Can BPD's change their behavior? Did I make it worse?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey guys,

I know many of you have this feeling or thought I've been having lately, some of you have even posted about it on here. I guess I just need to describe my own thoughts and perspectives. Posting on here allows me to clear some of the thoughts and feelings that big me down after my BPD break up.

Quick summary we have been broken up for 6 weeks, since they night before my birthday. NC besides one text message where she refused to let me have some items I left at her place. We were together off and on, but mostly on for about 19 months.

During our relationship she had many of the negative character traits of BPD. She was moody, depressed a lot, had bulimia, had been a cutter in the past(although none when we were together), she was attention seeking, hyper sexual, did things and said things to put me down, pretty blatantly had no regard for my feelings or wants, was selfish, and the biggest one was she was definitely an alcoholic.

The reason I say alcoholic was the biggest one was because it amplified everyone of her BPD traits. I remember hoping and praying on nights when she drank, which was many, nothing bad or crazy would happen, though mostly something did. I somehow feel responsible, maybe if I had said something or not enabled her drinking it would have been better. Or the fact that I like to drink and go dance or be with friends on the weekend, and would take her, she drank more or got worse, I don't know. I do know towards the end of our relationship she was drinking at an all time high, day drunk, black out drunk, drinking and driving, it was really bad and her BPD behaviors were worse too.

Okay enough back story, since our split I have been going out still with friends and with a new girl, until we too broke up. Going to many of the same places me and my ex would frequent. But I have never seen her out. Granted there are other places she could go but her drinking and going out especially in the beginning of our relationship was common for her. So now I keep wondering why isn't she going out, is she still drinking, did I somehow cause her to be the way she was?

Now the we are over is she happy and not drinking? Not partying? What is she doing? Even when we first started dating she would still go out with friends drinking so why isn't she doing it now especially with me out of the picture it's her chance to do all those things guilt free. So like I said I'm wondering why isn't she, I'm wondering if it was my fault, I'm wondering if she's met someone who makes her happy and I didn't, so she doesn't have to drink or party? I thought her behavior made sense because of BPD but maybe I caused it or made it worse? I don't know, I know they can't flip a switch and change their disorder so I don't know what to think.

[KarmasReal]

Hey guys,

I know many of you have this feeling or thought I've been having lately, some of you have even posted about it on here. I guess I just need to describe my own thoughts and perspectives. Posting on here allows me to clear some of the thoughts and feelings that big me down after my BPD break up.

Quick summary we have been broken up for 6 weeks, since they night before my birthday. NC besides one text message where she refused to let me have some items I left at her place. We were together off and on, but mostly on for about 19 months.

During our relationship she had many of the negative character traits of BPD. She was moody, depressed a lot, had bulimia, had been a cutter in the past(although none when we were together), she was attention seeking, hyper sexual, did things and said things to put me down, pretty blatantly had no regard for my feelings or wants, was selfish, and the biggest one was she was definitely an alcoholic.

The reason I say alcoholic was the biggest one was because it amplified everyone of her BPD traits. I remember hoping and praying on nights when she drank, which was many, nothing bad or crazy would happen, though mostly something did. I somehow feel responsible, maybe if I had said something or not enabled her drinking it would have been better. Or the fact that I like to drink and go dance or be with friends on the weekend, and would take her, she drank more or got worse, I don't know. I do know towards the end of our relationship she was drinking at an all time high, day drunk, black out drunk, drinking and driving, it was really bad and her BPD behaviors were worse too.

Okay enough back story, since our split I have been going out still with friends and with a new girl, until we too broke up. Going to many of the same places me and my ex would frequent. But I have never seen her out. Granted there are other places she could go but her drinking and going out especially in the beginning of our relationship was common for her. So now I keep wondering why isn't she going out, is she still drinking, did I somehow cause her to be the way she was?

Now the we are over is she happy and not drinking? Not partying? What is she doing? Even when we first started dating she would still go out with friends drinking so why isn't she doing it now especially with me out of the picture it's her chance to do all those things guilt free. So like I said I'm wondering why isn't she, I'm wondering if it was my fault, I'm wondering if she's met someone who makes her happy and I didn't, so she doesn't have to drink or party? I thought her behavior made sense because of BPD but maybe I caused it or made it worse? I don't know, I know they can't flip a switch and change their disorder so I don't know what to think.

[Moselle]

Hi there Karmaisreal.

She is likely going through a 'hermit' phase from what you are describing. It is rather a different manifestation of the illness  the other three being queen, witch, and waif.

It seems like you are still somewhat attached emotionally. Are you feeling guilt?

