Joined eHarmony to help me detach and move on

[Herodias]

And to be clear Wize, a new relationship isn't necessarily a good detachment tool, in that bouncing from one relationship to another without fully processing the last one is a good way to repeat the same things all over again, maybe more intensely because the emotional energy from the last relationship hasn't dissipated yet, or been suppressed, so it shows up in the new relationship.

When we survey the members, one of the commonalities is that they entered into their relationship when they were at a vulnerable time in their life - someone validated their self-worth and away they went into a relationship fought with land mines. Post divorce is a commonly cited.

On the flip side of this, how safe are you as a dating partner. Dating articles (and advisors here) will say that someone less than a year divorced is at "high risk" for casing their partner emotional injury - the ever destructive rebound relationship.

I'm not telling you what to do - just providing some perspective and self-awareness.  What you are saying here has been said many times and in many places.

Can you beat these odds? That is for you to decide, but the comments you are making at this point are very typical of many that did not.

Be smart.

Don't get hurt.

Don't hurt someone else as part of your recovery.

Thanks Skip... .this advice sounds really good.

[Wize]

That sounds difficult to deal with Wize. Divorces are some of the biggest life events to some people so it makes sense to be trying to cope. From there, I would be expecting you to be untangling yourself from this situation. It seems to me very, very normal for people undergoing divorce to disentangle themselves, recover, and take steps to inventory their life. Emotionally I'd also expect to feel some amount of... .entangled and emotionally confused. It's good for us to support each other in these times of our lives.

If that describes how you might be feeling Wize, then it might make it difficult for you to commit to another person.

I've just an honest and non-judgmental question Wize. I want to emphasise that I'm simply neutral, inquisitive, and interested. I'd also encourage you with the note that having a personal opinion is a freedom.

Suppose you're meeting a woman. This woman is going through a divorce process and is simultaneously actively dating--using a high-traffic social dating platform. About her now--how do you feel?

Very good words, gb.  Thank you.  And thank you for making me think deeper about what I'm doing.

This divorce is a big life event for me, no doubt.  And, as Skip said, my stbx wife caught me at a very vulnerable time in my life.  I was lonely and unhappy.  I needed this relationship to remind me that filling my loneliness with a partner simply for the sake of having someone is a poor decision, to say the least. 

But the thing is, in my heart, I know I'm ready for a real, deep, meaningful long term relationship. And I was totally prepared to have that with my ex.  But she turned out to be mentally ill.  Something I didn't see coming.  I was blindsided. 

I'll admit, part of my motivation to jump back into dating is my bouts of extreme loneliness. I'm freaking tired of being alone, single.  I'm 43 and I've been alone most of my adult life and I'm sick of it.  But I don't want just anyone.  I want someone who truly fits me and I will wait for that.  I will take any new relationship slowly. 

To your question, gb.  I met my wife while she was still married and going through a divorce.  We got married one day after her divorce from him was final.  Would I date a woman going through a divorce? It honestly depends on the situation.  But yeah, I'd be a little skeptical.

[hurting300]

Hurting, watch out for those grocery stores! I met mine there! Not sure if you mean working there or shopping, but from what I know- the ones that work there are all screwing around- well, many of them! I know of a friends daughter who went through the same thing I did. My ex was a manager and screwed around with lots of women there, married or not. It's sick.

I was shopping and so was she. We just bumped into each other.

[gotbushels]

Thanks for your honest sharing Wize. I admire your non-fault-finding thoughts. I sometimes catch me judging me--especially when it comes to loneliness. That gets in my way.

I know that lonely feeling. I could tell you reams about the depth, breadth, and height of that loneliness. Loneliness was a causal link that led me to "stumble upon" a BP relationship. It helped me understand my ex's black hole. Sometimes--we simply can't fill holes and vice versa--so why do we try?

Loneliness is considered normal. It's a need that's historically catalogued to be lifelong. It appears here to me in some excess. If it irks you like it sometimes does me--I encourage you to ask--"Why does it irk me?" Sometimes, the unasked road is same as the disregarded road.

And, as Skip said, my stbx wife caught me at a very vulnerable time in my life.  I was lonely and unhappy.  I needed this relationship to remind me that filling my loneliness with a partner simply for the sake of having someone is a poor decision, to say the least.  

I'll admit, part of my motivation to jump back into dating is my bouts of extreme loneliness. I'm freaking tired of being alone, single. I'm 43 and I've been alone most of my adult life and I'm sick of it.  But I don't want just anyone. I want someone who truly fits me and I will wait for that.  I will take any new relationship slowly.  

I hope you find rest.