Exhausted

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone. I've suspected my husband of having BPD for some time now, and its becoming increasingly difficult to handle. Right this moment, he's giving me the silent treatment for the third day. He's never pulled this one before, but I've learned to fear these reactions as they usually result in angry outbursts like punching holes in walls, leaving me and coming back, screaming, breaking our stuff around the house. I'm just starting to really research and try to understand what this disorder means for me as a spouse. I've just the article on this site about what it requires to be a caregiver and honestly I think I'm beyond being able to do that, and there is no one else in his life who can. We've been together 10 years, married about half that but living together the whole time. I don't want to find myself 10 years from now still feeling like I have for last few. I think the only option left is to end it for my own sanity, but I'm terrified of what it will do to his. He goes between extremes where I'm the only good thing in his life to I'm the cause of all things evil. If we split, I'm worried his aggression will go out of control and by the way he happens to be a gun enthusiast. Or, depression might take over and well, I worry about the guns there too. I'm at a loss for what to do every minute of the day. I've been trying to weather this silent treatment (which is basically him sleeping constantly) by going on about the day like as if nothing is happening but this can't continue. Any input here about handling the immediate situation better or developing a longer term exit strategy would be welcomed. I've accepted that I'm going to be the evil ex wife, but any way I can minimize the actual damage would be reassuring.

[Tinygreenpea]

Hi everyone. I've suspected my husband of having BPD for some time now, and its becoming increasingly difficult to handle. Right this moment, he's giving me the silent treatment for the third day. He's never pulled this one before, but I've learned to fear these reactions as they usually result in angry outbursts like punching holes in walls, leaving me and coming back, screaming, breaking our stuff around the house. I'm just starting to really research and try to understand what this disorder means for me as a spouse. I've just the article on this site about what it requires to be a caregiver and honestly I think I'm beyond being able to do that, and there is no one else in his life who can. We've been together 10 years, married about half that but living together the whole time. I don't want to find myself 10 years from now still feeling like I have for last few. I think the only option left is to end it for my own sanity, but I'm terrified of what it will do to his. He goes between extremes where I'm the only good thing in his life to I'm the cause of all things evil. If we split, I'm worried his aggression will go out of control and by the way he happens to be a gun enthusiast. Or, depression might take over and well, I worry about the guns there too. I'm at a loss for what to do every minute of the day. I've been trying to weather this silent treatment (which is basically him sleeping constantly) by going on about the day like as if nothing is happening but this can't continue. Any input here about handling the immediate situation better or developing a longer term exit strategy would be welcomed. I've accepted that I'm going to be the evil ex wife, but any way I can minimize the actual damage would be reassuring.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lucky Jim]

I've learned to fear these reactions as they usually result in angry outbursts like punching holes in walls, leaving me and coming back, screaming, breaking our stuff around the house. I'm just starting to really research and try to understand what this disorder means for me as a spouse.

Hey tiny greenpea, Welcome!  The description of your H's behavior is quite familiar.  My BPDxW punched holes in walls, broke down doors, smashed my photos, destroyed family heirlooms, threw wine bottles at me, etc.  Not fun, as you note.  In my experience, those w/BPD often have a tremendous amount of rage that can be triggered by innocuous actions on the part of the Non.  Plus, those triggers change constantly, so it is a moving target.  Since you are here on the Saving Board, I'm wondering if you are trying to avoid a breakup?  In any case, the first step, in my view, is to return the focus to yourself and what you need for your own well-being.  You can't control others, but you can control how you care for yourself. 

LuckyJim

[Tinygreenpea]

Thanks lucky Jim. When I was originally posting, I kept toggling between "saving a relationship near breakup" and "it's over I need support". That's pretty much a metaphor for my relationship in general these days. Within any given day I mentally toggle between those feelings multiple times. I'm quite sure I'm going to get home from work and he'll be asleep with the blankets over his face again. On the one hand, maybe it is my fault he feels this way, on the other I can't keep living like this. Monday he tried to pick a fight wherein he gave a laundry list of things I'd done wrong that day, and I simply responded by saying "I don't need to have this argument." That was the end and not a word spoken since. He went straight to bed. Initially I felt like I was just protecting myself, seeing the anger rising and putting a full stop on it before the lash out could begin. Now, I'm about halfway through Stop Walking on Eggshells and I understand that my response may have made him feel rejected and unheard. And that might be true for any partner but especially someone who feels things so strongly. It's all a big double edged sword. The alternative was allowing the rage to continue snowballing and facing those consequences. Is it fair dealing with BPD to set a boundary that I'm not willing to accept a list of 12 things I did wrong in one day (I wrote them down so I could see his statements without the emotion) where about half of them made no logical sense to me as a non? Will he be able to uphold a boundary like that? Is it possible for a BPD to recognize when they're doing something like that?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Tgp, You don't need his permission to establish a boundary.  I think you did the right thing by not engaging in that argument about the 12 mistakes you made.  Sure, validation can help so that's worth a try, but in my view boundaries are more important.  There is no reason for you to be the object of anyone's rage, which I find unacceptable.  I should know, because I was the victim of my BPDxW's rages for many years, until I refused to participate in the drama.  That was my boundary.  Sounds like you are of two minds about staying/leaving.  Only you can find the right path and it's up to you to determine when and if you are ready to get off the roller coaster.

LuckyJim