5 years together done. I am unsure if she has BPD but it seems VERY likely. Help

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,
Really, I am coming here out of pure desperation because I never thought I would find myself here, because I never thought my ex girlfriend of 5 years had this... .until she randomly broke up with me (however, there was a big background reasoning of why she did) but her AFTER effects of the break up and cold nature are what made me begin looking into mental possibilities, though I knew she had mental problems when we dated.

I want to post my story and ask for all of your advice, but would anyone read it? Because it would take me a lot of typing to explain what has happened and why the after effects of the break up are what sounded off the alarms to me and brought me here.

If anyone is interesting in reading my background and helping me, please reply so I know I won't post my long story for nothing.

Quick background if you want to ignore my post for any of the following reasons which some people may have problems with.

-We have been broken up over a year now (so this isn't a recent thing) yet I am still devastated and still absolutely TORN.

-My ex is a girl, as am I.

-The "final" straw or reasoning that could justify a break up (but doesn't explain all the other odd behavior) was when my ex and i had both emotionally withdrawn, in the last few months of our relationship, i stupidly began chatting online with a girl, as friends (never met her, in another state). My ex and i had gotten SO co-dependent that we cut off all friendships, so basically i forgot how it felt to have a friend and not romantic partner. The chats with this girl left me confused, as I thought I began liking her though I knew I didn't want her because we'd never meet and I knew I still loved my girl friend. However, I was still confused on if i liked this girl because I had never experienced uncertainty about ANYONE, so it made me really realize how far away emotionally my gf and i were from one another. However, we ended up stupidly "sexting" online (it makes me want to absolutely vomit thinking of it) and the girl screen shotted the texts and sent them to my ex because she wanted us to break up so she could date me apparently. My ex of course was devastated, and felt I betrayed her trust, which I did. In fact,  I told her if I were her, I would've dumped me! At this point, I just felt so emotionally withdrawn I thought maybe breaking up was best because I was so stressed from the last few years ( though even online cheating isn't acceptable to me).

Anyway, she said she would give me another chance if I made it up to her in the upcoming months. We didn't really improve much in terms of arguing, because she kept the same behavior and in turn, my behavior was also poor. One day, she randomly dumped me OVER TEXT, after FIVE years.
 
So, I want to tell you all my story of why I think she has this, and exactly WHAT lead up to the emotional turmoil that even lead my mind to believe I liked this girl I chatted with online (even though I 100% know it was my foolish decision).

If anyone can help me and would like to read what I have to say, please reply and I will post my story.

I am torn apart and miss her but this place and others like it have shown me how mentally unwell my ex has been and how it has seemed to only progress over the last few years.

Thanks everyone.

[Indifferent28]

Hello,
Really, I am coming here out of pure desperation because I never thought I would find myself here, because I never thought my ex girlfriend of 5 years had this... .until she randomly broke up with me (however, there was a big background reasoning of why she did) but her AFTER effects of the break up and cold nature are what made me begin looking into mental possibilities, though I knew she had mental problems when we dated.

I want to post my story and ask for all of your advice, but would anyone read it? Because it would take me a lot of typing to explain what has happened and why the after effects of the break up are what sounded off the alarms to me and brought me here.

If anyone is interesting in reading my background and helping me, please reply so I know I won't post my long story for nothing.

Quick background if you want to ignore my post for any of the following reasons which some people may have problems with.

-We have been broken up over a year now (so this isn't a recent thing) yet I am still devastated and still absolutely TORN.

-My ex is a girl, as am I.

-The "final" straw or reasoning that could justify a break up (but doesn't explain all the other odd behavior) was when my ex and i had both emotionally withdrawn, in the last few months of our relationship, i stupidly began chatting online with a girl, as friends (never met her, in another state). My ex and i had gotten SO co-dependent that we cut off all friendships, so basically i forgot how it felt to have a friend and not romantic partner. The chats with this girl left me confused, as I thought I began liking her though I knew I didn't want her because we'd never meet and I knew I still loved my girl friend. However, I was still confused on if i liked this girl because I had never experienced uncertainty about ANYONE, so it made me really realize how far away emotionally my gf and i were from one another. However, we ended up stupidly "sexting" online (it makes me want to absolutely vomit thinking of it) and the girl screen shotted the texts and sent them to my ex because she wanted us to break up so she could date me apparently. My ex of course was devastated, and felt I betrayed her trust, which I did. In fact,  I told her if I were her, I would've dumped me! At this point, I just felt so emotionally withdrawn I thought maybe breaking up was best because I was so stressed from the last few years ( though even online cheating isn't acceptable to me).

