249 posts and still as confused as hell -embarrassing

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

 

Sorry this is going to be a bit ranty

I just don't know when I will get to a place of indifference? Peace?

granted I think I just got a major setback because a client of mine died horrifically this week-I kept wondering how Id feel if I found my ex died with some of the angry texts i sent

This bought up feelings of compassion towards my ex (posted on saving 2 days ago) -got good advice which I am following etc... .

Have sat on sending him something -and now I just feel like I hate him and that I don't even know if the good side of him was actually good or whether it was a false image or just manipulation-so I don't even know if he is worth sending a message to and maybe I dont actually give a s if he dies-has he given a toss about me? He just stopped communicating with me -silent treatment -then replacement -it is so hurtful and vile what he has done -and all I do is crave him and long for him to various degrees even when I'm doing better and having fun and at gigs, parties, festivals whatecver, holidays Im still in back of head secretly imagingin a reunion

what the hell has he done to me? I feel mad -I feel like he has put a spell on me ---has he played mind games / mind tricks ? Can they do this ---when we got together he said something about an old friend from uni that followed this method to make girls fall for him and get into their heads --was he doing that to me all along? Did he just move in with me to get set up in the city -then move on?

Also I know I am going to sound insane but I think I broke through some sort of barrier with the love I feel /for him -it is like something I have never experienced before I just don't know if anyone on the planet has felt the love i am consumed with? A friend of mine who split from her fiance has met someone else and they do lovely things together -she is moving on why cant i?

What f'd up pattern is this representing from my childhood -god knows?


But I feel like I should be making more progress and be able to offer the new people here advice etc... .some people who have only posted 20 or 40something times give me amazing advice and seem to be healing much quicker than me

I feel like I just take and take on this site and don't add much

[cherryblossom]

 

Sorry this is going to be a bit ranty

I just don't know when I will get to a place of indifference? Peace?

granted I think I just got a major setback because a client of mine died horrifically this week-I kept wondering how Id feel if I found my ex died with some of the angry texts i sent

This bought up feelings of compassion towards my ex (posted on saving 2 days ago) -got good advice which I am following etc... .

Have sat on sending him something -and now I just feel like I hate him and that I don't even know if the good side of him was actually good or whether it was a false image or just manipulation-so I don't even know if he is worth sending a message to and maybe I dont actually give a s if he dies-has he given a toss about me? He just stopped communicating with me -silent treatment -then replacement -it is so hurtful and vile what he has done -and all I do is crave him and long for him to various degrees even when I'm doing better and having fun and at gigs, parties, festivals whatecver, holidays Im still in back of head secretly imagingin a reunion

what the hell has he done to me? I feel mad -I feel like he has put a spell on me ---has he played mind games / mind tricks ? Can they do this ---when we got together he said something about an old friend from uni that followed this method to make girls fall for him and get into their heads --was he doing that to me all along? Did he just move in with me to get set up in the city -then move on?

Also I know I am going to sound insane but I think I broke through some sort of barrier with the love I feel /for him -it is like something I have never experienced before I just don't know if anyone on the planet has felt the love i am consumed with? A friend of mine who split from her fiance has met someone else and they do lovely things together -she is moving on why cant i?

What f'd up pattern is this representing from my childhood -god knows?


But I feel like I should be making more progress and be able to offer the new people here advice etc... .some people who have only posted 20 or 40something times give me amazing advice and seem to be healing much quicker than me

I feel like I just take and take on this site and don't add much

[Lilyroze]

Hi Cherryblossom,

Sorry never had time to read your other posts yesterday when I gave advice on your other thread. Sorting through your emotions, I can see why you would be confused about sending him something.

You seem at the anger stage maybe which is good you are not stuck. You can now take that energy and focus it on something good for you. Make some goals, take small steps to do things for you this week.

I personally sent something in kindness as well to the silent treatment. It is very hurtful when they ghost you, silent treatment or discard you. I am now going to take the time for healing me.

Hope you feel better and can have some rest. Be well on your journey to you.

