Realizing you had other BPDs in your Life after relationship

[ScotisGone74]

Im now a few years out of a BPD relationship, and Ive managed to come to terms with it at this point as much as I can, but really now Im starting to come to grips that I grew up with family that were BPD/npd.    I know now that this made me suseptible to a BPD relationship and I was easy prey so to speak.   It really now just gives me alot of anger towards my FOO to still be behaving in this manner today, especially after dealing with the whole mess of exBPD relationship.   I dont know , Im just kind of at a loss on staying NC with my family.   Has anyone else had to go NC with family members after having a BPD relationship?    Thanks for the replies.

[hergestridge]

Im now a few years out of a BPD relationship, and Ive managed to come to terms with it at this point as much as I can, but really now Im starting to come to grips that I grew up with family that were BPD/npd.    I know now that this made me suseptible to a BPD relationship and I was easy prey so to speak.   It really now just gives me alot of anger towards my FOO to still be behaving in this manner today, especially after dealing with the whole mess of exBPD relationship.   I dont know , Im just kind of at a loss on staying NC with my family.   Has anyone else had to go NC with family members after having a BPD relationship?    Thanks for the replies.

Not NC, but I have learnt that I can't have a very close relation with my dad, who is quite clearly BPD. I spent much of my childhood trying to make him happy. I could never rely on him for safety or comfort. I never felt that he was there for me when I needed him. I jumped through hoops for him but to no avail. I could never foresee his mood swings and that made my stomach ache.

My mum put up with it and she still does. They are old people now and not likely to change.

My dad can be very affectionate, but it only makes me uncomfortable because his affection is frail and elusive.

In later years I have forced myself to be honest with myself. I don't like my dad very much and it has been a problem all my life that I really wanted to like him. And for him to like me.

I repeated that with my wife. A fantasy of mutuality and reciprocity when there was in fact none. I can live with imaginary things. That's one of my weaknesses.

[joeramabeme]

Im now a few years out of a BPD relationship, and Ive managed to come to terms with it at this point as much as I can, but really now Im starting to come to grips that I grew up with family that were BPD/npd.    I know now that this made me suseptible to a BPD relationship and I was easy prey so to speak.   It really now just gives me alot of anger towards my FOO to still be behaving in this manner today, especially after dealing with the whole mess of exBPD relationship.   I dont know , Im just kind of at a loss on staying NC with my family.   Has anyone else had to go NC with family members after having a BPD relationship?    Thanks for the replies.

Similar story to yours except  began to realize the "something was not right" with my mother before I knew about BPD.  My mother and father have passed but I still feel anger for what I am left with.  Tough place to be because it was not their fault and they certainly did not have the tools or resources like we have today.  Kind of feels like life dealt some stinky cards that I can't get rid of - nor could they.

I have 5 other siblings and have LC with 1 and NC with the other 4.  I recently went to dinner with the LC - 2nd meeting over 2 months since 10 years NC from her part.  Divorce is still fresh for me and I was trying to explain some about BP to her and realized how I was likely explaining traits that she possess and there is no way she would be able to understand.  Now that is insane.

I do think coming from knowledge leaves us in a position where we are suddenly in the aware zone and life can't be the way it used to be.  Not sure if that is any better than not knowing as both knowing and not knowing create untenable distance and discomfort that cannot be overcome -only accepted or left behind. 

[ScotisGone74]

I guess the thing is that being in a BPD ex relationship has left me with a very low tolerance for crazy drama bulls$]!t relations with people, to include my family.   Ive been putting up with alot of that and fog manipulation by my mom for many many years and at this point Im no longer willing to do it.  My dad just runs away from it all in a depressed state where he pretends to not know anything.     They are getting older and more pitiful by the day so I dont think I could always be NC with them, but I do plan to limit the contact.

I always thought after the end of the exBPD relationship that was the worst thing in the world to be discarded while they hop off into the sunset with the replacement, but now seeing several of the poor souls who have been married to a Bpd for twenty years or longer

Up close I think we got the better end of the deal.

[john83]

Im now a few years out of a BPD relationship, and Ive managed to come to terms with it at this point as much as I can, but really now Im starting to come to grips that I grew up with family that were BPD/npd.    I know now that this made me suseptible to a BPD relationship and I was easy prey so to speak.   It really now just gives me alot of anger towards my FOO to still be behaving in this manner today, especially after dealing with the whole mess of exBPD relationship.   I dont know , Im just kind of at a loss on staying NC with my family.   Has anyone else had to go NC with family members after having a BPD relationship?    Thanks for the replies.