Anyway, she said she would give me another chance if I made it up to her in the upcoming months. We didn't really improve much in terms of arguing, because she kept the same behavior and in turn, my behavior was also poor. One day, she randomly dumped me OVER TEXT, after FIVE years.
 
So, I want to tell you all my story of why I think she has this, and exactly WHAT lead up to the emotional turmoil that even lead my mind to believe I liked this girl I chatted with online (even though I 100% know it was my foolish decision).

If anyone can help me and would like to read what I have to say, please reply and I will post my story.

I am torn apart and miss her but this place and others like it have shown me how mentally unwell my ex has been and how it has seemed to only progress over the last few years.

Thanks everyone.

[steelwork]

Hi, and welcome, Indifferent28. It sounds like the relationship caused you a lot of anguish. It sounds like you regret some of your actions, which of course adds to the anguish. You can post as little or as much of your story as you like. That's what we're here for.

What was it about your relationship with your ex that makes you think she has BPD/BPD traits?

[Icanteven]

If anyone can help me and would like to read what I have to say, please reply and I will post my story.

Five years is a long time together and there almost certainly will be good days and bad days even a year out and regardless of whether or not your ex has BPD.

There are many of us willing to listen, and many who give incredible advice on these boards.  What do you hope to achieve?  IOW, if you had an army of psychiatrists tell you *right now*, yes, your ex is BPD, how would that change the equation for you?  Are you looking to reconcile?  Is she?  

Type away; so many of us have been there ourselves... .

[Indifferent28]

Thank you both very much for your replies. I will work on typing everything out (which I will probably forget a few key details and have to do some follow ups).

My own guilts have certainly taken their toll on me and made it harder to let go. But I have been working on forgiving myself, because I truly believe that although what I did was not acceptable... .the intensity of our relationship and everything I've done for/been there for her with all that emotionally ate me alive, I deserved maybe even a tiny lick of forgiveness as I worked hard every day to make us work even after her many crazed episodes.

Yes, 5 years coming to an end is very hard. However, now seeing that the entire relationship may have been "Fake" and that I never actually knew HER (because is there every really a person within them to know if they  have no sense of self) makes it possible to consider moving on.

It just seems to be very hard to ingest the fact that the person that knew me better than anyone else, may have simply been because they were MIRRORING me.

I will work on my story to let you guys in. Thank you all so much. I really don't know where I'd emotionally be right now if I hadn't gotten some insight on this. Though hard, finding out that i am pretty sure she has BPD makes me easier to completely give up hope of reconciliation or coming to her senses, which is what I've been waiting for this last year.
She is currently in another relationship, where it is no longer my ex. It is her girl friend now; the same views, same dress, my ex has even gained weight back like the current girl friend, my ex has lost her job when she was one of the best workers at our work place and her girl friend does not work though she could and has no work ethic. My ex has become her.

I will post my story sometime today. Thank you guys.
If any questions before hand will help you guys to understand my story before I post it, please feel free to ask.

[Indifferent28]

I will breaking this into PARTS.
PART 1: Let me begin to why I am now almost sure my ex has BPD. WARNING: This WILL be long, but if you were also in a long term relationship with someone, and desperately wanted them back, then maybe you can find some consolation in this story to know you are not alone. I’ll try to break this story apart, so it doesn’t seem as long and jumbled along the way.

I may actually break it into “parts” so it is less exhausting to read, and doesn’t bore/tire anyone out and so no one gets confused. I am going to be putting so much because I feel every detail will be the determining factor in others opinions on her disorder.