[SoMadSoSad]

I feel the exact same way you do. I'm 8 months out of the relationship and 2 months nc. I am at the point of breaking while she is at an all time high in her life with the replacement. I don't know how she was able to move on from such a strong connection and never look back. I'm not even attracted to other girls anymore all I want is her but I can never speak or see her again even though she only lives a couple towns over. Not sure how I will survive this feeling of hopelessness and unrequited love but I will try. The only thing keeping me going I think is that maybe one day she will come back but I know that is the most car fetched dream I've ever had.

[cherryblossom]

he actually had the cheek to send me "nothing but ghosts here anyway" when he forced me out through his unacceptable behavior and I needed to get something from the flat ... .like it was me that set the split in motion! what an f horrible thing to say!then ghosting me... .I really think he is malicious and cruel I think he likes mind games -who does this to someone? even your worst enemy you would not treat like this ----I will build the best strongest version of me ever imaginable and go higher and higher

[Lucky Jim]

Hey cherry blossom, Don't beat yourself up!  Everyone heals at his/her own pace and there's no particular timetable for recovery.  Certainly it's not a function of how many times you have posted on this site.  Let me ask you a question: what would you like to see happen?  I'm unsure whether on some level you are hoping to get back together with your Ex.  If so, then it would seem that you're not ready to move on, which is OK.  Plenty of us, me included, have engaged in numerous recycles because we weren't ready to get off the roller coaster.  When you get there, you'll know it, in my experience.  In the meantime, suggest you listen to your gut feelings and treat yourself with kindness and respect.  The goal is self-love and acceptance, which is harder than it sounds.  You might want to sit with your feelings and just observe.  Your emotions are part of your authentic self, I suggest, and should be welcomed as such.

LuckyJim

[cherryblossom]

smss

i feel for you 

I just looked up the emotion of longing -I'm going to read more about that emotion and what it represents

please keep trying to heal you deserve to 

[Icanteven]

Also I know I am going to sound insane but I think I broke through some sort of barrier with the love I feel /for him -it is like something I have never experienced before I just don't know if anyone on the planet has felt the love i am consumed with?

You know what my T calls it?  Withdrawal.  Married with children and there were still days, even at the end, where I felt as geeked up about going on a date with her as I did the first time .  Nevermind the pro/con list sitting on my nightstand that got down to a handful of pros and a con side that needed a few extra pages; I still miss her physical beauty and the chemistry between us that's like no one else ever and that look she can give me freezes time and space and makes me feel like she's the only person in the world.

This has been the hardest thing I've ever done, and I've experienced some truly awful life events as a frame of reference that have made me question why exactly this feels worse than any of those.  That said,  after months of wondering where I stood on the stages of grief, it appears I'm in the acceptance phase.  The pain some days is almost as bad as the initial shock, only this time there's no bargaining or reasoning or second guessing, just a mourning of the relationship.

You will get there.  Let yourself feel the pain.  I distracted myself so much because it became overwhelming and life-consuming.  But, once I leaned in, I started to get through it.  I'm not through it, but I know I'm farther along than I was.  You will be too.  It takes time.  You're not feeling anything so many of us haven't felt, and like so many others on this board, you WILL come out the other side.

[cherryblossom]

  Thanks Lucky Jim 

[cherryblossom]

Thanks I cant even 

My T is trying to get me to sit with feelings and I am beginning to understand they make me an authentic person 

Just exhausting at times

as always always helps to get support and know people are/ were in similar boat x

[rfriesen]

Cherryblossom, as others have said, you are NOT alone in feeling this pain. Yes, it is unique and you should honour that -- each of us is mourning a unique, once-in-a-lifetime bond that was broken. But know that other people feel your pain and you will survive it.

It can be incredibly hard to just sit with your emotions. The pain is almost unbearable at times. But it's in those moments when the longing feels like it will tear me apart that I try to remind myself love isn't meant to feel like this. This is an intense, painful longing for a relationship that was passionate but turned toxic. It really messes with my mind, but I do understand finally that this isn't a healthy form of love and nothing good can come from pursuing it further.

