The Keening

[HurtinNW]

I fell apart in therapy the other day.

I put a strong effort into this, but I am still having such a hard time. It is almost four months since final break up.  I was telling my therapist about my terror, my loss, my pain, and she took me back to some of my earliest memories with my little me.

I was remembering this time when I was five and my big brother went missing. My mom was a raging alcoholic, a prostitute, and we lived a very criminal sort of life with pimps. My big brother tried to be my protector. My mother was always passed out on the couch, or else raging. She didn't much care what happened to us. One day I came home from kindergarten and my big brother was gone. All I remember is wandering our rough streets, looking for him. I couldn't wander far, because I was only five, and afraid to get lost. I went as far as I remembered and stood there, afraid of going further, convinced my big brother was just another block away.

The terror that bloomed in me that day was unlike any other, and I had already experienced horrific violence and abuse. But none of that compared to losing my brother. Having him just disappear like that was beyond traumatic. What if he never came home? This went on for weeks. The one day he reappeared. I never did find out exactly what had happened. My mother said someone had kidnapped him. Typical to my family no one called the police. Years later I found out he had been molested.

I cried and cried in therapy, remembering that little girl and how scared and terrified she was, how she blamed herself her brother was missing. Later my brother killed himself. In a way, he never came home. I lost the most precious person in my life.

Every time my ex raged and then stormed out and vanished on me, this portal of fear opened up again. I would do anything to make him come back, and not leave me. I was always beside myself with fear and trauma and loss. His silent treatments where he vanished for weeks on end, killed me inside. Now the loss is permanent or should be and I feel like I am four years old again, filthy, neglected, wandering outside, crying for my brother.

My therapist told me she calls this the keening. It is human nature, she says, that when we are abandoned it is a pain like no other. We keen inside, like an animal. I am still keening. If feels like I am still being torn apart inside.

Part of me thinks: okay, I know where it comes from in my history. But how does knowing that make it any easier, any better? 

Part of me is convinced that this is my fault. No one kidnapped my ex. He walked away and left me knowingly, saying it was because of me. How do you keen your way out of that kind of loss? How do you face your love becoming another kind of death? One he would rather have than be with you?

I hope this doesn't seem too intense. But it seems we are all here because we struggle to accept this tearing loss, this keening.

[heartandwhole]

HurtinNW,

 My heart breaks for you. I'm very sorry that you had to go through those losses at such a tender age. I can understand your keening. Your little Hurtin' needs to fully grieve those losses. I know it must feel unbearable at times, and like it will never end. I commend you for being such a brave little girl; even in your fear you ventured out to try to find your safe harbor. That was so courageous. I truly wish you never had to be in that position, though.

My breakup with pwBPD also broke me open, so to speak, and I ended up grieving many things that I thought I had already worked through. There is so much hidden from our awareness. I'm so glad that you are working with a good therapist through this. This really does sound like a breakthrough. Do you see it that way, too?

Part of me thinks: okay, I know where it comes from in my history. But how does knowing that make it any easier, any better?  

I don't think that knowledge makes it easier. We still have to FEEL what we don't want to, and that, I think, is often one of the hardest things many of us have to do in our lives. Understanding what your inner child needed and how she

coped makes it better because now you are aware of why you react the way you do with your ex, why you stay or don't, why you use the coping strategies that you do. That knowledge gives you the power to change and grow. If you have no idea what/why you are doing something, you can't make choices.

Part of me is convinced that this is my fault. No one kidnapped my ex. He walked away and left me knowingly, saying it was because of me. How do you keen your way out of that kind of loss? How do you face your love becoming another kind of death? One he would rather have than be with you?

It is natural to think that your ex leaving is about you. I know I'd have those thoughts, and did. But remember, it is the child in us who takes on the blame for the parents' neglect and/or abuse. We internalize the problem and conclude it must be our fault that mommy and daddy can't give me what I need. Since you are working with little Hurtin' right now, can you look at these beliefs now with a bit more context?

