Physical Violence by BPD ex wife.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

As a male victim of physical abuse by my ex, I have noticed a number of other males coming rather sheepishly to the realisation that they are abused. I actually didn't consider it abuse at the time. Somehow society is not readily able to acknowledge or accept female on male violence.

Whether it's female on male or male on female, it is wrong. Do not be a victim. I recognise the potential shame and stigma attached to it. Please reach out for help anyway?

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

In 2010, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released data from its National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey — and one of the most shocking statistics... .roughly 5,365,000 men had been victims of intimate partner physical violence in the previous 12 months, compared with 4,741,000 women. By the study’s definition, physical violence includes slapping, pushing, and shoving.

More severe threats like being beaten, burned, choked, kicked, slammed with a heavy object, or hit with a fist were also tracked. Roughly 40 percent of the victims of severe physical violence were men. The CDC repeated the survey in 2011, the results of which were published in 2014, and found almost identical numbers — with the percentage of male severe physical violence victims slightly rising.

[Moselle]

As a male victim of physical abuse by my ex, I have noticed a number of other males coming rather sheepishly to the realisation that they are abused. I actually didn't consider it abuse at the time. Somehow society is not readily able to acknowledge or accept female on male violence.

Whether it's female on male or male on female, it is wrong. Do not be a victim. I recognise the potential shame and stigma attached to it. Please reach out for help anyway?

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

In 2010, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released data from its National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey — and one of the most shocking statistics... .roughly 5,365,000 men had been victims of intimate partner physical violence in the previous 12 months, compared with 4,741,000 women. By the study’s definition, physical violence includes slapping, pushing, and shoving.

More severe threats like being beaten, burned, choked, kicked, slammed with a heavy object, or hit with a fist were also tracked. Roughly 40 percent of the victims of severe physical violence were men. The CDC repeated the survey in 2011, the results of which were published in 2014, and found almost identical numbers — with the percentage of male severe physical violence victims slightly rising.

[Rannan]

Funnily enough, I just made a post today alluding to my physically abusive relationship with my ex in another thread.

It is true that violence against men is an issue that tends to be swept under the rug or belittled in importance. I have suffered many black eyes, scratches on my face and neck, and scars due to the beatings my ex would give me. She would sit on my chest and punch me in the face until I was swollen and pulpy and then put makeup on me to attempt to hide the marks so I could go to work. She would stab me with scissors and hold knives to my throat when in a rage. She would shove her fingers down my throat because I was crying and she wanted it to stop. She would beat me with whatever she had in her hand at the time of her being angry, whether it was a plate or an umbrella she would break it on me. All these things from the person who says that they love you, and how sorry they are when it happens. Ultimately, I'm a stereotype for staying in such a clearly dangerous and toxic relationship, and I'm just lucky I got out when I did, before I moved to England to be stuck with her and her abusive behavior for the rest of my life, isolated away from my family and the people who truly care for me.

It happens everyday around us, and I know men who are abused but do not speak up about their abuse in fear of not being believed or being ridiculed. Safe spaces exist primarily for women and shun away men who may be in need of help as well, and even now I feel stuck taking care of my mental health on my own. Even talking to friends or family can be difficult as it takes a very open and non-judgmental person to be able to grasp this seemingly obvious concept that anyone being abuse by anyone else is wrong, regardless of gender.

Thank you for this post, and anything that brings more awareness to domestic abuse and all the forms it takes is important and should be commended. I just hope for my fellow abused men that we are soon going to be more socially accepted and supported in our times of need. It makes the healing process all the more difficult.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Moselle, Great topic!  Sure, I was the object of my BPDxW's abusive behavior.  I don't say that sheepishly, because I think the word needs to get out: women abuse men.  Domestic violence is a terrible thing, no matter whether the abuser is male or female.  It erodes one's self-esteem and leads to self-loathing and depression.  It leads to feelings of helplessness.  How can this happen to a man?  Yet it does all the time, much more than we know.

LuckyJim

[Moselle]

Hi Rannan,

Well done for being open about it. This is one of those safe places where we can ask for support and receive it.

Ironically, the society we talk about which is dismissive is mostly male society. We feel shame at feeling, or being perceived as weak. Most women are accepting of it.

And shame is a very corrosive and dangerous thing to harbour. It affects our whole person, and is at the heart of addiction and violence.

The way to rid ourselves of its debilitating effects is, ironically to write about it or talk about it. Once its externalised, brought out into the open, it loses its stranglehold.

