Why is he not recycling me?

[gah]

My exBpd bf has now been with my replacement for a year.  I've reached out to him a couple of times and received no response.

Assuming I'm still devalued and I think he blames me for leaving when he got violent.

Do you think he'll ever get in contact? I don't want him back. The man I knew doesn't exist but I thought I might get an apology or he'd try to recycle. He's recycled his other exes except one.

I know I shouldn't care but I do.

His pattern is 6 months in he cheats but he was married for 20 years. How has he stayed with this one so long?

Guess I'm comparing...

[drummerboy5]

My exBpd bf has now been with my replacement for a year.  I've reached out to him a couple of times and received no response.

Assuming I'm still devalued and I think he blames me for leaving when he got violent.

Do you think he'll ever get in contact? I don't want him back. The man I knew doesn't exist but I thought I might get an apology or he'd try to recycle. He's recycled his other exes except one.

I know I shouldn't care but I do.

His pattern is 6 months in he cheats but he was married for 20 years. How has he stayed with this one so long?

Guess I'm comparing...

He has new supply. As soon as the supply is over he will move on to the next or reach out to an old supply.

[thisagain]

Hi gah! Great username, very descriptive of our feelings

For a while after my breakup I was really frustrated that my ex wasn't trying to recycle with me. I didn't want to get back together with her, but I still hated how it felt to be devalued. I wanted her to acknowledge that I was a wonderful partner, apologize for screwing everything up, beg me to take her back, etc. So I know the feeling   

From a quick glance at your post history I saw that you more recently got out of another relationship. How long were you single in between those relationships? Did the more recent breakup affect how often you think about your BPD ex, or how you feel about wanting contact with him?

[Dhand77]

After wondering this a great deal myself, I've come to conclusion that my exBPDgf will quite possibly never attempt a recycle with me. Unlike all of her relationships where she was always in the "one up" position, I was an anomaly for her. I'm intelligent, good looking and have a fantastic ability to call people out on their bulls**t. She prefers her guys dumb, below average in the looks department and used to taking a lot of crap.

It always bothered her, that I was smarter than her. As this was something she would bring up quite often in arguments or when she was passive aggressively taking shots at me.

Judging from everyone's stories, it seems they inevitably reach out at some point. Wether it's one year or twenty, they eventually crawl out from under their rock and reach out. I hope and pray my ex stays under her rock. But, I'm sure she'll make a liar out of me one day and try to worm her way into my life again when she thinks it's safe.

[Herodias]

You don't need an apology from a liar first of all. Second, I had a half assed recycle attempt a couple times... .Yet, I know he didn't really mean it. I think he just wanted to see what I would do. He said too much had happened between us (the violence and the women) he can't face me... .this may be the case for you. Don't let it hurt your feelings. Once they have a fresh mind to mess up, they feel better about themselves. That person doesn't really know who they are and they can pretend to be whatever they want. I would think it's a lonely existence. They may reach out at some low point in their lives... .as you have seen, sometimes 20 years later. Don't wait for it... .It's like watching paint dry.

[Dutched]

Gah,

Please don’t expect your healing to be a linear one. There are fallbacks, as I read between the lines.

So it is normal to compare.

But let’s think out of that box for a while (you know, that cluster B box which we sometimes try to fill).

After every r/s one needs to heal, to detach. Saying is 1 month for every yr, but after a 20 yrs r/s it could be longer as there is a lot more history.  

Instead to grieve, to detach, work on themselves, so to wait, many people go out and ‘have a good time’ to ‘get over it’ and are open for another (casual) r/s.

Now that may work for both of them or not  and/or later on the real problems will rise as 1 in that r/s didn’t took time to heal.

Back into the box.

The pattern he showed with his ex of 20yrs. is the same pattern he showed you, only a different time frame.

Sorry it might sound harsh,  but ‘lucky you’ as you dodged a bullet.

To comfort you, cluster B is a disorder, it can be managed, not healed, never.

Managed and stabilised when treated, if not, worsening with age, as many stories on this Board, incl. mine.

Out of that box again.

He is in another r/s, ‘moved on’. I could be that he is happy… and has no intention for contact.

In the box again.

Don’t expect an apologize, closure or even a goodbye that is almost impossible for a cluster B person.

First of all, at the moment that caused the break you caused his pain, you are the persecutor.

