Re-Engaging ex after 9 months – Advise Please

[FlyFish]

I have never posted on the “Undecided” board, been spending my days over on the “Recovery” board. I have been NC with my exuBPDgf for 9 months. About two months ago (7 months NC) she text me that she “Wanted to catch up”, a message I promptly ignored. Then, one month ago, she texts me again: "Wanted to drop another line, wondering how you are? I understand if you don't feel comfortable responding and I promise I won't keep bugging you. Just know that any quietness from me is out of respect rather than a lack of desire to connect; that will always be true not matter how much time passes. Hope things are bright, happy - You deserve the best."

I still have not responded to this message but I now think I’m going to. I want to hear her out. I’m well aware of the potential emotional consequences of reengaging a BPDex partner. I want to see if there is any hope. I still love her deeply and I’m finding it hard to ignore these recent attempts at contact.

Anyway, have any of you out there reengaged an ex after a significant amount of time? How did you go about it? How would you respond to this text after a month of no response? How did you handle your first conversation after a long period? Any advise/thoughts would be appreciated.

The good thing is she has initiated the contact.

[C.Stein]

I still have not responded to this message but I now think I’m going to. I want to hear her out.

What do you expect/want to hear?

I think the general consensus for reengaging after a period of time is don't bring up the past.  If there is a possibility of getting back together with her, both you (and her) will need to leave the past in the past, but at the same time having learned from the mistakes made.  Can you both do this?

[FlyFish]

C Stein,

I want to see if she can offer any sort of an apology/explanation for what happened and ultimately see if anything is possible for the future, although I'm not expecting it. In the end I was quickly devalued and discarded with little to no reasoning/explanation. She completely shut down on me when I asked for one at the time. This was devastating. My feeling is that she didn't even know how to explain it herself. but maybe she can give me more now. One thing is certain I will not forget what she did to me and I will proceed with extreme caution. Forgiveness is one thing forgetting is another. I know I still love her but I also know that she will have to put in the work to have me back in her life.

[FlyFish]

I still have not responded to this message but I now think I’m going to. I want to hear her out.

I think the general consensus for reengaging after a period of time is don't bring up the past.  If there is a possibility of getting back together with her, both you (and her) will need to leave the past in the past, but at the same time having learned from the mistakes made.  Can you both do this?

It will not be hard for me to let go of the past, in fact for the most part I have and I have also found forgiveness for her. But, before moving forward with anything, she has to at least acknowledge and recognize what she did to me. That is what I'm looking for. I cannot proceed if she cannot recognize her behavior or it will happen again. If she can sufficiently do this then I at least can leave the past in the past... .Don't know if she can.

[C.Stein]

IBut, before moving forward with anything, she has to at least acknowledge and recognize what she did to me.

For me, this would be the minimum requirement for me to even discuss reconciliation or even perhaps to agree to a face to face.

IThat is what I'm looking for. I cannot proceed if she cannot recognize her behavior or it will happen again. If she can sufficiently do this then I at least can leave the past in the past... .Don't know if she can.

Recognition is great but not enough.  She will need to accept she needs help and actively seek it for her own benefit and stick with it.  Anything less and chances are better than not any reconciliation will end the same way the first time did.  You will also need to make some serious changes and adjustments and most importantly know with certainty what it is going to require on your part to make a relationship work with a borderline.  Start with realistic expectations.  

[FlyFish]

I hear you C Stein and appreciate the feedback but I think we are getting way to far ahead when discussing becoming partners again or how to handle a relationship. The text simple states that she is wondering how I am with some other fillers in there. Obviously she is thinking about me if she is texting. but I do not believe this is a full blown attempt at recycle although this is probably how they begin. Just not sure what she is thinking and it is useless to attempt to discern this from a text. Right now I'm just thinking about how to respond to her initial text, especially after I haven't replied in a month? Should I keep it simple? Should I try to draw more info out of her? I haven't spoken to her in 9 months and I was never really good at texting or talking on the phone for that matter. I was always more comfortable with myself when communicating in person (unfortunately something I think that humanity is slowly loosing).

[C.Stein]

Right now I'm just thinking about how to respond to her initial text, especially after I haven't replied in a month? Should I keep it simple? Should I try to draw more info out of her? I haven't spoken to her in 9 months and I was never really good at texting or talking on the phone for that matter. I was always more comfortable with myself when communicating in person (unfortunately something I think that humanity is slowly loosing).

If you reply and what you say entirely depends on what you are looking for here.  

What are you looking for here?  

I think once you can answer that question you might have a better idea what to do.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey FlyFish, It sounds like you are contemplating a recycle.  If so, what makes you think it will go differently this time?  Reason I ask is that many of us here, including me, have participated in a recycle only to wind up with the same outcome, yet with more pain down the line.  Not saying this will happen to you, but it's worth thinking about.

LuckyJim