I believe that there is a wise part of us (some call it the wise parent, or a higher power, etc.) that embraces this pain, that knows how to hold that inner child and let her keen. There is a part of you that is listening to that inner child and just being present for her. I think it's hard to be aware of that part of us when we are in the throes of intense emotions, but I believe that it is always there, waiting and embracing all of us exactly as we are.

Thank you for sharing this very personal journey with us, HurtinNW. Please remember that you have companions on this road who care about you.  

heartandwhole

[Grey Kitty]

  That sounds really tough. It also sounds like a step toward real growth and healing to acknowledge and feel it.

Part of me is convinced that this is my fault. No one kidnapped my ex. He walked away and left me knowingly, saying it was because of me. How do you keen your way out of that kind of loss? How do you face your love becoming another kind of death? One he would rather have than be with you?

My ex walked out of my daily life. She didn't actually say it was because of me precisely, but she's considerably less messed up than most of the exes 'round here. She did tell me she didn't want to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with me.

Anyhow, I think the intellectual part of this comes down to how you choose to frame things for yourself, and what you choose to believe and tell yourself.

I don't believe he left because of you. I would bet it was because he was messed up and triggered, probably by you. (And if so, he chose you as a partner because he was seeking somebody to trigger that part of him, even though he wasn't aware of it most likely) And projecting it all onto you because he couldn't face his own issues or feelings.

You can tell yourself that story, instead of the one where it was all your fault.

You will start to believe it more over time, as you heal.

But meanwhile... .the healing comes from accepting these feelings instead of running away from them.

[Ulysses]

I would echo what HeartandWhole and Grey Kitty have said.  It is good news that you are able to access those feelings.  I have never heard the term keening in relation to this process, but it really fits. 

Reframing your thoughts about your experiences can be powerful.  It seems to me to be a long-term process.

One thing I noticed in reading your post, is that even as a little girl, you showed courage in the face of fear, you showed power and initiative when you went to look for your brother.  You acted bravely and faced the unknown.  These are traits that will serve you well now, too.

My heart ached when I read your post.  I'd like to send you hugs.   

[vortex of confusion]

My therapist told me she calls this the keening. It is human nature, she says, that when we are abandoned it is a pain like no other. We keen inside, like an animal. I am still keening. If feels like I am still being torn apart inside.

Wow, I am finding your posts so very helpful! I can relate to so much of what you share. There have been so many times over the years that I have tried to share some of my pain only to be dismissed. What you are sharing is really helping me to validate my own pain.

Part of me is convinced that this is my fault. No one kidnapped my ex. He walked away and left me knowingly, saying it was because of me. How do you keen your way out of that kind of loss? How do you face your love becoming another kind of death? One he would rather have than be with you?

I don't have any answers as I have those same "this is my fault" feelings. My ex didn't walk out. I kicked him out. He abandoned me thousands of times in the 18 years we were together. He didn't see me. He didn't want me. He had no protective feelings towards me whatsoever. Not only did he NOT want me, he wanted to pawn me off on whatever guy would have me.

One time, he told me, "I really like that guy. He says that he will clean you up before he sends you home."

One guy didn't believe me when I told him that my husband was okay with me seeing somebody else. I let him talk to ex himself. Not only did he tell the guy that he was okay with it, he told him something along the lines of, "Sure you can be with my wife. You will enjoy it and won't regret it." Like I was a used car rather than a human being with feelings and some kind of value.

All of that takes me back to being a little kid. My mother didn't protect me. She put me in situations where I was in danger. There were times when I just knew that she knew and was okay with whatever was going on. I swear, there was a time when she was sitting on the couch while some guy messed with me under the blanket.

I so badly wanted ex to protect me. I so badly wanted ex to see that he was hurting me and abandoning me. He couldn't/wouldn't do it. He didn't see a problem with sending his wife off to a hotel to meet a strange guy just like my mother didn't see a problem with a grown man wanting to share a blanket with a little girl.

[HurtinNW]

Thank you so very much for your kind, considered and thoughtful replies.

One issue that is going on with me is I quit drinking. I was drinking too much wine to deal. In recent months it got worse, and I decided to quit completely. So I am dealing with the pain of this time without any buffer and that's... .hard.

