Hi Back2Me16,
One moment I'm looking for ways to somehow keep her in my life (thought she comes and goes), the next minute I wish this nightmare had "never happened."
You might consider, instead of looking for ways to keep her in you life, decide once and for all, what kind of relationship you would need in order to justify her being in your life. If she cannot (or will not) give you what you need for her to be someone important in your life, then she shouldn't be in your life.
I don't trust her. I don't believe her. I'm not sure how I feel about her; to be honest.
You don't trust her. You don't believe her. That's clearly how you feel about her. Perhaps you also feel other conflicting feelings towards her but isn't it enough that you don't trust or believe her? Is that someone you can be friends with, let alone allow yourself to be vulnerable with?
I just know that my feelings are starting to fluctuate on a daily basis, like the emotional irregularities of a pwBPD.
The fluctuations are a sufficient red flag that you are not in a good place, no? Is that not
reason enough to get yourself out of this situation?
I won't hear from her for a couple of weeks, and then puff... .there she is calling me. I pick up and she talks to me like nothing bad ever happened between the two of us.
That is what they call a "fair weather friend."
I try to keep her in my life, because I know an adult would not behave in that manner unless something was seriously wrong with him or her.
So are you trying to enrich your life by choosing careful who to allow in your life, or fix people who have something seriously wrong with them?
I know that its part of her disorder... .its not personal... .etc, but "it hurt like sh*t."
You don't take natural disasters personally, but you do your best to protect yourself against them. Just because you know her destructive behavior is part of her disorder, does not mean you should not protect yourself from being hurt by them.
Best wishes,
Schwing