old friends after that. I gained the strength I needed... and finally I left him. Today I am doing amazing, I am engaged and my fiancé is the most patient, understanding, loving man in the entire world. He has been my absolute support and listened to me whenever I need him, he's always there for me and never gets frustrated with my issues. However, it is now 3 years after our relationship ended... and Im still dealing with some of the issues. I still have issues with anxiety that I did not have before the relationship with my ex. I still have a lot of anxiety when I am around lots of unfamiliar people... I get very worried about how I appear to them, what they may think about me... and I get afraid of doing something wrong. I still have body image issues that come and go. Sometimes I will feel ok, and then randomly I will see something about myself that I feel must change... I will feel that something is always wrong with me and needs to be fixed. I will go through phases of restricting my food intake and doing lots of exercise, and then later feel that I have lost too much weight and feel I need to gain weight. It's just like I always feel something must be fixed, and I can't see my body correctly... I don't know if I look underweight, overweight, etc. I also will go through phases of feeling alone, alienated... for almost nothing. I feel in some regards Ive improved a lot and in others I have a long way to go. Luckily my fiancé is beyond amazing, he has held me together through this and is so patient and loving. But I want to stop giving him this burden as well... I want to get over this... leave it in the past forever and stop having these issues haunt me. I would love any advice on where to go from here, what to do.

[Someone123]

I was with my ex for 4 years, and our relationship ended 3 years ago. He was my first real relationship, and I was fairly young when we started dating. In the beginning everything seemed to be going well, we had a hobby in common that we met through. After a while things started going downhill. He started getting mad at me for some of the most seemingly small things. When we got in these arguments I would start crying because of his yelling and would constantly be told Im too sensitive. These arguments could go on for entire days where I would just be agreeing with what he said, doing anything to try to make them stop and he would just go on and on yelling at lecturing me. He would have this look in his eye of hatred. I started becoming increasingly nervous about upsetting him. I would filter everything I said so as to make sure I didn't say anything the wrong way and upset him. He would use Gaslighting tactics and make me feel as if I was crazy, he would tell me certain events never happened, he never said certain things, etc. He would devalue my opinions, discredit anything I did, "teach" me how to do things the "right" way... he made me feel worthless, useless, never good enough. I would try to bring up issues in our relationship to communicate with him about them, and by the end of the conversation he would get mad at me and make it seem as if the problem was my fault, and I would end up apologizing to him and promising to work harder to fix my problems. He would put down my interests, my passions, things I loved, my family. Eventually he criticized the way I looked. He told me he found certain things about me unattractive... and he told me this out of nowhere, with no warning signs. I was shocked. He would go through periods of time where he would ignore me, say that he didn't want to talk to me. He would use me for money and often did not have a job. He would make fun of my religion and try to show me videos to "convert" me... after lying to me early on in our relationship and stating that he shared my beliefs. I can only being to describe everything that occurred in our relationship. His friend even accused him of cheating, which I don't know if that was true or not. I did not have any friends and so I never told anyone what was going on in our relationship. Eventually I went online to forums and got some support there... and opened up to a couple old friends after that. I gained the strength I needed... and finally I left him. Today I am doing amazing, I am engaged and my fiancé is the most patient, understanding, loving man in the entire world. He has been my absolute support and listened to me whenever I need him, he's always there for me and never gets frustrated with my issues. However, it is now 3 years after our relationship ended... and Im still dealing with some of the issues. I still have issues with anxiety that I did not have before the relationship with my ex. I still have a lot of anxiety when I am around lots of unfamiliar people... I get very worried about how I appear to them, what they may think about me... and I get afraid of doing something wrong. I still have body image issues that come and go. Sometimes I will feel ok, and then randomly I will see something about myself that I feel must change... I will feel that something is always wrong with me and needs to be fixed. I will go through phases of restricting my food intake and doing lots of exercise, and then later feel that I have lost too much weight and feel I need to gain weight. It's just like I always feel something must be fixed, and I can't see my body correctly... I don't know if I look underweight, overweight, etc. I also will go through phases of feeling alone, alienated... for almost nothing. I feel in some regards Ive improved a lot and in others I have a long way to go. Luckily my fiancé is beyond amazing, he has held me together through this and is so patient and loving. But I want to stop giving him this burden as well... I want to get over this... leave it in the past forever and stop having these issues haunt me. I would love any advice on where to go from here, what to do.

[joeramabeme]

Hey Someone123

I remember my first serious romance; high school sweetheart and we dated off and on for 7 years and it took me about as long to get over it as well.  I don't think she was BP but the two of us certainly had a lot of hang ups which resulted in the ending.

If you are seeing a guy that honors your feelings about what happened that is really awesome!  Sometimes I think it is just a maturing phase that we have yet to pass through or one that we gradually grow into that gets us past the most painful feelings and allows the past to slowly slip away. 

Have you tried discussing all this with a therapist?  Especially your anxiety?  It is possible that there is some other place in your life where the anxiety emanates from and without a reference point for where that place is, it will appear as if it is all emanating from your ex BP and may not be.

