boundary with quiet borderline

[pzzld1516]

I am coming to realize that both of my adult sons may have borderline, one angry, one quiet.

I read the thread about quiet borderlines, and experience the same feelings that his stoney silence is more painful to me than my other son's raging.

He is 22, the youngest. We have been estranged, then have had some contact this year.  He will occasionally go out with both my husband and I, will certainly see my husband alone.  My husband keeps encouraging me to reach out to him, even asked him if the time both of us came to his apartment was ok, did he like that I brought him food (he was sick).  He said yes.

So again, I reached out to him by text (he hates the phone).  I asked him about a little visit, I would bring coffee.  Absolutely no response.  He did text my husband back that same day later in the day.

When my son texts me about miscellaneous things, I always text him back, am cheerful, etc.  I sent him a text a couple weeks ago, said "I am thinking about you, hoping your job is going well, it would be nice to see you, Happy summer!"  It was a beautiful summer day.  He told my husband that was a passive agressive thing to say to him.  So my husband said I should be very specific with my request to see my son, which I was this week.

Am I enabling him by being nice and accommodating?  Should I tell him how I don't want to communicate like this anymore becasue it is too painful and disrespectful to me?

I am tired of feeling like my heart is ripped up.  :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Moselle]

pzzld1516,

So sorry to hear of that. I am able to empathise because my little girl of 15 is showing traits of borderline, and I end up just texting alot, with nothing in return.

That's her choice. My choice is to reach out and tell her I love her, every day. I'm not sure if she appreciates it.

[Lollypop]

Hi pzzld

My BPDs25 is quiet and doesn't rage. This aspect of a quiet BPD is hard isn't it. Over the years my reactions to his behaviours were erratic; this was pre-Dx. We spent years reeling around, not understanding his inner turmoils which were confounded by our reactions to his behaviours. My BPDs25 is addicted to weed and does not seek treatment. I wait patiently and understand, for this to work, he needs full commitment.

I reached a point where I understood what I (underlined!) wanted. Whatever happens, I always want a relationship with my BPDs. This is regardless of any decisions or choices he makes. I know he loves us.  He knows we love him.  I saw a huge gulf between us and, as he didn't have the inclination or skills, I felt it was up to me to get our relationship back on track. I went back to basics.

I've worked really hard on communication skills across my family. I try and model behaviours.  I read up as much as I could, and still do so, and this has really helped me understand his limitations and the inconvenient truth that I was part of the problem.

It's been 6 months and our relationship is much better. We speak to each other as adults. I listen, really listen, then validate.  I asked for feedback from the others in the forum about our conversations and found this invaluable. It helped me improve.

This forum has been a lifesaver.

You ask the question "is being nice and accommodating enabling him"?

I try and be nice ALL the time. It's respectful. I model behaviours I want to see returned. It works! Believe me, it's quite unbelievable. If only I knew this simple technique years ago! I also believe though that his maturity and emotional growth has helped.

What do you specifically think that you are doing that "accommodates" him?

[pzzld1516]

I am wondering if the reaching out to him, and "allowing" his cold silence to me is enabling him somehow, allowing him to passively be disrespectful to me as a human being.

He is a weed smoker as well, his way of coping with his anxiety, etc.  We don't confront him about anything, we are financially supporting him at present.

I am confused about my own boundaries of feeling hurt, and not having any opportunity to speak with him.

I feel very depressed and devastated after I reach out and get nothing in return, not even a "sorry that doesn't work".   Many horrible things have been said to me over the past year, and my own self doubt starts taking over.

[Lollypop]

Hi pzzld

I completely understand. I used to really believe my son didn't care about us at all. I resented him so much. It got to the point I couldn't think of one single positive thing to say about him. I spent my entire time just wagging my finger. He could do nothing right. I didn't like him. I desperately wanted my son back and I foolishly thought it was because of the drugs.

My BPDs got diagnosed last sept. He was travelling in the USA (we live in the UK). He ran out of money and we really didn't want him back home. We'd been so much happier with him away. We offered to help him financially while he got himself settled. The months ran into each other. We ran out of money. So much money wasted. He'd done nothing to look for work, he was seriously depressed and we were convinced he'd do something really stupid. We had no choice but to return him home mid December.

I got active on this forum.

I concentrated on changing my own behaviours.  I accepted that I couldn't change his.

I understand he doesn't behave the way he does on purpose. He's not trying to hurt anyone.