I know, he got violent and you left.

That is not what he experienced in his mind. He had to, there was no other possibility for him…

We stay in that box.

The reaction on that is that  cluster B will be the hurt and angry child.

Later realising, in a way, there own behaviour, they will be covered in an overflow of deep, deep shame.

Shame, and that stays that way.

The next step will be guilt.

Guilt is to recognise ones mistakes and the ability/maturity to alter them for the future.

Out of that box again

Compare a 4-6 yr. old when mom denies a sweetie just before lunch/dinner. An angry response is possible, as ‘I hate you!’, I don’t want dinner I want a sweetie now!  

But… will that child apologize for saying ‘I hate you!’, no, the child is hurt and ashamed  

As parent the task to validate, explain and set rules. Later the child will have forgotten all and loves mom again  

In yrs. the child evolves from hanging in shame to expressing an recognising guilt, to mature. Cluster B don't.

In that box

Mom (so you) wasn’t there anymore, left, leaving him alone… (btw: doesn’t matter who left who, for cluster B it is the same)

Who else was left, he, himself as the hurted child

Please don’t ever expect an apology. And if, as is can be counted on 1 hand on this Board, analysing it will bring you no further as it is full of contradictions.

[gah]

This all makes sense... .thank you so much for taking the time to respond.  It's so nice for other people to understand.  My friends think I'm crazy and they would devalue me if I said I felt this way.

It's exactly one year today that I moved out of the house we had bought 2 months before.  I've just kept moving and just don't want to deal with it emotionally. 

ThisAgain... .I dated someone I knew from school less than 2 months after leaving.  It was rebound.  I've spent a lot of my life single and I'm not afraid to be alone.  I met the Paranoid Personality Disorder guy a couple months after that. I never allowed myself to get close to him and spotted some red flags early on (yay me).  I'm not sure if you were asking wondering if I can be alone?  I love being alone and it's a struggle for me to give it up sometimes. 

I really miss the BPD man that never existed.  I just re-read some stuff I wrote and noticed that right before he switched he wasn't feeling well and said it felt like his head was removed from his body and then the rages started the next day.  I do feel sorry for him but wonder how he can sustain a relationship for a year.  It also makes me wonder why I can't ... .maybe I'm the crazy one.

[cherryblossom]

Unlike all of her relationships where she was always in the "one up" position, I was an anomaly for her. I'm intelligent, good looking and have a fantastic ability to call people out on their bulls**t. She prefers her guys dumb, below average in the looks department and used to taking a lot of crap.

It always bothered her, that I was smarter than her. As this was something she would bring up quite often in arguments or when she was passive aggressively taking shots at me.

I can def relate to this can you Gah? I never gave the impression overtly I was going to be a knight in shining armour -I def did moments of caretaking etc... .but never allowed him to think I would keep that up - I always encouraged his own healing, development, self growth etc... .I am liked for my honesty and directness----I always called him out on unacceptable behaviour and always attempted to put up boundaries -he just pushed and pushed until in end I had to flee our home because he was behaving so disgracefully (I didn't know he had BPD during our relationship only at end -so I do feel I could have done some things differently)  I'm also a very independent well liked good looking person -things I should be cherished for by a partner------ not secretly having jealousy fear and resentment stored up against me because of those qualities and attempts to control /dominate me

He said even to the end we had the pinnacle of love but he has gone on to replace me with a less intelligent, less attractive person -so much easier to feel happier with as not so threatening -probably put up with more BS ------a  cowardly way out -so much easier than seeking help -repairing true love

Thanks for having the balls to put this post up as it has been something I've been thinking recently -thankfully am detaching more and more and coming away from that type of ruminating and you will too xxx

[Phenomenal Woman]

Wow what a great way to look at BPD r/s breakups... .I thought it was only me waiting to be recycled.

Please don’t expect your healing to be a linear one. There are fallbacks, as I read between the lines.

So it is normal to compare.

But let’s think out of that box for a while (you know, that cluster B box which we sometimes try to fill).

After every r/s one needs to heal, to detach. Saying is 1 month for every yr, but after a 20 yrs r/s it could be longer as there is a lot more history.  

Instead to grieve, to detach, work on themselves, so to wait, many people go out and ‘have a good time’ to ‘get over it’ and are open for another (casual) r/s.