Not NC, but I have learnt that I can't have a very close relation with my dad, who is quite clearly BPD. I spent much of my childhood trying to make him happy. I could never rely on him for safety or comfort. I never felt that he was there for me when I needed him. I jumped through hoops for him but to no avail. I could never foresee his mood swings and that made my stomach ache.

My mum put up with it and she still does. They are old people now and not likely to change.

My dad can be very affectionate, but it only makes me uncomfortable because his affection is frail and elusive.

In later years I have forced myself to be honest with myself. I don't like my dad very much and it has been a problem all my life that I really wanted to like him. And for him to like me.

I repeated that with my wife. A fantasy of mutuality and reciprocity when there was in fact none. I can live with imaginary things. That's one of my weaknesses.

Hi Scotisgone,

I've recently split with my girlfriend, and I'm currently going through the motions... .not pleasant, but not uncommon. No contact for over a month. There's little to be gained by recounting my experience here, but it's so strikingly similar to the majority on this forum that I've come to the 'conclusion' that she is in fact BPD, despite knowing that it's wrong to form a home-spun diagnosis.

What has dawned on me, is that it's not the first time I've dated a pwBPD or someone who exhibits traits. It was a good fifteen years ago, so some of the details are a bit misty, but looking back, she was very similar to my recent ex... .a real game-player, passive-aggressive, Jekyll and Hyde. She knew exactly which buttons to press and didn't hold back on the blame game. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I came very close to strangling her one evening, after a particularly abusive tirade... .there but by the grace of god go a lot of folk, who didn't stop themselves, before it was too late.

I'm not a violent man by any stretch of the imagination, but I was so bent out of shape by the insidious abuse and character assassination, I guess I 'lost the plot' momentarily. Fortunately, this last relationship never came to blows, although the psychological wounds are equally painful. Moreover, it highlights the fact that I'm obviously susceptible to the charms of pwBPD, which demands that I need to understand why, to avoid repeating the same mistakes (again!)

If I could point to some childhood template I would, but in my mind atleast, I have only fond memories of a stable, loving upbringing, with both parents present. This seems to contradict the most commonly cited reasons why certain people are attracted to pwBPD, which begs the questions, why did I not recognize the signs from the outset when I fell for my latest partner, and just as importantly, why in heavens's name did I stay so long, when I 'knew' it was toxic and damaging?

   

[joeramabeme]

why did I not recognize the signs from the outset when I fell for my latest partner, and just as importantly, why in heavens's name did I stay so long, when I 'knew' it was toxic and damaging?

Hey John83, just a thought, but have you ever analyzed your parents relationship to one another, rather than their relationship to you?  Were there signs present there?  I ask as it seems unlikely to come from an environment where a healthy r/s is modeled and then stay subject to such bad behaviors that would seem so far out of your norm.

[john83]

why did I not recognize the signs from the outset when I fell for my latest partner, and just as importantly, why in heavens's name did I stay so long, when I 'knew' it was toxic and damaging?

Hey John83, just a thought, but have you ever analyzed your parents relationship to one another, rather than their relationship to you?  Were there signs present there?  I ask as it seems unlikely to come from an environment where a healthy r/s is modeled and then stay subject to such bad behaviors that would seem so far out of your norm.

It's an interesting thought! I can't say I have to be honest. I know that my dad had a temper and my mum was the primary care giver, but I never saw them fight or argue, although they must've done every now and then. The only thing that stays with me from childhood was that I never felt that my old man was truly proud of me... .I got into the usual trouble as a kid... .nothing serious, but I know it must've disappointed him. Later in life, I became a professional musician and played all over the world... .he was a excellent amateur Jazz clarinetist/saxophonist as a young man and he'd tell all his muso mates when I was off touring, what venues I'd be playing... .but he never told me to my face how proud he was! He'd always see it as a temporary thing until I got a 'proper job'

Maybe there's some mileage in it, but I don't see my relationships with either of my parents as out of the ordinary, nor is there anything obvious from early on that I witnessed regarding their relationship to one another.

