BPII with BPD Boyfriend Ran Away-No Contact for 60 days -Will He Recycle

[KatyK2016]

Hi There,

Sorry this is long. Me and BF of 2 years recently broke up in March. This would be our 3rd break. Each time the length for which he disappears gets longer and longer. At first it would be days, then a couple weeks and now we are 3 months. This is the longest that he's been gone. I'm worried that it's THE Final BREAK. He has split me to black. He will not speak to me and when he does he's very short and cold. My situation may be a little different as my exbf has BPII and BPD which is all the more sinister.

My exbf ran away because he feels that I lied and betrayed him. I thought we were pretty much soul mates and couldn’t believe I found him and that he also happened to be my best friend.  All was wonderful with the usual ups and downs. There were def some red flags that I looked past in hind site that were not normal and dangerous to my health because of his hypersexuality. He didn't always use protection and I found out that out after the fact. I almost never talked to him again after he told me but it seemed manageable. I set a ground rule that he needed to tell me if he was having sex with other women so that I had a choice in things since it was my body he was screwing with. He agreed, more like he lied and told me what I wanted to hear.

I understood a bit about his condition and accepted those traits. He could never handel the actual label of GF because it freaked him out. I also think there was more going on there but whatever. I did my best at the time to understand him however I did do NOT my homework on BPD and knew very little about BPII.

I started to become frustrated with the constant tug and pull and him getting more and more selfish with his needs. I feel like I made a lot of mistakes in understanding his behavior and probably would of handled things differently if I had ALL the info that I have now. I had no idea most problem behavior was tied to his illness. I got the vibe that he was pushing me away because he started sleeping with his ex again but I could never confirm it because it all happened so fast.

For several days leading up to the breakup he was acting strange. He began distancing himself after a impulse trip he took to Las Vegas (mid Feb) out of the blue to gamble what little money he did have. He didn’t contact me right away after arriving home, I figured guilty conscious. We had a talk and he assured me he only gambled etc. A couple weeks go by and he’s ok. Not normal but ok. In these weeks he is borrowing money from me almost every day and not afraid to ask for it. Finally he was trying to disappear again and asked me for $200. I told him no and he disappeared to go home. He actually took work off for this (again) impulse trip. Something he NEVER does. He ended up not going anywhere because no one would give him money.

He got paid and paid me back the money he owed via an app. He then asked me to go out to dinner. We went for a great dinner then he again went back to blowing me off and staying home. That’s when sh** hit the fan. While he the 2 days after our dinner he was acting really strange. On all our calls he sounded like he was having our phone conversation in front of someone else for the benefit of them to hear it if that makes sense. Like a staged call. It was really odd. Every call after that was the same. Like a different person.

Once I felt him stringing me along for the second time in row with text messages that were basically blowing me off. (mid march) I got really angry and sent him angry and cruel text messages calling him out on using me and calling him horrible names, ass*** and such. I told him that he should find another doormat because I'm done and  I know he’s just using me.  He never responded to the texts. I took that as a blatant "Yes I am using you".

I let about a week pass and tried to reach out to him to talk things out. He refused all my efforts. I sent him text messages and an email apology. Nothing was responded to until he finally said he’d call me. The night he said he would call me, he never did. For the next days following I sent him horribly sad and desperate text messages begging to talk to him. He ignored me again, in fact he blocked me.  I eventually was so hurt and frustrated I had no idea how to get through to him. I ended up drinking with friends and decided I would go to his apartment to talk to him in person. He was not there and his roommate answered the door after me knocking repeatedly (obnoxiously). Apparently the neighbors had called the police and it was highly embarrassing to him. On the way out I told his roommate “ he does this  because he’s bipolar” and left.  I did this knowing that my ex had told me his roommate already knew about his illness.

After this I said enough is enough and realized that he played and manipulated my emotions exactly how he wanted to. Yes it was me at the end of the day that acted stupid but he knew ignoring me would make even more upset and so when he did so he now had an excuse to call me a psycho because of my behavior out of hurt and frustration. I started going to therapy to help me process everything. I started contacting him less until he finally picked up one of my calls. He sounded manic and crazy and basically told me that he was kicked out of his apt because of me. I told him that could not be true and he said “well maybe it wasn’t all that but she told me I had to move after what you did” …Which I also think was a lie. He never had to move. He just wanted to blame me for something so he didn’t have to see me and I also would never go back to his apt if I thought he wasn’t there. I’m not an idiot but he is. I told him he was full of BS and that I was sorry if I betrayed him. He said his roommate didn’t know he had BP and this was all my fault. He told me he loves me but he’s really really mad at me right now and wants me to go away for a couple months and MAYBE we can be friends.  REALLY?