Now that may work for both of them or not  and/or later on the real problems will rise as 1 in that r/s didn’t took time to heal.

Back into the box.

The pattern he showed with his ex of 20yrs. is the same pattern he showed you, only a different time frame.

Sorry it might sound harsh,  but ‘lucky you’ as you dodged a bullet.

To comfort you, cluster B is a disorder, it can be managed, not healed, never.

Managed and stabilised when treated, if not, worsening with age, as many stories on this Board, incl. mine.

Out of that box again.

He is in another r/s, ‘moved on’. I could be that he is happy… and has no intention for contact.

In the box again.

Don’t expect an apologize, closure or even a goodbye that is almost impossible for a cluster B person.

First of all, at the moment that caused the break you caused his pain, you are the persecutor.

I know, he got violent and you left.

That is not what he experienced in his mind. He had to, there was no other possibility for him…

We stay in that box.

The reaction on that is that  cluster B will be the hurt and angry child.

Later realising, in a way, there own behaviour, they will be covered in an overflow of deep, deep shame.

Shame, and that stays that way.

The next step will be guilt.

Guilt is to recognise ones mistakes and the ability/maturity to alter them for the future.

Out of that box again

Compare a 4-6 yr. old when mom denies a sweetie just before lunch/dinner. An angry response is possible, as ‘I hate you!’, I don’t want dinner I want a sweetie now!  

But… will that child apologize for saying ‘I hate you!’, no, the child is hurt and ashamed  

As parent the task to validate, explain and set rules. Later the child will have forgotten all and loves mom again  

In yrs. the child evolves from hanging in shame to expressing an recognising guilt, to mature. Cluster B don't.

In that box

Mom (so you) wasn’t there anymore, left, leaving him alone… (btw: doesn’t matter who left who, for cluster B it is the same)

Who else was left, he, himself as the hurted child

Please don’t ever expect an apology. And if, as is can be counted on 1 hand on this Board, analysing it will bring you no further as it is full of contradictions.[/quote]

[sweet tooth]

I ask myself the same thing. It's been over two months. I'm wondering if/when she'll get back in touch... .and what I'll do when she does... .

[Confused108]

Some recycle and some never do. Besides why would you want them too? I took mine back bc I had no idea how mental she was and about BPD. Believe me if I knew I would have ran and blocked her!

[Icanteven]

I ask myself the same thing. It's been over two months. I'm wondering if/when she'll get back in touch... .and what I'll do when she does... .

Who says she will?  My wife has never gone back.  NEVER.  I could kid myself and say, well, this is different, we're married, but the reality is she's a stunningly beautiful woman who has never had any trouble finding good-looking, successful men to date and never will; she won't come back because frankly she won't have to, and them's just the breaks.   

What really, really sucks, though, is that, occasionally throughout our marriage, when she was in a low place, she would say something like "I really did so and so wrong with the way things ended."  Now, she's not actually feeling shame or remorse in the way you and I would feel it, but rather recognizing she SHOULD feel shame or remorse and groping desperately for what that feels like when someone else is involved. 

I'm sure she'll have similar moments of clarity involving me down the road.  Or our children.  What will she do?  Not a thing if history is any guide.

I guess what stumps me on so many of these threads is this: why do so many people want them to come back?  In my situation, I really only have one reason: she is my wife, we are a family, and it is incumbent on me to save our family for our children's sake and for her sake if I can.  But that's it.  Other than her looks, my wife has literally nothing going for herself, and if we were dating or engaged or fooling around or whatever, it would have been "have a nice life" the day she left.  Moreover, if I met her today, I would have absolutely no interest in her whatsoever.  I would run the hell away. 

For example, I ran into her spiritual sister sitting at a bar a few weeks ago (early evening, not that kind of deal):  model (no, for real model, not model-looking), very forward with sexual innuendo, and frankly out of her mind.  And, before meeting my wife, I would have been flattered by this gorgeous woman's aggressiveness and the thought of spending all night getting crazy in bed.  Now?  I've already lived that life TYVM, and within fifteen minutes of making her acquaintance I excused myself and went elsewhere.  My brain was screaming at me "RUN YOU IDIOT."  And I did.  She was pissed.  That doesn't happen to her a lot, if at all, and I could see that she realized I had realized something was way off.

