Question on blocking

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all!

My detaching is going pretty well. It's been almost three months no contact and I am feeling much better. But there is one area I am consistently confused and unsure about, and that is if I should block my ex on Facebook.

I realize this probably sounds like a silly issue, but it has been a challenging one for me. After taking a long break from social media, I am back on it. I need to do some social media for my career, and in addition, it is a wonderful way for me to stay connected with friends and hear about events I want to attend. For instance, I hear about most local book readings on Facebook, and I love to attend literary events. 

When ex last broke up with me, I unfriended him but did not block him. As a result, he shows up in my feed when he comments on other people. We have a lot of friends in common. Even seeing his name can be painful, and so I go around with myself if I should block him.

On one hand I like to be able to know what he is doing. I have my own abandonment issues, and hate the idea of someone vanishing from my life. Honestly, it helps me see that is he up to the same old baloney as always. His posts and profile pics are all attention getting drama. He is either being overtly maudlin and self-pitying, or imperious and judgemental. So by not blocking him I have a way to avoid my own abandonment panic, as well get more clarity over the realization he is far too immature for a relationship. It's really helpful that way.

On the other hand, I wonder if not blocking him is a last vestige of me keeping hope. Part of me thinks, if I block him then how will I know if he has reached out? Ridiculous, I know. It's the same sick dynamic of before, where I took any table scrap of contact as an excuse to reengage and recycle. The same peeks I get into his life that reassure me he isn't relationship material also keep his memory and my feelings alive in me. They remind me that he has made zero effort to apologize or behave decently to me or my kids.

Since this is the last and only way of knowing about him, I am wondering if my hesitation to block him and get complete distance is a barrier on my path to healing or not.

How did you handle blocking and social media with your ex?

[HurtinNW]

Hello all!

My detaching is going pretty well. It's been almost three months no contact and I am feeling much better. But there is one area I am consistently confused and unsure about, and that is if I should block my ex on Facebook.

I realize this probably sounds like a silly issue, but it has been a challenging one for me. After taking a long break from social media, I am back on it. I need to do some social media for my career, and in addition, it is a wonderful way for me to stay connected with friends and hear about events I want to attend. For instance, I hear about most local book readings on Facebook, and I love to attend literary events. 

When ex last broke up with me, I unfriended him but did not block him. As a result, he shows up in my feed when he comments on other people. We have a lot of friends in common. Even seeing his name can be painful, and so I go around with myself if I should block him.

On one hand I like to be able to know what he is doing. I have my own abandonment issues, and hate the idea of someone vanishing from my life. Honestly, it helps me see that is he up to the same old baloney as always. His posts and profile pics are all attention getting drama. He is either being overtly maudlin and self-pitying, or imperious and judgemental. So by not blocking him I have a way to avoid my own abandonment panic, as well get more clarity over the realization he is far too immature for a relationship. It's really helpful that way.

On the other hand, I wonder if not blocking him is a last vestige of me keeping hope. Part of me thinks, if I block him then how will I know if he has reached out? Ridiculous, I know. It's the same sick dynamic of before, where I took any table scrap of contact as an excuse to reengage and recycle. The same peeks I get into his life that reassure me he isn't relationship material also keep his memory and my feelings alive in me. They remind me that he has made zero effort to apologize or behave decently to me or my kids.

Since this is the last and only way of knowing about him, I am wondering if my hesitation to block him and get complete distance is a barrier on my path to healing or not.

How did you handle blocking and social media with your ex?

[C.Stein]

I don't do social media ... .problem solved.  If I did I would block.  There is enough pain to go around and it is hard enough to let go without the constant reminders.

What does social media do for you that your own website couldn't?

[Fr4nz]

On one hand I like to be able to know what he is doing. I have my own abandonment issues, and hate the idea of someone vanishing from my life. Honestly, it helps me see that is he up to the same old baloney as always. His posts and profile pics are all attention getting drama. He is either being overtly maudlin and self-pitying, or imperious and judgemental. So by not blocking him I have a way to avoid my own abandonment panic, as well get more clarity over the realization he is far too immature for a relationship. It's really helpful that way.

On the other hand, I wonder if not blocking him is a last vestige of me keeping hope. Part of me thinks, if I block him then how will I know if he has reached out? Ridiculous, I know. It's the same sick dynamic of before, where I took any table scrap of contact as an excuse to reengage and recycle. The same peeks I get into his life that reassure me he isn't relationship material also keep his memory and my feelings alive in me. They remind me that he has made zero effort to apologize or behave decently to me or my kids.

I have exactly the same issues; on the one hand I'm not able to block her due to my own abandonment issues (i.e., BPD traits): it's nice to maintain some sort of connection and, as you nicely said, have a confirmation that she is repeating the same dysfunctional patterns (which IS the case!).

On the other hand, I was treated so badly that, sometimes, I feel the urge to block her, so that I can definitely move on with my life.

In the end I decided to NOT block her; I think that the final goal should be a serene indifference, which means no blocking. However, it may be very well possible that for other people the "block" option may be better; for instance, if it happens that you ruminate a lot about her FB posts/activity (it happened to me as well)... .

[HurtinNW]

I don't do social media ... .problem solved.  If I did I would block.  There is enough pain to go around and it is hard enough to let go without the constant reminders.

What does social media do for you that your own website couldn't?

I have a website, but I often am contacted via social media for events. Just this week I was asked to take part in two different book events via Facebook. It really does make a positive difference for my career. Also, I do enjoy the support aspect of it. I have really good female friends that live out of state, and social media is a good way for us to stay connected.

That said, I can and have taken breaks. You are right about all the constant reminders. Thank you.

