Still NC With Mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I haven't talked to her since the first week of April since I took her back to the mountains after the cops picked her up,  telling stories about how I was keeping her prisoner.  I later found out about she telling others about how CPS might not like the kids (S6, D4) sharing a room.  And all sorts of other things.  She had called me about a week later,  sounding lucid,  but what was going on was not.  I was told in a way,  subtly,  that it was my responsibility to call and keep up the r/s. The phone works both ways.  No father's day call. I have a card on my fridge from two  years ago.  Kind words,  telling me how great a father I was. When she was here for 4 months,  I got the slam about how out of control my kids were,  and how these days,  parents weren't hard enough on their kids.  My uBPDx isn't as bad as some here,  but my son says he loves me more and wants to stay with me,  "because mommy is angry, " This was after I lost my temper with him yesterday and he started crying. My mom loved to slam my Ex's BPD, but only acknowledge her own when excusing her behaviors.

I like to think I'm tough.  My birth parents, both addicts,  gave me up for adoption when I was a bent baby. I never had a dad or father figure.  I can't help but feel a little hurt not even getting a call,  though I guess with me not calling,  I shouldn't have expected it.  I had the kids this weekend.  I got a call from my Ex, and even a Happy Father's Day text from her husband,  the home  wrecker. ... but he's just a kid.  My ex chose to go out.  Still,  it's weird. 

I'm going up to the mountains in two weeks with the kids.  Not sure if I'm gong to reach out.

[Turkish]

I haven't talked to her since the first week of April since I took her back to the mountains after the cops picked her up,  telling stories about how I was keeping her prisoner.  I later found out about she telling others about how CPS might not like the kids (S6, D4) sharing a room.  And all sorts of other things.  She had called me about a week later,  sounding lucid,  but what was going on was not.  I was told in a way,  subtly,  that it was my responsibility to call and keep up the r/s. The phone works both ways.  No father's day call. I have a card on my fridge from two  years ago.  Kind words,  telling me how great a father I was. When she was here for 4 months,  I got the slam about how out of control my kids were,  and how these days,  parents weren't hard enough on their kids.  My uBPDx isn't as bad as some here,  but my son says he loves me more and wants to stay with me,  "because mommy is angry, " This was after I lost my temper with him yesterday and he started crying. My mom loved to slam my Ex's BPD, but only acknowledge her own when excusing her behaviors.

I like to think I'm tough.  My birth parents, both addicts,  gave me up for adoption when I was a bent baby. I never had a dad or father figure.  I can't help but feel a little hurt not even getting a call,  though I guess with me not calling,  I shouldn't have expected it.  I had the kids this weekend.  I got a call from my Ex, and even a Happy Father's Day text from her husband,  the home  wrecker. ... but he's just a kid.  My ex chose to go out.  Still,  it's weird. 

I'm going up to the mountains in two weeks with the kids.  Not sure if I'm gong to reach out.

[unicorn2014]

If it helps: my mom hasn't been returning my calls and I couldn't call my dad today or send him a card, which I addressed in today's post.

My daughter had some drama with her father today ... .

I think you're a great father!

Happy Father's Day!

[Turkish]

I saw your thread.  I absorb this,  as well as my Ex's alienation by her father: the emotional detachment,  and the shaming.  I can't comprehend hurting my children on purpose like that.  Textual acceptance is hard. 

[polly87]

Hi Turkish,

It must have been hard not to hear anything on Father's day... .How are you feeling now?

What has it been like being NC with your mother? How does it feel for you? and has she tried to contact you yet?

I remember when I first went NC with my mother it felt like a relief. No more drama, at least for the time being!

I'm sorry you didn't have a dad or a father figure as a kid. I didn't have one either... .I always feel it left some kind of hole in me, a place which in lucky children is filled by parental love. All we can do is try and fill it with self-acceptance.

Best wishes to you and your kids 

[Turkish]

I feel like I'm cut off from my past. I haven't taken the kids to the mountains since Christmas.  The kids keep asking to see their Uncle,  my BFF. We're going next weekend.  There will be fireworks. Less than 10 miles away,  I don't want to check on my mom.  The last I heard, it sounded like a mess.  No word from the Narc neighbor who's been salivating on buying her property. No word from her former neighbor,  the co-dependent, who was calling me to rescue my mom,  despite my mom fleeing my home and telling everyone that I was keeping her prisoner.

I imagine my mom telling people that I abandoned her,  was controlling,  etc.  I think what triggered me most was what I heard from the former neighbor: that CPS wouldn't like the fact that  S6 and D4 still slept in the same room.  You don't make threats like that to by pups,  EVER,  I don't care who you are.  uBPDx and I are still dealing with the aftermath of last year.  We started  trauma focused CBT. We don't need interference from a grandmother whose sexual abuse happened 60 years ago to her.

Two, or maybe three years ago,  she wrote me a beautiful father's day card,  stating how proud she was of me as a father.  Yet when she lived her for four months,  she was confused,  triggered by her grandchildren (mostly my son... .maybe because he is male, which tracks with his mom since he says he loves me more and wants to stay with me because mommy is angry). She Also criticized me,  implying that I should be harder on the kids.  They can drive me nuts, but I handle them. 

She has maybe 10 or 15% valid wisdom to share.  I liked those conversations;  they were supportive. It was everything else I couldn't rely upon.  So as my T one said about fatherhood,  I'm inventing. 

[HappyChappy]

No father's day call... .I got a call from my Ex, and even a Happy Father's Day text from her husband... .it's weird.  I'm going up to the mountains in two weeks with the kids.  Not sure if I'm gong to reach out.

Hi Turk,

I have young kids and in honesty they wouldn’t remember any day if their parents didn’t reminded them and buy the card and then ask them to write it. It’s just not the sort of thing kids worry about. I would say climbing a mountain with their Dad tells you more about how they feel than diarising fathers day. I know our BPD mom has binned/hidden fathers days cards in the past and then made a big fuss about us “forgetting.” She use to tell me he could never remember my birthday, but that wasn’t true either. So Turk, maybe this is just game playing ? I would imagine if you show your kids the care, compassion and diligence you show on this forum, they’re very lucky kids indeed. The fact your kid says he'd rather be with you than angry mom, is a huge compliment.

No news is often good news re: your Mom ? And starting trauma focused CBT is fantastic news. Get in there early before a Trump presidency, they'll be a waiting list for trauma focused CBT if that happens.  

[unicorn2014]

I appreciate the lucidity of this post. I didn't send my mother a mother's day card, she didn't send me one. I'll write more later. Thanks for continuing to tell your story.