Confused

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been in a long distance relationship for 18 years now. We share great chemistry and conversation when we are together, but that can often be after many months.  I find that on chat or over the phone, either I am too sensitive, or he is just rather mean at times.  I would keep questioning myself... .and frankly based on the traits described... .he sounds like a BPD... .as his life is one big saga about how people have betrayed him, and how no one listens to him.

His biggest grouse with me is that I lack empathy and do not constantly enquire about various issues going on in his life.  I never knew what he was talking about, till I started researching further and discovering... .at least based on descriptions, that I am narcissist, or have some narcissist traits and therefore my ability to empathise... .is not there.  I have worked on it for the last few years consciously... .and managed to be a better listener and more empathetic with friends... .but for some odd reason not with him.  I was always looking for the right thing to say... .and ended up saying nothing.

Anyway, while he has NEVER said much to outright criticise me... .he either implies it in a mean way, or just goes silent.  He once put me through silent treatment for 5 months... .throughout which i was messaging him every few weeks.  A few days ago I got very angry and told him that it is unacceptable for him to disrespect me and be emotionally exhausting me all the time... .he wrote back to apologise, and go on about how his heart is aching coz people have let him down and no one has the time to listen to him... .anyways I wrote back to say, no one can have a relationship if there is always so much fear. Fear of silence, fear of anger and so on.  He wrote back and said I am generating negativity and my mail seems like a work of fiction.  We should keep a distance and talk to each other if and when we have the inclination!  I dont know if I am wrong... .or what the hell just happened here. There is a part of me that wants to walk away... .and there is another part that desperately wants him back.  I do not know what to do.  Help.   

[Maria53]

I have been in a long distance relationship for 18 years now. We share great chemistry and conversation when we are together, but that can often be after many months.  I find that on chat or over the phone, either I am too sensitive, or he is just rather mean at times.  I would keep questioning myself... .and frankly based on the traits described... .he sounds like a BPD... .as his life is one big saga about how people have betrayed him, and how no one listens to him.

His biggest grouse with me is that I lack empathy and do not constantly enquire about various issues going on in his life.  I never knew what he was talking about, till I started researching further and discovering... .at least based on descriptions, that I am narcissist, or have some narcissist traits and therefore my ability to empathise... .is not there.  I have worked on it for the last few years consciously... .and managed to be a better listener and more empathetic with friends... .but for some odd reason not with him.  I was always looking for the right thing to say... .and ended up saying nothing.

Anyway, while he has NEVER said much to outright criticise me... .he either implies it in a mean way, or just goes silent.  He once put me through silent treatment for 5 months... .throughout which i was messaging him every few weeks.  A few days ago I got very angry and told him that it is unacceptable for him to disrespect me and be emotionally exhausting me all the time... .he wrote back to apologise, and go on about how his heart is aching coz people have let him down and no one has the time to listen to him... .anyways I wrote back to say, no one can have a relationship if there is always so much fear. Fear of silence, fear of anger and so on.  He wrote back and said I am generating negativity and my mail seems like a work of fiction.  We should keep a distance and talk to each other if and when we have the inclination!  I dont know if I am wrong... .or what the hell just happened here. There is a part of me that wants to walk away... .and there is another part that desperately wants him back.  I do not know what to do.  Help.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Maria53,

Silent treatment can feel brutal. I'm sorry you had to go through that. How often do the two of you see each other face to face?

BPD people can often be passive-aggressive, and it sounds like you have been experiencing the effects of that for a long time.

On the other hand, you asserted a boundary (asked him to not be disrespectful) and he actually apologized. Maybe you were too hurt at that point for the apology to mean anything? Or does he apologize so often it no longer means anything?