[HurtinNW]

On one hand I like to be able to know what he is doing. I have my own abandonment issues, and hate the idea of someone vanishing from my life. Honestly, it helps me see that is he up to the same old baloney as always. His posts and profile pics are all attention getting drama. He is either being overtly maudlin and self-pitying, or imperious and judgemental. So by not blocking him I have a way to avoid my own abandonment panic, as well get more clarity over the realization he is far too immature for a relationship. It's really helpful that way.

On the other hand, I wonder if not blocking him is a last vestige of me keeping hope. Part of me thinks, if I block him then how will I know if he has reached out? Ridiculous, I know. It's the same sick dynamic of before, where I took any table scrap of contact as an excuse to reengage and recycle. The same peeks I get into his life that reassure me he isn't relationship material also keep his memory and my feelings alive in me. They remind me that he has made zero effort to apologize or behave decently to me or my kids.

I have exactly the same issues; on the one hand I'm not able to block her due to my own abandonment issues (i.e., BPD traits): it's nice to maintain some sort of connection and, as you nicely said, have a confirmation that she is repeating the same dysfunctional patterns (which IS the case!).

On the other hand, I was treated so badly that, sometimes, I feel the urge to block her, so that I can definitely move on with my life.

In the end I decided to NOT block her; I think that the final goal should be a serene indifference, which means no blocking. However, it may be very well possible that for other people the "block" option may be better; for instance, if it happens that you ruminate a lot about her FB posts/activity (it happened to me as well)... .

Thank you. I am ruminating a lot less now, and with less intensity. I gave myself permission to ruminate, and that actually helped a lot. When I ruminate I ask myself what it is really about. I find when I ruminate about his Facebook posts, it is me wanting others to confront him. That is in part me wanting to feel validated ("see, he was wrong about me, he's clearly immature" as well as ever-dimming hope he will change. Usually my ruminations take the form of fantasy. I imagine someone reading his posts and listening to him and telling him it's time for him to get off the pity pot.

I've noticed over time I ruminate a lot less about him actually confronting his issues, because I am aware that is probably just not going to happen. So the ruminations about about my grief and loss.

My reasons for NOT blocking are similar to yours. I'm afraid if I block then I will fixate more on wondering if he has tried to contact me than on truly moving on.

[Lifewriter16]

This isn't about FB particularly, but the principles may apply.

I find some consolation in knowing that my BPDxbf hasn't contacted me by phone or email. When I know he hasn't contacted me, I'm not imagining that he's desperately trying to contact me and yet I am the impediment, the one keeping us from our happyeverafter. There is some benefit to the fact that I can't block him for technical reasons. The best that I can do is direct his emails straight to the bin or delete his texts. I have found that I just check the bin for emails if I apply a filter, so I might as well not bother. I may as well know he's contacted me and learn some self-discipline. I aspire to 'serene indifference' too. Only when I can bear contact without pain, will I know I am healed. It's not an easy route though.

LW x

[londons]

i get this. its tormenting, as our mood can change as far as how much we want to know, and IF we want to know what they are up to.  i am not on any social media.  i could not handle it AT ALL.  my phone is blocked both ways.  i have e mail as the only open communication and even this one option destroys me.  i literally run down the steps every morning to the computer to check my emails, hoping this no good, selfish creep says he misses me and wants to come home.          easier said than done, but we have to keep them from ruining our days .  they did that while we were with them; why do we continue to let them hurt us when we are NOT with them?

[steelwork]

Quick answer:

There's an option to hide someone from your timeline without blocking them. Go to their page, and toggle the "following" button to "unfollow". You will still be able to view their page if you go there on purpose.

[myself]

Some of the last things we let go of are the hardest. For example, it took awhile for me to take my ring off. But when I blocked her on social media, there were definite and serious reasons to do so, and all of them had to do with self respect, personal healing and moving on. It wasn't easy emotionally but needed to be done. It's truly helped. Another way to see it is, why leave the door open to a dead end road? Do what's best for You.

[patientandclear]

(Hello Myself.) I agree it is important at a certain point not to put ourselves in the way of such information. Choosing not to see is tangible evidence with which we show ourselves who and what has ongoing relevance to our lives. It is practically a religious commitment on my part not to go to my ex's webpage. If I went there, it would mean it matters to my ongoing life. I am committed now that it does not. Also, the specific details of betrayal still do specific harm to me.

I DID look while I was still unsure what was going on or while I still couldn't quite accept it. I needed the information back then to prevent myth-making in my head in favor of the relationship. I'm past that now--I know enough.

[HurtinNW]

Yes, now that I am thinking about it more, it is a relief to know he isn't trying to contact me. It's kind of like watching him dig his own grave with a teaspoon. Every week that passes and he fails to address his issues, the more I have to confront he is completely unable to have a relationship. In the months since he raged and broke up with me, Mother's Day came and went. My daughter's B day came and went. I got some amazing career news which is all over town. And a very, very close friend of mine was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer five weeks ago and passed away last week. I organized her service. She was a friend of my ex as well. All of this has passed with him giving me a major silent treatment. Total radio silence as if I don't exist. A mutual friend even contacted me to express shock that he totally ignored our friend's untimely death. What kind of narcissistic turd monkey treats people that way?

Somehow, knowing he is that shockingly immature and cold helps me detach. It does prevent myth making.

That said, I do think I should make it a goal to reduce exposure, since he seems to be making Facebook his quest for vindication as a tragic victim of yours truly. One way to do that is to unfollow those people he posts under the most, like steelwork suggests. That's an easy and doable solution. There are a few mutual friends whom he communicates a lot, and all I have to do is unfollow those people. That way I don't have to see him try to triangulate friends against me by pretending he is the victim, which is what he does.

I am very much hoping to get to the place of "serene indifference" but it is a complicated road, and I am trying to be compassionate towards myself if I make wrong turns along the way.