The only times I had a problem with my ex uBPDgf was when she was dysregulating

[sweet tooth]

im not trying to label you sweet tooth, or suggest anything that doesnt apply to you.

i was a big guy myself in middle school. i was bullied. confidence doesnt come naturally to me. i spent a lot of high school not in a relationship, and the girls that were attracted to me were mostly unhealthy themselves. i dont think thats about a victim mentality. i think its natural and understandable. i had a major fear of rejection. when its ingrained in your head, especially by your family that youre inferior, low self esteem is often the result. this is all i mean when i refer to an unconscious fear of intimacy - or whatever you prefer to call it. fear of rejection, sense of inferiority, lack of confidence or self esteem, fear of abandonment. yes its hard to break out of, but not impossible.

do any of these dynamics ring true for you?Falling in Love with an Unavailable Person

I've analyzed myself until I was blue in the face. I know WHY I got to where I am. I don't know how to break out of it. Nobody seems to know how. I can't help who I'm attracted to. It isn't a choice. I can't help my feelings. They aren't right or wrong, they simply "are."

[once removed]

self awareness is a huge part of the battle. its the catalyst for change. you cant help who youre attracted to and no it isnt right or wrong, though attraction, in general, can change, as a result of self awareness and self improvement.

i dont mean to make it sound simple but that is how to break out of it. self awareness followed by self improvement.

i dont know how that applies to you personally, no. generally speaking practicing self care, building self confidence and self esteem are the "how". i very much understand that when we have been taught we are inferior all of our lives, betrayed by people that we are supposed to trust without inhibition, that we dont walk outside, practice a new hobby, and begin to love ourselves, or internalize self confidence or self esteem. its a far greater struggle.

youve been in therapy - have you discussed these things with your therapist? what is their suggestion on how to build self love for yourself?

[sweet tooth]

I don't want to talk about this right now. It's too painful.

[once removed]

thats okay. you dont have to and nothing wrong with stating that. all of us at our own pace.

[C.Stein]

I can't help who I'm attracted to. It isn't a choice. I can't help my feelings. They aren't right or wrong, they simply "are."

This is true, initial attraction is generally primal.  While you may not have a choice who you are attracted to, you absolutely do have a choice with regard to acting on those feelings.  You have the ability to say no ... .this person is not healthy for me even if I am attracted to them.  Or perhaps saying yes ... .this person is healthy for me even if I am not insanely attracted to them.  These are choices you can and must make for your own well being and emotional survival.

[hergestridge]

Who we fall in love with? Science gives us the answer, and it really makes sense:

1. We are attracted to those who look like us. People who have a similar physical appearance to ourselves.

2. We are attracted to those we think (or know) are attracted to us.

3. We are attracted to that which is familiar to us.

It makes so much sense to me. It explains why I like people who are "in my league" look-wise. It also explains why I am attracted to girls with little or no boundaries. They appear (easily) available and prepared to "like" me, albeit in exchange for me tolerating all kinds of crap from them.

I think most of us recognize that mechanism when you understand that someone seems to be interested in you, that a thought is born there; "What if... .?".

I am also attracted to girls who have the attitude I expect from girls. Normal, happy girls... .I just don't understand them. I can even fend them of as shallow and boring.

The article is in Swedish, but it's a great summary of the mechanisms of falling in love, however uncomfortable it may to be have science (as opposed to psychotherapy) tread into this field.

www.gaudeamus.se/2015/03/nar-man-blir-kar/

[Hadlee]

Who we fall in love with? Science gives us the answer, and it really makes sense:

1. We are attracted to those who look like us. People who have a similar physical appearance to ourselves.

2. We are attracted to those we think (or know) are attracted to us.

3. We are attracted to that which is familiar to us.

Wow that's definitely not the case for me. 

It also explains why I am attracted to girls with little or no boundaries. They appear (easily) available and prepared to "like" me, albeit in exchange for me tolerating all kinds of crap from them.

That sounds like you under value yourself.  Low self-esteem perhaps?

[hergestridge]

Who we fall in love with? Science gives us the answer, and it really makes sense:

1. We are attracted to those who look like us. People who have a similar physical appearance to ourselves.

2. We are attracted to those we think (or know) are attracted to us.

3. We are attracted to that which is familiar to us.

Wow that's definitely not the case for me. 

It also explains why I am attracted to girls with little or no boundaries. They appear (easily) available and prepared to "like" me, albeit in exchange for me tolerating all kinds of crap from them.

That sounds like you under value yourself.  Low self-esteem perhaps?

Yes, of course. How would anyone with normal self-esteem end up with a borderline partner?

[Ahoy]

Who we fall in love with? Science gives us the answer, and it really makes sense:

1. We are attracted to those who look like us. People who have a similar physical appearance to ourselves.

2. We are attracted to those we think (or know) are attracted to us.

3. We are attracted to that which is familiar to us.

Wow that's definitely not the case for me. 

It also explains why I am attracted to girls with little or no boundaries. They appear (easily) available and prepared to "like" me, albeit in exchange for me tolerating all kinds of crap from them.

That sounds like you under value yourself.  Low self-esteem perhaps?

Yes, of course. How would anyone with normal self-esteem end up with a borderline partner?

That made me laugh, it's just so very true!