I took my kids and left

[UnfadingLife]

My only response to the many more texts was "This is why I can not speak to you right now"
I should have gone to therapy this past week to learn skills in how to deal. I learned a lot from this site, but there's still that little part of me questioning my own sanity. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe it IS all me.
I get the keeping a notebook thing now. When my friend suggested it, I said that It's all listed in my brain. But when my brain starts to get twisted, I can't reach that list.
His anger at me taking a stand has never been to this level. I'm kind of afraid of what he'll do next because it's Un-chartered territory.

[formflier]

My only response to the many more texts was "This is why I can not speak to you right now"
 
His anger at me taking a stand has never been to this level. I'm kind of afraid of what he'll do next because it's Un-chartered territory.

It's ok to realize that you have fear.  That is a valid emotion.  Making decisions based on fear going away... .vice an emotionally healthy decision is what has gotten you to where you are.

No... it's not all your fault.  But you ARE 100% responsible for your decisions and whether or not you use fear in your decision making process.

Response to texts:  This is where a T is excellent.  We can help some.  Here are some pointers.

Stop trying to prove or make points via text  Can you see how that your response was an attempt to get him to "see your side"?  There is way too much abuse and "bleeding" from the r/s to have this type of conversation via text... .or in person... .without somebody trained to help.

I would suggest making calls and setting up a MC or mediator... .or other kind of T where you can both be in same room and share information and communicate.  No other goals than to communicate in a healthy way. 

What you are doing via text IS NOT HEALTHY  Yes, there are far worse choices.  Perhaps you can start separate thread and post some text exchanges.  We can help you lower temp.

So, perhaps something like this.  "(name), I will be meeting with family therapist on Tuesday at 4pm, to work on a plan to heal relationships in our family.  I hope you can attend."

Try to pick a time that you know he can make it. 

Healing relationships is important, even if marriage is over.  You are still parents. 

If he doesn't attend, the FT can still help you with your kids.

FF

[UnfadingLife]

It's very embarrassing to post the conversations because he is saying to me the things I have always said to him and he's wording it as though someone else is reading them. So, maybe everyone should read them. By the way, he doesn't work today and is home This is his fifth long text to me this morning. Each one like this. Digs, humiliation, bait and accusations.

Him:
I know you told me that all the utilities have been paid, but I wanted to make sure we don't have any surprises.  The electrical power has been shutting off and on and it made me think to ask you again to make sure we're ok.   It turned off last night a coupe of times.    I hope you're doing fine.

Me:
Nothing is fine Russ. Nothing will ever be fine again.

Him:
I'm just glad you stopped drinking - I really didn't realize that it was that out of control.  But I get it now.    I hope by my asking you a question just now doesn't cause an argument between us.    Will you please tell me if the Pod people are coming this weekend and what time to pick up this thing.  It looks bad out there.  

Me:
Yeah. It is a shame I had to tell you myself for you to know that something was wrong. But by then, it was too late. I had already saved myself. I did not need you.  Too bad you continue to throw it in my face rather than be proud of me.  That's what a partner would do.

Him:
First off I'm proud of you, that must have taken a lot.  Again I didn't realize that it was that big of a problem.  I only thought it was a phase since you were always so against alcohol.  People were telling me that your having a problem with it, but I was defending you and saying that your just going through something right now.    I thought that it only started after you met that girl from Oklahoma, but I guess it was long before that.    I really thought you had control- but now that I think of the cigarettes, the pot and now the alcohol, it was very possible.     I'm sorry for not carrying enough to ask you, but it wouldn't have been easy discussing something like that with you.  We could hardly talk about anything.

Next him:

I distance myself from you instead of trying to work with you.  This is what I've been discussing with George over the past few months trying to understand it all.

Next him:
So has your mom been busy calling every divorce attorney in the Ventura and LA countries hoping that I won't be able to hire one if I needed to. Lol.

Next hiM:
We do need to talk about a lot of things.    Steven is one of them.  I told him that he cannot move in with us.  It's a long story he told me - your plans for him to move in and we'll buy a trailer that he can live in and make payments to us ?  What... . I didn't agree to this or know of any such thing.  He's at the house now but he had left the same day you did and I never got a thank you or a goodbye.  He just left.  And now he's back... ?   Please let him know that we have enough problems right now and that I won't have another situation like we did with everyone else that has lived with us.    Regardless what happens to us - he's not to stay here for very long.    The dogs and cats are all freaky sad and we'll need to figure that out too.    Can you please stop the food from coming through the mail.  It's still coming and I don't have much places to put it.  I'm not cooking it so just to let you know that its piling up.    Thoughts?

Next him:
Magi since you haven't responded to anything hardly - please tell me that your mom is not loading you up with pain killer Meds ?  
(My mother is an addict as well as a narcissist.)

Next ME:
Nope. I came here to clear my head.  Last place I wanted to go to but I needed to remove myself and the boys from a volatile situation.

Him;

Magi we should talk - the more time that goes by is starting to make me realize that change is good and if we're going to make it, it better be before were at a point of no return.   You haven't responded to any of my valid questions.    I've got your animals and now Steven and it's all very uneasy.  You started something and than left it to me.  I don't need more people living with me, I want less if anything.  Where are you getting money to live over there?  You should call me - I need a plan and we need to discuss one.   Thanks.

