Don't Ckeck Their Social Media

[Turkish]

Despite me giving this adviçe, I did it tonight.

I blocked my Ex on FB when she was still living with me. 1.5 years later I deactivated the account for reasons unrelated to her. She sent me  a friend request last week on new account (in the kids' names). I ignored. She hasn't mentioned it.

Her husband's name came up, so I checked his profile. Other than his usual oddness, a pic of them. "I love you very much," and her, "I love you so much, too." The usual validating comments by others.

A little over a month ago, she called me sobbing, saying she wished she'd never left me. They're having money troublyes, I know. She's like my mom: all this talk about houses and cars, but no walk. My poor kids who tell me. I grew up with a BPD mom who talked the talk, but failed the walk, miserably.

Yeah, it triggerd me seeing the lie. Aside from him, she's desperately hanging onto the fantasy. It seems so unfair that others validate what they see, being ignorant of what they don't see or know.

2.5 years out and I'm still worried about this. Stayoff the FB, it will only cause you pain.

[Ahoy]

Despite me giving this adviçe, I did it tonight.

I blocked my Ex on FB when she was still living with me. 1.5 years later I deactivated the account for reasons unrelated to her. She sent me  a friend request last week on new account (in the kids' names). I ignored. She hasn't mentioned it.

Her husband's name came up, so I checked his profile. Other than his usual oddness, a pic of them. "I love you very much," and her, "I love you so much, too." The usual validating comments by others.

A little over a month ago, she called me sobbing, saying she wished she'd never left me. They're having money troublyes, I know. She's like my mom: all this talk about houses and cars, but no walk. My poor kids who tell me. I grew up with a BPD mom who talked the talk, but failed the walk, miserably.

Yeah, it triggerd me seeing the lie. Aside from him, she's desperately hanging onto the fantasy. It seems so unfair that others validate what they see, being ignorant of what they don't see or know.

2.5 years out and I'm still worried about this. Stayoff the FB, it will only cause you pain.

Yep I did the FB stalk once, saw a pic of her and my replacement smiling, loving life, what hurt most was all the 'likes' from mutual friends ect that KNOW she is only a few weeks removed from a marriage, a MARRIAGE and happily dating another.

Nope. Never again. I think I posted about it, I have zero social media for this reason.

Rationally we know how fake this all is. Even if they are genuinely happy, it's only a matter of time until the disorder takes over, yet seeing what I saw was such a gut punch and was so triggering, It took days to recover, logic goes out the window when confronted with these visual images. Even just typing this, thinking about when I did this two months ago is causing my stomach to clench.

I don't know why visual images cause us so much distress and I truly don't envy those that have to interact with their ex's and see them with their replacements.

[myself]

it will only cause you pain.

You mentioned many facts... .

What feelings did this bring up?

Anything you want to work through here?

[Phoenix41]

Turkish,

I think it is normal to fall back into old patterns of behavior at times. For nothing if only that they feel familiar, like putting on a well worn pair of shoes. To go along with the post from myself- I have a question about feelings, but a different one. What internal feeling was it that nudged you to look at the husbands profile? Why punish yourself? Were you feeling sad lonely or bored? Some other emotion?

Oh Facebook. It allows a platform to serve up a picture of a life. Looks good. But a life that LOOKS good doesn't necessarily FEEL good. We've been there, a lot of us. Don't be fooled. I don't think you are... .but wanted to say that I hurt for you when I read your post.

There needs to be an urban dictionary word coined for the horrible feelings that result from the Facebook stalk.

As a newbie, I feel in no position to give advice. But I can say I care. And that at least most emotional states are ephemeral. Including the Facebook pit of despair.