My ex and I met through her cousin that I have known since grade school. During this time, she was in a relationship with another girl (Around 5-6 months I think is the time they had been dating). I ended up hanging out with my ex more, along with her cousin that I knew since grade school, like in one little group. Because of these close hang outs, I ended up meeting her girl friend. Her girl friend was not MY type at all, but hey, everyone has types. She called her girl friend beautiful, and they seemed “into” each other, but like it was fake on my exes part. As in, she was forcing it because she was desperate. This girl my now ex was dating at the time was also in an “abusive relationship with this girl she couldn’t leave”. Upon meeting her girl friend, seeing the circumstances, and talking to her cousins, we all determined that in fact, my ex was BLIND if she couldn’t see that this girl was playing the ropes with her heart, and dating both of them at the same time.

I felt bad for my ex (my friend during this time), but I figured it was because of bad self-esteem issues, and that is why she tolerated blindly ignoring that she was being cheated on. Over the next course of a few month span, my now ex and  I began chatting online all the time and texting, and hanging out, more than she saw her own girl friend.

Her girl friend didn’t even show up at her birthday party, and I did and we just had an awesome time together. After that night, I really knew I liked this girl. I had questioned it before, but she “claimed she was happy” so I never brought it up to her, because I didn’t want to embarrass myself or disrespect her or her relationship. Well, the day after her birthday, SHE ended up texting me that she had something to get off her chest, which was that she had gained a lot of feelings for me over all our hangouts and talks the last few months. I told her I felt the exact same! So without hesitation, the next day she met up with her girl friend, dumped her, and that was that. We didn’t immediately put a dating label on us after that, but we certainly acted as if we were. The label came a few months later.
.
As with many BPD people, everything felt fast, rushed and intense. But it felt amazing to me too, so I never felt it had anything to do with any sort of behavior problem or mental disorder. This was one of few, and most definitely the STRONGEST emotional connection I’ve ever felt towards another human romantically. Actually, only other one was a high school girl friend and it wasn’t nearly the same. This girl, my ex, absolutely captivated me, and I fell hard which is why I was okay with things seeming so intense. But we still took our time because it wasn’t like we had just met a few days ago and then began dating. We had talked months as friends before.

Anyway, I did notice that she did not have any remorse or second guesses about dumping her gf. I figured that made sense, since she was being cheated on and the girl was just obviously not her type, as the girl seemed rude and obnoxious and my ex had a good, big and caring heart.

In fact, my ex flat out told me that the reasoning for her being with that girl AT ALL, or any of her past exes was “I can’t be alone. Being with someone I don’t even like is better than being alone for me. I can’t do it”
That right there, tipped the start into my pondering of what I was getting into. But she did not have a good child hood (I will dwell more into that in the later coming posts) so I figured that that was actually somewhat “normal” because I’ve heard people WITHOUT disorders say that… I had no idea that this was just the start of so many things pointing that she had something mentally unwell going on.

Like I said, it was a thought that quickly crossed my mind, I sketched over it and put it to the back of my mind. In fact, it felt pretty amazing that I was the “first love” to her and the only “genuine feelings” she ever had for someone, because I felt the exact same way because of how uneasily I get emotionally/romantically attached to anyone. She NEVER hesitated to tell me that she never felt genuine romantic attraction from anyone in her past, just that she “thought she had at the time, but sincerely knew she didn’t. But still did not want to be alone.” The way she treated me was like I was the best thing since sliced bread. So her actions matched her words, and that’s why I thought hey, I think I just found this girl that is totally in love with me, as I am with her.

About 1-2 years prior to us getting together, she had lost her dad. Bad family history of the dad going in and out of her family, drinking problems, and then she had gotten to speak to him and he had somewhat tried making amends and she sort of shut him out of her life as she was so hurt by his original abandonment. Well, he ended up passing away before they ever actually got to see each other/talk it out/for her to forgive him. This took an emotional toll on her, but she already had a built up of emotions BEFORE his death of anger/sadness/confusion for him leaving the family.