[Herodias]

Repeat this over and over to yourself- "It is not my fault that she is how she is"... .she may not be going where you go, because she doesn't want to run into you. She may have someone else... .sometimes they change up who they are completely... .it is an odd phenomenon. Be glad you don't see her and don't think there is anything different that you could have done. I read this is common in co-dependant people. If they can blame themselves and make a change, then it must not be the other person and they will want to go back and try again... .but guess what? It is the other person. Sure, work on yourself for the reasons you chose her in the first place ... .Mine is all those things you said yours is... .I thought I could save him from himself- not so much! Do you think you are her knight in shining armor? Do you think you have the power to change someone? Do you really want to live your life as a savior? It feels good to help someone, but they have to help themselves. If they are not willing to do that long term, you need to walk away. Sorry, but it is the truth. Mine made some changes for the better, but some were worse... .I was so gaslighted I was mixed up. I am out of the FOG now... .look that up and study it. It wasn't you unless you think you can make someone  drink, do drugs, be mean to you and cut themselves. Maybe she was blaming you and you were being gaslighted that it was your fault as well... .work on you and don't think about meeting someone else until you do the work or you will end up right back here again. It is really painful the longer you do it and the older you get... .Learn now. Good luck  

[londons]

great answers.  may i ask what the definitions are for : queen  witch   waif   hermit        and what are the male versions?  thanks... .

[JerryRG]

Great answer Herodias

I'm so grateful for you people, I would be lost without bpdfamily

[Confused108]

great answers.  may i ask what the definitions are for : queen  witch   waif   hermit        and what are the male versions?  thanks... .

I would like to know what these are also! My ex when I was stupid enough to fall for her lies again was somewhat of a loner .But j know this was not really her. I have seen her pics in clubs , going out with friends , cruises, dinner with friends, you name it. Can a woman go thru these Diffrent stages? For example one day be the witch,  a month later be the waid and so on?

[sweet tooth]

From BPD Central:

What is the effect of having a borderline or narcissistic parent?

Not good.

Christine Lawson's research

In her book Understanding The Borderline Mother, Dr. Christine Lawson describes four role types which BPD is exemplified by: The Waif, the Hermit, the Queen, and the Witch.

The Queen is controlling and has co-occuring narcissistic personality disorder. The Witch is sadistic and typified by Joan Crawford as depicted in the book and film Mommy Dearest. The Hermit is fearful, and the Waif is helpless.

Each requires a different approach. Briefly:

Don't let the Queen get the upper hand; be wary even of accepting gifts because it engenders expectations.

Don't internalize the Hermit's fears or become limited by them.

Don't allow yourself to be alone with the Witch; maintain distance for your own emotional and physical safety.

Don't get pulled into the Waif's crises and sense of victimization; pay attention to your own tendencies to want to rescue her, which just feeds the dynamic.

[sweet tooth]

Mine exhibited traits of the Waif and the Hermit:

-Victim Mentality

-She would become "withdrawn" (her words) for days, weeks, or months. She even labeled herself a "hermit." I'm still not conpletely convinced that her "do not contact me again" line wasn't just her being a hermit. I wouldn't be shocked if she went into a deep depression and hasn't socialized this entire time... .and will reappear out of nowhere... .

[once removed]

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch 

[Herodias]

Sometimes I feel like I fit the descriptions here,  Luckily they say if you think you have a personality disorder, you more than likely don't. I think we all have a little of these traits at different times. i don't think we take them to the extreme these people do. I think people can be moody at times. It all depends on what life is handing you at the time... .I am sure they go through this too. It's just sometimes it seems out of no where. Then watch out.

[sweet tooth]

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch 

Reading that reaffirms that my uBPDex had characteristics of the Waif and Hermit: The victimization of the Waif and the fear of the Hermit... .

[once removed]

Luckily they say if you think you have a personality disorder, you more than likely don't. I think we all have a little of these traits at different times.

questioning whether we have a personality disorder is what tends to lead to a diagnosis. slightly over half of partners of people with BPD have a personality disorder, and even more have traits. if we consider ourselves to have traits, i think its worth exploring in therapy.

karmasreal,

you had a role to play in this relationship, but people do not cause others to drink, or not to drink.

what you may be aiming at is the unstable sense of self that a person with BPD tends to have. i had an unhealthy vice my ex took on while we were together. she stopped that upon our breaking up, and took on my replacements unhealthy vice.

you dont really know the answer here, whether shes drinking or not. at the bottom of this wondering is why she appears to behave differently outside of a relationship with you; it causes doubt.

if she were drinking, if she wasnt drinking; what would it mean to you?

[Invictus01]

Hey guys,

I know many of you have this feeling or thought I've been having lately, some of you have even posted about it on here. I guess I just need to describe my own thoughts and perspectives. Posting on here allows me to clear some of the thoughts and feelings that big me down after my BPD break up.

