Keep our mouths shut? or Ask questions? Advice needed.

[Hebrews12]

My mantra tonight is, “I will not feel her fear for her.” And “I trust myself to maintain my boundaries.”

I am having to do some yoga based breathing exercises to really bring these mantras home.  Otherwise I just feel like I am hyperventilating.



My uBPDd (38) has publically announced her and her husband’s decision to uproot their family (4 kids between ages 15 and 2) and move them across country to where we live on only a wing and a prayer.  My husband is upset that she would do this and joke about it when we ask what their plans are with a quippy little, “Well, we might have to live in an RV down by the river.”  

We have made it clear that we are not willing to be their landing pad, or safety net.  We have made clear that we will not host their entire family for unspecified amounts of time.  Yet we feel that if things go south for her -as they have in the past when she has engaged in similar reckless behavior - she will come to us expecting us to be there because of the emergency she has created for herself and her kids.

My husband is disappointed that she has taken this wing and prayer approach to such a major life decision and I see it as part of the reckless behavior that comes along with the BPD.  She says she is fully relying on God to make this happen for her since they have been praying for just such an opportunity.  We don’t see it as an opportunity.  It is risky business.  It has been my experience that when someone says that God will provide, what they really mean is God will provide an enabler, or someone who comes in at the last second and rescues.  They never see the imposition this puts on the rescuer because, hey, God is giving the rescuer an opportunity to show grace and generosity, adding jewels to their eternal crown in the great by and by.  

She is not communicating with us how they came to this decision, or whether they have examined any other options to get her husband in this particular line of business closer to where she lives now.  I did a simple google search and found six different places in her state that would allow her husband to explore this career move without uprooting her family in such a complete way with such high stakes.  It is a trade/union job move for my son-in-law and it is not limited to one particular region of the country.  They have options to make a more sane and judicial move.  

But the other side of this is that she is determined to adopt two girls who live in our state and it will be easier to get the girls if they live out here.  The adoption process is another decision that we don’t agree with because it is framed by statements like, “God is leading us in this direction, we wouldn’t just randomly choose this direction for ourselves.”  “We are asking that He closes doors if he doesn’t want us to do this.”   But she ignores what I would perceive as “closing doors.” The adoption process is revealing more and more difficulties that I don’t think are being evaluated honestly, because…God’s will, not theirs.

How we see this working out:

1.    They move out here with no landing pad and begin knocking on our door and throwing a fit when we stand our ground on the boundary line we have just recently and clearly communicated to her.

2.   They really do live in a substandard housing situation when they get here ie: in a van down by the river.

3.   They move in with friends who do not have the room to house them.

My question, and where I need advice is: Do we broach the conversation and ask what specifically they have in mind in moving out here. Where will they live, how will they financially afford this…just the actual logistical planning of it all. Do we get to express concern or is this just inviting more drama?  We don’t see how we can really avoid a dramatic episode in any of the above situations because ultimately, we will not be rescuing them and that will really make our daughter feel rejected and all the other ugly feelings that go with us standing by our word and not enabling what we perceive as reckless behavior.

I am truly trying to embrace the, “I am not responsible for fixing what she breaks” philosophy.  Yet this has the potential of negatively affecting our grandkids and this scares me.  What parent moves their child out of a stable home into a void?  With no logistically plan in place?

I need encouragement, advice, thoughts, wisdom, insights….

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[abk123]

Hello Hebrews12,

I really like your mantras, especially "I will not feel her fear for her". My d16 is also fearless, and as a parent, I worry enough about her for the both of us.

I'm new to this group, so I hope I don't overstep any proper guidelines, but here are my initial thoughts. First of all, I would ask how you define "a stable home". There are a million different scenarios of why they are leaving. For instance, they have outstayed their welcome where they are and have no choice but to move.