[Indifferent28]

These are the other paragraphs which are included in the above section for Part 1

The death just intensified this tremendously. The years prior to us getting together, she kept it all in and as she told me flat out, “I was cold-hearted. I wasn’t the person you know now. You brought the good out in me. Everyone says how different I am now that I am with you, for the better.”

When I met her, she was close with her immediate family. But like the above portion of the story, I learned that her built up emotions that she kept in, would get released as rage and anger and she even had physical fights/punching the wall between her mother and other family members.

Once again, I thought this wasn’t too unusual upon a parent abandoning a child. I myself, was left by my mother when I was a child, so I get the built up anger though I didn’t take it out/express it like she did.

When we began dating, that gave her the emotional okay to release it and not let it continue building up. I became a crying shoulder, and that’s what it seemed she needed. I cared deeply for her and was falling more for her every day so I provided her with that. She would cry, we would talk about it, and then she’d be okay, thank me, remind me how much she loved and appreciated me and that was that.
Because of such, we latched onto each other, which started the course of our next 5 years of INTENSE co-dependency.

The first year or year and a half was simply incredible. Sure, she had crying spells and occasional spouts of moodiness. But we got along GREAT, and we never argued. Everything seemed perfect, and we’d actually mock the couples that did argue. We thought we were perfection.

Until the following years came. My own personal problems issues combined with her emotional issues/dependency, tore us apart. I began college which was a stress load of hell on me, and it gave me less time to deal with her emotions. Right after the year/year and a half mark, her emotional dependency began to worsen. It is normal to miss someone you’re used to seeing every day (I couldn’t since I had began college). Hers on the other hand, was worse in a different way. As in, I would go to leave to go home to study and she would break down in tears, like I was on my way to die. She would cry for over an hour, begging me to just stay a little longer even if I would be back the next day.

She ended up telling me it was because she was afraid I’d not come back, much like her dad. She would remind me that you never know when it can be the last time you see someone to which I agreed with that. But I told her she couldn’t cry every time she was away from me, because you can’t live your life that way. She would cry, agree with me, apologize, then be okay. However, it would continue to happen if even she claimed she understood.

As the years went on, that is when I began to see more and more “signs” that something was not mentally right with her. As I’ve read, mental health can drastically decline with age, and into adulthood. Well, she was just turning 22-23 during this time, so it seems that he mental health was on a slow paced decline.

I will include the other parts after if anyone reads/replies to my above post. I know reviewing this post, you might be thinking “hm… Nothing in there points much to BPD” but I felt the intro of how we began and what sparked everything was ESSENTIAL in seeing how things began to come into play the following years.

If anyone would like me to continue, please let me know because I would REALLY like someone to give me more insight and advice after I finish my story.
 

[Indifferent28]

Anyone? Please, I am desperate :/

[steelwork]

Anyone? Please, I am desperate :/

We're listening, and already I think a lot of us are nodding along.

You enter an emotional contract when you love someone. You sign up to be their crying shoulder. Then you begin to feel that you're ONLY that for them. Not so much with my recent ex but with an earlier one--who is STILL leaning on me for emotional support... .that killed my romantic feelings for him. The romance was gone but the obligations remained, and increasingly I felt like he would not survive without me. It was a bad feedback loop. need --> help --> need --> help --> until we both began to believe that ever bad thing in his life was my responsibility.

Go on.

[Indifferent28]

Thanks Steelwork. I am typing up more as we speak.

You're right about that. You try to give a loving arm but then it seems that no amount of consolation or love is enough, and when you don't give it, you're labeled as mean or uncaring.
Yes, what you're describing sounds exactly like co-dependency. Do you miss your ex, or did the feelings never return?

Working on another part of what happened now.

[Icanteven]

Anyone? Please, I am desperate :/

What facets of the clinical diagnosis of BPD do you believe apply to your situation?  Even now, I'm ambivalent about saying my spouse is BPD, and she's "officially" diagnosed with plenty of other issues.  Further, her psychiatrists and therapists have said to me in her presence (paraphrasing obviously), "your wife experiences severe dissociation, suffers from crippling anxiety and fears of abandonment, has mood disorders that go in both long and short cycles, feels compelled to self harm and experiences suicide ideation daily, and has no idea who she is or what she wants to do with her life.  Oh, btw, she sublimates her anger into self-defeating behavior including suicide ideation."  And, within our personal lives, she has a history of substance abuse, reckless driving, and eating disorders, as well as a history of spectacular relationship flameouts and intra-family drama.

