Insecurity, my problem or hers?

[CrazyChuck]

What happened last night happens about once every six months. My uBPDw tells me she loves me fairly often. And then sometimes she will go a week or two without saying it. I will say Love you, and she will just smile, or just say I know. And then I will get to the point where we will be eating dinner and I will just say Love you, and when she says I know, I will say Do you love me. This will always piss her off. I will get a lecture about how she hates insecurity and if I feel the need to be told that I am loved, then there is a problem with me. She might even go into how it is a form of narcissism. And how she hates when I ask.

The same thing happened once when she was going on about how good looking a man was on TV. I thought about how it has been a long time that she has said I was good looking. I tell her she is beautiful several times a day. Because she is very beautiful. So when she was going on about how good looking this guy was on TV, I said Come on, he is not better looking than me. She laughed and I replied You don’t think I am good looking. To which she said You are ok. This hurt my feelings and she noticed. She then got very angry and said I was being insecure and she hates insecurity. That I can’t be that narcissistic that I need to be reassured that I’m good looking.

So I was thinking last night. If I know asking if she loves me, or if she thinks I’m good looking, is going to make her angry. Why do I still do it? Is this my problem?

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[an0ught]

Hi CrazyChuck,

it is nice to get such validation but relying on it coming consistently from a pwBPD - you got a problem right there. As you are the only one who can deal with it then it is your problem. This is not saying something is wrong with you just that you got an issue in the interaction in the relationship and the only one that can deal with it is you.

We get landed with an unfair generous share of the issues in the relationship.

[Hmcbart]

I went through this a few years ago.  When I was finally coming out of the fog.  AnOught was right, relying on validation from someone with BPD is a lesson in futility.  I believe it's a form of affection and it's just a nice thing to do for your SO, but it's definitely a one way street.  I was told I was being insecure and other things.  I was just asking to here her say something nice and be told I live you.  According to her, I wanted her to call me just to say I love you and to send me love notes all the time.  She then asked "what are you a teenager?". 

For me there was a lot of insecurity.  I had always felt something was different.  Especially after we would visit friends and I'd see how they acted towards each other.  I could see the actual affection that I never had.  Then the fog cleared and I started to learn about BPD.  She isn't diagnosed but after 20 years together, I'm pretty sure I can make that diagnoses.  Yes, 20 years, I'm a slow learner.  I have since learned that it's not going to happen from her.  I have noticed that she shows more affection when other women act affectionate towards me.  I laugh to myself now because I know how things work. 

Find some good friends that are good about showing affection and validation.  Male or female doesn't matter,  it's just nice to be hear that you are not the cause of everything bad in this world and that you are loved by someone. 

[Horus]

Insecurity is not the issue here if u ask me. I think the problem is not being able to reciprocate... .I don't think its unreasonable to expect your mate to tell you that they love you  every now and again. That gesture goes a long way and if my mate didn't say it back to me than I would think something is wrong also... .I believe that is one of the ways that people in relationships measure if something is wrong , by the way your mate answers the question can tell you a lot. So don't take it as being insecure, I see it as being aware of how your mate feels and being involved... .I hope this helps... .

[BestVersionOfMe]

I think it is definitely insecurity on your part and making your wife your emotional center.  In other words you are relying, in large part, for her to make you happy.  Not to mention, you are telling her you love her in order to get a response from her, and that is not unconditional love, it is love with strings attached.  Having a BPD spouse is so tough and so I totally understand what you are going through.  If you are choosing to remain with your BPD spouse then you will have to work very hard on how you react to what she does or what she says because you can't change her or make her tell her that she loves you.  In regards to asking her if she loves you or is good looking, I'd avoid doing that at all.  It comes off as super-needy and insecure and frankly unattractive.  Whether your wife has BPD or not, she still has all the tools to find you attractive, but only if you are a confident centered man.  Confident centered me don't worry about what their wife says or thinks about them and that is the very part that women, even ones with BPD, find attractive.  Have you ever read or researched about attraction and how to communicate with women?  Reacting to her comments about a guy on tv is also unattractive.  The truth is that these are all tests by her to see if you are strong and centered.  Each time you react the wrong way you are failing to make her feel safe and feeling safe = love and attraction.  Sorry if these comments are fully straight forward, but your post was a spitting image of me about 2 years ago.  Feel free to pm me for some suggestive reading. 

[CrazyChuck]

I think it is definitely insecurity on your part and making your wife your emotional center. 

That is true. I am looking for validation. Sometimes I wish I had a switch to turn off my feelings.

[BestVersionOfMe]

I think it is definitely insecurity on your part and making your wife your emotional center. 

That is true. I am looking for validation. Sometimes I wish I had a switch to turn off my feelings.

I know it is hard, I struggle with it daily man.  Your wife told you the problem, which is that you are insecure.  Women want a grounded man that has his own passions, interests, and life.  Do you realize that being insecure and needy makes her feel unsafe?    That switch you are talking about is within your subconscious thoughts.  It is a result of thinking deep down that being happy is reliant on another person.  The reality is happiness is something that we create.  I have found that reading and learning about other things besides BPD is the only way to make significant changes in ourselves.  If we hang our hat on BPD, then we have the perfect excuse to never work on becoming the best versions of ourselves.