So at this point I get he lost his mind and is kinda crazy right now. But then I also realized that he could have totally crashed from his mania and now his BPD is what is keeping him from contacting me. Thoughts?

So to give a little more info, I was frustrated that he was not contacting and me and didn’t want to sit by my phone waiting so I changed my number. I told him if he ever wanted to talk that he could email me. I also blocked him on all social. We had a brief email exchange last week. I missed him so I sent him a photo after 3 weeks of no contact. All communication has been mostly short texts.  His email responses were one worded answers. ANYWAYS I want to hear your thoughts on this.

I know most people are going to say “why would you want him back?” but I do at least as a friend. It’s killing me that he’s hates me right now.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[khibomsis]

  Katy and welcome to BPD family! It sounds like you have been going through a terrible time. It is good that you are already in therapy so you can have some support through this. Be patient. It does get better with time. The lessons here on the right hand side are good to help you make some sense of it all.

I am not sure I can answer your question. Some BPD's recycle and others don't. Part of the disease is a simultaneous fear of abandonment and engulfment. Meaning when you are too close he will push you away and when you are too distanced he will pull you back in. However, it sounds like there was a lot more going on here. Unprotected sex with other women and then coming back to you does not sound as if he had your welfare at heart.It is possible that as you started setting boundaries he found that too difficult.

  I think the more important question is: why do you want him back? What does he do for you (or spare you from) that you are now missing in your life?

Be kind to yourself and let us know how you are doing. , khib

[KatyK2016]

Hi KHIB!

Thank you for replying and yes I do believe that there is more going on with him other than the two mentioned diagnosis. My friend who is a psychologist at UCLA told me that he sound like he also may have either sociopath or psychopathic tendencies. My ex had confessed to me that while we saw each other on and off for 5 months he was paid to have sex with a 50 year old married woman from South Korea! She was customer at his store ortho. He is mattress salesman ironically. (feel free to laugh) .

He told me the customer came in and called back the store asking if he liked her personally and if she would meet him at a hotel room. He did and had sex with her. She then paid him an additional $300 for having sex which surprised him. She called again he said he did it twice. He confessed this to me in late Nov 14'.  He glorified the whole thing and said his friends and 2 co-workers envied him for being a male whore. I told him he should never tell anyone else story and that I would stop sleeping with him if he did it again. He told me it was only once and would NEVER do it again he was only experimenting and it was "fun." (something I notice a lot of BPD's say "NEVER". I believed him and I didn't want to believe that he could be that emotionally and morally bankrupt.  

Fast forward to Jan 15', we grew closer and one night I had tickets gifted to me for a basketball game, really good tickets. I decided to get a hotel room and arrange for a car to take us. All at my expense of course. (He was usually broke) We had a great time but that's the first time I witnessed his manic behavior. I had no idea then why he was acting different. Now I see all the signs. He was FLYING!

It was the first time we had really been out since we first met a year prior. We usually stayed in when we hung out.  At some point in the morning we start talking (after having sex unprotected) and he begins to boast about how great it as being a male whore o his customer and how he made over $5000 doing it! He also said that he wished he still had a gig like that going and the only reason it stopped was because she stopped calling him or picking up his calls.

I was so completely shocked because I realized that he lied but also how excited he was to tell me without any regard. I had no idea how to react and I figured he might be testing me for a reaction. I almost had a panic attack. I  managed to pull off staying calm and not leaving the bed. I could barely breath and was holding back tears. I could not look up at him. I figured the smartest thing to do is to not freak out and milk him for more info to get the truth by being calm and asking questions seemingly buying into his ego. It worked and he told me everything. He told me he didn't want to tell me and that he was mostly doing this with this woman when I wanted nothing to do with him.

I was repulsed and just wanted to leave. I took a shower and packed my stuff to leave. I could not get past this and I have nightmares about that day. I held resentment against him for this ever since. I lost a lot of respect for him a realized that I could never trust his words. I made excuses for him doing this by convincing myself he was going through a hard time and blamed his bipolar because I loved him so much. He was also really open about his BP and told me that day that he was also diagnosed with BPD since he was a teen. He told me that medication doesn't really work for him and he just needs to eat right and get sleep. REALLY? Ummm not for a chemical imbalance!