This is what the pros told me, yet they never wrote "BPD" in the chart or came right out and said it, so the little voice in my head asks "was it really BPD?" a lot. Like, a whole lot.

Anything in there ring a bell?  I'm loathe to play armchair psychologist, and having sat on the family therapy couch quite a bit over the years knowing that actual psychiatrists have mis or under diagnosed my wife repeatedly, the conclusion that someone has a personality disorder needs some concrete backup. 

Doesn't take away your pain or make your feelings any less valid, but what specific criteria that would qualify for a diagnosis do you believe she met?

[Indifferent28]

Hi icanteven,

I am about to post the other long parts which show how her behavior changed as we dated, but the post break up behavior is really what set me off about her. From BPD traits, she doesn't have 4-5. She has every single one. She told me she thought she was bipolar, which i didn't believe and began to believe post-break up. Until i found out about this, and her complete "Lack of self"

Wow! if they diagnosed her like that without saying it, perhaps they are hesitant about sticking a label on it because of the bad associations that typically come with that label? Everything you wrote sounds like she did have BPD. How do you deal with it as of right now?
My ex had everything you just name.

Something i forgot to include in this long reply i am about to post is, she also told me she used to cut, before we met to "deal with the pain." When her behavior worsened when we were together, she would make sly threats like I am going to start again, maybe i'll feel better and the likes. There isn't a single BPD trait that doesn't describe her.

Does your spouse talk to you about the BPD directly?

[Indifferent28]

PART 2:

After our GREAT first year/year and a half, I began dealing with a personal issue of my own. This created a lot of stress with me, in combination with being in college. I felt I had no free time. I went to class, then studied, studied, studied. My free time was spent with her.
Well, that means I didn’t have any time for friends either, for the next few years. It was just her and I, on both sides.

If I would bring up hanging out with someone, or even with the only family member I am close to, she would say I needed to spend time with her. Not in a mean, controlling way, but in a controlling way that is controlled by emotions. She’d make me feel bad for wanting to do anything OTHER than spend time with her, making it seem like I was losing interest in her, or didn’t want to be with her.

Despite the stress in my life, she did try to help me with my problems, but I am more of a keep it inside type or deal with it myself.
However, it began to be like I wasn’t paying enough attention to HER problem, even though that’s what I had done since the beginning. She would turn my problems around on her. If I was not paying attention to her, she would throw a tantrum or make remarks much like a child. “Baby me!” or “Pay attention to me!” or “Tell me what you love about ME! You don’t tell me that anymore!”
 
Don’t get me wrong, she treated me amazing, like a queen. And really, I should’ve done more for her (like I had done that first great year) but I got to a point where I felt like I was just emotionally drained.
I would tell her “Why are we going back to your problems now? What about mine? I am so stressed, can you just give me a break on babying you or having to take care of you? I just need to catch my head.”

Well, the arguments began to start when I began to become numb/emotionless because I could not deal with my own problems and hers. This gave her the feeling that she was getting even less attention than before and like I didn’t love her, which I suppose I get. I was robotic, but I just needed to NOT be smothered with an emotional crying spout every day or I was going to bust.

We would argue and I’d beg her to just leave me alone so I could cool down. She wouldn’t. She felt she needed to “solve everything to get it over” and would pry, and pick and take jabs at things that she knew would make me more mad. So I’d raise my voice and we’d argue more. Then she’d make me feel bad for having raised my voice and begin crying, again, like a child who is scolded. I would feel bad and apologize.

