Boundaries Advice

[SoulSister68]

Back in February I decide to get serious about setting boundaries with my uBPD mom. She had been sending me "nasty grams" via email and text for a few weeks. My response was to tell her that I would no longer tolerate her hateful emails to me and hurtful comments about my husband and his family (which has included a smear campaign on FB). I then told her if she couldn't respect that request then I no longer wished to have contact with her until she was in therapy and getting help from a counselor. Her follow up to that was more nastiness and so I followed through. We haven't spoken since then but I responded to a few emails but only short statements to remind her of where I stood. Up until this point it's been a ridiculous cycle- mom blows up, apologizes, blows up, apologizes, etc. I want to get off of this hamster wheel! Mind you her apologies are the kind in which she blames me or something else for her behavior- I made her angry, her depression, sin, lack of medicine, too much medicine, etc. In the past when I accepted her apology she would then follow up with requests to pick up her medicine, buy her orange juice, etc. Then without warning we were right back where we started.

My question is- is it a realistic boundary to tell her that I will not be in contact with her until she gets help/counseling? She is not likely to ever do that and it is her choice. How do I set a boundary while still respecting her right to get help or not?

Without her getting professional help I really don't see out relationship improving. Below is her most recent email and I'm having difficulty deciding how to respond (or whether a response is even necessary).

BTW- J. is my MIL who has done absolutely nothing to my mother. My husband is R. and she is referring to marital problems we had over 10 years ago.

Thoughts?

"I did say the words I regret saying to you but in anger towards what was happening, no excuses on my part, I know it was wrong to say and didn't really mean it. Why do we do the things we do is because of our sin in our lives, which I am also guilty of. I choose to also forgive you for not seeing me and anything else you feel towards me. I am choosing not to let it rule me or destroy my good feelings for you, I choose to forgive and live my life in peace. I was hurt also by the things J. did but realize she's done good things for me too, which i can no longer do for myself , Xmas dinners and such. I also forgive R. for what he did to you that hurt you but choose to let it all go. You don't have to do anything for me, it's all taken care of, medicine and all so you do not have to feel obligated to do.

Hope you are doing good, just wanted you to know that. Take care and love you as always. Tell T. I love him too. Life is hard and not free of hardships.

Love

Mom"

[ArleighBurke]

Your boundaries are for YOU. Not to change HER.

So your boundary can completely dicsuss that if she is RUDE <trigger>, then you will not communicate <YOUR response>. This isn't necessarily trying to change her - she is quite welcome to bahave as she wants to - but if she does, this is YOUR response. Of course, you'd LIKE her to change, but be aware that she may not. So make sure that you truely can live with your response if she doesn't change.

I don't think you can say she needs to be in therepy - that is you trying to change her.

Also, if she is apologising by blaming you - you can choose to accept that or not. Personally I would ignore that. She is communicating respectfully - even if you don't like what she says - so keep communicating.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY SOULSISTER68:

The decision has to be yours.  I probably wouldn't answer the email.  It doesn't appear to need an answer, unless you want to carry on a debate.  If she doesn't want to change, or talk about the real issues, then you need to do whatever you need to do to preserve your own sanity.

If your boundary was to not answer emails, then answering emails is NOT enforcing your boundary.  If your boundary is to not get text messages, then you need to block the texts.  If Facebook is a problem, then you need to block her from Facebook.

When you reply to an email to tell her you previously told her not to email you, then you are NOT enforcing your boundary.  When you send her any type of reply, it shows that you aren't serious. If you  don't want to see her emails, you can always set up a special folder for all her emails to go to directly.  That way, you won't have to be annoyed when you look at your main mailbox.  You would have to open up the specific folder to find her mail and it might be easier to ignore. (If that is your desire).

[HappyChappy]

Hi SoleSister68

I understand your frustration and calls for Therapy, that’s quiet natural. I had similar thoughts at one point. Excepting that our mom’s never will be as a mom should be, and are unlikely to change, is a hard pill to swallow. I had to grieve the loss of my mom before getting over that hurdle.

But I would echo the advice from the previous two posters, the point about setting boundaries for you, and not expecting the BPD to change bears repeating. There are also techniques you can use to get the best out of a BPD, techniques such as S.E.T.  Best of luck.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, SoulSister68.

I can completely relate to where you are coming from. I'm glad you're here and asking questions, and I hope we can be of help.

I agree with ArleighBurke 100%.

My question is- is it a realistic boundary to tell her that I will not be in contact with her until she gets help/counseling?

That is not a boundary. It is an ultimatum. You are not taking care of your own values with a statement like that; you are attempting to control her behavior.

You might find this workshop helpful in learning the difference (I did): Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order. "I allow respectful communication," or "I will end the conversation when someone calls me names," would be examples of boundaries. They are about you--the only person you can change--and they do not have to be explicitly shared with other parties in order for them to be in place.

Now, all that said, I did issue an ultimatum that I thought was a boundary when I ended contact. I knew that the kinds of changes I would need to see in my mother's behavior in order for me to consider trying again could only be achieved if she was working hard in therapy. So I said if she ever sought help, she could have the therapist contact me. I never promised I would resume contact once she found someone, but that's what she heard. That's also what the therapist heard when my mother talked to her. And that's how I ended up really mad at a therapist.  Needless to say, once she saw I was still not talking with her, she quit going. If I had it to do over again, I'd probably just say, "I know this will be difficult to process and I hope you find the professional support you need." In order for therapy to be effective, the person has to want to be there and be motivated to do some difficult work. When it feels like you're only there because you're being controlled by someone else, those conditions aren't met.

In the meantime, the S.E.T. technique that HappyChappy mentioned is an excellent way to communicate boundaries. There is more details on that here: TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Wishing you peace,

PF