Boyfriend has left again. I need help making sense of this.

[Pcarter]

I met the man of my dreams four years ago this month.  We had the best time together.  He mad me feel so awesome.  We fell madly in love with each other.  I noticed some strange things about him but I just told myself that everyone is strange at some point.  I had been married for 28 years before meeting my dream guy.  I caught him after 9 months of being together talking to another girl through text messaging.   He promised that he would never do it again.  Well to make a long story short we have been together for 4 years on and off.  He has left me 4 times in those 4 years.  Usually for about 3 to 4 months he will stay gone.  He has talked to many woman through this time.  He has been diagnosed with BPD.  He tried to commit suicide while we were not together so guess who went and helped him?  Me! We have been together this last time since last February.  Everything has been pretty good with some ups and downs.  He started getting distance about 3 weeks ago and I knew what was coming.  He has been gone for about a week.  He tells me one day that wants to work it out be then he doesn't speak to me.  I am so frustrated with it all.  I need advice.  By the way he is on medication and it does help but he will stop taking it for no reason.  Please help! :'(

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Pcarter,

Welcome and hello 

I'm sorry for what brings you here, and glad you found the site. It must've been very scary for you when he attempted suicide. Was he diagnosed BPD as a result? Does he accept the diagnosis?

BPD has a lot of impulsivity tied into it, and an unstable sense of self. It's very possible he meant what he said one day, and then had a different impulse another day. If he felt shame, it's also possible he did what he could to escape the feelings and in order to do so, found fault with you as a way to make a clean break. Until some later point in time when those feelings had abated. It's a complicated disorder, and it takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured by the behaviors.

I have read that men with BPD tend to externalize the anxiety in ways you describe.

Does he tend to pull away when there is an increase in intimacy? What are the nature of the ups and downs you describe?

LnL

[Pcarter]

His ups and downs are from being very out going to not talking at all.  He will just shut down.  He sleeps a lot and always makes me feel like the bad person.  He blocked me tonight from calling or texting

[an0ught]

Hello Pcarter,

don't blame yourself for him running away  . It sounds like there are established patterns in reaching out to other women and running away (shutting down or trying suicide) when overwhelmed. These are hard to deal with  .

His ups and downs are from being very out going to not talking at all.  He will just shut down.  He sleeps a lot and always makes me feel like the bad person.

A pwBPD will act in a way that their inner feelings are felt by their partner. This is called transference and while we all do it all the time it goes to extremes with pwBPD. You are not a bad person and he does not truly believe you are a bad person. But when he feels bad it helps him if you suffer too so he makes you suffer. He can't help himself as instincts have taken over. There are strategies to protect yourself from his behavior and to support him to a degree keeping more level. You find starting points to them in the LESSONS post.

He blocked me tonight from calling or texting

So he may or may not return. You may or may not welcome him again. Whatever - you will benefit from focusing on yourself and getting grounded by other relationships around you. Posting may help too. At the moment you have time and space to think and learn.

Are you in contact and if how do you communicate? How are you doing right now and what have you done lately for yourself?

[Pcarter]

Hello Pcarter,

don't blame yourself for him running away  . It sounds like there are established patterns in reaching out to other women and running away (shutting down or trying suicide) when overwhelmed. These are hard to deal with  .

His ups and downs are from being very out going to not talking at all.  He will just shut down.  He sleeps a lot and always makes me feel like the bad person.

A pwBPD will act in a way that their inner feelings are felt by their partner. This is called transference and while we all do it all the time it goes to extremes with pwBPD. You are not a bad person and he does not truly believe you are a bad person. But when he feels bad it helps him if you suffer too so he makes you suffer. He can't help himself as instincts have taken over. There are strategies to protect yourself from his behavior and to support him to a degree keeping more level. You find starting points to them in the LESSONS post.

He blocked me tonight from calling or texting

So he may or may not return. You may or may not welcome him again. Whatever - you will benefit from focusing on yourself and getting grounded by other relationships around you. Posting may help too. At the moment you have time and space to think and learn.

Are you in contact and if how do you communicate? How are you doing right now and what have you done lately for yourself?

He just recently contacted me because he was really ugly to my son.  He told me how much he loved me and missed me.  That was 2 days ago.  I have not heard anything since then! 

[Hopeful07]

My boyfriend does the same thing and I'm right in the middle of it again.  Feels awful. You are not alone

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Pcarter, What is it that keeps you in the r/s, despite all the break-up/make-ups?  Maybe the answer will help you to find the right path.

LuckyJim