She would say things in arguments and then I began to notice how “out there” things she said were… I can’t think of an example but like I couldn’t rationalize how she thought she was making a point, because she would just end up not making sense. I would ask her to repeat what she said back to me. She would tell me she couldn’t because she really didn’t know what she had just said. Or I would repeat back something she just said, and she would say “I didn’t say that, or did I say that?” and she really could not remember. Sometimes I’d look at her and she would just look spaced out. Normally, she had a deepness in her eyes, where I first felt a strong emotional pull to her. However, when she’d space out, it was like she was looking right through you, and not even there.

We would be out having fun, and she’d just get down all of a sudden. She would always try to rationalize it by saying something reminded her of her dad or something and I always believed it, until it went on and on.

She knew she was getting so depressed, and so she sought help. She went to the doctor and got put on anti-depressants. However, shortly after this time, she told me that she thinks shes bipolar. I asked her why, and she said she had every single symptom. I told her she was exaggerating (because her family always thinks they have this or that disorder). I told her if she thought that though, go get tested because no one can diagnose it but a doctor. She didn’t. Instead, she got on the anti depressants, which I read can worsen other symptoms if you are bipolar or BPD and get put on an antidepressant without other drugs to counter it.

This is when the not only emotional but scary behavior began.
She began to get headaches, which can be a side effect of many anti depressants. She began to have MORE crying spells, and pure moodiness. Snapping at me for no reason, egging on arguments, and I began to emotionally withdraw more, meaning no babying her.
A particular argument that occurred more than once in a scenario like this, she threw herself on the ground of her room, and began crying uncontrollably. I was terrified and holding her, but she started gasping for air like she couldn’t breathe. I was about to call 911.
 I held her face and kept telling her are you ok, are you ok should I call 911? And she just stared at me, with that once again blank expression.

Then it was like she snapped back into reality. She didn’t even know what had happened. She said she blacked out.
These things went on for months and I told her enough is enough. The anti depressants were making her worse and I didn’t want her to keep going through that. So she went to the doctor, got off, but they stayed in her system a LONG time so the arguments, and same behavior continued.
This is when  I decided I didn’t know what I wanted anymore.

There were a few times where she slapped me/tapped me in the face when she was mad about something, maybe 3. I never condone physical assault, ever. However, she didn’t do it as a way to beat me. I hate my face being touched and she knew that would drive me mad, and it did. Of course, she felt terrible about it, cried, apologized, I ended up somehow feeling guilty, and apologizing too.

[Indifferent28]

She always found a way through her crying to make me feel sorry for raising my voice even though I begged her not to push my buttons, for emotionally withdrawing even though I begged her to let me take a break from babying her, all of it.
I also began to notice that she agreed with everything I said. If I liked blue, so did she. If I stopped liking blue, so did she. The relationship did NOT begin like this and we had opinions on things. Some the same, some differed. I loved HER. I began to feel like I was DATING me! I told her flat out, I fell in love with her, not myself. I wanted to date HER.

Later on she began to tell me that she was learning it was “okay if we don’t always like the same things.” Like she had believed that she was supposed to agree with everything with me, and if she didn’t then that was bad. It was news to me.

We would drink while watching a funny movie or the likes, but I began to feel we were drinking too much. I wanted to stop. She claimed she wanted to also, but it seemed like it was much harder for her. She said she was always afraid to drink because she loved it so much and knew she’d be an alcoholic like her father and feared that. She basically feared being anything like him but also claimed to love and adore some of his traits.

The next few years went on like this, between the black outs, arguing, the “baby me” “love me” “take care of me” One of the BPD things I also noticed here was constant complaints of physical ailments for attention. This started in the last few years. “My back hurts, rub me. My elbow hurts. This or that hurts.” Even if I hurt, she hurt worse. And it got to where I didn’t even care about offending her in the arguments anymore, because she didn’t respect anything I asked her to do.

I told her everything was “me, me, me” all the time now. She would do things for me, yes, but it’s like if I wasn’t giving constant attention, then she didn’t know what to do. She needed my approval for everything it seemed. I told her I didn’t mind babying her every once in a while but all the time. Everything in her head was about her and the attention being on her in regards to me.  It was fine if no one else did, but I had to all the time.

