She's found people who will recycle

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I used to think my BPD friend/former lover never recycled, but she has started to recently.  And this makes me think that I wasn't imagining things a few months ago, when I sensed that she was trying to recycle with me.  She's gone through many, many relationships since last August.  When the one ended in early March, I got the "I miss you.  I want to see you" messages.  I responded in kind because I DO miss her and would like to see her, but only as friends.  At 10:00 one night, while I was asleep, she texted me and asked if she could come over to my house the next night for dinner.  I didn't get the message until I woke up in the morning, but I had a meeting that night to go over my taxes, so I told her she couldn't come over.  I was also hesitant anyway because it was the middle of the week and I have to get up at 4:30 in the morning to go to work.  I'm usually in bed by 8.  She told me later that day that it was okay because she was still depressed but that she still wanted to see me.  By the end of that week, she had a new boyfriend, and she hasn't said anything to me since about hanging out or missing me.  I've been busy with work (I'm a teacher, and the last few weeks of the school year are very hectic, to say the least) and going to soccer games, and I'm also tired of her always wanting to make plans at the last second.

But back to the recycles.  The guy from February, who left her so depressed when he stopped replying to her calls and texts, was then replaced by a guy who is a recovering heroin addict.  She had to go to another state for her grandmother's funeral and then spent a few days there with her mom, whom she only sees a few times a year.  Well, by the time the plane landed, she was sending me pictures of herself in a bikini and then moved on to posting pictures to her Snapchat story of her lying on the beach, with her boobs practically hanging out.  By the last night she was there, she was stealing the keys to the car her mom rented and getting chest piercings at 11:00 at night.  She came back at 2 AM, and she and her mom had a big argument.  She came back on a Thursday night, and it was clear that the boyfriend was on his way out because she removed an Instagram picture of her kissing his forehead.  The following Tuesday, he finally changed his status to "In a relationship" with her, but by the next day, it had been removed.  By that weekend, she was spending the night with the who had stopped talking to her at the end of February.  She also spend last weekend with him.  By Thursday evening, the other guy (and his mom) were longer friends with her on FB, the picture of her kissing the other guy's forehead was back on Instagram, and she was tagging him in posts and writing on his timeline. 

So, I guess she does recycle, but hasn't found anyone who is willing to, until now.  Even though I've expressed no interest in recycling, that doesn't mean she won't try.  And that brings me to my main problem, which I've expressed many other times.  I don't think she can ever see me as just a friend.  I want to hang out with her as a friend, but she only ever wants to see me in between breakups, when she's looking for a replacement.  I suppose that's why I'm still on this board.  I don't really have an issue with being in contact with her.  She replies to my texts, usually right away, and things have been stable for five months because I know her triggers and know what to say and what not to say to her.  But I'm also not really that committed to having a real friendship with her because making plans with her is incredibly difficult, and I've got too many other things going on with my life to spend time trying to make plans with her. 

[SummerStorm]

I used to think my BPD friend/former lover never recycled, but she has started to recently.  And this makes me think that I wasn't imagining things a few months ago, when I sensed that she was trying to recycle with me.  She's gone through many, many relationships since last August.  When the one ended in early March, I got the "I miss you.  I want to see you" messages.  I responded in kind because I DO miss her and would like to see her, but only as friends.  At 10:00 one night, while I was asleep, she texted me and asked if she could come over to my house the next night for dinner.  I didn't get the message until I woke up in the morning, but I had a meeting that night to go over my taxes, so I told her she couldn't come over.  I was also hesitant anyway because it was the middle of the week and I have to get up at 4:30 in the morning to go to work.  I'm usually in bed by 8.  She told me later that day that it was okay because she was still depressed but that she still wanted to see me.  By the end of that week, she had a new boyfriend, and she hasn't said anything to me since about hanging out or missing me.  I've been busy with work (I'm a teacher, and the last few weeks of the school year are very hectic, to say the least) and going to soccer games, and I'm also tired of her always wanting to make plans at the last second.

