Why do they need a main relationship?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm just wondering if they need one for appearance purposes? Or do they need one steady rescuer to be their permanent punching bag, and the others are orbiters, fan club members, and a slew of one night stands.   

[Rayban]

I'm just wondering if they need one for appearance purposes? Or do they need one steady rescuer to be their permanent punching bag, and the others are orbiters, fan club members, and a slew of one night stands.   

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Rayban-

What a borderline needs is an attachment, someone to attach to, to complete themselves and make them feel whole.  And then, once the attachment is established, the constant opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment show up, which drives the push/pull behavior and all the rest.  And multiple attachments might lessen the fear of losing one of them.

So how does this apply to your situation, and how will you use this information moving forward?

[kc sunshine]

This helps me make sense of it in that it makes my ex's action seem less driven by meanness and thoughtlessness and more driven by need.

[fromheeltoheal]

This helps me make sense of it in that it makes my ex's action seem less driven by meanness and thoughtlessness and more driven by need.

 

[Rayban]

Hi Rayban-

What a borderline needs is an attachment, someone to attach to, to complete themselves and make them feel whole.  And then, once the attachment is established, the constant opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment show up, which drives the push/pull behavior and all the rest.  And multiple attachments might lessen the fear of losing one of them.

So how does this apply to your situation, and how will you use this information moving forward?

I know I should be concentrating on myself, and what's right for my own well being, but the thought just crossed my mind. I know she has many men in her life. One guy has stuck around or been her ''friend'' for 4 years. She mentioned recently that she has cut ties with him. This is probably a lie, and he's still probably just waiting there when he's needed. I don't want to be that guy.


Just last week she hit me with the fact that she was engaged and pregnant with a guy who was cheating on her who according to her got the beating of his life (this last part scared me) she says he still calls her. I don't want to be this guy.

Then there are the random men she flirts with everywhere she goes. I see at work, and I know it has to go well beyond flirting in some cases, as bedded some of them.  I guess these guys are the ones she just decides to sleep with, maybe no strings attached? Tried being this guy, and it didn't work for me.

Basically it comes down to knowing that I can't be involved at any level with this person. I'm sure all these other men, and women she's been with also must have their regrets, all be it at different levels.

[fromheeltoheal]

Basically it comes down to knowing that I can't be involved at any level with this person.

Well there you go, that's the sound of detachment.  And you mention just last week you were communicating with her and it sounds like you're still keeping tabs on what she's up to; does that count as being involved with her on some level?

[TheSinister]

Hi Rayban-

What a borderline needs is an attachment, someone to attach to, to complete themselves and make them feel whole.  And then, once the attachment is established, the constant opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment show up, which drives the push/pull behavior and all the rest.  And multiple attachments might lessen the fear of losing one of them.

So how does this apply to your situation, and how will you use this information moving forward?

I know I should be concentrating on myself, and what's right for my own well being, but the thought just crossed my mind. I know she has many men in her life. One guy has stuck around or been her ''friend'' for 4 years. She mentioned recently that she has cut ties with him. This is probably a lie, and he's still probably just waiting there when he's needed. I don't want to be that guy.


Just last week she hit me with the fact that she was engaged and pregnant with a guy who was cheating on her who according to her got the beating of his life (this last part scared me) she says he still calls her. I don't want to be this guy.

Then there are the random men she flirts with everywhere she goes. I see at work, and I know it has to go well beyond flirting in some cases, as bedded some of them.  I guess these guys are the ones she just decides to sleep with, maybe no strings attached? Tried being this guy, and it didn't work for me.

Basically it comes down to knowing that I can't be involved at any level with this person. I'm sure all these other men, and women she's been with also must have their regrets, all be it at different levels.

Rayban, you simply blew my mind with what you Prased here. I been walking for days looking for those words of yours, the amazing thing about it is that we seemed to know the same girl and we both struggeling to quit. Being that guy, I personaly would be any of those described types of yours right now. Really had a bad day today.

[JerryRG]

My exgf would go out with anyone who looked at her, I guess it's her self esteem? She fell in love with me almost instantaneously (mirrored) and wanted to be engaged right away. Same with her new bf, week then a relationship and a month later engaged.

Sad thing she just settles for anyone who gives her attention and doesn't stop to think how things will be down the road.

She needs constant validation and attention or she's lost with just herself, she has male friends (flying monkeys) who bail her out with money and helping out with caring for our son too. She knows how to use people and I believe that's as deep as she can commit to anyone. Business partners

[Leonis]

This helps me make sense of it in that it makes my ex's action seem less driven by meanness and thoughtlessness and more driven by need.

This makes a lot of sense. I remember being dumped the first time by my ex-fiance last year. It was about the same time when she moved to a new house and got a host of new girls as companions. But, after about two months, I suppose the novelty of that wore off and she came straight back to me.

I frequently hear complaints/weird little judgments about them from her after we reconciled. Since our breakup in mid-April, she's found some new "friends" from work and a new housemate. It's only been about two months, I guess I better prepare myself for another mindless cycle of chaos.

[Hopefulgirl]

That makes sense what you said about having a main relationship with other relationships that orbit around it.

My ex BPD always has a main relationship but never cuts ties with other women he's dated. Its like the "main"relationship would completely fall apart unless there were always one or two (three?) other women sort of dangling there being given crumbs of hope in exchange for giving him caring attention.

[pgri8684]

My Ex can not stand to be alone or simply unoccupied. The first man who takes care of her is to become her knight in shining armor and live with her as quickly as possible. This is a serious problem of dependency. As long as everything goes well, the companion is loved passionately.The relationship will be a success if the person sees himself as a caretaker. But when my EX has doubts about the commitment of the partner, things begin to change.
Other men are kept in reserve but without sexual involvement and it is always a one-way friendship. They are at her service when she needs them.