Vortex: you and I have similar backgrounds, and what really strikes me is how much my ex was like my mother. My mother also just didn't seem to care how much she hurt me, neglected me, and exposed to me trauma. When I was a child I wanted so badly for my mother to love me. To protect me. To care about me. To not think I was ugly or unworthy or whatever I thought she must think, in order to put me in harm's way.

Then with my ex it all started happening again: the person I wanted to trust that would keep me safe hurt me so badly. One part of it normalized it to the point I almost didn't notice how awful it was. Another part of me was devastated. Both parts felt he must be right about me being so awful. In fact our early therapy efforts were to fix me.

My ex in this relationship didn't pawn me out for sex, but I had a previous partner who did exactly what your ex did. I later learned that this happens with voyeurs. As sex abuse victims we can have a hard time saying no, and once you are put back into that place you were as a little child, you become psychologically helpless. That's what happened to me years ago, and it was so shame-inducing. I thought I had grown strong enough to not get in another abusive relationship. This one was just shaming and abusive in other ways.

Ulysses: thank you for pointing that out. I never realized before that, yes, that little girl was very brave. Thank you!

Grey Kitty: I am seeing more how this relationship put me right back at those ages. My therapist tells me to take care of little me, rock her and bath her and keep her safe. My little me knows grown-ups can lie, and do bad things. She needs to realize ex is one of those grown-ups who is not safe for her. It is awful because it feels like she (me) will never be loved. I really need to work on the belief that I can be loved, and loved with kindness.

Heartandwhole: yes, exactly. My therapist said something that really hit me. She said something along the lines of, "As a child you didn't have a choice. You had to accept your mother. Whatever she did, you had no choice but to deal with it. Children are helpless. They will do anything to maintain a relationship with their parent, because otherwise they cannot survive. But you are not helpless now. It may feel that way, but now you are the adult and you do have a choice."

My entire life I have been insistent that I survive. I have felt I am not giving up, I will survive. I fought my way out of things many people don't survive, in fact most my family is dead from suicide, homeless or in jail. I have insisted on surviving and thriving and yet it feel like I am raw and open all over again, that that little child I once was will always be alone, that she opened her heart and was once again badly hurt.

I know intellectually that doesn't have to be true. It just feels that way right now, in this process.

[vortex of confusion]

Vortex: you and I have similar backgrounds, and what really strikes me is how much my ex was like my mother. My mother also just didn't seem to care how much she hurt me, neglected me, and exposed to me trauma. When I was a child I wanted so badly for my mother to love me. To protect me. To care about me. To not think I was ugly or unworthy or whatever I thought she must think, in order to put me in harm's way.

Wow! I have had that same thought about ex being just like my mother. I have talked to my dad about how similar the two of them are. When I was a teen, I spent a lot of summers out of state with my grandmother. I have vivid memories of crying to grandma about my mom and how it seemed impossible to get along with her. Grandma sat me down and told me that I had to be the adult. Mom is like a child and that is the only way to deal with her.

The odd thing for me is that I feel like I had a good relationship with my dad. Most of the horrible stuff that happened occurred while on my mom's watch. I went to all sorts of places with dad. Those places were pretty much all male (think car auctions, car places, racing, and other manly stuff) and I don't ever recall having anybody even look at me cross ways. As a result, I was very trusting of men. It didn't make sense to me that men would mess with me when mom was around and not when dad was around.

I remember having a talk with my dad one time when he told me that part of the reason that he took me everywhere was to keep mom from messing me up like she messed up my siblings. He is no angel and has done a lot of crappy stuff too. I feel like he has at least acknowledged some things and doesn't continue to play the "I was a wonderful parent" act.

Mom loved ex to pieces when we got together. She thought he was soo great. There have been times during marriage to ex when I would go to mom and try to talk to her about some of the stuff that was going on and I got hit with "You should be grateful."

Then with my ex it all started happening again: the person I wanted to trust that would keep me safe hurt me so badly. One part of it normalized it to the point I almost didn't notice how awful it was. Another part of me was devastated. Both parts felt he must be right about me being so awful. In fact our early therapy efforts were to fix me.

