Too Many Triggers all at once

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am trying to process something that happened yesterday.

I had been doing really well with keeping stbx at a distance. He had been visiting the kids without any problems. I would leave and give him time with the kids or I would go hide in my room and steer clear of him. If he talked to me, I would keep it pretty brief and not engage him at all. I feel like I was doing really well.

Yesterday, he offered to bring some stuff over. I didn't think it would be a problem. He had been picking up stuff at the store, bringing it over for the kids, hanging out a bit, and then leaving if the kids didn't want to hang out with him.

He came over. I went outside. He followed. He was chit chatting about job searches. No big deal. At some point, the conversation took a turn. I am trying to pinpoint where I went wrong so that I can keep it from happening again. All I can figure is that I was in a weak mental state at the time and didn't realize it.

I live in an area where there is currently a lot of flooding. I am high and dry and safe. However, all of the news reports and talk of flooding gets me a little on edge because of past history. When I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, our house flooded with 3 feet of water. To get out of the house and to safety, I had to walk through water that was up to my shoulders. Flooding and talk of flooding gets me in a weird place. I didn't even think about that yet I should have.

Sometime during the conversation, he brought up our anniversary. That set me off. I know it shouldn't have bothered me. He has a history of doing next to nothing for our anniversary. Why would somebody bring up an anniversary if they are separated and both parties are seeing other people? In the past, he told me that he wishes he hadn't married me. He brought up the anniversary stuff and then proceeded to ask me if I regretted our kids. No, I don't regret having kids. I regret choosing him as a father. I shouldn't have answered him. I should have asked him to leave the minute he started talking about the anniversary.

It felt like he was bringing up every single thing that he knew would hurt me. At one point he told me that I need a man that is perfect like my dad. And then he said something about me being just like my mother. It felt like he was pulling out all of the things that he knew would hurt me. I was upset and crying and he said he was going to leave. I gave him time to leave and then went inside. He hadn't left. He was sitting on the couch acting like nothing happened. He acted like he and I hadn't said ugly things to each other. He started offering to help with this and that. I didn't respond. I was trying to gather my wits about me and figure out what to do. I was in a state of fight or flight. He kept asking and asking me about some boxes. I wouldn't respond. I don't know how many times he asked. At some point, I flipped me lid and started yelling at him. I tried to go back outside. He followed me and so did the kids. He wouldn't leave.

The kids said something about wanting to go to grandma's because they were scared. He told the kids, "Everything will be fine once I leave." And he still didn't leave. He just stood there. And then he sat down in the chair across from me. I felt so cornered. I didn't know what to say or do. After a couple of times of mentioning going to grandma's, he finally left. He knew that him staying around and following me was upsetting and making things worse.

Does anybody have any ideas on how to address situations like this? How can I maintain enough composure and presence to exit the situation when I am being bombarded with triggers? He kept saying that he was going to leave yet didn't.

[vortex of confusion]

I am trying to process something that happened yesterday.

I had been doing really well with keeping stbx at a distance. He had been visiting the kids without any problems. I would leave and give him time with the kids or I would go hide in my room and steer clear of him. If he talked to me, I would keep it pretty brief and not engage him at all. I feel like I was doing really well.

Yesterday, he offered to bring some stuff over. I didn't think it would be a problem. He had been picking up stuff at the store, bringing it over for the kids, hanging out a bit, and then leaving if the kids didn't want to hang out with him.

He came over. I went outside. He followed. He was chit chatting about job searches. No big deal. At some point, the conversation took a turn. I am trying to pinpoint where I went wrong so that I can keep it from happening again. All I can figure is that I was in a weak mental state at the time and didn't realize it.

I live in an area where there is currently a lot of flooding. I am high and dry and safe. However, all of the news reports and talk of flooding gets me a little on edge because of past history. When I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, our house flooded with 3 feet of water. To get out of the house and to safety, I had to walk through water that was up to my shoulders. Flooding and talk of flooding gets me in a weird place. I didn't even think about that yet I should have.