Excellent

[JerryRG]

My exgf beat on me a few times, I didn't fight back knowing I would probably end up in jail. She grabbed my steering wheel once and tried to make me crash. Red Flag? I still forgave her and stayed.

I know she would have tried much more if I wasn't able to read her mood changing and leave before she became violent. I remember one night she pointed her finger at me like she was holding a gun and pulled the trigger. The look in her eye showed her hatred for me, she tried to kill my spirit, I'm glad she didn't do any more.

[Moselle]

Domestic violence is a terrible thing, no matter whether the abuser is male or female.  It erodes one's self-esteem and leads to self-loathing and depression.  It leads to feelings of helplessness. 

[steelwork]

I'm so sorry to hear what you guys have been through. Neither sex has a monopoly on violence. And let me say, as a woman, that I find it beyond disgusting that other women would use their perceived physical disadvantage as a cover for violent abuse (or any abuse).

[Lucky Jim]

I'm so sorry to hear what you guys have been through. Neither sex has a monopoly on violence. And let me say, as a woman, that I find it beyond disgusting that other women would use their perceived physical disadvantage as a cover for violent abuse (or any abuse).

Nicely said, steelwork.  My BPDxW would get violent with me and then threaten to call the police to report me for assault!  Just another of her manipulations, using the fear of getting arrested to control me.  I called her bluff and told her to go ahead and that the Police would smell the alcohol on her breath, which made her rethink it.

Moselle:

The way to rid ourselves of its debilitating effects is, ironically to write about it or talk about it. Once its externalised, brought out into the open, it loses its stranglehold.

Totally agree.  My BPDxW punched a hole in the wall; dumped a gallon of water on my head when I was sleeping on the couch after an argument; broke down a door after I locked myself and my son in a bedroom to escape her rage; dumped all my business clothes on the front lawn when I went for a walk to take a break from one of her tantrums; smashed family heirlooms (antique serving tray, framed photos of my family); threw a wine bottle at me; cut herself and spread the blood on me while I was sleeping; etc.  You can't make this s**t up.  Happy to share with you, friends, because you know the reality of BPD.

LuckyJim

[AwakenedOne]

My uBPD/uNPD/undiagnosed other disorders/ ex "wife" did sneak-sucker type attacks. I can't remember her doing anything straight forward amazingly enough after thinking back at the sum of the hell she unleashed. I'll list a few. Such as being knee'd in the back while in bed, rage attacked while asleep or when I was very sick. I didn't accept any of this, there were always repercussions for her without going into the details in this thread. She never changed and things only got worse though. I really don't like thinking about any of this now but I am forcing myself to so I may contribute to this thread to help anyone. Also I will add that I believe if somebody attacks scratches, stabs, kicks, hits or anything similar to it to you once they should never get another chance to do it again. Unfortunately she started this behavior after we were married and I had taken vows to God which I was obligated to fulfill. The Bible stated two reasons for divorce and this stuff didn't fit into the two reasons. She deserted though and did me an unintentional favor. When I think back to some of our marriage it is a horror movie. Being followed by a maniac woman at night in our car as I try to take a relaxing walk in our nice neighborhood for some peace, taking a walk made her angrier. It's amazing how something can go from the most beautiful relationship ever into a horror movie. Walking 5 miles home to avoid riding in a car with her when she was capable of intentionally or unintentionally killing us in a rage. She would frequently "drive angry". Screaming with a high pitch voice. Sleeping on the sofa with the AC unit turned off so as to have no operating noise of the unit while I slept so I could hear if she sneaked up on me and tried to kill me in the night regarding a rage about what? Lets see what was that one about? I don't know, just disordered nonsense.    

Some here say the Borderlines were "a gift" to us so we can learn. I don't believe anything that comes with abuse is a gift. You can make the best of things though and create a better life for yourself as a result though from this. Nothing she did was a gift to me. God gave me the gift of being free from her without me dying instead. I remember having to hide all the sharp objects in our house. Knives, scissors, razors, screwdrivers, nails, toothpicks, hammers, when she started breaking stuff and was going into dangerous mode. Most here haven't gone through any of this stuff, they are lucky. BPD is such a horrible thing isn't it?

[RighteousAnger]

Our society as a whole is much more accepting of physical abuse to a male than a female. One only needs to look at public examples of when a woman slaps a man across the face... .witnesses might be thinking "Oh man, I wonder what he did to deserve that?" or possibly "What a crazy B." But if a man slaps a woman in public what are the odds other men/women are going to run over to her aid, call the police, and in some cases even attack the man? Obviously I'm not condoning any violence, I'm just pointing out the huge difference as perceived by most of our society.