JRB

[JQ]

Hi Someone,

First I'm sorry that your exBPD has had such an affect on you. I remember a r/s that turned out to be my first BPD when I was younger, she really screwed me up for a very long time. After that I decided I was never going to have someone screw me up like that ever again.

Fast forward a 3 yrs ago when I managed to get involved with someone who was BPD and the breakup that came (2 yrs) after that. I would echo Joeamabeme statement in getting a really good therapist who is really good at BPD/Codependent R/s to help you sort through your feelings, emotions, and thoughts. There was another post not long ago and most if not all agreed that a T is really the key to getting past this point in addition to a lot of homework, reading, educating, on yourself to find out why you got there in the first place. 

YOU have to be proactive in your own recovery!      Get out for a walk to burn off the stress, anxiety and get the good endorphins moving in your body. Be sure to eat right because nothing good comes from junk food ... .not even your poo      And keep a sense of humor        Laughing is good for the soul and helps you bust up more anxiety and stress too.

Go to a movie, bike ride, get up 1/2 hour early and enjoy the sunrise with your new beau.      Get out of your place and enjoy the outdoors.  Then come here, let us know how you doing. What YOU are doing to improve your own awareness, YOUR own well being.      It's somewhat therapeutic too, to get it out and ask questions, bounce ideas off the group.

You're going to get through this, it gets better. It always gets better Someone. 

J

[Ahoy]

JQ one day you will run out of smiley faces I swear... .

Hey mate, if it's stuff from 3 years ago, i would peg this as being trauma related, certain events are triggers for you.

Betrayal bonds is a good book to read, it has an informal quiz in chapter 2 that can be used ax a rough gauge where you might be getting stuck.

Like sénor smiley face suggests, a therapist might be a great avenue, especially one specialised in PTSD or trauma.

Trauma is scary in that it can rear it's ugly head in 10, 15, 20 years, it's why I'm so keen to thoroughly heal from the mess that is my relationship. I want to get all the hurt out now, not drag it around with me for the rest if my (hopefully long life.

On a personal note, congrats on finding a supportive partner, great stuff! As JQ says: "    "

[JQ]

Hey Someone,

As my Kiwi brother    points out ... .PTSD & trauma regardless of the cause can surface 10-15-20 yrs later and a really good T is important to help you get through it.  I had a PTSD incident before I retired from the military pop up from 9 years earlier.  A Ph.d & a good therapist helped me get through it and I learned that it doesn't need to be military related for PTSD to show up as Ahoy points out.

EMDR is a pretty good & effective treatment for PTSD & trauma related issues. The US Military has about 94% success rate with it's treatment. That and reading information and books as Ahoy points out to help you understand a little better is always beneficial too. 

ANND as my Kiwi friend points out, CONGRATS on your bf & him being so supportive with you. 

And keep a since of humor too!  Really as Ahoy and I have shown you ... .a sense of humor is going to be part of the good foundation on your recovery and living a fuller life with your new bf.   

Then there's the group here ... .we're here to support you when you need it.          ... .just for you Kiwi 

[khibomsis]

Hey Someone, I know it can be hard. I too am very happily married now and am grateful every day for what we have. But being with a BPD is not very good preparation for how to handle normal relationships. I mean, relationships are a big deal even without a history of BPD and tricker stilll when one lacks the early training. In my case I have a BPD FOO from whom I am recoveringly co-dependent, I am as LC as I can but I worry a lot because their craziness sparks my anxiety and PTSD which means I can be emotionally unavailable for sometimes months at a time while I heal. I can get stuck in these cycles of recovery/trying to catch up at work and in the meantime leaning on my spouse for support but not really being a spouse back.  That is not fair on a partner.  And then, we have conflict too but  if it comes out the wrong way that will trigger me and whoops off I go again. Even though intellectually I know that it is not the conflict in the present but the emotional habit of walking on eggshells, that doesn't help the trigger. So although experience has taught me that some disagreement is perfectly normal and like adults we will work through it, communicate, compromise and build trust, with PTSD it does take a bit longer. Being used to not having any support it also took me years to ask for help. Now I work at saying 'you can't do this, you must say it like that, if it comes across like this it is going to trigger'. That took a lot of effort on my part.

I spent a couple of years ridding myself of BPD fleas. The fact is that we are so used to such high levels of conflict that  we can be pretty aggressive ourselves and seem peaceful by comparison. Maybe this is less of an issue for people who don't have BPD FOO's? In any case, I had to learn to turn the volume down on the drama.

I still struggle a lot with boundaries. I simply don't know how to set them or police them, I was never validated in my FOO and went through a series of abusive relationships as an adult. So this thing of having boundaries and having them respected is new to me.

For sure, the previous posters are right about a therapist. I could not have done what I did without professional support.

All that said, I am so lucky to have a beautiful and loving spouse who is willing to work through all of this with me.  You should count your blessings. The list of problems should not obscure the fact that we spend most of our time creating memories and plain being happy. I learn it like an art, the way children learn, by trying and failing.  Don't deprive yourself of that joy by worrying about how you look! JQ is right, eat well, exercise regularly and remember that in your bf's eyes you are gorgeous.  , khib