Sometime during the conversation, he brought up our anniversary. That set me off. I know it shouldn't have bothered me. He has a history of doing next to nothing for our anniversary. Why would somebody bring up an anniversary if they are separated and both parties are seeing other people? In the past, he told me that he wishes he hadn't married me. He brought up the anniversary stuff and then proceeded to ask me if I regretted our kids. No, I don't regret having kids. I regret choosing him as a father. I shouldn't have answered him. I should have asked him to leave the minute he started talking about the anniversary.

It felt like he was bringing up every single thing that he knew would hurt me. At one point he told me that I need a man that is perfect like my dad. And then he said something about me being just like my mother. It felt like he was pulling out all of the things that he knew would hurt me. I was upset and crying and he said he was going to leave. I gave him time to leave and then went inside. He hadn't left. He was sitting on the couch acting like nothing happened. He acted like he and I hadn't said ugly things to each other. He started offering to help with this and that. I didn't respond. I was trying to gather my wits about me and figure out what to do. I was in a state of fight or flight. He kept asking and asking me about some boxes. I wouldn't respond. I don't know how many times he asked. At some point, I flipped me lid and started yelling at him. I tried to go back outside. He followed me and so did the kids. He wouldn't leave.

The kids said something about wanting to go to grandma's because they were scared. He told the kids, "Everything will be fine once I leave." And he still didn't leave. He just stood there. And then he sat down in the chair across from me. I felt so cornered. I didn't know what to say or do. After a couple of times of mentioning going to grandma's, he finally left. He knew that him staying around and following me was upsetting and making things worse.

Does anybody have any ideas on how to address situations like this? How can I maintain enough composure and presence to exit the situation when I am being bombarded with triggers? He kept saying that he was going to leave yet didn't.

[flourdust]

I have had some similar experiences with my stbx. We're separated, but there are still these intersections, sometimes unexpected, where things can get derailed.

One time when I could not get her to leave, I called 911. The police came and interviewed us (including the kid). They ascertained that there hadn't been any physical altercation. They also asked who was living where. When they determined that the wife had her own residence elsewhere, they told her to leave. And they told me that I did the right thing by calling.

I was reluctant to make that call, because it seemed like a big step toward... I dunno? Incivility? Hostility? But it reinforced my boundary and scared her, I think. We haven't had any issues that bad since.

[vortex of confusion]

I have had some similar experiences with my stbx. We're separated, but there are still these intersections, sometimes unexpected, where things can get derailed.

----------

I was reluctant to make that call, because it seemed like a big step toward... I dunno? Incivility? Hostility? But it reinforced my boundary and scared her, I think. We haven't had any issues that bad since.

Thanks flourdust! I know it is up to me to establish boundaries and keep them. I know what I need to do. I have a hard time carrying it out in th moment when I feel like I am flooded with emotion and can't think straight.

[lbjnltx]

My standard response during times of heightened emotions (mine) or questions meant to cause harm/conflict:

That is not something I will discuss with you./ That is not something I will discuss with you right now.

and then I walk away.  If it persists I ask them to leave my home or I leave their presence if they are not in my home.

Working on reducing our triggers is one way towards self improvement.  This does take time and a lot of positive self talk.  Not owning the other person's feelings or agenda helps too!

While I was working on honing my communication skills under the safety of my boundaries I would remind myself prior to being in the presence of or communicating over the phone to "validate, validate, validate"  it kept me focused and intentional.  Perhaps the next time you know your stbxBPD is coming over you can remind yourself "boundaries, boundaries, boundaries" or "I won't discuss that with you" X3.

lbj

[vortex of confusion]

Working on reducing our triggers is one way towards self improvement.  This does take time and a lot of positive self talk.  Not owning the other person's feelings or agenda helps too!

That is the area that needs the most work for me I think. Most of my triggers these days seem to focus on unresolved stuff that happened while married to stbx. I haven't been out and away from him long enough to resolve some of this stuff. All of my friends tell me to keep contact with him very limited. The more contact I have with him, the easier it will be for me to get confused and triggered.

I mentioned some of the stuff that stbx said to me to a family member. It helped to get his input and perspective and it made me laugh. If somebody else had said the same things that stbx said, I probably would have laughed about it or made a joke of it.