So, I ask again, what is it?  Is it the beauty?  Is it the sex?  Because, in being on these boards, I don't see - at least for us men - a whole lot else that's going on.  My wife lovebombed me with everything she had, but that fizzled relatively quickly looking back on our relationship.  She held me in check with lots and lots of sex with a gorgeous woman.  And, that was about it.  And even that faded.  Lots of women love sports.  Lots of women are hilarious.  Lots of women are smart.  Lots of women like the music you like.  And on and on and on. 

Armchair quarterbacking, just kinda feel like it boils down to a feeling that we're never going to do better looks or sex wise, which means in a very literal sense that we have peaked right here right now.  And that could and would be terrifying.

[Mars22]

Icanteven - Jeez man, you bring up an excellent point. I feel the same way. Been 2 months or so and yeah, I'd love to get back with her and clear things up between us. Not sure if I would date her again though ? ... after what I believe i know now about the disorder? I'm not sure. But i feel, in my situation anyway, that theres that feeling that REALLY need you in their lives. I guess its the caretaker aspect? We felt needed perhaps like no other partner made us feel. Its a like any withdrawal perhaps.

[steelwork]

I guess what stumps me on so many of these threads is this: why do so many people want them to come back?  

... .

So, I ask again, what is it?  Is it the beauty?  Is it the sex?  Because, in being on these boards, I don't see - at least for us men - a whole lot else that's going on.  My wife lovebombed me with everything she had, but that fizzled relatively quickly looking back on our relationship.  She held me in check with lots and lots of sex with a gorgeous woman.  And, that was about it.  And even that faded.  Lots of women love sports.  Lots of women are hilarious.  Lots of women are smart.  Lots of women like the music you like.  And on and on and on.  

Well, I can see why you don't want her back... .but there are lots of people here who were deeply in love with their SOs. Even if it were simple to do so, it's not a matter of finding someone who shares your interests and is smart and funny. It's not a matter of "replacing." It's a lonely world out there sometimes, and especially when you've just had your heart squashed. I know he was bad for me, I was bad for him, it wouldn't work... .but that doesn't mean I can just turn my feelings off. Sure, sex is part of it, but not all of it.

[once removed]

Icanteven, its a good question you ask. the answer, the reasons, are very personal, and run the gamut from: the sex, the heartbreak and longing for the bond, the intense feeling of rejection, a longing for closure (the sudden, abrupt finality these relationships tend to have can really linger), the urge (or compulsion even) to go back and do things "right", the feeling of losing ones soulmate, the addictive elements of the relationship... .many more reasons that will differ from person to person, but that we share, as members, a certain commonality with.

for me personally it was several of those, and may have differed from day to day or month to month.

much of it boils down to:

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

We often believe that our “BPD” partner is the master of our joy and the keeper of our sorrow. You may feel that they have touched the very depths of your soul. As hard as this is to believe right now, your perspective on this is likely a bit off. Idealization is a powerful “drug” – and it came along at a time in your life when you were very receptive to it. In time, you will come to realize that your partner’s idealization of you, no matter how sincere, was a courting ritual and an overstatement of the real emotions at the time. You were special – but not that special. You will also come to realize that a lot of your elation was due to your own receptivity and openness and your hopes. You will also come to realize that someone coming out of an extended intense and traumatic relationship is often depressed and can not see things clearly. You may feel anxious, confused, and you may be ruminating about your BPD partner. All of this distorts your perception of reality. You may even be indulging in substance abuse to cope.

[Icanteven]

Well, I can see why you don't want her back... .but there are lots of people here who were deeply in love with their SOs. Even if it were simple to do so, it's not a matter of finding someone who shares your interests and is smart and funny. It's not a matter of "replacing." It's a lonely world out there sometimes, and especially when you've just had your heart squashed. I know he was bad for me, I was bad for him, it wouldn't work... .but that doesn't mean I can just turn my feelings off. Sure, sex is part of it, but not all of it.

I still deeply love my wife as well.  And, like a lot of the others on the board, I miss her desperately and would try to make it work should she wish to try as well.  But, I can't tell if my reasons for missing her run to anything other than fidelity to our family and a misplaced hope that the woman I fell in love with might return someday with enough therapy.  I know the latter not to be true; go to therapy, get well, probably find out she wants different things in life. 