Quick summary we have been broken up for 6 weeks, since they night before my birthday. NC besides one text message where she refused to let me have some items I left at her place. We were together off and on, but mostly on for about 19 months.

During our relationship she had many of the negative character traits of BPD. She was moody, depressed a lot, had bulimia, had been a cutter in the past(although none when we were together), she was attention seeking, hyper sexual, did things and said things to put me down, pretty blatantly had no regard for my feelings or wants, was selfish, and the biggest one was she was definitely an alcoholic.

The reason I say alcoholic was the biggest one was because it amplified everyone of her BPD traits. I remember hoping and praying on nights when she drank, which was many, nothing bad or crazy would happen, though mostly something did. I somehow feel responsible, maybe if I had said something or not enabled her drinking it would have been better. Or the fact that I like to drink and go dance or be with friends on the weekend, and would take her, she drank more or got worse, I don't know. I do know towards the end of our relationship she was drinking at an all time high, day drunk, black out drunk, drinking and driving, it was really bad and her BPD behaviors were worse too.

Okay enough back story, since our split I have been going out still with friends and with a new girl, until we too broke up. Going to many of the same places me and my ex would frequent. But I have never seen her out. Granted there are other places she could go but her drinking and going out especially in the beginning of our relationship was common for her. So now I keep wondering why isn't she going out, is she still drinking, did I somehow cause her to be the way she was?

Now the we are over is she happy and not drinking? Not partying? What is she doing? Even when we first started dating she would still go out with friends drinking so why isn't she doing it now especially with me out of the picture it's her chance to do all those things guilt free. So like I said I'm wondering why isn't she, I'm wondering if it was my fault, I'm wondering if she's met someone who makes her happy and I didn't, so she doesn't have to drink or party? I thought her behavior made sense because of BPD but maybe I caused it or made it worse? I don't know, I know they can't flip a switch and change their disorder so I don't know what to think.

I don't know if it is you or maybe the emotional hurricane that a PD individual has to deal with gets to crazy towards the end, self medication is the only option.

Something similar happened with me. The last two weeks before she dropped me, she just went on a partying/drinking streak. She did her fair share of that anyway (as did I), but the last two weeks were just weird and over the top. One morning after her night out I texted her and jokingly asked her how was her head was hurting to which she replied "My whole life hurts " I had no idea what that meant.

Anyway, like others said, unless you can specifically pin point something that you did that could have had this kind of impact on her, you didn't do anything worse. Her life is her life, what she does or doesn't do, that's her deal. You deal with your stuff. That's more important.

[KarmasReal]

Hey guys good things here, to answer some of your question and add some extra thoughts... .

Moselle, it could be a hermit phase, our last break up she went hermit basically, only went out 3 times in 6 weeks, while I on the other hand did the opposite. Also I am still emotionally attached it's bearing 6 weeks this time and I still am just hurting and depressed. Nothing I do or achieve helps. I go out with friends and can meet women where they are never able to and it just feels empty and shallow, however I know I can't be in a healthy relationship now either going through my depression and dealing with a BPD for nearly two years has damaged me and that needs to be repaired. I do feel guilt, like I should have stopped the drinking or going out, but I wanted to, not just because I was afraid our relationship would get boring but because I wanted to prove that I could handle her BPD and her trying to push my buttons with being flirty or whatever. She would know that I had the confidence to deal, obviously didn't matter though.

Herodias, yes at some points I felt like her knight in shining armor, more than that I just kept hoping she would realize she didn't need saving she had a chance to fix her life and be happy, she just didn't do it. I'm definitely in the realm of co-dependency in certain situations, some relationships not much others very much I'm not sure why that is. I just don't want to think that I was the reason she got so bad at the end of our relationship.

Hey once removed, I definitely played a role in the relationship I'm just confused as to what that role was now, it makes me question everything. I expect her to be free of me, go out, see friends, drink, all the things single people do a lot. But I haven't seen them? She did this type of stuff even into the first 2 or 3 months of seeing me, so even if she did replace I don't know why she would give that up. She was having her cake and eating it so why wouldn't she again? As for picking up my vice, that's not it, she's been a drinker probably alcoholic since before I ever got drunk. I heard stories of after high school he friends would fill up soda cups of liquor and go to the mall, in college she didn't sleep because she had school, work, and then partying all night, when she was married she drank, when she was with me she drank. That's something that wasn't mirroring.

If she weren't drinking it would be something that would make me angry to be honest. It would be good for her but wouldn't last I'd say. But knowing all the things that her drinking did to our relationship and now she's not I would utterly steamed. If she could stop drinking now she could have then, and we could have saved our relationship, we could have had a better life. It would be like she had to drink because I was there and now I'm gone she doesn't. I know that's a very self involved and pessimistic view, but that's how I'd feel.