Oh yes, and self-compassion -- that is maybe the most important and hardest thing to practice at a time like this. I would alternate between beating myself up for having such constant, obsessive thoughts, and aching for having finally ended things with my ex. It's so important that we remember just to accept our feelings and remind ourselves of positive qualities -- including the ability to feel so deeply, instead of just ghosting a person so close to us.

Be good to yourself!

[cherryblossom]

Thank you 

What worries me is I will never ever be ready to let go properly -having said that I had done so a bit more 3 weeks ago on return from holiday but last weekend spent with some friends i haven't seen for a while -so were asking me about it so I got talking about it again and I started hoping we might get back together cos they think we might (they were around us lot in the idealization phase and liked him-not so much in devluation but i withdrew socially quite ab it then)

[cherryblossom]

Its just so frustrating -Id had quite a bit of t over years and at point i met exBPD i was genuinely felt deserving of a very loving nurturing man -which my BPD ex presented like at first -i was in too deep and it was too late when I realised bit by bit he wasnt who i thought he was

now i don't feel deserving or that i even want a nice nurturing man

back then I had faith in happiness and joy and wanted a peaceful joyful life

I just don't think I'll ever put that much happiness and joy into another relationship -I was wide open with him

i think ill be too guarded now to ever have a proper relationship of the kind that I want or had thought was achievable that I think is worth having-as with my exBPD

[rfriesen]

I can absolutely relate to the worry that I'll never let go properly, that I'm just not able to recover. I still get that feeling now and then in waves, but I think I can fairly say that now - three and a half months out - I have longer moments of clarity and of feeling that I'm making progress. I think it's just incredibly hard to stay patient and continue to observe my feelings and work through them when I'm in the grips of a bad wave of ruminations and regrets ... .and then it just feels like there's no relief in sight, and I just long to feel like the person I was before I met my ex.

But I think we have to accept we won't ever be the same again, and to try turning that into a positive. It's true we won't be the same, we can't go back in time and undo the pain and heartache (or the joy! I would love to reach a point where I can remember the intense joy and love and appreciate it for what it was, even if it turned very dark in the end) ... .and all of that has changed us. I think recovery comes bit by bit as we accept that we won't be the same, but that it's an opportunity to grow. I know - at least rationally - that what I want is a more mature, stable, caring relationship. I have to trust that my feelings will eventually catch up to what my mind knows. It hurts like hell for now, but surely if we hold onto what we know is good for us, our feelings will catch up in the end.

[rfriesen]

I just don't think I'll ever put that much happiness and joy into another relationship -I was wide open with him

i think ill be too guarded now to ever have a proper relationship of the kind that I want or had thought was achievable that I think is worth having-as with my exBPD

I know exactly what you mean. I think the important thing is for us to realise that being so wide open and experiencing such a deep connection ... .those are things that are supposed to take time. The intense rush and incredible highs I experienced with my ex --- in part, they came from the feeling of instantly connecting with someone in a way that we had no boundaries, no walls up, were totally vulnerable and open to one another. But right there -- there's something a little unnatural about that. Why did we crave such an instant intense connection? At the time it felt like magic, but in hindsight I think both my ex and I lacked normal boundaries. The connection was intense and wild and passionate ... .but, if I'm going to be brutally honest with myself, it wasn't very deep. And we cemented it all with an intense sexual connection -- that was the anchor of our relationship, and that just contributed to the chaos in the end. We tried to drown the emotional pain with our physical connection.

Oh, and when you say, "now I don't feel deserving or that I even want a nice nurturing man" ... .this has been the most damaging effect of my relationship with my ex. I feel like I've absorbed some of her personality -- extremely sarcastic, lacking in intellectual or social interests, focused entirely on immediate pleasures (especially drinking, sex, lots of stimulus and attention) ... .and now I worry it's going to take a lot of work to shake that off and to desire the kind of partner that I know will truly make me happy, the kind of partner I used to always want before I get derailed by this last relationship.