Not trying to minimize anyone's feelings at all, but we are dealing with mentally ill partners.  I promised my wife to love her for life no matter what, and I took that promise seriously.  That said, if I hadn't vowed to love her no matter what, I think I would feel a sense of relief that she's gone.  She was miserable to be around and as the facade burned off there was just ugliness to who she was. 

I may never have the chemical interactions with anyone else that I had with her for the rest of my life, but I could use some adult love at this point. 

[steelwork]

Well, that's a different issue. You said you didn't understand why anyone would want their ex. You asked if it was just for sex, since all the other attributes (humor, intelligence, shared interests) were so easily available (not that they actually are). We all acknowledge the problems inherent in our r/s's.

I mean, you said you were "stumped" so I gave you an answer: love.

[balletomane]

My ex recycled me just a couple of weeks after breaking up with me. The very next time he saw me after the breakup, he told me he loved me, and we ended up in bed. The recycle lasted for just over a year, and for most of that time, we were much closer than we'd been as a couple - and he was much calmer. I think the pressure of being in an 'official' relationship brought out the worst in him.

I was overjoyed and relieved at the recycle, because I thought this meant he couldn't have really meant the cruel things he said during the breakup. It started to feel like a bad dream, nothing real. He couldn't even remember what he'd said and done, so that made it even easier for me to persuade myself that he hadn't meant it, and that he really loved me. Not-so-deep down, I knew that those things had happened, and our failure to resolve them openly continued to hurt and worry me. But so long as he was interested in me and being kind to me, I was prepared to suppress my unease and hurt.

The recycle ended abruptly when he found someone else he'd rather be with. This threw me headlong into the incredibly distressing realisation that he'd only recycled me because he hadn't had anyone else. During the recycle, he'd been very lonely, he hadn't felt like he was fitting in at university, and he'd been sharing a flat with people the uni had put together at random, not with proper friends. That was his first year as a student. As the year went by, he started to make friends on his course - one of whom would become my replacement. She suggested that he flat-share with her and another student in the year to come. He accepted. If he'd made friends more quickly and settled down from the first week on campus, I have no doubt that my recycle would never have happened. Maybe he did love me, and he cared about me to the best of his capacity - I'll never know for sure. What I do know for sure is that I was available at that time and no one else was, and he is the sort of person who struggles to be alone. This realisation was deeply painful because I wanted to believe that he'd stayed with me because he loved me and I mattered, and I could no longer be sure of that.

I see why not getting recycled would also be upsetting, and how you could interpret it to mean that your ex never really cared. But no matter what your ex does or doesn't try with you, you are going to end up feeling hurt. This is a crappy situation where every current option - NC, LC, recycling, not recycling, getting back together - contains pain, at least for now. There is unlikely to be any happy ending here except the one you make for yourself, not including the ex.

[sweet tooth]

I ask myself the same thing. It's been over two months. I'm wondering if/when she'll get back in touch... .and what I'll do when she does... .

Who says she will?  My wife has never gone back.  NEVER.  I could kid myself and say, well, this is different, we're married, but the reality is she's a stunningly beautiful woman who has never had any trouble finding good-looking, successful men to date and never will; she won't come back because frankly she won't have to, and them's just the breaks.   

What really, really sucks, though, is that, occasionally throughout our marriage, when she was in a low place, she would say something like "I really did so and so wrong with the way things ended."  Now, she's not actually feeling shame or remorse in the way you and I would feel it, but rather recognizing she SHOULD feel shame or remorse and groping desperately for what that feels like when someone else is involved. 

I'm sure she'll have similar moments of clarity involving me down the road.  Or our children.  What will she do?  Not a thing if history is any guide.

I guess what stumps me on so many of these threads is this: why do so many people want them to come back?  In my situation, I really only have one reason: she is my wife, we are a family, and it is incumbent on me to save our family for our children's sake and for her sake if I can.  But that's it.  Other than her looks, my wife has literally nothing going for herself, and if we were dating or engaged or fooling around or whatever, it would have been "have a nice life" the day she left.  Moreover, if I met her today, I would have absolutely no interest in her whatsoever.  I would run the hell away. 

