Silence is Calling for Chaos

[RighteousAnger]

It has only been 2 full weeks of NC with my exgf uBPD. The prior two weeks prior we went all week NC, but on the weekends she got through to me and we recycled for the weekends. We dated for two years and recycled more times than I can remember... .at least a couple dozen during that time. She treated me horribly and brought me to depths of depression and isolation I've never experienced during the black and made me feel like the most important person in the world during the white. Her intermittent rewards had me hitting the repeat button over and over that I felt I lost myself... .and really I had. I gave up hobbies, friends, and rarely spoke to my family for her. After meeting her final demand (her - "If you would just do this, we'd be happy." she'd always find another demand that I adhere to. I finally realized how unhealthy my life had become and new I needed out, especially since she denied having BPD and "didn't need help."

I guess my question is, even though I've seen this inevitable breakup for quite some time now... .I'm talking at least a year... .Why am I aching for her to break the no contact? I have her phone blocked and her email blocked, but that has never stopped her from making a new phone number or showing up at my doorstep in the past. But this time she hasn't... .she is actually so far making it "easy" on me and here I am wondering why she hasn't broke the NC this time.  Wondering why I am wanting her to break it? I must be  subconsciously aching for the chaos I hated so much and that drove me nuts, but I know that is not healthy. I guess I have become accustomed to the chaos? Like a war vet coming home to peace (maybe not as extreme though) and feeling uneasy.

Funny thing is she somehow pushed all the right buttons because in the past I would have never tolerated a woman like her and would have kicked a woman like her to the curb in a heartbeat for the the things she said to me and the way she treated me... .but for some reason I didn't with her and kept trying to make it work and now here I am obsessing as to why I want to travel back to hell when I don't have to? I am going to counseling and it helps some, but damn I just wish I could regain my old strength and self way faster and get over her and her destructive ways.

[sweet tooth]

It has only been 2 full weeks of NC with my exgf uBPD. The prior two weeks prior we went all week NC, but on the weekends she got through to me and we recycled for the weekends. We dated for two years and recycled more times than I can remember... .at least a couple dozen during that time. She treated me horribly and brought me to depths of depression and isolation I've never experienced during the black and made me feel like the most important person in the world during the white. Her intermittent rewards had me hitting the repeat button over and over that I felt I lost myself... .and really I had. I gave up hobbies, friends, and rarely spoke to my family for her. After meeting her final demand (her - "If you would just do this, we'd be happy." she'd always find another demand that I adhere to. I finally realized how unhealthy my life had become and new I needed out, especially since she denied having BPD and "didn't need help."

I guess my question is, even though I've seen this inevitable breakup for quite some time now... .I'm talking at least a year... .Why am I aching for her to break the no contact? I have her phone blocked and her email blocked, but that has never stopped her from making a new phone number or showing up at my doorstep in the past. But this time she hasn't... .she is actually so far making it "easy" on me and here I am wondering why she hasn't broke the NC this time.  Wondering why I am wanting her to break it? I must be  subconsciously aching for the chaos I hated so much and that drove me nuts, but I know that is not healthy. I guess I have become accustomed to the chaos? Like a war vet coming home to peace (maybe not as extreme though) and feeling uneasy.

Funny thing is she somehow pushed all the right buttons because in the past I would have never tolerated a woman like her and would have kicked a woman like her to the curb in a heartbeat for the the things she said to me and the way she treated me... .but for some reason I didn't with her and kept trying to make it work and now here I am obsessing as to why I want to travel back to hell when I don't have to? I am going to counseling and it helps some, but damn I just wish I could regain my old strength and self way faster and get over her and her destructive ways.

I would consider two possibilities:

1. The first you already know. You have grown accustomed to the chaos. Now that it's gone you feel uneasy because it's not what you're used to. That's normal.

2. I think your ego is taking a hit.

[drained1996]

Like you Righteous, I recycled got bashed over the head.  Recycled got bashed... .rinse and repeat an infinite amount of times.  I feel where you are and it I wouldn't wish it on anyone... .but there is hope, and if you continue down the path you admit you should follow... .the FOG will begin to clear.

About 4 months ago I asked my T (therapist) why I missed her and still had thoughts of her a lot.

Simple answer... ."that's YOUR loneliness it has nothing to do with her"  He did not expand on that, and it took me some time to digest it (a session or two actually)

He was right, I was lonely and wanted something to fill the void I was feeling.  What is the easiest way to do that?... .what is the freshest memory of having that void filled?... .our ex's.  Our brains go to the most readily available remedy... .recycle.

I now understand loneliness is MY problem and how I handle my loneliness is part of my recovery.  I hope this helps shed some light for you, because I can say that the feeling of loneliness was one of the more difficult things to deal with and FINALLY come to grasps with.  

[Xstang77]

I absolutely agree,I'm In the same boat however my ex is living In the same house as me in the apartment below with people she's painted me black to,when I really think about it clearly it's the boredom and loneliness,I go to work then would come home to her,I don't really have Any friends but the chaos is what we miss and like you when I think about it our time together is always hell and chaos but it's what we're used to like ptsd almost.