[cherryblossom]

Maybe the f'd up pattern is that I think my mother is uBPD along with other members of my family and I often wonder if I'm on the spectrum at some level -i.e I experience intense emotions -however I am awake to the primitive defense mechanisms that have been unhelpful to me over the years... .I am awake after years of interest in personal growth, healing, mental health, Jung, therapy, occupational therapy... .it must feel so normal to me in terms of chemistry to be attached so deeply to someone with BPD traits

she wasn't really equipped to be a mother on an emotional level-he isn't equipped to be a partner-I have managed to come round to compassion and forgiveness to her so can do for him eventually

I recovered from a difficult childhood/teen years to make some great achievements and good times as an adult

I will recover from this too    

[cherryblossom]

if I'm going to be brutally honest with myself, it wasn't very deep. And we cemented it all with an intense sexual connection -- that was the anchor of our relationship, and that just contributed to the chaos in the end. We tried to drown the emotional pain with our physical connection.

I can kind of relate to this -but we did have great debates -we both like playing devil advocate ... .but I do remember him making me feel boring if I wanted to read of an evening... .then again at beginning he bought me some very interesting books... .we had a great love for nature and did some amazing walks around Wales -the black country near his home town... .but I don't think he accepted "all" of me ... .but then again I cant accept the "whole" of him when it contains so much destruction -I cannot accept heavy regular drinking and non commitment to healing. I also think he had the madonna /whore complex going on which interfered with true connection and intimacy as he couldn't seem to combine the fact he loved all of me... .my creative nurturing intellectual parts and my sexual side -we did have amazing sex life

[joeramabeme]

Hey CherryBlossom, one additional thought to add to what others have said. 

We don't always realize it, but there is someone just like us that needed to hear what we have to say to know they are not alone.

Lately I have been having similar feelings as yours; just how long is this going to take to put behind me.  We all progress, just not as quickly as we like. 

Lastly about the childhood and uBPD mom; me too!  Didn't know it till some time after being on this site.  For sure it had something to do with my selection.

Hang in, it does get better, just not in a straight line.

JRB

[rfriesen]

we did have great debates -we both like playing devil advocate ... .but I do remember him making me feel boring if I wanted to read of an evening... .then again at beginning he bought me some very interesting books... .we had a great love for nature and did some amazing walks around Wales -the black country near his home town... .but I don't think he accepted "all" of me ... .but then again I cant accept the "whole" of him when it contains so much destruction -I cannot accept heavy regular drinking and non commitment to healing. I also think he had the madonna /whore complex going on which interfered with true connection and intimacy as he couldn't seem to combine the fact he loved all of me... .my creative nurturing intellectual parts and my sexual side -we did have amazing sex life

Yes, I don't want to say that my ex and I were all about sex. We went running a lot together, we had great talks, we could make each other laugh for hours on end. And in the beginning, she was reading quite a bit too. I've done a lot more schooling than her and she later admitted that she felt insecure and that she would have to read more to be with me. Which is all completely ridiculous -- she had the sharpest mind and quickest wit of anyone I've ever dated. She just hadn't done a lot of higher education, which I never considered a negative in the least. Except to the extent that it fit with a pattern of her not really being motivated to do anything in life. She soon stopped reading and all she wanted to do at night was go out and drink or watch TV. And have sex -- lots and lots of sex. Obviously, these are not horrible things. But we weren't compatible longterm. I recognise that now, even if I still have desperate longings to relive our nights together. But I love my work and I love learning and I like being involved in the community ... .and I just can't see myself spending all my evenings drinking and watching TV. I'm not judging her for wanting that, but it's not me. And we covered over all those serious issues with the intensity of our physical connection, the way we made each other laugh, and, eventually, with the constant focus on the drama she would create by picking fights, constantly being jealous, going through my pockets, my phone, my drawers ... .looking back, I have to admit we didn't have a deep, stable connection.

It's just very very hard to finally let go of those intense highs once and for all ... .

[LilMe]

I am so glad you posted, cherryblossom!  I do not have any advice for you, but feel much the same as you.  I am about 2 1/2 months out and am not feeling much better at all.  My 7 and 8 year old are having a hard time recovering from the abuse and that doesn't help the situation!  Then when they are finally sleeping and it is quiet, I can't sleep because my mind is trying to process how to deal with my exuBPD.

Thanks everyone for the wonderful advice and sharing.  It helps a lot!  And I am sure there are many others who benefit, but just do not post about it.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!