This was only the first red flag. Pretty big one. Others followed. My therapist has diagnosed me with PTSD and said that suffered emotional abuse. I am working to undo the damage he has done to my self esteem and mental well being. I'm also taking responsibility for my part in all of this and wondering why I would value myself so little to accept someone like him as a good friend or partner. I remember days that I cried because I knew that if I let him stay in my life, I'd have to never expect for him to help me out or really be there for me when I needed it. One time he told me he would help me move and left me hanging. He went out with his friends instead. Luckily I hired movers and my family came in the morning to help me pack. Another example of WTH would I want that back?

The truth is today I realize that I don't want him back. Sometimes I think I want the friendship back but this pain is too much and I couldn't do this again. My therapist told me it could take a year to heal! I really don't have the time for that. I'm trying to get over this as quickly and effectivly as possible. These message boards help. I've also been researching like mad. At this point I think I may know more about his condition then he does. I was hoping that I could share what I've learned with him but now I give up. Now I'm so angry about everything I give up.  

One thing I came to terms with this week was that there was triangulation going on that I denied and for whatever reason brushed under the carpet and accepted. My therapist pointed this out to me. My ex always had another female friend that he called his best friend. Whether it really was just this friend or this friend could have been an excuse for multiple women... .either way it was happening. I do believe that he did have this particular female firend as his best friend. I also think there was something deeper with them in my gut even though he denied them having any type of sexual relationship.

Towards the end I couldn't see how there could be one between them both since we were together so much... .Or SO I THOUGHT. It felt that way that is. But in fact it wasn't. He was very good at splitting time. I still can't tell if he did this knowingly or if it was a part of his BPD patterns.

Today I took a count of how many days we actually spent together and how many he was gone. How many days he borrowed money from me. What days we broke up. What days he came back. How long the breaks were etc. It was flooring! BPD's are like clockwork. This is something I should have done the day we broke up. Seeing the pattern in your face is factual. It's a lot of work but I also tracked a lot of his behavior for the past 6 months.



**Every other month he would alternate between spending the first 2 weeks or the last 2 weeks of the month with me with scattered here and there stays with me.  

**Usually every Sunday night through Monday of every month.

**Every 3 months he would break up with me or start a big fight.

**Every 6 months he would experience temporary mania from what I could remember

**He would spend between 13-17 days with me each month. Twords the end he only spent 8 days with me each month and for every day he did stay with me he borrowed money or my car or both.


Up and down. Back and forth. When I really broke it down he was dividing each month between me and this other "friend" of his.  

Being able to see it in your face showed me just how really sick he is. He thinks he has a handle on his illnesses when it is CLEAR he does not. He is a mess! What a crappy way to live to have to put yourself through emotional hell every 6-8 weeks! You would think he'd WANT to help himself with at least therapy if he refuses medication. He does not. He just expects everyone around him to just have to deal with his all over mood swings and crappy decisions.  

I want to help him but I know that if he doesn't want to help himself, I'll just be annoying if I reach out. I've completely gone NC because I have no idea what else I should do. There really is nothing else I can as I see it. If I reach out via email (which I did last week) he responds with one worded answers. That was a test. He is still not well or interested in speaking to me. So I backed off. After doing that whole exercise today it made me feel horrible and used. Why should I help him?

I feel like crap and realize now that he probably never loved me at all. A hard reality when you have been holding onto memories of what you thought was real love. Today, I'm ok with him not coming back at all. I'm back to never wanting to see him again. I could never trust someone who could put me through this much pain.

I don't expect him to come back this time. I'm sure he has found my replacement and that's fine with me. I know in a month or so he will be looking for another.

[Leonis]

No contact is definitely the right move. You don't need the unnecessary drama in life.

[khibomsis]

Katy, it is good to hear that you are making such great progress. Healing is not a linear process, sometimes it feels like one step forward two steps back, but it certainly sounds like you are making great strides in a very short time.

One thing you probably already figured out by now is that you are unlikely to get closure from your BPD ex. It very rarely happens (unless it may be a prelude to recycling). So when you contact him what were you hoping to get from contact? It is important that you figure this out and prepare yourself so you are not disappointed by the outcome.

The opinion most commonly given on this board is that BPD people do love you - until they don't. My personal take is that every BPD is different just like every co-dependent is different. And I fail to read your ex's actions as in any way loving. Risky sexual behaviour is sometimes part of the disorder. Not telling you and exposing you to risk is crossing another boundary altogether. How do you feel about it now? Is this love question important to you still? 

Apart from the lessons what I found really helped when my ex ST-ed me was  learning to care for myself. Eating well, doing some exercise I liked, getting in touch with my feelings and trying to do things that I really needed instead of worrying about my ex turned out to be a huge relief. I hope you to are managing to make the most of you-time!  . khib