I was physically abused by my ex gf with uBPD... .nothing quite as bad as some of the stories I've read, but she did shove me, slap me, punch me in the chest hard, and choke me on a handful of occasions. And most of the time she wasn't even sorry afterwards... .probably because he hardly remembered with how drunk she usually was. She also threatened to take my life on numerous occasions.

[English Sid]

My estranged wife when in her psychotic episodes would come at me with meat cleavers, fists or whatever she could get her hands on.

I remember when we moved into a new apartment, there was a big sword hung on the wall and she commented that it would come in use full one day, I laughed, fast forward a few months and I was grappling with her and the sword for 30 minutes until she had calmed down, her eyes were just blank as if she had no idea what she was doing, very scary.

[seenr]

Over an 8 year period:

Had a cup thrown at me

Had a kids dolls house almost broken over me

Have had a phone wrestled off me & the battery taken out so I could not contact anyone until morning

Have had a phone taken off me & smashed

Have had my clothes torn as I tried to stop her getting my phone

Have seen her hit her daughter

Have seen her break a bedroom door to get into the room to me

She has jumped in the window of my car as I tried to get away

She has tried to break a window in my car as I tried to get away

She has seized my work laptop and blackberry as 'ransom'

Has ran at me after excessive alcohol intake, over & over again for a 3 hour period in an effort to get me to hit her

Drove her car at me at speed as she left our house

Has tried to force my son into my arms so she could get items from my pockets, hurting him in the process

When I type all of this out it seems like I am talking about someone else, but I'm talking about my ex.

To the people who have posted here - I feel your pain.

[Lucky Jim]

her eyes were just blank as if she had no idea what she was doing, very scary.

I can relate, English Sid.  When my Ex was in one of her transient psychotic states, her eyes would look like pinwheels and she was in some sort of altered reality in which is was impossible to get through to her.  Terrifying, really.

@seenr, Sure, virtually the same things happened to me.  I'll add a few more: she punched a hole in the wall, dumped all of my business clothes on the front lawn, locked me out of the house, broke down a bedroom door, chased me around the house and kept me up all night, and on and on.

LJ

[seenr]

Lucky Jim

How have you dealt with it? Are you still with her?

Our minds are strange. I can recall the happy memories with her no problem, but trying to recall the bad ones causes me a lot of pain, almost like my brain is stopping my body from recalling.

Weird.

[Lucky Jim]

seenr, I can honestly say that I tried everything, but nothing really worked for long and in the end we divorced.  I had nothing left in the tank at that point and nearly destroyed myself.  What is your current status/situation?  LJ

[seenr]

We had been on/off for 8 years. For the first 3 years, we would both drift back together but in 2011 there was a big split. She told me 'get the hell out of my life and never come back'. I didn't. A year later she contacted me, we got back together, son born. The pregnancy was a nightmare, we split after he was born. Since then, I have tried to get back with her once, she said no, then she tried to get back with me twice, we did, she ended it.

This time, she was pushing for more and more money. In one row her daughter blurted out that they had been waiting for me to buy a house and then if we split they'd get the house. Ex claimed it was a joke. Between December 2015 & April 2016 I was asked to leave our house 10 times, sometimes bags packed etc. I had to sleep in a hotel one night.

We had a family event at the end of April. We had patched things up mainly by me agreeing to give more money to the household. After the family event, she started asking for more money again. I was surprised and as soon as I questioned her, she got violent towards me. I left the house to stay with relatives, to my shock when I tried to reconcile she blamed me for making her violent.

I have now seen a lawyer, am in the process of trying to get more time with our son. I have got emails in reply to my request for more access where she says 'you left the relationship'. I swear these people can distort reality so badly that I don't know what day it is.

How she can justify violence in front of our little boy, I have no idea. These are years he will never get back and I don't want him damaged. But what choice do I have?

[Lucky Jim]

Sorry to hear what you are going through, seenr.  Been there; done that.  Like your situation, my Ex was abusive and later blamed me for her violent behaviors.  Agree, they are shape shifters and reality distorters.  Sometimes I think they believe their lies, because in their heads they are always in the right.  Hardest part is the impact on kids, I know, as I have two children from whom I am currently estranged due to brainwashing and getting painted black by the Ex.

LJ