While I was working on honing my communication skills under the safety of my boundaries I would remind myself prior to being in the presence of or communicating over the phone to "validate, validate, validate"  it kept me focused and intentional.  Perhaps the next time you know your stbxBPD is coming over you can remind yourself "boundaries, boundaries, boundaries" or "I won't discuss that with you" X3.

I usually have a plan in my head about where I will be and what I will do. I mentally rehearse things so that I can keep myself grounded and prepared.

It reached a point where there was no discussion at all. He was standing up in a menacing manner and I was sitting down and he was going on and on. I should have gotten up and walked away. I froze.

[flourdust]

I usually have a plan in my head about where I will be and what I will do. I mentally rehearse things so that I can keep myself grounded and prepared.

It reached a point where there was no discussion at all. He was standing up in a menacing manner and I was sitting down and he was going on and on. I should have gotten up and walked away. I froze.

Don't beat yourself up about this. I think we've all been there. Mentally rehearsing and knowing your options are excellent self protective steps. But nothing works 100% of the time. It sounds like you're doing the best you can.

[vortex of confusion]

I had been beating myself up over flipping my lid. I wasn't sure if I should start another thread or continue this one. I opted to continue here as I think it is relevant to the original post of how to deal with too many triggers at once.

One of the by products of having flipped my lid at stbx is that he has been much, much nicer to me and the kids. He has been much more respectful of me and my space.

I find this frustrating. It does shine some light on why I did it. I did it because it friggin' works.

I know that somebody further up in the thread that the key should be to start working on my triggers so that I don't have any. If I don't have any, then I can be cool as a cucumber no matter what others say and do to me. I can shrug and walk away. For the most part, I am that way with most of my FOO. I am NC with one sister and hearing from her gets me rattled because she can be dangerous.

What I have stirring around in my mind is a vague question about how to deal with triggers in such a way that I am not doing what feels like flip flopping. There are so many things that I allowed in the relationship because it didn't bother me. I was kind of unflappable at times. I wasn't going to show weakness. Now, it feels like I have gone to the opposite extreme where it seems like everything bothers me and everything triggers something. I much rather be able to shrug all of this off and move on.

[eeks]

What I have stirring around in my mind is a vague question about how to deal with triggers in such a way that I am not doing what feels like flip flopping. There are so many things that I allowed in the relationship because it didn't bother me. I was kind of unflappable at times. I wasn't going to show weakness. Now, it feels like I have gone to the opposite extreme where it seems like everything bothers me and everything triggers something. I much rather be able to shrug all of this off and move on.

Hi VoC,

This question touches on something I've been dealing with lately.  As I continue to connect more with my own emotions, I find myself getting emotionally triggered much more frequently.  I have read that this can be a good sign, and I agree because part of it is noticing how subtle but frequent my family members' emotional invalidation of me is, even as an adult.  It's not always the right time or place to "open up" the trigger content and work through it, and so far I haven't been managing it as effectively as I'd like.  (I have been in infrequent contact with my family for the last year or so, but some recent circumstances mean that I am seeing and talking to my parents more often)

You may eventually get to a point where you are no longer emotionally triggered by certain words or behaviours on the part of other people, but a useful shorter-term goal might be to get to a point where you still feel strong trigger emotions but can choose how to speak or act in response.

I imagine that if you would like to move from "flip flopping" to more moderated emotional responses, it will take time and practice in calmer moments.  It sounds like talking with a family member about the things your stbx said was helpful.  You could continue to do this, with trusted people, whether it is family members, friends or a therapist.  I understand that when things get difficult, the desire to "shrug it off and move on", but triggers contain valuable emotional information.  They don't always require talking or thinking about the past, and whether and how one needs to express the emotion to the person/people involved is a whole other complicated topic, but I do think the emotions probably need to be felt and not avoided, since they are real for you on some level. 

However, triggers can be difficult to work with because of the intensity.  And as I mentioned, the heat of the moment might not be the best time to work with the trigger, and the person you're with might not be willing/able to help you to do so.  So, talking to trusted people at calmer moments could be helpful, or learning Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and practising it on yourself (identifying your own feelings and needs).  I find that NVC on myself also helps me speak about my own experience to others when I get triggered, avoiding blaming-sounding language.

