Accepting my BPDxbf is both abusive and has BPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been reading 'Why does he do that? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft, a male professional who has been working with male abusers in abuser programmes for 20+ years.

I'm ploughing through the book for the second time and find I'm feeling quite sad this time, whereas I was angry during the first reading of it. I am concluding that the chances of my BPDxbf ever being capable of having a healthy relationship with me are negligible even if he has lots of therapy and spends a couple of years in a programme for abusers. Apparently, psychotherapy simply makes for a happy, well adjusted abuser - it is their values that need to change. And even programmes for batterers impact upon only a small proportion of abusers and usually that impact is small and often they revert to type gradually anyway.

According to the author's experience, my BPDxbf's ASPD and NPD traits place him in the category of abusers who are most resistant to change and his BPD psychosis, ASPD, delusional/hallucinatory symptoms and paranoia place him in the category of most dangerous abuser. I am struggling to accept this. I can now see that my BPDxbf knew exactly what he was doing when he treated me badly, he even admitted as much on occasion. My fantasies about him are crumbling around me. I know that's a good thing but I liked being in love and I miss it. I'm not in love anymore. Anything I ever felt for him has crumbled to dust.

Lifewriter x

[Lifewriter16]

I have been reading 'Why does he do that? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft, a male professional who has been working with male abusers in abuser programmes for 20+ years.

I'm ploughing through the book for the second time and find I'm feeling quite sad this time, whereas I was angry during the first reading of it. I am concluding that the chances of my BPDxbf ever being capable of having a healthy relationship with me are negligible even if he has lots of therapy and spends a couple of years in a programme for abusers. Apparently, psychotherapy simply makes for a happy, well adjusted abuser - it is their values that need to change. And even programmes for batterers impact upon only a small proportion of abusers and usually that impact is small and often they revert to type gradually anyway.

According to the author's experience, my BPDxbf's ASPD and NPD traits place him in the category of abusers who are most resistant to change and his BPD psychosis, ASPD, delusional/hallucinatory symptoms and paranoia place him in the category of most dangerous abuser. I am struggling to accept this. I can now see that my BPDxbf knew exactly what he was doing when he treated me badly, he even admitted as much on occasion. My fantasies about him are crumbling around me. I know that's a good thing but I liked being in love and I miss it. I'm not in love anymore. Anything I ever felt for him has crumbled to dust.

Lifewriter x

[HurtinNW]

Lifewriter, I can relate. Just this week I think I am accepting that my ex is abusive. Not temporarily abusive. Not this-can-get-better abusive. Not he-needs-help abusive. But that there is something deeply and perhaps permanently wrong with him, something I cannot fix. Whatever the name for it, it means he is unhealthy. Not just for me but for anyone.

I just looked that book up on Goodreads and saw all the amazing reviews, and read about it. So I ordered it. I bet it will be helpful for me, too!

[Lifewriter16]

It's a tremendous book, though I do disagree with the author on one premise. You'll spot it throughout. It doesn't take away from the message for women though, in my opinion.

I'm feeling scared, Hurtin.

After I pressed 'Post', I felt it was right to delete the email account my BPDxbf usually contacts me through. But, it's struck me that he will realise I've done so when he tries to contact me to update me on his experiences in court and I don't know how he will take it. I have no idea whether I need to be worried or not. I think I'd better talk to one of the workers at the domestic violence project, just in case. I suspect I'm probably worrying over nothing but I feel frightened now. It's probably an overactive imagination.

LW x

[Herodias]

I read it too. It is very discouraging. I think that is why I feel so strongly about mine knowing what he was doing as well. He actually asked me if he was abusive... .he didn't seem to think he was, but was that an act? He told me that the men in the anger management all thought women were the crazy ones. I don't think he sees himself as an abuser... .just someone who wants to have control and not be controlled. The domestic violence people told me mine looked really mean when they saw him. I never saw him that way... .they told me he could be a sociopath. I see mine as having NPD and Anti-Social tendencies. Where I get confused is with all of the child like behavior, the needing attention, the tantrums  and the not wanting to be abandoned. But when he flipped a switch in his head, that was it. It was like he was cold and had no empathy. Weird.

[HurtinNW]

It's a tremendous book, though I do disagree with the author on one premise. You'll spot it throughout. It doesn't take away from the message for women though, in my opinion.

I'm feeling scared, Hurtin.

After I pressed 'Post', I felt it was right to delete the email account my BPDxbf usually contacts me through. But, it's struck me that he will realise I've done so when he tries to contact me to update me on his experiences in court and I don't know how he will take it. I have no idea whether I need to be worried or not. I think I'd better talk to one of the workers at the domestic violence project, just in case. I suspect I'm probably worrying over nothing but I feel frightened now. It's probably an overactive imagination.

LW x

Don't sell your gut instincts short, Lifewriter. I want you to be safe, and I know everyone else here does too. And your ex is a violent person. I'd trust your instincts and consult with your worker at the DV group for how to safely disengage.

Sending you tons of hugs and support!   

Herodias: It occurred to me that the child-like behavior is actually another form of coldness, too. Children typically are needy, but haven't developed empathy or remorse. So acting babyish or childlike is another form of acting without a conscience. Not necessarily deliberately. But definitely immaturely.

[Wize]

Hi LW.  Those are some really interesting insights into abusive behaviors and the motivations behind them.  On shrink4men, they just come right out and call pwBPD bullies.  And that's exactly what they are.  pwBPD are extremely insecure and as a result they have a compelling need to feel better about themselves.  They do this by preying on people who have a noticeable disadvantage.  That's us.  And we're at the disadvantage because we love these people.  They use our love for them against us. 

My wife would abuse me most severely right after I would profess my undying love to her.  My expression of love would trigger her insecurities, she'd see my vulnerable and compassionate state and she'd unleash some very hurtful comments. Over time, this became traumatic for me.  Did my wife care, did she even realize that she was hurting me?  How could she not?  Her comments were so specific and targeted that she knew exactly where to hit me.  She, just like your ex, is a bully.   

[Hopefulgirl]

Lifewriter16,

The best thing is that you are not in love anymore. You can handle mourning not being in love because the alternate is dangerous.