For example, I ran into her spiritual sister sitting at a bar a few weeks ago (early evening, not that kind of deal):  model (no, for real model, not model-looking), very forward with sexual innuendo, and frankly out of her mind.  And, before meeting my wife, I would have been flattered by this gorgeous woman's aggressiveness and the thought of spending all night getting crazy in bed.  Now?  I've already lived that life TYVM, and within fifteen minutes of making her acquaintance I excused myself and went elsewhere.  My brain was screaming at me "RUN YOU IDIOT."  And I did.  She was pissed.  That doesn't happen to her a lot, if at all, and I could see that she realized I had realized something was way off.

So, I ask again, what is it?  Is it the beauty?  Is it the sex?  Because, in being on these boards, I don't see - at least for us men - a whole lot else that's going on.  My wife lovebombed me with everything she had, but that fizzled relatively quickly looking back on our relationship.  She held me in check with lots and lots of sex with a gorgeous woman.  And, that was about it.  And even that faded.  Lots of women love sports.  Lots of women are hilarious.  Lots of women are smart.  Lots of women like the music you like.  And on and on and on. 

Armchair quarterbacking, just kinda feel like it boils down to a feeling that we're never going to do better looks or sex wise, which means in a very literal sense that we have peaked right here right now.  And that could and would be terrifying.

In 11 months with mine, I never did more than hold her hand and kiss her on the cheek. I genuinely loved her for who she was and how she made me feel. When she wasn't dysregulating she was a wonderful person to be around. She's smart, funny, kind, spontaneous, adventurous, and caring. She made me laugh like nobody else could. I could/would have gone years without having sex with her. I legitimately enjoyed her company. I miss her dearly, despite the emotional instability and disappearing acts.

[drummerboy5]

I ask myself the same thing. It's been over two months. I'm wondering if/when she'll get back in touch... .and what I'll do when she does... .

Who says she will?  My wife has never gone back.  NEVER.  I could kid myself and say, well, this is different, we're married, but the reality is she's a stunningly beautiful woman who has never had any trouble finding good-looking, successful men to date and never will; she won't come back because frankly she won't have to, and them's just the breaks.    

What really, really sucks, though, is that, occasionally throughout our marriage, when she was in a low place, she would say something like "I really did so and so wrong with the way things ended."  Now, she's not actually feeling shame or remorse in the way you and I would feel it, but rather recognizing she SHOULD feel shame or remorse and groping desperately for what that feels like when someone else is involved.  

I'm sure she'll have similar moments of clarity involving me down the road.  Or our children.  What will she do?  Not a thing if history is any guide.

I guess what stumps me on so many of these threads is this: why do so many people want them to come back?  In my situation, I really only have one reason: she is my wife, we are a family, and it is incumbent on me to save our family for our children's sake and for her sake if I can.  But that's it.  Other than her looks, my wife has literally nothing going for herself, and if we were dating or engaged or fooling around or whatever, it would have been "have a nice life" the day she left.  Moreover, if I met her today, I would have absolutely no interest in her whatsoever.  I would run the hell away.  

For example, I ran into her spiritual sister sitting at a bar a few weeks ago (early evening, not that kind of deal):  model (no, for real model, not model-looking), very forward with sexual innuendo, and frankly out of her mind.  And, before meeting my wife, I would have been flattered by this gorgeous woman's aggressiveness and the thought of spending all night getting crazy in bed.  Now?  I've already lived that life TYVM, and within fifteen minutes of making her acquaintance I excused myself and went elsewhere.  My brain was screaming at me "RUN YOU IDIOT."  And I did.  She was pissed.  That doesn't happen to her a lot, if at all, and I could see that she realized I had realized something was way off.

So, I ask again, what is it?  Is it the beauty?  Is it the sex?  Because, in being on these boards, I don't see - at least for us men - a whole lot else that's going on.  My wife lovebombed me with everything she had, but that fizzled relatively quickly looking back on our relationship.  She held me in check with lots and lots of sex with a gorgeous woman.  And, that was about it.  And even that faded.  Lots of women love sports.  Lots of women are hilarious.  Lots of women are smart.  Lots of women like the music you like.  And on and on and on.  

Armchair quarterbacking, just kinda feel like it boils down to a feeling that we're never going to do better looks or sex wise, which means in a very literal sense that we have peaked right here right now.  And that could and would be terrifying.