[vortex of confusion]

This question touches on something I've been dealing with lately.  As I continue to connect more with my own emotions, I find myself getting emotionally triggered much more frequently.  I have read that this can be a good sign, and I agree because part of it is noticing how subtle but frequent my family members' emotional invalidation of me is, even as an adult.  It's not always the right time or place to "open up" the trigger content and work through it, and so far I haven't been managing it as effectively as I'd like.  (I have been in infrequent contact with my family for the last year or so, but some recent circumstances mean that I am seeing and talking to my parents more often)

Thanks for this! I have been feeling pretty raw lately. I sometimes wonder what the point of all of this is. I find it frustrating that I am having such a difficult time with some of the emotional stuff. You have touched upon something here that rings true for me. I could tell you the millions of ways that my FOO is emotionally invalidating. My FOO is not really an emotional bunch. They are from the school of "You better stop crying before I give you something to cry about."

I have memories of being a kid and being so unbelievably upset. My oldest sister somehow thought it was her job to mother me and guide me, blah, blah, blah. I would be crying and she would taunt me and yell at me and I would try so hard to stop crying. I would feel like I was going to hyperventilate because I couldn't catch my breath. I was so scared to keep crying but I couldn't make it stop. I learned to make it stop. I learned to not let myself cry around other people. Crying and being upset is a private affair for me. My dad is the type that could have a conversation with me as long as I didn't cry or get upset. With stbx, there are a lot of those same things going on. I can't have a bad day. I can't get upset. I have to be so unbelievably even keeled. If I am not on my A game 100 percent of the time, then it is quite likely that he is going to dysregulate. The beauty of him not living here any more is that I am actually getting the space to feel this crap and figure it out.

You may eventually get to a point where you are no longer emotionally triggered by certain words or behaviours on the part of other people, but a useful shorter-term goal might be to get to a point where you still feel strong trigger emotions but can choose how to speak or act in response.

I think that is a good short term goal. Right now, it feels like a land mine of triggers. I find myself having these "oh crap" moments when I respond to something and then realize that I am not responding from a place of rationality. I am responding from this place of being a wounded little kid. That is something else that I am starting to realize. The break up of my marriage is pulling the scabs off of a lot of wounds from childhood. It is weird that I am venting so hard about stbx yet part of me feels like the things I am most upset about and bothered by are the very things that were the most problematic to me as a child. It almost feels like all of my anger and hurt and pain from childhood are being dumped on him because so many of the things that he has done are just a re-enactment of some of the crap from childhood.

I imagine that if you would like to move from "flip flopping" to more moderated emotional responses, it will take time and practice in calmer moments.  It sounds like talking with a family member about the things your stbx said was helpful.  You could continue to do this, with trusted people, whether it is family members, friends or a therapist.  I understand that when things get difficult, the desire to "shrug it off and move on", but triggers contain valuable emotional information.  They don't always require talking or thinking about the past, and whether and how one needs to express the emotion to the person/people involved is a whole other complicated topic, but I do think the emotions probably need to be felt and not avoided, since they are real for you on some level. 

I have a small but wonderful network of support people. I know who I can reach out to for different things. They have been instrumental in being a sounding board for me. They have been really great at listening to me and supporting me while telling me to knock it off when I need to be pulled back to a place of balance. I need to find a good physical outlet for my emotions. I do best when I find something physical to do when feeling emotional. Rearranging furniture, mowing the grass, or doing some other big project that requires a lot of physical exertion are all things that help me when I am feeling overly emotional.

However, triggers can be difficult to work with because of the intensity.  And as I mentioned, the heat of the moment might not be the best time to work with the trigger, and the person you're with might not be willing/able to help you to do so.  So, talking to trusted people at calmer moments could be helpful, or learning Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and practising it on yourself (identifying your own feelings and needs).  I find that NVC on myself also helps me speak about my own experience to others when I get triggered, avoiding blaming-sounding language.

This is interesting. I am not quite sure how to ask the question that is lurking in my mind. When I had my blow up, I waffled back and forth between blaming stbx and blaming myself. I can control my behavior not his. Now, I am at a place where I can acknowledge that behavior was not the best. I can also soothe myself with the knowledge that even the healthiest people would have gotten upset in a similar situation. I am trying to take responsibility for myself while at the same time giving myself some leeway. One of the things that I am running into is that it often times feels like I am rationalizing my own crappy behavior rather than having compassion towards myself. Excusing my crappy behavior as "I am only human" feels a bit like a cop out to me. I know better so I should do better.