But back to the recycles.  The guy from February, who left her so depressed when he stopped replying to her calls and texts, was then replaced by a guy who is a recovering heroin addict.  She had to go to another state for her grandmother's funeral and then spent a few days there with her mom, whom she only sees a few times a year.  Well, by the time the plane landed, she was sending me pictures of herself in a bikini and then moved on to posting pictures to her Snapchat story of her lying on the beach, with her boobs practically hanging out.  By the last night she was there, she was stealing the keys to the car her mom rented and getting chest piercings at 11:00 at night.  She came back at 2 AM, and she and her mom had a big argument.  She came back on a Thursday night, and it was clear that the boyfriend was on his way out because she removed an Instagram picture of her kissing his forehead.  The following Tuesday, he finally changed his status to "In a relationship" with her, but by the next day, it had been removed.  By that weekend, she was spending the night with the who had stopped talking to her at the end of February.  She also spend last weekend with him.  By Thursday evening, the other guy (and his mom) were longer friends with her on FB, the picture of her kissing the other guy's forehead was back on Instagram, and she was tagging him in posts and writing on his timeline. 

So, I guess she does recycle, but hasn't found anyone who is willing to, until now.  Even though I've expressed no interest in recycling, that doesn't mean she won't try.  And that brings me to my main problem, which I've expressed many other times.  I don't think she can ever see me as just a friend.  I want to hang out with her as a friend, but she only ever wants to see me in between breakups, when she's looking for a replacement.  I suppose that's why I'm still on this board.  I don't really have an issue with being in contact with her.  She replies to my texts, usually right away, and things have been stable for five months because I know her triggers and know what to say and what not to say to her.  But I'm also not really that committed to having a real friendship with her because making plans with her is incredibly difficult, and I've got too many other things going on with my life to spend time trying to make plans with her. 

[sweet tooth]

My ex-BPD kept telling me she didn't want to be in a relationship and she wanted to just be friends... .that didn't stop her from inviting me to romantic places... .And then cutting and running when we got emotionally intimate. She also told me she hated losing friends, but she callously cut me off. Make sense? No. Will she try to recycle? I've been struggling with that question, and what I'll do when/if she does. It sucks.

And, you're right about the friends thing. Ever hear the song "I Would Die For You" by Prince?


"I'm not your lover

I'm not your friend

I am something that you'll never comprehend"


I think that sums up my situation perfectly, and probably yours too. I was more than a friend, but not quite a lover... .and I don't comprehend it... .

[Aussie0zborn]

I had to stop reading your post when your mentioned she hooked up with a recovering heroin addict.

You're a teacher, right?  Are you on the same level as a heroin addict? Thats where YOU have allowed her to put you.

Hold your head high, lift your standards, evaluate your real worth and move on. Get off the roller coaster and get yourself happy. Your history of 766 posts is, in my opinion, way too many posts to be asking questions like this. Good luck.

[sweet tooth]

I had to stop reading your post when your mentioned she hooked up with a recovering heroin addict.

You're a teacher, right?  Are you on the same level as a heroin addict? Thats where YOU have allowed her to put you.

Hold your head high, lift your standards, evaluate your real worth and move on. Get off the roller coaster and get yourself happy. Your history of 766 posts is, in my opinion, way too many posts to be asking questions like this. Good luck.

The number of posts include replies.

[SamwizeGamgee]

My one word answer to your post title is "Good."

Let her recycle - and leave you out of the madness. 

If you don't play with fire, you won't get burned.

[Hadlee]

I had to stop reading your post when your mentioned she hooked up with a recovering heroin addict.

You're a teacher, right?  Are you on the same level as a heroin addict? Thats where YOU have allowed her to put you.

Hold your head high, lift your standards, evaluate your real worth and move on. Get off the roller coaster and get yourself happy. Your history of 766 posts is, in my opinion, way too many posts to be asking questions like this. Good luck.

I wholeheartedly agree with this

Summer - this has been going on for SO LONG now with no change.  Why on earth are you still holding on?  She has absolutely no respect for you, and never will have.  I'm sorry, but she really does not care.

Do yourself a massive favor and move on.  Cut the chord to the chaos