In 11 months with mine, I never did more than hold her hand and kiss her on the cheek. I genuinely loved her for who she was and how she made me feel. When she wasn't dysregulating she was a wonderful person to be around. She's smart, funny, kind, spontaneous, adventurous, and caring. She made me laugh like nobody else could. I could/would have gone years without having sex with her. I legitimately enjoyed her company. I miss her dearly, despite the emotional instability and disappearing acts.

I agree with sweet tooth.i loved my ex for who she was. I accepted her with her disorder. My exBPD/npd was a wonderful woman until she got pregnant now I don't know who she is... I haven't seen her or talked to her and she 33 weeks along. She's all ove fb flirting with other men while supposedly carring my child. My heart is broken now!

[sweet tooth]

I ask myself the same thing. It's been over two months. I'm wondering if/when she'll get back in touch... .and what I'll do when she does... .

Who says she will?  My wife has never gone back.  NEVER.  I could kid myself and say, well, this is different, we're married, but the reality is she's a stunningly beautiful woman who has never had any trouble finding good-looking, successful men to date and never will; she won't come back because frankly she won't have to, and them's just the breaks.    

What really, really sucks, though, is that, occasionally throughout our marriage, when she was in a low place, she would say something like "I really did so and so wrong with the way things ended."  Now, she's not actually feeling shame or remorse in the way you and I would feel it, but rather recognizing she SHOULD feel shame or remorse and groping desperately for what that feels like when someone else is involved.  

I'm sure she'll have similar moments of clarity involving me down the road.  Or our children.  What will she do?  Not a thing if history is any guide.

I guess what stumps me on so many of these threads is this: why do so many people want them to come back?  In my situation, I really only have one reason: she is my wife, we are a family, and it is incumbent on me to save our family for our children's sake and for her sake if I can.  But that's it.  Other than her looks, my wife has literally nothing going for herself, and if we were dating or engaged or fooling around or whatever, it would have been "have a nice life" the day she left.  Moreover, if I met her today, I would have absolutely no interest in her whatsoever.  I would run the hell away.  

For example, I ran into her spiritual sister sitting at a bar a few weeks ago (early evening, not that kind of deal):  model (no, for real model, not model-looking), very forward with sexual innuendo, and frankly out of her mind.  And, before meeting my wife, I would have been flattered by this gorgeous woman's aggressiveness and the thought of spending all night getting crazy in bed.  Now?  I've already lived that life TYVM, and within fifteen minutes of making her acquaintance I excused myself and went elsewhere.  My brain was screaming at me "RUN YOU IDIOT."  And I did.  She was pissed.  That doesn't happen to her a lot, if at all, and I could see that she realized I had realized something was way off.

So, I ask again, what is it?  Is it the beauty?  Is it the sex?  Because, in being on these boards, I don't see - at least for us men - a whole lot else that's going on.  My wife lovebombed me with everything she had, but that fizzled relatively quickly looking back on our relationship.  She held me in check with lots and lots of sex with a gorgeous woman.  And, that was about it.  And even that faded.  Lots of women love sports.  Lots of women are hilarious.  Lots of women are smart.  Lots of women like the music you like.  And on and on and on.  

Armchair quarterbacking, just kinda feel like it boils down to a feeling that we're never going to do better looks or sex wise, which means in a very literal sense that we have peaked right here right now.  And that could and would be terrifying.

In 11 months with mine, I never did more than hold her hand and kiss her on the cheek. I genuinely loved her for who she was and how she made me feel. When she wasn't dysregulating she was a wonderful person to be around. She's smart, funny, kind, spontaneous, adventurous, and caring. She made me laugh like nobody else could. I could/would have gone years without having sex with her. I legitimately enjoyed her company. I miss her dearly, despite the emotional instability and disappearing acts.

I agree with sweet tooth.i loved my ex for who she was. I accepted her with her disorder. My exBPD/npd was a wonderful woman until she got pregnant now I don't know who she is... I haven't seen her or talked to her and she 33 weeks along. She's all ove fb flirting with other men while supposedly carring my child. My heart is broken now!

Dude... .that is absolutely horrible. I feel for you. I'm having a hard time coping in my situation. I would be over the edge if my person was pregnant with my kid and discarded me.

I wish I had advice for you. All I can do is offer you somebody to talk about it with. My heart is broken, too. As you said, I accepted her for who she was and I told her that. It still wasn't enough.