[heartandwhole]

One of the things that I am running into is that it often times feels like I am rationalizing my own crappy behavior rather than having compassion towards myself. Excusing my crappy behavior as "I am only human" feels a bit like a cop out to me. I know better so I should do better.

Hi vortex,

I think I understand what you allude to about rationalizing vs. feeling real compassion for yourself. I find that an amazingly insightful recognition on your part. Could it be, though, that this kind of thinking is simply more you "having to be on your A game" all the time? Reading your posts, it feels to me that you are judging yourself for "not doing it right," for not being able to control your response when things got scary with your ex. The way you had to learn to buck up as a child and hide your emotions. Maybe a part of you really needs to express what you are feeling and perhaps this part of you is really out of practice; hence, the "unskillful" way you feel you responded?

I mention this because after my breakup with pwBPD, suddenly I felt very raw and touchy about things that were going on in my family (being "triggered" much more frequently, as you mention) and I actually started to express feelings that I had not been able to as a child. It was stressful, embarrassing, and I felt vulnerable and misunderstood. Like you mentioned above, it was as if the little child in me was finally speaking up, but boy did it feel inappropriate and unskillful at times. I tried my best to behave reasonably and respectfully, but sometimes the tears would just flow and the anger would rise... .and I couldn't swallow it down anymore.

It sounds like you were really stressed and maybe even frightened (at least from a physiological standpoint), so I think your reaction was quite understandable. The suggestions on this thread are great, and I'm confident you will feel better in these situations with time (I certainly feel much less reactive than I did just out of my relationship). Some things may still be raw for you, and I hope you'll be gentle with yourself. Maybe you "know better," but in the throes of a stressful emotional response, it's not always possible to react the way we feel we should.  

heartandwhole

[vortex of confusion]

I think I understand what you allude to about rationalizing vs. feeling real compassion for yourself. I find that an amazingly insightful recognition on your part. Could it be, though, that this kind of thinking is simply more you "having to be on your A game" all the time? Reading your posts, it feels to me that you are judging yourself for "not doing it right," for not being able to control your response when things got scary with your ex. The way you had to learn to buck up as a child and hide your emotions. Maybe a part of you really needs to express what you are feeling and perhaps this part of you is really out of practice; hence, the "unskillful" way you feel you responded?

I have been thinking about this and I think there are two different elements at play for me. One is definitely related to being on my A game.

The other is more of a philosophical consideration based on Kant's categorical imperative which states that there are some things that are wrong in all instances. To demonstrate what I am getting at, I will use the example of a guy that flips out on his wife and yells at her. Would anybody tell him that it is okay to yell at his wife? Probably not. Most people would probably say that even ONE time is one time too many. It is about me trying to hold myself to my own standards of action. If I am violating my own standards of behavior, then that is a sign that I need to do some serious work on myself.

I mention this because after my breakup with pwBPD, suddenly I felt very raw and touchy about things that were going on in my family (being "triggered" much more frequently, as you mention) and I actually started to express feelings that I had not been able to as a child. It was stressful, embarrassing, and I felt vulnerable and misunderstood. Like you mentioned above, it was as if the little child in me was finally speaking up, but boy did it feel inappropriate and unskillful at times. I tried my best to behave reasonably and respectfully, but sometimes the tears would just flow and the anger would rise... .and I couldn't swallow it down anymore.

Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone in this. I am definitely embarrassed by my own behavior at times. I can't tell you the number of times that I have walked away from an interaction thinking, "WOW, what did I just say that led them to THAT conclusion."

You bringing up the child in you finally speaking up really hits home for me. As I try to make sense of all of this, it seems that so many of things that are coming up about my stbx are actually more about my FOO. It is like all of this stuff is coming together in one big ball of emotion and I don't know how to talk about it or make sense out of it without feeling completely misunderstood at times.