I was consistent in my approach. Light as a fairy, I rarely questioned him. Conversation was light and I was warm to him.  On the odd occasion he did open up I listened intently and did not offer advice. At the very least I just said "oh" or "that must feel awful".  We fed him and stopped giving him money. It took him about 3-4 weeks before he got some casual work.

Very Gradually, he's improved. He now contributes to his living expenses and has recently started to save. Financial management is my key goal to get him to live independently.

I've been successful so far in creating a loving and supportive environment to get him stable. He started to respond positively but it was tiny steps. It's taken a lot of hard work.

My BPDs will not have the life we planned or hoped for him. He will find a way to live independently. He works for cash. It's outdoor work. He copes with this. Now he's stable, he can see his triggers and so can I.

I'm sorry for going on about me. I'm trying to share with you. My BPDs was unresponsive because he didnt want a reaction from me. His head full of thoughts, negative thoughts of shame, self pity, confusion, dread. Every day he's just trying to survive, get through that day. My negativity or loving too much just made him feel worse.

I've become the parent he needs me to be. My confidence has grown as I've seen my new validation and communication skills work. It's like magic as amazingly he started to change himself. We inch forward working it out as we go.

I've learnt a new way. Please read the tools and whatever you can on this site ( top right. ). Keep posting.

Does your son work?

Is he having any treatment?

Is it only weed?

Take care of yourself

L

[pzzld1516]

Hello Lollypop,Thanks for your advice.  Your story is helpful, it is good to hear real stories about how some of this might play out.

After the first several months of the "break", I stopped defending myself, and began trying to really listen. I do keep it light, unless he brings something up and he needs me to listen, but he and I only speak when my husband is with as well.  Being shut out of texting or phone calls, or even emailing makes it kind of hard to be the parent he needs me to be.  I see that he is in pain and struggling, I still love him but I have to take care of myself as well.  If you are saying that texting him knowing I will get no response is a way to show him I care, I can continue to do that.  I just don't think I will suggest we see each other.

I do wonder if it is in part drugs, he also did a few "trips" over the past couple years.  I understand they do it out of desperation, or self medicating, but it is hard not to think that a vulnerable brain has more problems with that type of thing.

He is working at a couple of part time jobs, and is not making nearly enough to support himself, so we are supporting him now.  He's been out of college for 7 months.  Weed and maybe anti-anxiety meds sometimes, I don't know.

He is not in any treatment or diagnosed.

I am gradually reading the online material, have seen a couple videos and am reading a recommended book. This forum has wonderful information, it is how I started to believe that that is what we are dealing with.

Any tips for how to encourage adult child to get the proper diagnosis, or bring up the idea?

[Lollypop]

Hi pz

As I read and learnt I had a greater understanding of the situation. This made me less reactive. I can't tell you how much this helped me. Knowledge is power.

I heard a radio programme a few months ago and it described us as two different types of flower. Some of us are weeds that can grow any where, they are resilient and make the best of their environment. The other flower is an orchid, they are tricky and require nurturing, but when nurtured they thrive.

This was a light bulb moment for me.  I threw out myself out to my family and I make it plain what I'm doing. I make it clear "I'm listening, I'm doing my best and I'm trying very hard to change".  I practise validation and listening.

I find it very interesting that your son responds better when your husband is around.

My BPDs responds better to me. Part of my journey has shown me that s lot of the problem has been my husband. He's stiff, he finds it hard to see the other point of view, he finds it hard to bend. A lot of this is because of the way he was raised himself,

I spent my life coming in between my son and husband. I tried to soften and pave the bridge between them. I got in the way and prevented/obstructed a healthy relationship, it got to the point where my husband didn't want s relationship with BPDs. He was prepared to see him cut out if our lives. I feel now, that due to my husbands limitations and insecurities, he was dividing and conquering me from my kids,

I have taken control of myself. I teach them, I keep on learning.

I have only 2 or 3 times made s suggestion to seek treatment in the last 7 months. I chose my moment and let my comment hang in the air, I can't convince him. I feel he needs to really want it for it to work,

Meantime, I Face the fact we don't allow him to fail that would quicken this process. My BPDs only learns the hard way. But stable, I see an opportunity for all of us,

It's great your son is working. It's fantastic that he can open up with yourself and husband. He's receptive.

Time to look to yourself and decide what you want, what you need for your own well being. Your son will see that you are taking care of yourself, your Life doesn't revolve around him. Being the parent he needs involves showing him how to live a good, happy and fulfilling life yourself. They learn from this - slowly.

L