It feels like that has been the theme of my life. When I was in college, my parents did some horrible stuff to me, ie. kicked me out of the house because they didn't like the guy I was dating. I couldn't come back until I went to counseling and fixed myself. There was one session that I remember rather vividly. My parents and siblings all sat around a table and pointed out all of the things that were wrong with me. I had to sit and listen to them tell me how horrible I was for dating that guy and trying to gain my independence. Forget that any of them had done anything wrong. It was really easy for ex to tell me that I was too this or too that when I would try to bring up stuff with him. I had pretty much been convinced that I was broken. It was all about how I needed to change and make better choices.

Like you, it was all so normalized that I didn't even realize how bad things were. Now that he has been out of the house for a couple of months, when he comes over and acts like his normal self, I am floored at how invalidating, dismissive, and selfish he is. Why the heck didn't I see this sooner?

My ex in this relationship didn't pawn me out for sex, but I had a previous partner who did exactly what your ex did. I later learned that this happens with voyeurs. As sex abuse victims we can have a hard time saying no, and once you are put back into that place you were as a little child, you become psychologically helpless. That's what happened to me years ago, and it was so shame-inducing. I thought I had grown strong enough to not get in another abusive relationship. This one was just shaming and abusive in other ways.

Oh my goodness! Thank you so much for sharing this. That explains so much for me. I have been really struggling with asking myself WHY?. Why did I do those things? Ex definitely has voyeuristic tendencies. 

My entire life I have been insistent that I survive. I have felt I am not giving up, I will survive. I fought my way out of things many people don't survive, in fact most my family is dead from suicide, homeless or in jail. I have insisted on surviving and thriving and yet it feel like I am raw and open all over again, that that little child I once was will always be alone, that she opened her heart and was once again badly hurt.

  My theme song these days is Gloria Gaynor's "I will survive".

I have had friends that have gotten really worried and freaked out when I have shared stuff with them. I find myself reassuring THEM that I will be okay. I tell them, "I will figure this out. I am not sure how I will get through this. I just know that I will." My kids pick on me about being a magical unicorn because of my ability to figure stuff out.

I am the only one from my FOO that hasn't been in jail or a mental institution. That doesn't even touch the aunts, uncles, cousins, or other family that were institutionalized, dead from suicide, or plagued with an addiction such as drugs or alcohol. One of my nieces was recently diagnosed with BPD and host of other mental disorders. Dysfunction doesn't run in my family. It stops and shakes hands with everyone it meets. 

I know that rawness. It comes out every now and then. I survived a lot of stuff as a child by making myself small and figuring out how to keep everyone happy. I don't have to make myself small any more. I don't have to keep everyone happy any more.

[HurtinNW]

Vortex, there are articles out there aimed at men who want to talk their wives into all sorts of sexual stuff, including using manipulation tactics. I think for a healthy woman with boundaries, she can decide whether or not she is interested. But for those of us with sex abuse histories, we are susceptible to being manipulated. I know I was at that time.

The partner I had that did that was really into voyuerism. He wanted to hear/see about me sleeping with other men. I found it degrading, and yet I had the hardest time feeling it was okay to say no. I reverted to about age four when confronted with his "fun" ideas. Later I felt such shame, such disappointment in myself. Luckily I was so disgusted I ended the relationship.

That's not to say those things aren't healthy and okay for someone else. Just not me.

Our families sounds similar. My family blamed me to the point it was crazy making. They had all these ongoing "jokes" about how crazy, how demanding and weird I am. Their funniest example? When I supposed "insisted" on going to Seattle for the summer with a 48 year old man. I was eleven years old. Eleven. Children that age are not capable of deciding to spend the summer with a pedophile. But my family made it all about me and my stupid decisions, not the fact my mother pretty much handed me over to the creep. They would laugh about it. I look back at that now and I think that is just so outrageous, and yet I accepted it and normalized it for years. Why not? That was my normal. My mother gave me to pedophiles from age four on, and my family mocked me and blamed me for it.