It sounds like you were really stressed and maybe even frightened (at least from a physiological standpoint), so I think your reaction was quite understandable. The suggestions on this thread are great, and I'm confident you will feel better in these situations with time (I certainly feel much less reactive than I did just out of my relationship). Some things may still be raw for you, and I hope you'll be gentle with yourself. Maybe you "know better," but in the throes of a stressful emotional response, it's not always possible to react the way we feel we should.  

I feel like I had a big success today. STBX came over to bring some stuff for the kids. We were talking pretty cordially. He blurted out something that got under my skin. I didn't try to ignore it or squash it. I told him, "I wish you hadn't said that. That was very triggering for me and I am feeling pretty unsettled. I can't talk any more." He left shortly afterwards. Before it was even fully out of his mouth, I could feel my whole body tense up and I had this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I listened to it and spoke up rather than sitting quietly hoping that it would all would go away.

I wasn't frightened. Nothing about my stbx frightens me.

[heartandwhole]

I could feel my whole body tense up and I had this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I listened to it and spoke up rather than sitting quietly hoping that it would all would go away.

That sounds like success to me, too. Well done. 

[vortex of confusion]

I could feel my whole body tense up and I had this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I listened to it and spoke up rather than sitting quietly hoping that it would all would go away.

That sounds like success to me, too. Well done. 

Thank you for the encouragement!

I feel like I am on a bit of a roll this week. He has been out of the house since March. I told him that I wasn't going to take care of his plant. He left it anyway. When he stopped by to bring something over for the kids, one of the kids pointed out that it was looking kind of wilted and sick. He said something about it not being watered, blah, blah, blah. I calmly spoke up and said, "I told you I wasn't going to take care of your plant. You need to take it with you." And he did! Holy cow! That plant has been sitting there getting on my last nerve since he left.

I am seriously thinking about rearranging my entire living room. For years, he told me that I couldn't put the TV on a certain wall for this reason or that reason. By golly, I think I am going to put the TV on that wall.

I am trying to put him into the same category that I put my FOO in. I still have a relationship with my parents and one of my siblings. The other siblings have been put in the NC category and will stay there. I have to put up nice big barriers in my mind so that I am not longer bothered by him or anything he says or does as long as it is not abusive. If he can't act right, then he can go on the NC or LC list along with my sisters. It kind of irritates me that I have been so hesitant to put him in the same category as my FOO.

It has become so unbelievably obvious that I have pretty much been repeating the same BS for years. UGH!

[Grey Kitty]

I was thinking about your feeling of "flip-flopping". I think you probably are doing something that is indeed bouncing between a couple extremes, but I wouldn't refer to it that way.

Flip-Flopping implies that you have no true convictions, and kinda randomly change based on which way you feel the wind blowing, or something. I don't think that is the case at all.

Instead, I think it is all about learning to take a new healthy path where you stand up for yourself, without harming others (when you can avoid it).

You learned to ignore your own needs and desires growing up, and in your marriage. You stuffed that until you couldn't anymore. Then got angry enough to do SOMETHING that took care of yourself. Often out of control and attacking others like stbex.

Rather than flip-flopping, I view it as making course corrections to refine your direction. You were WAAAAAAYYY off course on the sacrificing yourself side. You took a hard left, got past the middle ground and blew up at stbex. Realized that this was too far off course in the other direction, and turned back to the right, pretty sharply.

These adjustments will continue. Over time, you will do better at steering toward the middle ground, and not have to make adjustments that are smaller, because you don't go quite as far afield.

It is a new skill. You are still working it out. It will take time to refine it. And when you steer into new territory, it is gonna feel strange and uncomfortable for a while.

[vortex of confusion]

Rather than flip-flopping, I view it as making course corrections to refine your direction. You were WAAAAAAYYY off course on the sacrificing yourself side. You took a hard left, got past the middle ground and blew up at stbex. Realized that this was too far off course in the other direction, and turned back to the right, pretty sharply.

These adjustments will continue. Over time, you will do better at steering toward the middle ground, and not have to make adjustments that are smaller, because you don't go quite as far afield.

It is a new skill. You are still working it out. It will take time to refine it. And when you steer into new territory, it is gonna feel strange and uncomfortable for a while.

Thank you for this! Seeing it like this will help me to find that middle ground without beating myself up so much. It is definitely a process and it isn't easy.