Coming to terms but viewing the scars

[EAE785]

  This is my first post here.

My Mom had BPD and was apparently diagnosed over a decade ago but left therapy after she was diagnosed and hid everything from us. Growing up with her was textbook BPD. She was amazing to everyone else. Charismatic, kind, loving, and revered by people in town. Behind closed doors she would rage, and all of her actions were unpredictable. My Father was her anchor and definitely kept the worst of it at bay.

Unfortunately, he passed away when I was 14 and my Mom went off the rails. It was during that time she was diagnosed. She abandoned my middle sister and I to care for ourselves and would go out with friends and soon after began dating. Also during that time my oldest sisters symptoms were greatly triggered.

She would act like she was loving and then take information to use it against you. Her biggest thing was saying she wanted to prove that I wasn't good. If I told my Mom I would only get her rage for annoying her with it. My middle sister had escaped to college and I don't think she wanted to look back. I don't blame her as she took the brunt of my Mom's physical rage.

I have lived my whole life being put down, criticized, and second guessing everything I did. I had no clue the impact and scars that were left behind from all of this.

My Mom passed away 2 years ago and while its somewhat a relief to not deal with the emotional manipulating, gaslighting, and attacks I of course, miss her sometimes. In the mean time, my oldest sister has Split me a few times over the last 5 years. Recently she decided to cycle me back and stopped talking to my other sister. We refer to it as "who has custody" of her.

This time, she threw me off so terribly because she just came back into my life after treating me TERRIBLY when I was my Mom's caretaker, at the funeral, at my other sister's wedding, trying to block me from my parent's things, and good lord there is more. She takes no responsibility and talks to me like everything is roses. It is work to talk to her and the stress of it all made me depressed, gain weight and spiral. When I finally went to therapy and told the therapist what my Mom's diagnosis was (SIDENOTE my other sister is a psychologist and told me she also felt my sister had this) she went to work with me. I've read Stop Walking on Eggshells and have delved into some other books. Needless to say they sometimes have me sobbing. I can't believe the impact all of this has had on me. Now putting up the boundaries with my sister have been trying. I chest tightens every time she calls me and stalks me online.

I want to shout from the rooftops THIS IS WHAT SHE DOES. I'm afraid of her and she does tend to retaliate. The only thing in my favor is my other sister and I are on the same page and have banded together... .I'm afraid I'll never know what normal is.

Anyway... .this is my Hi I hope someone relates with me and I'm misty eyed knowing I'm not alone. They say the Dead Parents club is the one you don't want to be a part of but wow this club... .I'm still figuring out the words for it... .

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY EAE785

WELCOME TO BPD FAMILY

I''m so sorry for your pain, first you mom and then you sister.  That's a lot to deal with. My uBPD sis went off the rails when our parents health started to decline, and they both passed within 6 months of each other.  I didn't know about BPD at the time.  I was split a couple of times and ended up in the black zone.  With all we went through, it would have been a time that you would think that sisters can get closer and lean on each other.  I can't imagine what you have been through, but I've felt that I've been tripped and then stomped on.

Interesting that your other sister is a psychologist and that you BPDs won't talk to her.  Can you psychologist sister pinpoint an event or issue that may have caused that behavior?  It goes to show how tough it can be to deal with a person with BPD (pwBPD).

Now putting up the boundaries with my sister have been trying. I chest tightens every time she calls me and stalks me online.

Have you thought about taking actions to eliminate the online stocking?  Is it Facebook?  How about taking a vacation from online media or create a new account (s) that BPDs doesn't know about?

What are you doing for your stress management?  Are you journaling, getting exercise and perhaps some mindfulness exercises or meditation?

Other than boundaries, is there any skill/technique you have been working on? (per you psychologist sister or therapist's coaching).  

There is a lot of good information on this Website that you should find helpful.  There are some links on the right hand side of the page.  You can, also, go to "The Learning Center" area on the board (find the main index page or use the navigation drop-down at the bottom of this page).  The links below are likely helpful:


Here is a link to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG):

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

This link is to a Discussion Thread - What it means to be in the "FOG"

Note:  There are multiple pages for this one, might want to find the page numbering area at the top and click "all"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Here is a link to a thread about boundaries:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

[EAE785]

Thanks for replying

My psychologist sister can't handle communicating with her anymore due to the amount of splitting and retaliation. She used to be the brunt of my BPD sisters wrath before she split and switched to me. The nightmare we went through when my Mom was sick, after she died, handling my Moms estate, and the same sister being a nightmare for the other sisters wedding. She kept trying to make it work and suddenly a few months ago after my oldest sister didn't agree with my Mom's final wishes of the estate paying for my sisters wedding (2 years ago) she flipped.

Sometimes every person has their limit of what they're willing to take.

For online: I had a blog but had to stop doing it (for now but it seems permanent.) because she was reading that and it lead to letting some other people in my life that weren't healthy for me.

Fun fact: my therapist told me that when we have dealt being raised and being around people with a personality disorder we are more prone to attracting friends of that nature.

I limit her ability to see my posts on FB but she can still see if I comment or like anything considered public and WILL comment on those. If she sees I do post on say Instagram she will start texting me saying I don't have time to talk to her but I do to post... .

My therapist wants me to lean towards blocking her because of the severe anxiety she gives me. I have been journaling an going to therapy each week. I have also started to say things that sound small but are huge... .including telling sister I can't be her only adult contact (she has isolated herself), and limiting phone contact to once a week.

I will check out those threads and again THANK YOU!

[HappyChappy]

Hi EAE785,

So sorry you’ve had double trouble with a BPD mom and sister. I know how hard that can be as my brother and mother have a PD. But it’s great you can see it for what it is, that’s the first part of any recovery. It's great you're in Therapy, it helped me.

When looking at who’s responsible for custody of your sister, as you term it (like the term), were you aware of any triangulation going on in your family ? E.g. a scapegoat, golden child, lost child type thing ? Because that dynamic will set expectations on who should be looking after the BPD in the family. The BPD sets the roles but then the siblings tend to reinforce the dynamic.

More detail on that here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0

I found it hard to break away from that dynamic, but so glad I did. But from what you say and what your T says, that’s something to consider. The links N Nibbler gave on F.O.G. and boundary settings are tools that can help you do that. Ironically, the BPD needs information, and regular contact to manipulate us. Starved of it, they tend to lose interest and potency.

I limit her ability to see my posts on FB but she can still see if I comment or like anything considered public and WILL comment on those... .My therapist wants me to lean towards blocking her because of the severe anxiety she gives me... .and limiting phone contact to once a week.

Sounds like your T is giving good advice. What would the issue be with temporarily blocking on FB ? If not that, then what boundaries need to be in place with your sister ? Would e-mails be better than phone calls ? Let us know how you get on.