Next  text him.
Do you want to spend money on attorneys or would you consider working it out like Bobby and Rosa did?  
I need a plan - do you want to stay together and work it out between us or wait until something ugly happens.  I have zero tolerance for this kind of stuff.
Please think about what we have together, good or bad in your own eyes.  I've never asked you to do anything that I'm not willing to do myself.  
I'm not trying to upset you to making you want to call me I'm just saying don't let too much time go by because this takes two people to figure out.  I don't want to assume anything yet, but people are going to start wondering.  So far none of the family knows about anything, other than Rod Christy Binky and Brenna knows what's going on.  My parents are coming next week to pick up the car.  
Please stop with all the poor poor Magi, look what Russ has done to you, you poor thing.  I was good to you in so many ways in spite of how much you put me down to people that would listen to you.  
Don't call me screaming - talk like an adult and I promise you we can make a good plan very quickly without the drama!  Please no drama.  

My response:  
That's exactly why I can't talk to you right now.

[UnfadingLife]

Continued:
Him:
Then tell me right now that your still in this for the long haul or looking for the right time to walk a away.  This is all that I need for now !  But be very very honest to you and me - please.  I don't believe your getting the right help you need being at your mothers.    Remember - she wants what you have and if she can't have it she'll make sure you don't.  You are right now the clutches of a very very bad sprint - George said you need to get out of there as fast as you can.  Wakeup Magi !

Next him:
You're being completely disrespectful by not responding to anything.  This is my point - you have zero respect or appreciation for me and what you had.  To not reply to much needed questions or concerns is amazing.  You want nothing to do with marriage counseling or rehab, so what gives ?     I will not be sending or bothering you anymore.  Sorry I was just trying to reach out to you.

Me:
Just because you say things, it doesn't make it the truth.  Just because you think things, it doesn't make it reality. the more you talk, the harder you make it for me to ever think that things will ever change. 

Him:
You have my love completely !  But it's only words, I know, but that's all I have if you wouldn't hear them in the most negative light. 


Than the calls started... .

[formflier]

Have you guys ever done MC or any kind of family T?

He seems open.

Couple comments:

Stop arguing with him about his reality... .or yours.  He gets to think and feel... .whatever he wants.  As do you.

You are sending him some big zingers (I don't need you... .etc etc).  You need to stop that.

While they may feel satisfying... .and he may deserve them.  Relationships are not about giving the other person what they deserve

That kind of thinking puts you in the judge seat... .

Much better to look at yourself and what you bring to the r/s.

Listen:  It's obvious you are struggling with a lot of pain.  I recommend upping the self care regimen and finding a good T.  (Have you ever done T before?)

Cultivate a habit of looking to yourself to solve and deal with your pain.  Let others deal with theirs.

FF

[UnfadingLife]

Nothing he is saying has any truth to it. He's not open to anything unless the outcome will be what he wants it to be.
I tried MC. He wouldn't go. Said MC will just tell him he should t be with me. Then I realized that he wouldn't be honest and genuine anyway. He'd fake it till he made sure they think he's perfect and I'm an ingrate.
I read the posts in ":)etaching from the wounds of a failed BPR relationship" and I was amazed how all these people, who where likely in this thread a year ago, are all kicking themselves for wasting so much time!  Its very inspiring to read. Also, quite funny at times.

[formflier]

He can speak the truth... .or not.

Don't argue with him about it... .or point out the difference.  It is likely a tactic to get a reaction on his part.

Did you actually go to MC and he didn't show up?

Might be better to try family counseling to learn to be more effective parents.  Make it about the kid.

FF

[UnfadingLife]

Agreed. It does need to be about the kids and what's best. On things for sure, they are not ever going to see me weak again. They are not going to think that the way their father treats their mother is okay because mom will always be there to excuse it.  They won't think it's okay for dad to never spend time with them, never praise them, always point out the bad, never see good, be void of emotion, have a lack of compassion or understanding... .most importantly, not be an example as parents and partners working together towards the same goal. He will question them, use them to make a point with me, make negative comments about me in an attempt to "win them over" in some war that I DONT WANT TO BE A PART OF and I can't call a truce because when he wins, it excuses his actions.
Oh, first the excuses, THAN the denial!
My kids are 10 and 12. They are my life. No doubt about it. As hard as I have tried to not mess them up, I have. Now it's just a matter of how bad.
I will be seeking therapy as soon as I go home. Actually, Monday, I'm going to call around for a phone session. I'm starting to think I'm the one with BPR. I'm the insane one and he is perfect. I should have insisted on MC. I didn't. And I think it's too late. Therapy for me and FC for my kids and I, that right now is my number one priority. Unfortunately, I am too scared to go home now because he is raging and I am scared of what he might be capible of.
So, in the meantime, I am stuck in the desert in the middle of nowhere. It's 116 degrees outside and a meat locker temp my mother keeps the house at inside. The nearest grocery store is 20 miles away. I have every extreme emotion from terror to relief to excitement  and back to fear with some onset of confusion running through my body.  My body aches, my heart hurts, a part of me misses that dysfunctional life, a larger part wants a new one. But I don't know how to do anything in a healthy way. And I want to try to, but I'm stuck in the middle of the desert in Arizona, 400 miles away from my California home kinda afraid to go back.
I know I'm not handling any of this correctly but I wasn't raised in the healthiest environment either. I'm learning. And I'm trying. The best way I know how.

[formflier]

     

You are doing your best!  You have made a commitment to make your best... .better.

Keep the focus on you and what you can do to make your family better. 

FC is for the entire family... .invite him too.  Respect his choice. 

Stay away from making statements about "too late" for MC or "over".

I will agree with Grey Kitty that you sound pretty done with him.  Keep talking to us about your feelings about that.  DO NOT talk to your hubby about it. 

There is a lot for you to sort out about how you are going to live your life.  Looking forward to hearing how the phone calls go on Monday.

Focus on small steps... .healthy steps.  You don't have to figure the rest of your life out.  Just the next step.

FF