I stopped having contact with my family years ago, recognizing that even though my mother is dead and same with others, the remaining members are so toxic and tied into their toxic narrative they seem incapable of change. I haven't regretted that for a moment.

It's interesting, writing this out I just thought another similarity with my ex and my mother was creating those narratives where it was always my fault if others mistreated me.  

[vortex of confusion]

Vortex, there are articles out there aimed at men who want to talk their wives into all sorts of sexual stuff, including using manipulation tactics. I think for a healthy woman with boundaries, she can decide whether or not she is interested. But for those of us with sex abuse histories, we are susceptible to being manipulated. I know I was at that time.

I was very susceptible. He was so caught up in his own fantasy world that he didn't hear me when I said that I didn't want to go through with it. He pushed everything so fast that I barely had the time to decide whether or not I was interested. It was and is difficult to figure out what part of that was mine and what part of it was his. I think the line was crossed when I was crying and throwing up in the bathtub telling him that I didn't want to do it and he rubbed my back with such sweetness and told me it would be okay and that it would be fun.

The partner I had that did that was really into voyuerism. He wanted to hear/see about me sleeping with other men. I found it degrading, and yet I had the hardest time feeling it was okay to say no. I reverted to about age four when confronted with his "fun" ideas. Later I felt such shame, such disappointment in myself. Luckily I was so disgusted I ended the relationship.

I too am very disappointed in myself. He enjoyed seeing and hearing about that stuff but I didn't. He wanted to do other stuff and tell me about it and never quite understood why I would have a problem with it. I felt like it was a bargaining chip for him. He accused me of having a double standard. You get to be with other people and have fun, why can't I do it. At first, I did indulge him. At some point, I became disgusted with him and myself and couldn't make sense out of any of it. I wanted to end it for a while but felt such an obligation to him because of our kids.

That's not to say those things aren't healthy and okay for someone else. Just not me.

I don't know if I could ever be a part of those activities because of my tendency to freeze and just go along with whatever is happening. In those situations, I feel like I lose my ability to say no or put a stop to things. I think a healthier guy would have seen my reluctance and put a stop to things. At the very least, let me know that it was okay to STOP.

I stopped having contact with my family years ago, recognizing that even though my mother is dead and same with others, the remaining members are so toxic and tied into their toxic narrative they seem incapable of change. I haven't regretted that for a moment.

I am no contact with both of my sisters. My brother went through cognitive intervention in prison and seems to be a different person. He has been great at validating some of the stuff that I have experienced with ex while at the same time helping me stay grounded so as to not repeat the family dysfunction. When he was going through his ordeal with his ex, the family egged him on and encouraged him to be the biggest jerk on the planet.

The person that was blamed was usually whomever it was that was painted black at the moment. Usually, it was my oldest sister. I think all 4 of us kids had a turn on the black list. If you were on the black list, you were the cause of ALL of the family problems. No other kid had been as hurtful or bad. When I went through my black spell, I was told that no other kid had been as horrible as me because I was the only one to ever make my dad cry.

It's interesting, writing this out I just thought another similarity with my ex and my mother was creating those narratives where it was always my fault if others mistreated me.  

Perhaps that is why I couldn't really wrap my head around this notion that ex had done anything wrong. There are times when I still struggle to put all of the pieces together and see him for who/what he is. He puts on such a good front.

Him wanting to watch PPV porn on our wedding night was somehow my fault. Him choosing porn over me in the early years was somehow my fault. I was being too prudish. I was wanting too much attention. I had unrealistic expectations of how a man is supposed to behave. It had to somehow be my fault.

[HurtinNW]

Vortex, I really relate to pretty much all you write. We have such similar histories! It is common for trauma victims to normalize abuse at the time. Especially when we come from families where that was the reality.

This quote has helped me dealing with the issue of when we consent to activities we don't really want to do: "You see it is important to understand how damaged people don't always know how to say yes, or chose the big thing, even when it is right in front of them. It's a shame we carry. The shame of wanting something good. The shame of not believing we deserve to stand in the same room in the same way as those we admire." Lidia Yuknavitch, "The Chronology of Water."

The good news is we can recover, and heal, and not feel that shame, and learn healthier boundaries. If you like reading, I recommend the memoir I just quoted, it is lovely.