My dad died, suddenly, five years ago. It was a real shock, but I remember a distinct feeling, shortly afterwards, that there wasn't anything left unresolved or unsaid between us, as adults... .he wasn't my 'best mate', but someone who I had a great deal of respect for

[eeks]

Im now a few years out of a BPD relationship, and Ive managed to come to terms with it at this point as much as I can, but really now Im starting to come to grips that I grew up with family that were BPD/npd.    I know now that this made me suseptible to a BPD relationship and I was easy prey so to speak.   It really now just gives me alot of anger towards my FOO to still be behaving in this manner today, especially after dealing with the whole mess of exBPD relationship.   I dont know , Im just kind of at a loss on staying NC with my family.   Has anyone else had to go NC with family members after having a BPD relationship?    Thanks for the replies.

Hi ScotisGone,

If I understand correctly, your experience recovering from an adult relationship with a pwBPD caused you to learn (or maybe you knew about the issues before, but are now acknowledging them in more depth) that you grew up with family members who had BPD, NPD or traits of those disorders.  

I am currently LC with my parents and sister (only communicating when it is necessary or on holidays).  I do not believe either of my parents has a personality disorder, but I think my father has narcissistic traits, both my grandfathers had NPD or traits, and my mom tends towards codependent behaviours but she also likely has complex PTSD and one of her ways of dealing with fear was/is to become controlling and authoritarian, both towards herself and towards me.  My former therapist said that my sister's compulsive neatness/cleaning is her way of coping with "messy emotions" and that pretty much sums up her stance on emotions (she has almost no empathy for me).  

I don't see this as lasting forever, but right now my stance on it is that my family are too immersed in their own survival/coping mindsets to truly understand or help me, and what often ends up happening when we get together is that we play out old roles/dramas.  My former T also said my family use me as a "lightning rod", I told him that made me think of scapegoating, he said it was "projective identification".  My understanding of this is that there's some things they don't want to feel, or don't want to admit they feel, so they act in such a way so as to provoke me to feel those feelings, then they get to point at me and say "what is she reacting like that for?"  

You have the right to feel angry about how your parents behaved in the past, how that had a negative impact on your life.  You also have the right to feel angry when you see them still behaving that way today.  Unfortunately, though, even if you find a way to constructively express that anger to your parents or other family members, they, like my family, may be too immersed in their own patterns of emotion or emotion avoidance to be able to truly "hear" you.  I've grown well past my family in emotional awareness, but not far enough yet to be able to be around them without getting drawn back into old patterns of relating.

And so, NC is a difficult choice, but for reasons similar to what I have said, or other reasons, it may be the right choice for you right now.  And I think it's important to keep in mind that it doesn't need to be permanent.

A skilled therapist would be able to hear and validate your anger.  Have you seen one?  Friends who are comfortable with their own healthy anger/boundaries can help too.  

[Lucky Jim]

now Im starting to come to grips that I grew up with family that were BPD/npd.    I know now that this made me suseptible to a BPD relationship and I was easy prey so to speak.   

Great topic, Scotisgone.  I walked on eggshells with a mother who would, without warning, blow her top and throw an emotional fit.  It was scary for us as kids.  Then I married my BPDxW, an abusive alcoholic with hair-trigger emotions and frequent rages.  Go figure.  You're right: my childhood made me susceptible to a pwBPD, which is a great thing to realize in the aftermath of my marriage.  You could say I was hardwired for a BPD r/s.  Now I'm a lot stronger after going through the ring of fire and don't need NC with my mother, who is now quite elderly.  Same for my Ex, with whom I'm LC.  Suggest that there might be an opportunity for growth with your FOO, which might be a reason to avoid NC.

LuckyJim

[ScotisGone74]

My parents are now about 65 years old, so they are not going to change at this point.   I have kids of my own now and I really don't see how it serves them any way positive to be caught in the three ring circus with my FOO.  I'm the type of person that would bend over backwards to help someone out, but at some point when I have been ground to ashes and walked over and then it starts to involve my kids with the same treatment, we'll I'm done, as in finished completely.  I'm not trying to teach a lesson to them, because frankly they wouldn't get it anyway, I just don't want to be around them and be involved living a life that is miserable.     I am stronger now and whatever they could say would have no effect at this point, but that doesn't mean I want to hear it or be involved.