She began to point out any wrong I’ve done. If I didn’t comfort her this one time when she was crying because I myself felt sad, she pointed that out and turned it to make me feel like I am an ass or that she is unloved. I told her she looks over the good I do, and pays attention to the only somewhat bad tiny and blows it up. She exaggerated everything. If I said I was tired, it must mean I was tired of her. If I wasn’t going to see her for 2 days, it was not going to be for 2 years.

I began telling her she was a drama queen because everything was a dramatic show between us when we argued. Everything was magnified and exaggerated. I got to be so unhappy.

She never put me down in the way of like criticizing me as a person so to speak, but began to use her crying emotional spouts to more or less control my behavior to her or attempt to gain sympathy for her, or she’d call me a robot and make me feel bad about being emotionless. I hated being emotionless too but she ignored the fact that a part of why I became emotionless was to avoid her constant mood swings and blames for things not involving me, like her abandonment by her dad, or anything else.
This went on for years, until I did what I posted in the first post…. The sexting thing which she claimed she wanted to forgive me for and move forward because she loved me.

One day after work a few months after the sexting deal (We worked together) she dropped me off at home. This same week I had realized I really love her and I really want to make things work. Well, she dropped me off with a big smile as usual. Texted me when she got home to let me know she was okay. Then she randomly brought up that basically she thinks we need to be done and that she should’ve dumped me a long time ago. And that she is sorry it took her so long to come back down to reality. I thought she was bluffing to be honest or emotional. I told her to delete the photos of us online. She said “I will.” No less than an hour later, our photos were gone. We didn’t say goodnight to each other.

And so began the start of what really made me think she has BPD…. The behavior of her to me over the next year, acting as if she never knew me, or that I had beat her every day.

[Indifferent28]

Part 3: Post Break up BPD in my face. When I began to notice her mental health troubles.

The day after my ex broke up with me, since we worked together, I was forced to see her. She acted like she did not know me basically. Wouldn’t look at me, talk to me, it was like I didn’t exist though I was her world literally the day of break up. The next week went on like this. She didn’t talk to me, acknowledge me, or really want anything to do with me. She didn’t text me, and my texts went unanswered or emotionless and short.

In my stupid mind, I figured “She is hurt. And trying to act like she doesn’t have feelings for me.” Given what I did, I understood. However, I figured she would cave and want to talk to me. I stupidly wrote a big long, sappy letter apologizing to her, telling her how much I love her, etc. I ended up texting her and asking if she read it, to which she replied “I did. It was nice to hear those things but I still stand by what I said” I would text her, I would either get no reply, a vague emotionless reply or a text saying to please stop texting her because we “needed space”

Her reasoning for breaking up with me was “I need to learn myself before I can love anyone else. Maybe if our paths cross in the future, we can be together. But for now, we are both too hurt.”

Well the week after the break up, i went up to her at work, to which she got mad, and basically told me to leave her alone. I said I couldn’t believe she was doing this after all we’ve been through, how she was just going to throw it away. I told her she was happy with me at one time, things just got rocky and it threw me for a loop when she said “I thought I was. “ And I said “ you thought?” and she was basically talking about how she thought she was happy but wasn’t, and how she deserved better.

I would attempt to talk to her and she’d become hostile, like I was wasting her time. I would tell her that even though I did what I did, I was NOT a cheater to which she’d roll her eyes or try to walk away. I’d tell her even though she hit me in the face before, I didn’t call her an abuser so why could she act like I was a cheater. She would say “I don’t really care what you think about me now.”

She began hanging around this girl we knew from a coffee shop the week she broke up with me. She would go in the work bathroom for long periods with her phone, so I knew she was texting her. She would post on social media that they were hanging out. Basically, no hangout to ALL THE TIME. I flat out asked her if she liked her, and the WEEK after we broke up, she said “Yeah there are feelings there.” My heart sank.
After 5 years with me, she just developed feelings for this girl she didn’t even know, in a week? And now doesn’t have any for me? I’ve read about what a replacement is… Which I thought was a rebound at the time, but nope. That girl was a sure fire replacement.

