My Story

[drained1996]

It started just as we have all read about... .8 months of honeymoon and idealization, mirroring.  Blinded by ignorance and the giddy feelings of love I would just walk over the obvious red flags.  I did begin to put up boundaries as I noticed we were unhealthy in the amount of time we spent together which we both openly discussed and agreed... .Then the rages began, the splitting black, then white, etc.  I'm guessing this went on for 4-5 months before we both agreed some counseling was needed.  She seemed to understand what she was doing and how she was feeling were not "right".  Luckily I had previous experience with a wonderful T from my turmoil with the exW.  Open minded she went, my hand in hers and he asked why we were there, and she admitted because she was crazy.  Fast forward 6 months or so, and one visit a week... .sometimes with me sometimes I had to work, but she would tape the sessions.  All the while, the rages and splits continued, but progress was being made.  She could regulate a little better... .but this did me little good.  Let's say she encountered 75 possible triggers in a 3-5 day period, she was learning to regulate say 25+ and not dysregulate.  In the end, one of those triggers past 25+and the same cycle would begin... .literally every 3-5 days.  I was still by her side, but by this time I'm worn... .drained... .exhausted.  But she is still in therapy so there I stay.  We are getting to the core of her deep secrets with the T... .childhood sexual abuse, little parental guidance/protection... .and then it comes out with me sitting next to her on the couch... .her father... .inappropriate contact... .and that's the beginning of the end.  By this time she had been in therapy about a year and a half.  She knew what she had to do, as I heard her say her father died that day... .but ultimately he didn't.  She kept him in her life.  Sometime soon after she started missing sessions, and then quit all together. 

As gut wrenchingly close as she came... .she just quit... .saying she was all better now, and all our problems... .were me.  I wish I could've reached inside her and pulled out the demons as she wanted them gone.  But now, the illness is in full force towards me.  She never wanted things to end, but I had nothing more in me as I had poured all my love in to a black hole.  Closing in on 2 years, I'm a good bit better now. There was some LC during the last years, but it's been full NC a while now. Have I had, and do I have anger?... .damn right.  Something so precious to me and so loving and kind hearted seemed ripped from my very body.  Exposing my soul and my kind and nurturing heart to the dichotomy of this disorder.  I've never been loved as hard, and I've also never been hated as hard by someone I loved.  In hind site I can see how all this transpired much more clearly... .while in the FOG the timetable was impossible to see as I was almost blind.  It was excruciatingly hard to see her so close yet let the illness win... .in the end it was her choice to step away from her course of treatment and keep her demons within. 

I've continued with my T once every 4-6 weeks, have been that way for 2 years now.  I'm still not ready for another relationship, though I feel close to healthy enough most times.  This board has been a tremendous help to me for a while now, but only recently have a posted.  A big thanks to everyone here. 

[drained1996]

Having looked back at this, I can see where one could make the assumption I thought she would "be cured" if she hadn't stumbled where she did.  I'm very well aware that would not have been the case and life with her still would have been turbulent and difficult, and possibly still impossible.  She was just so strong to try and genuinely WANTED to get better.  I wanted/want her to get better... .for her... .

Has anyone else had similar circumstances?

[Meili]

Has anyone else had similar circumstances?

I can only wish that my x had even the slightest interest in getting better. I hope that yours finds here way back to doing the work that she needs to do.

[schwing]

... .By this time she had been in therapy about a year and a half.  She knew what she had to do, as I heard her say her father died that day... .but ultimately he didn't.  She kept him in her life.  Sometime soon after she started missing sessions, and then quit all together. 

As gut wrenchingly close as she came... .she just quit... .saying she was all better now, and all our problems... .were me.  I wish I could've reached inside her and pulled out the demons as she wanted them gone.  But now, the illness is in full force towards me. 

Wow.  I am impressed that you were able to stay with her while she was discovering all this about herself in therapy.  It is a shame that she got so close to looking into perhaps the root of her issues.  But you cannot save a person from themselves.  She decided that as broken as she felt before the therapy started, it is preferable to remain that way, than to go down that rabbit hole.

Honestly I think that the amount of work and pain it would take to move to the next "stage" of recovery would dwarf the work she already put in and make it look like a cake-walk in comparison.  I sometimes cannot blame people with BPD (pwBPD) for coming to this realization and turning around to run away.

Sometimes I wonder how many of the BPD loved ones described her in these forums have been through exactly that.  And choose to believe there must be another way, an easier way.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[joeramabeme]

Having looked back at this, I can see where one could make the assumption I thought she would "be cured" if she hadn't stumbled where she did.  I'm very well aware that would not have been the case and life with her still would have been turbulent and difficult, and possibly still impossible.  She was just so strong to try and genuinely WANTED to get better.  I wanted/want her to get better... .for her... .

Has anyone else had similar circumstances?

Sorry to hear what you have gone through drained1996.  I think your conclusion has merit; "life with her still would have been turbulent and difficult, and possibly still impossible". 

When I first got here (to BPD Family), I had a tendency to think of BPD as something akin to depression or measles; that it could be treated in some specific way to address the core issue.  Although there are successful cases of BPD recovery; they are not all that common.  Part of what I learned in my education about BP is that it is characterological; that is to say, that the disorder is who they are.  They embody the disorder and the disorder embodies them.  Inextricable in many ways.  Part of the BP recovery-process would be, in essence, trying to see yourself in a way for which you have no reference.  pwBPD don't know another way of being themselves, it is the character of BPD.

I say all that, in an attempt to help contextualize where she was/is at. 

Are you able to accept that your ex has a disorder?  That in many cases is incurable?

JRB

[drained1996]

schwing, I agree, the next steps were the tasks I think she just COULDN"T deal with as much as she wanted to.  Especially with me and our tattered/almost toxic relationship at the time.  I should've left long before that, but looking back, I don't think she would've made it near as far as she did without me holding her hand. 

I felt I owed her my support, as long as she was genuinely trying.

Yes JRB, I accepted that a good while ago.  I know the disordered will remain that way the rest of their lives to some degree, and as drained as I was I don't think I could've made it down the rabbit hole with her even if she decided that route.  My love tank was on empty and she had none to give.