Is it a good idea to ask for my cat back?

[asphyx]

I broke up with my BPD ex 4 days ago because she cheated on me, telling her it was over, giving her all her stuff and going no contact since.

We had a cat for 4 years, it was her idea to get one and she paid for it, so I guess technically it's hers. But I took good care of it and became very attached to it over the years.

After I broke up with her and was dropping off her stuff, I asked her if she wanted the cat and she said yes, so I let her have it. A few hours later, she called my mum (because I was ignoring her calls) and told her that she couldn't take care of the cat, and that she was going to hand it in the pound if I didn't come get it. My mum assumed she was lying to get a reaction, so she told her "sorry, but we can't take the cat".

Now I really regret giving it back, I loved the cat so much. I worry that she will not be able to take care of it properly because she doesn't have a stable house to live in at the moment. She took good care of the cat (well 99% of the time) while she was with me, but I don't know if she's just going to flip or 'paint it black' and neglect it. The cat did nothing wrong so it doesn't deserve to suffer in any way.

I really miss the cat, I would do anything to have it back, but don't know if it's worth trying to contact my ex, or when to contact her, or what exactly to say. I have a feeling she would say she wants the cat just to spite me, because she knows I want it. Or that she will just say no because she hates me for going no contact. However she might not want to keep it since she is more pre-occupied with her new sociopath boytoy that doesn't have an interest in cats.

My ex hasn't tried to contact me since she randomly appeared at my house 2 days ago in hysterics. So I am kinda scared to break no contact in case she starts harassing and insulting me again. I just want the cat and to be done with her.

Thoughts?

[C.Stein]

That's a tough one asphyx.  I know how attached you can become to a pet.  Personally I would try to get the cat just because I wouldn't want it to suffer and/or end up at the pound.  You have to weight the cost to benefits here and make the decision that is best for you.

[gotbushels]

Hi asphyx 

I'm sorry to hear about what happened in the relationship. I'd be concerned with how you're feeling as I've been in a similar situation to you. My ex and I kept animals so I needed some way to handle this at the time. It can be very personal. I agree with C.Stein that you should consider cost/benefits.

I would consider these:

• Treat it as seriously as any major issue you dealt with whilst with her--this includes contingencies and preparing for the BP's reactions to your plan;



• Decide quickly--the longer you leave it, the greater the risk of the cat being neglected; and



• Decide how to avoid prolonging the "loose end" dangling.

When you are satisfied with how you have handled it, then have a clear plan to recommit to NC. Ironically, the lesson to control ourselves (Improving board) applies even more here: be very clear about what you are doing at this point. NC is often even harder than drama in a relationship.

I don't know how many times you've done a breakup cycle, but here's the most obvious worst case I can see:

• The premise of the breakup was cheating. That premise seems a relatively huge reason for you to cleanly, emphatically, and strictly sever a BP relationship.



• The issue: if you break NC here, it sets a precedent of a broken "NC commitment" by you to yourself, thereby potentially allowing it to be much easier for her to make you break such future commitments to yourself.

Based on that worst case--I think you should take it seriously and don't look at it as simply a cat.

Good luck and I hope you find rest:)

[Skip]

After I broke up with her and was dropping off her stuff, I asked her if she wanted the cat and she said yes, so I let her have it. A few hours later, she called my mum (because I was ignoring her calls) and told her that she couldn't take care of the cat, and that she was going to hand it in the pound if I didn't come get it. My mum assumed she was lying to get a reaction, so she told her "sorry, but we can't take the cat".

Right now, people are saying what they don't mean to send messages to each other. In other words, drama.

Take the drama away (hard, I know as this is an emotional time).  Its her cat.  You (or maybe better, your mom) can say that you are very happy to provide a home for the cat if she wants to do that.  I suggest you mom might be best to do this as she is one degree removed from the drama.

No drama is good.

As for the relationship - you have been stung and it hurts and you need to care for yourself.  Your feelings are going to vacillate and change over the coming months, so its best to not lock on or limit your options.  For example, you don't have to erect a monument to "no contact" - all you need to say is that you need some space to sort out your feelings - you can even say "we'll talk later" - kick the can down the road.

No drama is good.

This is hard stuff right now. Know that we'll be here to walk with you.

[Herodias]

Tell her you heard she asked your Mother if you could take the cat... .tell her you talked her into it (if this is the case) and take the cat! My ex told me he couldn't keep the cat and I have him... .he is much better off with me. Even though his new gf got him a new cat... .I am attached to this one as well and know how he is with animals. Controlling and treats them badly when he is drunk.  The new cat is her problem. I would break contact over an animal I was attached to. But only for that reason.

[sweet tooth]

In that situation you're d*** right I would try to get my cat back. That cat shouldn't have to suffer in a pound and/or get euthanized because your girlfriend is an incompetent nut job.

[gotbushels]

In that situation you're d*** right I would try to get my cat back. That cat shouldn't have to suffer in a pound and/or get euthanized because your girlfriend is an incompetent nut job.

Sweet tooth--to balance this out, I'd look at the first clause of the sentence as closer to fact, and the second clause as asphyx's supposition:

She took good care of the cat (well 99% of the time) while she was with me, but I don't know if she's just going to flip or 'paint it black' and neglect it.

Also:

Its her cat.

To put some perspective on this, I owned the animals in my situation. Ex tried to foist them from me despite me being clear custodian of them.

[sweet tooth]

In that situation you're d*** right I would try to get my cat back. That cat shouldn't have to suffer in a pound and/or get euthanized because your girlfriend is an incompetent nut job.

Sweet tooth--to balance this out, I'd look at the first clause of the sentence as closer to fact, and the second clause as asphyx's supposition:

She took good care of the cat (well 99% of the time) while she was with me, but I don't know if she's just going to flip or 'paint it black' and neglect it.

Also:

Its her cat.

To put some perspective on this, I owned the animals in my situation. Ex tried to foist them from me despite me being clear custodian of them.

I'm an animal guy. I wouldn't risk the cat being painted black on ethical grounds. That's just me. If she doesn't want the cat anymore, then the OP should be able to claim the cat.