My ex-partner committed suicide - left to pick up pieces

[Hopeless in VA]

I will make this brief as I'm sure the details are similar to what has happened to others on this board. I met a wonderful guy almost two years ago and we quickly fell in love. A couple of months into the relationship he received a DUI and admitted to having a drinking problem. Our relationship had up to that point been solid, healthy and "perfect". Over the course of the next few months we stuck together but he was slowly unraveling becoming severely depressed and pushing everyone in his life away. About a year ago, we had a serious and long conversation where he discussed at length wanting to reconcile and think about future plans to get married. Within days after that he no longer wanted to speak to me and wanted me out of his life even though we had not even had an argument or anything. He continued to oscillate in and out of my life until last September when he admitted to having just gotten involved with a really rough looking woman who is the opposite of him (he was a very handsome attorney with friends in all the right places and from a good family) and she wears tons of make up, dirty clothes, she's crass and just generally creepy. He and I had similar lives and backgrounds (professional etc). She looks like she's done a lot of meth and she's a substance abuse counselor. Right before he admitted to her existence in his life, he lost his job and home, this was early September. At the beginning of November he'd moved in with her because he thought he had no place else to go (myself and the rest of his family wanted him to go to rehab so he did not want to come to us). Then at the end of November, he killed himself using a shotgun in the bedroom of her apartment. This vile woman found him. She had been telling his mother (the only person they mutually knew) that he had been getting better even though his ex-wife saw him in October and said he was going very downhill. Myself and several family members, including ex-wife and his dad, came together and were able to figure out he was very likely BPD. The diagnosis fits like a glove. His dad is a retired therapist and his mother is a substance abuse counselor.

I am here because the pain is overwhelming from all of this. Not just for me but for his family and ex-wife as well. The vile woman made them go through legal channels to get his things and still wouldn't return everything. We are all just trying to put the pieces together and now that he is no longer with us, that process is even more difficult. Add on the grief and stress of the fact of the suicide (and for me the intense betrayal before the suicide) and I am left in a deep dark hole of despair. I loved him so dearly and he meant the world to me. And now I am here in this struggle and wondering how to move forward with my life. Any tips or words of encouragement from someone who has been through this with a resulting suicide would be immensely appreciated.

Thank you.

[C.Stein]

Hello ,

I am so sorry for your loss and your pain.  Even if he wasn't in your life anymore he was an important part of your life at one point.

While many of us can't relate to this type of loss we can related to the pain of betrayal and loss of a loved one.  You will find support and understanding here ... .you are not alone.  

We all struggle moving forward from our relationships.  It can be and usually is a very traumatic and devastating experience, leaving a person deeply wounded, feeling lost and without hope.  I myself have struggled with my loss for nearly 10 months, stuck in a hole so deep I wonder if I ever will find a way out of it completely.  But I have hope and I know with time everything will eventually balance out, the pain will fade and I will find a way back to being and feeling balanced and stable.  We have an opportunity to learn a lot about ourselves after being in a relationship like this.  As hard as it is sometimes to face ourselves we shouldn't be afraid too.   I try to find something positive to take away from this, insight into myself so I can learn and grow ... .to be a more balanced person.

You can get through this.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't quite see it right now.  

[VeraTrue]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you'll get therapy if you haven't already, and seek out support groups focusing on suicide survivors. You've been through a trauma and you do not have to heal alone. I send you peace and hope. I know it seems impossible but you will get through this.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Hopeless in VA,

I'd like to add my welcome and say that I am very sorry for your loss. Although I haven't experienced the suicide of a loved one, I can very much relate to the grieving process and your feelings of being in a black hole of despair. After my breakup with pwBPD, I became depressed and felt that there was no reason for me to keep on living.

As C. Stein and Vera True have said, things really do get better. Really.   

Are you seeing a therapist? That helped me so much when I was feeling in that dark place. It takes time, but you will get through this and thrive again. Keep writing and let us support you through this.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your partner's family. 

heartandwhole