Secondly, as an adult and married woman, is it really your business to know how they came to their decision? And I realize this may come across the wrong way, and I hope it does not. But if you truly mean to maintain your boundary, by not helping her, should something happen, then it's not really your problem. You cannot control or influence her actions, and the more you try to do so, the more you are communicating to her that you really do want to be involved, and thus she will expect help when she needs it. On the other hand, if she asks for your advice, then by all means, express your concerns to her. Otherwise, keep repeating the philosophy, "I am not responsible for fixing what she breaks".

And if the situation plays out as you fear it will, and your grandkids are negatively affected, then that is a different matter. If the children are not being properly cared for, you should then call the proper authorities. Or are you willing to take in your grandchildren temporarily?

But most importantly, I would keep praying for her and your family. Stick to your set boundaries and do not become the enabler.

I hope this helps,

abw123

[lbjnltx]

Should she come to you with a problem you can help by validating and asking validating questions to help her solve her problem. 

One thing you might want to consider doing is preparing ahead of time a list of resources for public aid in:

Housing

Food

Clothing

Utilities

Resume Preparation

Finding a Job

Child Care

Therapy (just thought I would throw that one in as I am an eternal optimist)

If she comes to you for $, housing, food, child care then you can have list in hand to help without it costing you anything or violating your own boundaries.

lbjnltx

PS Violating our boundaries ourselves or allowing others to is worse than having no boundary at all.

[Hebrews12]

[Violating our boundaries ourselves or allowing others to is worse than having no boundary at all.[/quote]
Thank you lbj for the night's mantra.  I am breathing again, raggedly, but oxygen is making it's way past the titanium butterflies in my stomach.

I asked my husband repeatedly tonight what it was going to look like (feel like) when we have to enforce the boundaries that we have already stated.  He doesn't know either.

Well, we both know it is going to feel crappy, but there's no words to articulate just how deep and high and wide that crap is going to feel. 

I like your suggestion of having a list prepared and will work on that. 

Oh this is so hard.  I have nursed a sister-in-law for 3 months on her deathbed and held her hand as she died, and what I am going through with my daughter is harder than that. It is like watching her tie a rope around her children and her husband and hearing her say, "It's just bungee jumping, it'll be fun, relax." But I can see that the rope is not anchored to the bridge she is getting ready to make them jump off of.  I want to scream, ":)on't do it." I want to tackle her and hold her down until this reckless impulse passes. 

ok.  My fingers have a fingerhold of earth, my feet have a toehold, I am not falling.  There is ground under me.  My husband is with me on this.  My sons who are watching how I handle this, understand it is hard, they are not judging me.  I can do this.  I can let go because I am not going to fall.  Breathing is not overrated, it is mandatory.  got it. 

Cross no lines, stand firm, breathe.  Rinse, repeat.

Thank you.  I do not know how I would be getting through this without this board to retreat to and see that I am not crazy.  This is really happening.  I really have no control, and it is better that way.  Breathe.  k.

thx

:'(

[Hebrews12]

Hi, abk123

Thanks for your response.

I define a stable home as one that has running water, electricity, heat, and food on the table consistently.  She has this.  A stable home is one that has at least one parent/guardian figure working consistently and bringing home a paycheck consistently.  She has this, but she is putting it into jeopardy. 

But I completely agree with you, or at least I want to, I want this to be none of my business.  But pretty soon it is going to be on my doorstep.  I am going to be looking into the eyes of my grandkids as I tell their mother that she (they) can't stay with me.  And that really takes my breath away.   lbj suggested I make a list of resources, and I am going to do that.  It helps me feel proactive.  I won't give it to her until she shows up at my door. 

ok.  going to go practice my breathing some more.  Thanks for the prayers.  Please keep them coming.

[lbjnltx]

Hebrews12,

Here is another perspective to consider:

When we rescue our children from the consequences of their choices we may be robbing them of the opportunity to learn important lessons.

Have you looked at the topic "The power of asking Validating Questions"?

lbj