Coping with the push

[Oncebitten]

Its the pushing away, eats me up every time.  I know it's coming, I see the pattern, and while its not as bad as it used to be, it still gets to me... .everytime.  Still hurts, still stings... .I know she loves me, without a doubt, but how do you cope with the hurt?

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[livednlearned]

Great question, Oncebitten.

Being pushed away hurts deeply. It's basically rejection, and I'm convinced the temporary rejection is worse because we stay suspended, yearning for it to end. It can make it hard for us to learn skills like radical acceptance and detachment. When the push phase ends, we have a hard time enjoying the pull because we know it, too, will likely end. The loop continues.

What do you usually do when you find yourself in a push phase?

[Oncebitten]

Livednlearned,

I try to wait it out... .Like I have said in the past, my gf has pretty light traits.  And the I always see the push coming.  She has abandonment issues... .so something anything that comes up that interrupts our normal routine will cause her to push me away.  A business trip for me for example.  She will push me away a few days prior to me leaving, won't talk to me etc... .when I get back we are usually fine within a day or two.  Its just hard, I don't understand how to deal with it.  I try and wait it out knowing that it will be ok... .but its painful.  Same thing if we have a big fight... .she will push me away. ... never completely go no contact. ... but doesn't talk, replies are always short... .we will talk later... she will say.  So I just wait silently painfully until she comes back around.   I have told her I hate it when she does this, and the reply I always get is this is how I deal with painful stuff.

[livednlearned]

She must feel a lot of pain to push you away when deep down she wants to be closer. It's a sign of her own strength that she can admit she does this, and knows why.

Often when we don't have good boundaries, we reach for more primitive ones (like silent treatment, removing ourselves physically, breaking up with someone) because they eliminate our need to trust others when we are flooded in painful feelings.

If she has had a hard time trusting others to accept and acknowledge how she feels, it becomes difficult to trust anyone who can hurt her. Like you. This is probably why she turns away from you instead of toward you for comfort.

That means interrupting the cycle.

You have let her know how you feel, and her response is to explain why she does it. You are both at an impasse about this behavior (she's hurt, you're hurt). What would happen if you validate her when a trip is coming up, or something that will trigger her abandonment?

"I have to take a trip. In the past, when I have to go away, you pull away. You must be feeling a lot of pain and this helps you soothe yourself. I wish you would turn to me when you are hurt and I understand that you handle these feelings by pulling away. I love you and will be here when you feel ready to reach out for me."

Or something like that.

She may need reassurance that her way of coping is actually ok. It will help her feel validated, and that builds trust.

Is that something you could do?

[Oncebitten]

Yes I can do that and I will the next time it comes up.  The simple problem is the way she prefers to deal with it runs in the opposite direction of my preferred method.  I want to pull her close for every possible second until I have to leave.  She preemptively pushes me away.

But I am willing to do it her way because I love her, and if that's what's best for her so be it.

[Oncebitten]

Livednlearned,

She has some very deep seated abandonment issues which are at the heart of this problem. That is what typically triggers the push.  My leaving her having to leave anything that interrupts the norm.  Any comments that could  be vaguely misconstrued as a reason to break up. 

I know why she has these issues and I understand and respect them. She even told me the other day when I pointed out that she was pushing me away that it wasn't about me it was because of everyone that came before me and ruined her as she put it.

Is there any way to overcome these feelings of abandonment?  Will time fix this?  She has gotten better after a  big fight and she told me I would be better off without her and I refused to leave told her I wasn't going anywhere, didn't matter what she said, didn't change how I felt.  I wasn't going to walk out on her. 

Haven't had as many pushes since then

[livednlearned]

Waiting for her fear of abandonment to go away is her issue to deal with, it's a tough reality.

The part you can focus on is what you do with the dynamic. For example, she has a fairly consistent way of dealing with her attachment -- she pushes you away. This brings up difficult feelings for you. Sometimes, we are triggered by abandonment in our way, what some call "protest behaviors." In a healthy relationship, our partner would reassure us. In a BPD relationship, she is not in a position to provide this reassurance. The challenge, then, is to learn to cope with the anxiety these actions bring up.

In a way, we ask pwBPD to deal with powerful feelings, meanwhile we have our own feelings that can be just as challenging. It is much easier to want others to change their behavior (and feeling disappointed) than changing our own (and feeling empowered). And once we start doing that work, it can create empathy, which makes it easier to validate, which helps build trust... .