What is working for you right now in helping recover and heal and learn from this? Are in any therapy? I've found self-care and being in my body has helped a lot. Along with lots of other ways of feeling good about myself and my sexuality, the way I want my sexuality to be, that feels for good me. What would help you recover from this aspect of your relationship, do you think?

hugs to you!   

[vortex of confusion]

This quote has helped me dealing with the issue of when we consent to activities we don't really want to do: "You see it is important to understand how damaged people don't always know how to say yes, or chose the big thing, even when it is right in front of them. It's a shame we carry. The shame of wanting something good. The shame of not believing we deserve to stand in the same room in the same way as those we admire." Lidia Yuknavitch, "The Chronology of Water."

I will definitely have to put that on my reading list. That is such a powerful quote. It reminds me of all of the times that I was accused of all sorts of things for wanting more. "Oh, so you think you are better than everyone else." Or, any time something great would happen, it seemed like I would get in trouble. When I got married, I was so excited. I was a typical excited, young 20 something bride. I was told to stop talking about my wedding because it was making my sisters feel bad. When ex and I bought our first house, I again got in trouble and was told to stop talking about it because it was making other people feel bad. So many times over the years, I wanted something good. I wanted more. Each time, I was met with, "What about other people?" "Why do you want that?" ":)o you think you are better than everyone else?" Even ex did that to me at various times. I wanted entirely too much for my own good.

What is working for you right now in helping recover and heal and learn from this? Are in any therapy? I've found self-care and being in my body has helped a lot. Along with lots of other ways of feeling good about myself and my sexuality, the way I want my sexuality to be, that feels for good me.

I think the biggest thing that is helping me recover and learn from this is the fact that I finally kicked him out of the house. Since he has been gone, I took over a bedroom and have my own room. I had previously been sleeping on the couch or in the kids room. I shower more regularly. I dress better. There for a while, I would sleep on the couch in my clothes. I couldn't stand the thought of wearing a night gown with him in the house. I went and bought myself a bunch of nightgowns and I wear them to bed every night. And it is glorious.

Several months before he moved out, I set a boundary that I would not be intimate with him ever again. That felt very powerful and healing to me. I have also confronted him about his behavior towards me. I may not have done it in the best way but I felt like I really needed to do it. I don't think I ever really confronted him with just how horrible some of his actions towards me were.

I had a couple of bad experiences with getting help last year. I think a lot of what you have shared really resonates with me and helps me understand why those experiences were bad for me. I didn't really consider the stuff that happened to me as a child. I had swept it under the rug and forgotten about it.

I have known that I needed some kind of help since I went looking and found this site. I visit this site regularly. I did part of a 12 step program for spouses of sex addicts. I thought I was really going to get help when I found somebody that was willing to work with me pro bono. She wasn't a therapist. She was a trauma couch that was supposed to help rebuild your life after the trauma of being in a SA relationship. After about a month of talking to her, she lambasted me with a bunch of truths about my situation. She reduced me to a pile of tears. The things that she said to me were horrible. Because of my tendency to freeze, I couldn't defend myself or tell her why I thought she was wrong. I got off the phone and decided that I could no longer work with her. She ended up reporting me to CPS. I spent my entire summer last year dealing with CPS and proving to them that ex was not a danger to the kids. He is their father and he is the one that was supposedly dangerous yet I was the one that the allegations were made against. I was charged with neglectful supervision for leaving the kids with a hypersexual male with anger issues. To this day, I don't understand why I was the one that was accused of neglect. If I am supposedly an abused woman, why the heck didn't they make the allegations against him?

What would help you recover from this aspect of your relationship, do you think?

I am not sure. Time is a big factor.

I can think of a few things that have helped me tremendously. For the longest time, I thought that ex was as good as it got. I was really afraid that he was the best I could ever hope for and I should feel lucky to have him. I did feel lucky to have him. I have no idea how to bring up the second part of this. It wasn't until I experienced being with somebody that did not objectify me that I was able to see the difference between being a dumpster and being a person with regards to physical intimacy.