Other than her shutting off her feelings for me so quickly, and being into this girl, this is where the scary behavior increases. She began liking this super deep quotes online, love quotes, which I knew were about this girl, not me. Liking all this girls pictures. Talking about the girl to co-workers and even TO ME, like it was okay for her to talk about this girl to me, or like she didn’t rationalize why I wouldn’t want to hear!

My ex came into work one day, with floral and leopard print things, and red lipstick. My ex hated floral and leopard print. She didn’t wear bright red lip stick. You know who did? This new girl. I even commented about how ugly those items were and she claimed she loved them!
She bought new clothes, new items, NONE of which were her taste. Her hairstyle changed and she began to wear bandanas like this girl.
IF she even gave me a reply, I noticed how weird her texting was. I didn’t even have to text this new interest she was into to know how she typed… because my ex typed exactly like her. For example if I would ask my ex what she was doing her replies went like this, in this text format:
“I am great, I went to the store, I grabbed milk, it was good."

Notice the random periods there, or the fact that it sounds like a child can’t form a proper sentence is typing it? That is how this girl typed on social media.
The pictures my ex began posting or the hash tags, were like this girls. My ex was becoming this new girl, within weeks. This entire time, she would either say nothing to me at work, or had no emotion.

She never texted outside of work or anything. It was like if she didn’t see me, I didn’t exist (object permanence, symptom of BPD). I would particularly notice after a long weekend when she hadn’t seen me for days, that Monday and Tuesday, she wouldn’t speak to or acknowledge my existence because I hadn’t been in front of her. Out of sight, out of mind. ) As the week went on, she might tell me hi or something but it was cold. It was like she was on a high, while I was dying; opposite of how I ever anticipated her behavior if we broke up.

She would hum around work or sing, and have a big smile. Even my co-workers were dumb founded and talked to me about how well she was taking it. One of my co-workers even said she seemed like she was on a free love, hippy type emotional high.
My ex even made comments about how she “wasn’t associating with anyone negative anymore. And no one better ruin her good mood”
She was floating on a cloud, and had the same carefree stance as this new girl.
I ended up stupidly texting her one night saying please just tell me if you aren’t in love with me, to which hours later (when she was with the new girl) she replied “Sorry, but im not” and that was it.

[Indifferent28]

I was shocked that she broke up with and told me she wasn’t in love with me over a text. This girl who had the biggest heart I ever met was now completely cold and acting like I was so horrible. She told me at work how she wants someone who shares her same values and “loves her family” and “This or that” these things that basically just seemed to have hit her almost over night.

Upon her new interest in this girl, she began doing other activities unlike her. She is not social, has anxiety, and isn’t a going out type. She began CONSTANTLY drinking. Post after post on social media, often with a drink in hand. Every post was “What an amazing weekend!” or “best weekend ever with best people ever!” with people she had known a few weeks…. She began going to bars every night, clubs, all these social activites that she never found any interest in before.
She became an entirely new person in a few weeks.

Apparently one night, she was drunk and got emotional and began to have a crying spell. New girl (who wasn’t nearly as into her as my ex was to her) told her she needed to fix herself. I know this because my ex came to work and told ME this. As if I wanted to hear about it! This even caused a 360 in my exes mood. She went from an emotional high to coming into work slumped over, not talking, and teary eyed, but would talk to me when she was emotional. Like she was craving that emotional crutch from me.
Then a few days later, she was back on the emotional high.

Okay guys, that is the first portion of our post effect break up when i began to notice the odd sense of how she lacked a personality/sense of self more than i noticed before. And her hot/cold behavior at work. One day smiling to me like nothing happened and she didn't crush my heart; the next, I don't know you, never knew you. And this euphoria she began demonstrating along with this fake social media presence

I am SORRY for all these long posts. I will stop and not post anymore until someone replies. I am really, really hoping for people to chime in. I know it s a lot to read. There is more post break up, but this is what began the key rift of the next year, as her problems got worse.

She began calling into work sick (hung over), getting here late, leaving early, taking longer lunches, being lazy at work, and just looking drained despite having so much happiness according to her.