Supporting mom after divorce

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hey there.

I'm usually in the Co-parenting sector, posting as a stepmom, but this time it's different.

My parents broke up a couple of years ago. It was nasty. My dad used to Show NPD traits for years but right now it's really hard for my mom to deal with him showing BPD traits as well.

My mom was humiliated by him so many times during the past few years, always in hope that this was just a mid-life crisis and until a few weeks ago, making efforts to reconcile. As someone who hasn't been in a BPD relationship myself, but having read through this Forum a lot, this sounds familiar. My motehr herself doesn't want to come here.

She used to come to me a lot lately whenever my dad stepped over her boundaries to Kind of cry her heart out. I had to come to Terms wit hthe humiliation my father provided me with during the Separation as well and right now, we're in contact every once in a while. He calls me, we talk, he Comes over to visit and whenever we Need something, he offers help. It's as good as it can get right now.

I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. My mom hasn't been able to move on and my brother (who always used to comfort her) is not available due to personal Problems right now. When I told her that I am not the right Person to talk to about their marital/divorce/interpersonal issues, she felt rejected. She promised to see a therapist months ago, but so far "didn't find the time" or "didn't get anyone on the phone" or "everyone was on Holiday".

My dad isn't having any of it. After years of lying, cheating and humiliating my mother and me he's like "you brought this upon yourself by not forgiving me fast enough" and threatening to have my grandmother go NC with my mother (FOG, anyone?).

I mean, I am their daughter. I'm having a hard time forgiving my father and having a decent convo with him at times and my mother bringing him up, showing me his abusive Texts and reciting their conversations doesn't make it easier. They both Claim not wanting me to pick a side (I'm honestly more on mom's side after everything that happened). But to me it seems like a fight over my loyalty.

Can anyone help?

[catclaw]

Hey there.

I'm usually in the Co-parenting sector, posting as a stepmom, but this time it's different.

My parents broke up a couple of years ago. It was nasty. My dad used to Show NPD traits for years but right now it's really hard for my mom to deal with him showing BPD traits as well.

My mom was humiliated by him so many times during the past few years, always in hope that this was just a mid-life crisis and until a few weeks ago, making efforts to reconcile. As someone who hasn't been in a BPD relationship myself, but having read through this Forum a lot, this sounds familiar. My motehr herself doesn't want to come here.

She used to come to me a lot lately whenever my dad stepped over her boundaries to Kind of cry her heart out. I had to come to Terms wit hthe humiliation my father provided me with during the Separation as well and right now, we're in contact every once in a while. He calls me, we talk, he Comes over to visit and whenever we Need something, he offers help. It's as good as it can get right now.

I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. My mom hasn't been able to move on and my brother (who always used to comfort her) is not available due to personal Problems right now. When I told her that I am not the right Person to talk to about their marital/divorce/interpersonal issues, she felt rejected. She promised to see a therapist months ago, but so far "didn't find the time" or "didn't get anyone on the phone" or "everyone was on Holiday".

My dad isn't having any of it. After years of lying, cheating and humiliating my mother and me he's like "you brought this upon yourself by not forgiving me fast enough" and threatening to have my grandmother go NC with my mother (FOG, anyone?).

I mean, I am their daughter. I'm having a hard time forgiving my father and having a decent convo with him at times and my mother bringing him up, showing me his abusive Texts and reciting their conversations doesn't make it easier. They both Claim not wanting me to pick a side (I'm honestly more on mom's side after everything that happened). But to me it seems like a fight over my loyalty.

Can anyone help?

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY catclaw:

Sounds like you are in a difficult place.  Unfortunately, your mom can't work though this by proxy.

Perhaps you need to enforce your own boundary with your mom and decline to read the texts that your mom gets from your dad. Once your mom loses both you and your brother as her therapist, she may be more motivated to get into some therapy.  Perhaps you could help with selecting a therapist and making an appointment.

Sometime baby steps can lead to a sprint.  The book "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" can be helpful.  Perhaps you could assist her in getting the book.  It is available in audio form, Kindle and paperback.  I used the audio book.

If she won't come to the website, perhaps you could print out a few of the lessons for her.  If you send her the link to a particular lesson, perhaps it could be the start of her becoming more comfortable with the website.  It appears to be common that posters read lessons and follow posts for a period of time, before jumping in and making a post.

Any thoughts on what might help your mom most right now?  Perhaps Ruminations or Radical Acceptance (Links Below)

bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0;all

bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0;all

Does your mom need some coping skills?

[Kwamina]

Hi catclaw

This is a difficult and unpleasant situation to be in.

There is only so much you can do though if your mom is unwilling to get help. She promised to see a therapist but unfortunately has not done this yet.

'Using' you as her personal therapist would place a significant burden on you and I agree with what you told her that you are not the right person to talk to about these things. Boundaries are very important to preserve our own well-being so I understand why you want to set a boundary here. You also say your dad steps over your mother's boundaries, do you feel your mother is able to set and enforce/boundaries with your dad or people in general?

It is clear you want this situation to change. You can't change your parents, but what you can do is change your own behavior, for instance by setting boundaries and applying assertive communication techniques such as S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N. You have already been here awhile posting on the Co-Parenting board. Do you feel comfortable using techniques such as S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N.?

Take care