[sweet tooth]

I absolutely agree,I'm In the same boat however my ex is living In the same house as me in the apartment below with people she's painted me black to,when I really think about it clearly it's the boredom and loneliness,I go to work then would come home to her,I don't really have Any friends but the chaos is what we miss and like you when I think about it our time together is always hell and chaos but it's what we're used to like ptsd almost.

See, that would be easy for me. If the time together was constant chaos I would have walked away and never looked back. 98% of my face to face interactions with my ex were very pleasant, some of the happiest of my life. It's when she disappeared that made it so hard.

[Xstang77]

I absolutely agree,I'm In the same boat however my ex is living In the same house as me in the apartment below with people she's painted me black to,when I really think about it clearly it's the boredom and loneliness,I go to work then would come home to her,I don't really have Any friends but the chaos is what we miss and like you when I think about it our time together is always hell and chaos but it's what we're used to like ptsd almost.

See, that would be easy for me. If the time together was constant chaos I would have walked away and never looked back. 98% of my face to face interactions with my ex were very pleasant, some of the happiest of my life. It's when she disappeared that made it so hard.

which part would be chaos? I would ask her everyday If things were ok or if she was leaving,I've heard BPD and boredom is dangerous but with these girls you'd better have a endless bank account and even then it means nothing,I would always dread in my heart to get that text while I'm at work and come home to an empty house again... it more so depended on the hour I had some of the best times in my life with her but at the same time like in my experience I think better into our "good times" and how it mostly consisted of me walking on eggshells to please her.

[RighteousAnger]

Like you Righteous, I recycled got bashed over the head.  Recycled got bashed... .rinse and repeat an infinite amount of times.  I feel where you are and it I wouldn't wish it on anyone... .but there is hope, and if you continue down the path you admit you should follow... .the FOG will begin to clear.

About 4 months ago I asked my T (therapist) why I missed her and still had thoughts of her a lot.

Simple answer... ."that's YOUR loneliness it has nothing to do with her"  He did not expand on that, and it took me some time to digest it (a session or two actually)

He was right, I was lonely and wanted something to fill the void I was feeling.  What is the easiest way to do that?... .what is the freshest memory of having that void filled?... .our ex's.  Our brains go to the most readily available remedy... .recycle.

I now understand loneliness is MY problem and how I handle my loneliness is part of my recovery.  I hope this helps shed some light for you, because I can say that the feeling of loneliness was one of the more difficult things to deal with and FINALLY come to grasps with.  

I think you've definitely hit on something here. I'm so used to my phone blowing up with numerous texts from her during all time of the day and night that it's weird how quiet my phone is... .lonely. And it makes sense that my mind would immediately think of her to end the loneliness and quietness I'm experiencing right now. It's just weird how the rational side of our brains can be like "you've got to be kidding me... .you were miserable and walking on Eggshells a majority of the time... .you should be leaping with joy singing the wicked witch is gone."... .yet the emotional primitive sidemail trumps it with "I'm lonely and she does love me in her own messed up way." Yeah, I'll explore this some more. I also do realize what she did for my ego during the times I was painted white and it felt good... .but it wasn't real... .it was her white version of me, not the gray true version of me.

And of course I am wondering if she already found someone else since that is pretty typical for pwBPD... .and would be on par for her when looking at her past (well at least having sex with someone else right away)... .and that's why she is suddenly good with not breaking the NC like she always has in the past. I know it's not healthy thinking. Hopefully I'll get through this time without recycling.

[drained1996]

Righteous, I feel for you and your pain.  Stay the course your logical mind has set before you.  Someone asked me in here recently if I had come to terms with the fact that my ex was disordered and what that really means.  Have you? 

I know the loneliness and not understanding it for what it really was, helped keep me on the recycle path for far too long.  Comprehending that it was MY issue and had nothing to do with her made me focus more on myself and own my issues. I had to learn tools for me to deal with my emptiness.   Loneliness is a powerful feeling that we all must learn to manage.  Keep your head up and your feet on the path you have put before yourself.  Things do get better.

[RighteousAnger]

Righteous, I feel for you and your pain.  Stay the course your logical mind has set before you.  Someone asked me in here recently if I had come to terms with the fact that my ex was disordered and what that really means.  Have you? 

I know the loneliness and not understanding it for what it really was, helped keep me on the recycle path for far too long.  Comprehending that it was MY issue and had nothing to do with her made me focus more on myself and own my issues. I had to learn tools for me to deal with my emptiness.   Loneliness is a powerful feeling that we all must learn to manage.  Keep your head up and your feet on the path you have put before yourself.  Things do get better.

Yeah, I haven't come to terms that my ex is disordered. I mean yeah, obviously I know she is and know she suffers from it... .but coming to terms with it, probably not. Doing my best to focus on my issues and what I need to do. Thanks for the support... .it helps to hear similar stories and successful breakups from these dysfunctional relationships.