[Hopeful83]

  Turkish,

It's awful, isn't it? Even though logically we know that it's just a facade, it's still a big kick in the gut when we're faced with these kind of images. And I can totally identify with what you say about other people validating them - that's what enrages me the most. In my case, all of his Facebook friends are highly aware of the fact he was very publicly with someone else for three years - did they not question why I was eradicated and replaced within weeks? And why he was engaged within weeks? Do people never question these things before liking these photos on Facebook? I know I would definitely question this, but ultimately it doesn't matter what these people think because we know the truth.

I read somewhere that the sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on social media. I'm starting to think this is true.

Hang in there. And you're right - nothing good ever comes of social media stalking them.

[DazedD23]

I've been blocking/unblocking/blocking/unblocking and now I'm stuck for another 48 hours until I can block her again! What am I doing? I'm working out that no one other than myself is sending my mind in to a negative pattern, yes she's subtly pulling some strings like putting up a profile pic of her and her old wing girl who she knows I can't stand. Sounds egotistical of me but the moment I saw it I knew she'd posted it to get at me.

My take on it, they will post things deliberately to have a go. It's silent charming. You can go no contact but they know the temptation is there and know you will look because they know you they know your hurting they know you love and miss them and they know you will look.

[Herodias]

Its all about attention for them... .I don't think it is aimed at us at all. They need the validation that what they are now doing is the right thing. Facebook feeds this. People who don't know you very well saying "you are the best couple" to a couple of people who cheated on their spouses and one is still married is NOT a best couple in my book. We need to remember that we had all of those same pictures and love comments when we were in it. I remember him posting old pictures of us as he said "when we were happy". Iv'e seen  pictures of the gf a few times when she was looking at him like he was a lunatic- I see old pictures of him and I and I remember thinking those same thoughts. I remember what I was thinking!  I know that Facebook happiness doesn't equal real happiness. Unfortunately I think the pwPD don't understand this. I asked my ex how his sister was, he said "she is so happy"... .I said, "oh, you talked to her?" He said "no, I see her on Facebook"... .this says it all to me. Facebook is the correct term. Several of our trips together I can totally remember what was happening... .In Chicago with my family I was crying... .In Disney he was scaring the heck out of me, being really mean, trying to ruin my time, plus I had just found out about his getting blow jobs in the parking lot at work! It goes on... .those are my "happy" pictures of my vacations with him! Remember the mental state you were both in in your own photos and what was going on behind the scenes. It's almost like a movie take... .then off screen it's another story. They are not happy! They are getting attention-that's it!

[insideoutside]

I've been blocking/unblocking/blocking/unblocking and now I'm stuck for another 48 hours until I can block her again! What am I doing? I'm working out that no one other than myself is sending my mind in to a negative pattern, yes she's subtly pulling some strings like putting up a profile pic of her and her old wing girl who she knows I can't stand. Sounds egotistical of me but the moment I saw it I knew she'd posted it to get at me.

My take on it, they will post things deliberately to have a go. It's silent charming. You can go no contact but they know the temptation is there and know you will look because they know you they know your hurting they know you love and miss them and they know you will look.

Me too; blocking and unblocking my friend on Facebook hoping to get some sort of reaction but to no affect.  He hasn't blocked me yet now I'm driving myself mad trying to work out why he's back on there and why hasn't he blocked me.

[Hopeful83]

People who don't know you very well saying "you are the best couple" to a couple of people who cheated on their spouses and one is still married is NOT a best couple in my book.

Amen. That certainly is NOT my idea of a healthy relationship.

[C.Stein]

You can go no contact but they know the temptation is there and know you will look because they know you they know your hurting they know you love and miss them and they know you will look.

This is exactly the reason why I don't look for anything on my ex (see bold).  I don't want more pain in my life.  Even when/if I reach a place of indifference seeing this kind of stuff will probably still hurt.  Simply put, I don't want to know anything about her life now because it will hurt. 

[cherryblossom]

The best thing I have done for myself since we split is block him from facebook and i will never unblock it - thanks for the reminder - I just wont do that to myself. He is capable of causing me so much pain - I literally dont know what he will do next to hurt me-he has already stooped so low, he will probably impregnate the replacement and there's no way on earth id ever want to see that.

