How much is the BPD and how much is her choices?

[sad_soul]

I'm having a hard time drawing the line between what's the mental illness (BPD) and what's her choices... .and also how to hold her accountable for her choices and actions when her choices and actions are dictated by her mental illness?

I guess my question is - is everything she does because of the BPD?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Honey B]

I am really keen to read the replies to this. It is the question I have most struggled with-what to excuse because of the illness and what to hold her accountable for.

I think knowing about BPD helps us to understand what lies behind some of the behavior but sometimes I think I have allowed behavior that is really unacceptable and this has been unhelpful.

[lbjnltx]

It does help to recognize that some things are more difficult for our children to navigate.  Does "difficult" = not responsible?



lbj

[michmom]

Hi sad_soul,

In my experience with my 16 yr old daughter I too struggle to understand the difference between normal adolescent behavior and BPD traits. Many are the same. I am not an expert and for me, I have given up trying to determine what is "normal" verses "abnormal". What is BPD behavior and what is not?  Instead, I have choosen to focus my goal on how to help my daughter by mirroring behavior and skills that I can display that I want her to learn for herself. i,e. In DBT training, we are learning skills to get to "wise mindedness". To first minimize emotional responses to what is going on around us and to take a thoughtful approach to control impulses that often times make matters worse. I cannot solve her emotional problems or change them.  Only she can do that and she didn't learn that in the past.  We are doing a step by step DBT program adapted for adolescents.  The skill exercises are helping. The program book is DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents by Jill H. Rathus and Alec L. Miller. Teaching by example might be the ticket for some of our children. good luck to you.