[Herodias]

The best thing I have done for myself since we split is block him from facebook and i will never unblock it - thanks for the reminder - I just wont do that to myself. He is capable of causing me so much pain - I literally dont know what he will do next to hurt me-he has already stooped so low, he will probably impregnate the replacement and there's no way on earth id ever want to see that.

Good for you Cherryblossom, because if you predict it, it will probably happen. I know I predicted mine would do that to his Mother before it happened. I still have the e-mail telling her so in July... .sure enough-the gf got pregnant in August. I think I am numb to all the pain he has caused me at this point. There was just way too much... .

[Turkish]

it will only cause you pain.

You mentioned many facts... .

What feelings did this bring up?

Anything you want to work through here?

I think you got me. I'm emotionally detached from my observations, in a way. There may be a better way of putting that (too analytical, as my T said a long time ago?).

This sounds self-righteous, perhaps, but I'm borderline angry that others don't see it. Maybe it's similar to what my ex once said when I asked her what was going through her head when she raged: "I just want everyone else to feel my pain!" I want justice, yet logically, it's better that their r/s work, as it were, for my kids, and for me (he remains the drama target). I'm still, being analytical   I checked his profile (he is in my phone contacts, though only by first name, r maybe it came up because she sent me a friend request, which I've ignored, and will continue to do so). He's 18 (or 20?) years younger than I am. Despite being step-dad, he's not a peer, It's weird.

What do I want to work through? I'm not sure. We had a T appointment today due to S6. D4's molestation a year ago may be rearing its head again, like we moved on and buried it. She seems ok (their mom is not, reliving the trauma... .her own trauma), so we've had a lot of contact. A year ago I would have been worse with this, but now it's more just frustrating. I still, fantasize abut selling the house and moving out of state in 15 years,with no for wading address except GPS coordinates provided to the kids.

Maybe this all boils down to a control issue on my side?

[Confused108]

Facebook is a Facade. Everyone  and I mean everyone looks happy on Facebook. When my ex BPD 1st sent me a Freinds Request Feb 2013 she looked "so Together"! Like she had everything! She looked like a happy professional woman ! Had tons of pics up with her friends! Always smiling! Looking like she was happy! Well little did I know ... .It was all Fake! A Facade! Behind the closed doors ... .Off social media my ex would rage! She would cry herself silly in her bathtub so her neighbors would not hear her crying! She was constantly on FB. She told me she was scared and lonley! And well the list goes on. I was in Shock! I could not believe what I was seeing! So yes Facebook is all fake! Like a scene from a movie! You see what they want you to see. And of course nothing will be bad! Only happy good times! Well think again. My ex even went so far as to change her Prifile pic to a younger more sexier version of her self to contact my ex wife. Lol! So my wife at the time would think that my ex stil looked like that!  The only thing that gave the pic away that it was old was that my ex BPD had gotten her hair cut a few weeks prior and this new pic her hair was long. Not enough to time for her hair to grow back that fast. So you see what they do. I hear Hollywood calling their names!

[Icanteven]

It seems so unfair that others validate what they see, being ignorant of what they don't see or know.

Just by way of solidarity:

My wife hid her mental illnesses from everyone in her family and all of her closest friends her entire life.  While she was in therapy, I was finally getting her to acknowledge her illnesses to her family and very closest friends in the hope that they could be supportive.  Frankly, after years of keeping her secrets and struggling with her by myself, I was beyond burned out.  For worse, though, literally the moment her family became aware that she has so many issues, she began her plot to walk out of my life and did so soon thereafter.

Via mutual friends who she's remained in contact with on social media, her friends are solidly team-wifey, and I can understand why to a point given that many of her close friends were bridesmaids in our wedding, but it's bizarre to me that it's out now that she has these illnesses and I'm a persona non grata to so many of herl friends.  But then I'm reminded of the following:

Her best friend travels a lot for work, and she maintained a tinder account for over a year, sleeping with numerous men in numerous cities; she is almost certainly undiagnosed something (she's a big time cutter, among other issues), and she remains with her husband because "he just loves her so much."

Her married, second best friend came stag to our wedding and tried to sleep with my best man and has made overtures to other friends throughout our marriage

Her third best friend dumped her husband for an old paramour a few months after her wedding and never looked back.

I didn't know all these things about her tightest circle of besties, but I wouldn't associate with any of those women given their histories, yet I did because I didn't know.  And they're the ones whooping it up on Instragram in pictures of my wife hanging out with the man she cheated on me with years and years ago.

There's a ton of bad behavior in my wife's closest friends' relationships, yet everyone overlooks all of that and stands together in solidarity.  So, when I hear about all these likes of a still-married woman hanging on an old flame, I just remember that, 1) she's mentally ill, and 2) the people enabling her aren't exactly high-character individuals.

Not sure if that helps, but that's how I approach it.

[DazedD23]

I just remember that, 1) she's mentally ill, and 2) the people enabling her aren't exactly high-character individuals.

Not sure if that helps, but that's how I approach it.[/quote]
I love that way of remembering and I must adopt that myself.

I feel less than at the moment and I know full well her friends never really liked me but that was due to my ex playing me and her friends off against each other. After the first split she had said she used me as a scapegoat for the relationship ending as she couldn't take responsibility and tell them that she is mentally unwell. She'll tell them that she was depressed and anxious and then blame me for it. I know that's what she is saying to them again this time and running me down whenever she gets the chance. I guess it's so they can buy in to their own bs and then start buying in to it as a way of accepting they have also played a massive part in things.

Her friends are so happy to have her back in the fold but not one of them has a clue that she is playing them for her own use just the way she plays everyone in her life. More fool them really and of I'm honest I don't care what they think of me. Maybe one day they will find out what she is really like.

[bAlex]

Facebook is a Facade. Everyone  and I mean everyone looks happy on Facebook. When my ex BPD 1st sent me a Freinds Request Feb 2013 she looked "so Together"! Like she had everything! She looked like a happy professional woman ! Had tons of pics up with her friends! Always smiling! Looking like she was happy! Well little did I know ... .It was all Fake! A Facade! Behind the closed doors ... .Off social media my ex would rage! She would cry herself silly in her bathtub so her neighbors would not hear her crying! She was constantly on FB. She told me she was scared and lonley! And well the list goes on. I was in Shock! I could not believe what I was seeing! So yes Facebook is all fake! Like a scene from a movie! You see what they want you to see. And of course nothing will be bad! Only happy good times! Well think again. My ex even went so far as to change her Prifile pic to a younger more sexier version of her self to contact my ex wife. Lol! So my wife at the time would think that my ex stil looked like that!  The only thing that gave the pic away that it was old was that my ex BPD had gotten her hair cut a few weeks prior and this new pic her hair was long. Not enough to time for her hair to grow back that fast. So you see what they do. I hear Hollywood calling their names!

I agree. No one posts pics of bad times on FB, so it always looks good to the observer. I believe ppl really are happy in some (or most) of those pics too, at the time at least. Still it seems no one can ever get away from this nightmare... everyone needs to mind their step not to see this or be triggered by that... why can't this just go away? The OP is mentioning 1.5 years since, for myself it's been over 3. Is there no way out of this hell hole? seriously they are out ENJOYING LIFE and we're stuck here. It's not fair!

[once removed]

i dunno. i have known several people and seen even more that post on facebook about their endless woes and sadness and depression and problems, and breakups and... .

sometimes we can see anything, and project our own interpretation.

[bAlex]

True also, but a lot of times it's done to seek support. Pics on the other hand, especially ones with the significant other usually serves as a token of good memories.